I Want to Hold Your Hand

by conniptionns

Andrew Minyard isn't a romantic, but when it comes to Neil, he just might be. Because Neil is understanding and it's insufferable. [There is handholding] Someone mentioned Andrew not being a romantic and I immediately subscribed to it, but then I thought about it some and...he kind of is? In his own way.

p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew is not a romantic, and it works out because Neil is oblivious to other people's public displays of affection. Andrew has never linked pinkies with Neil the way that Aaron does with Katelyn when he thinks no one is looking. He's never desired to loop his arm through Neil's the way that Renee does with Allison, while they're at the aquarium. Andrew has never run up and jumped into Nei's arms the way that Nicky does whenever he sees Erik. He's never given bunny kisses and watching Matt and Dan do it while spinning around the roller rink holding one another's forearms makes Andrew's arms itch and snap his armbands back into place. Andrew has never picked Neil up and spun him around after a particularly good exy practice session like Kevin and Thea do with one another. He's never ever desired to do those things with Neil./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"That's why he's surprised when Neil looks back over his shoulder with a face-cracking grin; Andrew wants to kill Neil. Not with his knives as usual. He wants to squeeze Neil in a quasi-hug so hard that he cracks his ribs. He wants to make Neil smaller so that he can put his boyfriend in his pocket and protect him from the world./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew is fucking pissed./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil laughs his name, "Andrew." And Andrew is ready to carve the smile right off Neil's face. This is the same fucking moron that rides the knife-edge of death. He willingly goes headlong into dangerous situations for stupid reasons./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil swipes Andrew's cigarette, and Andrew contemplates murdering him as he taps out another cigarette. He leans back into the couch as he lights up and squints at Neil. Neil's got the fingers on his left hand threaded through his hair. He needs to cut his fucking hair. His right hand, the one holding the cigarette, is gesturing towards the television where a rerun of the Trojans' last game is playing. He's grousing at the referees and Andrew isn't listening to a word he's saying. Andrew contemplates killing him again, but when he catches the time, he puts out his cigarette and drops back into the carton./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Come on, shithead. We need to leave now if we're going to make it to the airport on time," Andrew says, cuffing Neil on the head as he passes him to grab his coat and bag./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew crawls into the passenger seat and immediately lights up. He's not exactly pissed that they have to fly during the busiest time of the year, but he is fucking pissed that Neil conned him into going to Germany. He chain smokes the entire ride to the airport and swears a blue streak when he runs out. Neil, without making the speed of the call falter, reaches into his pocket and pulls out a new pack. Andrew wants to fucking murder him again. He lights up, angry, and after a few puffs, Neil swipes it without taking his eyes off the road. Fucking boyfriends. Andrew tells himself that there's still plenty of time to murder Neil and hide his body before the plane takes off./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"The airport is overpacked. Flights have been delayed, rescheduled, and canceled. There are desperate people waiting in lines that snake far past where they're intended to stop. There are homesick people crying on phones, clogging the walkway. And there are people sleeping in chairs and stretched out along the walls. Andrew's skin is crawling and he's itching to light up. He tells himself that once they get settled he'll find a side door to squeeze out of to get his fix./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"His boyfriend is ridiculously competent, navigating the crowded airport, and it reminds Andrew of all the lives that Neil has lived. All the names he has easily cast off and new ones he's donned. Andrew isn't afraid Neil would ever stop being Neil, but it brings back that niggling sensation—the one that makes him want to squash Neil into a ball and stick him in his pocket. Andrew is trailing behind Neil, glowering at anyone that gets too close to the man walking briskly in front of him, and Andrew decides why the fuck not. He half jogs the few steps until he's next to Neil. Neil smiles down at him and opens his mouth to reassure him. Of what, who knows?/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew closes the distance between their bodies and grabs Neil's hand in a bruising grip. Neil glances down at his knuckles that are rapidly draining of color and looks back up to Andrew with a question in his eyes./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew doesn't have a fucking answer, so he squeezes Neil's fingers harder and drops Neil's hand, flexes his fingers, and finalizes his plans to murder Neil./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil stops walking. The flow of traffic behind them parts around them like the Red Sea and then swallows them back up in a tide of movement./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Fucking what?" Andrew asks, pissed./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Nothing. You're amazing is all." Neil keeps walking. What the fuck was that?