Woods and Woodsability

by Happy Dickfart

"Ten out of ten, would flick mine bean to Darcy again" - Jane Austen, author of the acclaimed Pride and Prejudice. In this thrilling tale, Bella gets lost on the road through life, while Edward does his civic duty toward all human and vampirekind. This New York Times Bestseller is sure to be your absolute favorite story of ALL TIME for years to come!

Woods and Woodsability, by Dickfart

One afternoon Bella was in the woods, lost in a daze. She was also lost in the woods. After being lost in the woods long enough, Bella happened upon some random bush with berries. The berries would either fill her up, or kill her. She didn't care either way, for as long as her Eddy-poo wasn't there by her side, life was pointless and full of pain and woe.

So she ate the berries. She ate them quickly. They were juicy and sweet, and didn't cause her to go into anaphylactic shock, so she wouldn't have to pay like eight hundred dollars for one stinkin' epipen.

They did, however, give her gut-crunching diarrhea. Her anus exploded with the force of a cement truck barreling down the highway at two hundred miles per hour. The brown death flood ripped out of her like a million tiny little knives, slicing the delicate pucker of her pale, white anus until blood started coming out with poo. Then every famished vampire in Forks except Edward jumped out of the woods, ripped each of her limbs off, and sucked them all dry.

Meanwhile, Edward Cullen was at the McDonalds four miles down the road demanding that they include pig blood as a dipping sauce on their menu. He wanted to be more sensitive toward Bella's human affliction, while making the community more open and inclusive toward vampires. He had no idea his waifu was dead in the woods.

The End