/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew has to haul ass to catch back up with Neil, and do some impressive maneuvering to get in between the wall of bodies Neil disappeared into. If Neil is thinking about Andrew's little public display of affection he doesn't show it. In fact, he doesn't show a sign that they ever stopped walking at all. His duffle bag is thrown over his shoulder and he's carrying Andrew's bag in his left fist. Andrew is holding their carry-on bags, Neil's full of exy magazines and his laptop with more exy games downloaded on it and Andrew's is empty. He's planning on filling it with candy once they get through security./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil is giving him a pass. Andrew is murderous again, for what feels like the seven hundredth time that day./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew whips his hand down without another thought and clasps Neil's hand in his own. It's not the dainty pinky hook Katelyn is known for and it's not the fingers threaded through each other's the way that Matt and Dan do, but he's holding his boyfriend's hand in the crowded airport terminal on December 23rd. Neil's index finger snakes to the edge of Andrew's armband and he rubs the seam of it while asking yes or no./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Yes. Shut the fuck up."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil's only responses is a poorly hidden smile, and his index finger dipping under Andrew's armband to trace his scars. They hold hands until they hear, "Now boarding Flight 2341 to Stuttgart Airport, Germany. Terminal 8."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"If Nicky could see them, he would shit himself. Andrew fishes the white gold ring out of the smallest zip in his backpack and grins. His present to himself, courtesy of Nicky, will be Nicky shitting himself when he sees the ring on Neil's finger./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Bar nothing, there is nothing worse than taking off in an airplane. You're strapped into a tin can as it jettisons into the sky and why the fuck does anyone do this?/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil's hand was floating above Andrew's, dancing slightly, hesitating./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Who are you, Eric Whitacre? Just do it. Your virtual choir isn't here and I'm not going to sing Lux Aurumque. Just—yes, do it," Andrew bites out./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil's hand settles on his own and he pinches the skin between Andrew's thumb and forefinger. A headache that he didn't even realize was creeping in started to fade away./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Did you know that my name was once Eric?" Neil asks. "No, yeah, for real my name was Eric. It was when we first left, my first name, too, actually. We were just outside of Cincinnati, Ohio. We had stopped for the night, and it was by this university—god, I can't remember the name of it now, but it had these unreal vocal majors that would go out and just...practice. Wherever they could they would just meet up and sing together. It was wicked cool."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil reached across Andrew so his left hand was lined up with Andrew's. He looked at Andrew and slowly started conducting a song that only he could hear./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""And anyway, Mom would let me sit in the back of some local fast food chain while they practiced. The person conducting, the way they controlled the speed and feel of the music, always mesmerized me. I'll never forget when one of the girls came over and taught me the song they were learning. Mom was pissed. She was always worried. Anyway, it was one of my favorite memories," Neil says with a smile./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew kept his hand limp, allowing Neil to direct him. Andrew knew how to conduct music. He's thinking about Cass' husband, the overworked music professor from a small liberal arts university. Neil is humming Lux Aurumque under his breath, and Andrew is fighting a way to not see Cass humming the songs under her breath, in the exact same way, while her husband practiced after dinner. She would wash the dishes and pause to let a tiny Andrew stand on her toes and twirl her about the room./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Her favorite was Frank Ticheli," Andrew speaks after a moment. Neil looks confused so Andrew continues, "Cass. They were a musically inclined family. All of them were the first chair in All-State Bands, the top bands, too. We would listen to Shenandoah—that was by him, the Ticheli guy—and when it finished she would always be crying. It would wipe her tears and ask why she was crying, and she told me that sometimes in the world there were things that hurt you in the very best way. She said that it was the things that hurt you in a good way that you owed it to yourself to keep. Keep paying them, keep listening, keep reading, keep writing. She said to find things that took your breath away…" Andrew trails off. Before Neil's hand can slip away, he grabs it./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""The first time I saw you, you immediately took my breath away," Neil says after only a moment of hesitation, emboldened by Andrew grabbing his hand. "Okay, to be fair, you immediately took my breath away, I didn't even have to look at you. Considering you whacked the shit out of me with my own racquet."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew huffs out a breath but otherwise stays silent. Neil turns in the little seat to face Andrew. "I can't give you those moments back. You wouldn't want me to, I know. But I just need for you to know that I'm not leaving and you seem convinced to stop anyone from taking me. After all this time, I trust you to keep your word. There are no words that I could ever give you that would abate any and all the fears you have, but I just have to let you know that I'm going to try to prove it to you."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"They hit a pocket of turbulence./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew's immediate thought that they were dying convinced him to reply more openly that he would have otherwise./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""My favorite was Ludovico Einaudi," Andrew says./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil listens intently, he always does that, is never disappointed when Andrew doesn't comment on his promises. Neil knows that Andrew says everything that he does for a reason, and he just listens. What the actual shit?/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""I remember when I first played Oltremare for Cass. It wasn't great or anything. It was on some shitty second-hand keyboard that you get for like really little kids. But I played Oltremare for her and when I was done she said that I loved things that gave me hope. I'm bad at this shit." Andrew squeezes Neil's hand and Neil squeezes back, hard enough to leave indentions in both of their palms./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew flips their hands so Neil's is underneath his, between their seats. When he let go, a little glimmer caught Neil's eye. It was a thick-banded ring./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil looks at Andrew and Andrew looks back, steady. He doesn't know what Neil is searching for or why he doesn't talk or move. Andrew is frozen. Neil having found whatever he was looking for, grins at Andrew./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""I've never heard Oltremare, we should pay for the in-flight Wi-Fi so we can look it up. Also," Neil twists the ring on his left hand, "Does this mean you want to go steady with me?" What a smarmy little shit./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""No."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Oh, well, look, you can see your reflection in it."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""It means I want to marry you, dickhead."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Aren't you supposed to ask nicely? You know I won't be a kept man." Neil sounds exactly like a breathy, southern debutante and Andrew wants to strangle the life out of him./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Yes or no?"/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil takes a deep breath and Andrew's fingers twitch./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Yeah, you're pretty cool. I guess you can take me to the sock hop." Neil was admiring the way that the light reflected off the ring./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Only if you wear a leather jacket. I'm really into Greasers," Andrew intones dull as the Fasten Seatbelt light comes on./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""You know, Nicky's going to shit himself," Neil says./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""That's the goal," Andrew replies, gripping Neil's hand for the descent./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""As long as we're being super honest, I'm kind of pissed that you stole my thunder," Neil says./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""What?" Andrew glances up from the vomit bags he was considering. "Are you pregnant?"/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil barks a laugh. "No, you dick." He pulls out a slate gray ring in a slightly wider size to fit Andrew's blunt, boxy fingers./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew's answering smirk is absolutely sinful. "Nicky is going to have a heart attack."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""That was the plan," Neil says laughing./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"A tired Erik greets Andrew and Neil after they make it through customs. It is a relatively long ride back to the Klose apartment, but they finally make it. Neil is leaning heavily into Andrew's side./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Erik notices the rings. "Nicky is going to be sorry he missed out on this. I'm so happy for you guys."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil was no longer awake, but Andrew appreciates the sentiment. He helps Neil fall onto the pullout couch. Andrew keeps watch all night. There was no way he would ever be able to sleep here anyway./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil has his face under Andrew's arm. His mouth open, lightly snoring where he is pressed against Andrew's shirt. Andrew wonders how the stars aligned to make it all work out./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Hours later, a sleepy Erik tiptoes in to make coffee./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew offers up a quiet, "Guten morgen." Erik smiles and Andrew understands why Nicky loves him so much. Erik is everything Nicky ever wanted from a home life. Nicky deserves him./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"They speak for a little while about Nicky, because as gruff as Andrew gets with Nicky, he was the first person to give him a stable home after he left Cass. Though he would probably never admit that to Nicky./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"There is a deep intake of breath and Andrew hides a small grin behind his coffee. Neil makes sleepy stretching noises before getting up and padding to the bathroom. Erik excuses himself back to his room to return with a grumpy Nicky, grousing about being up so early. Erik kisses his nose and calls out, asking Neil if he wants to go for a run./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Once Neil and Erik are gone and Nicky is on his second cup of coffee, the cousins start cooking a big breakfast, continuing tradition./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""I wish Aaron was here," Nicky says as he cracks an egg into the pan./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew just makes a contemplative noise and Nicky continues, "Though, I have to say, he does deserve the chance to spend Christmas with Katelyn and her family, even if I selfishly want him here. I'm just glad that part of my family got to come to Christmas."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew doesn't respond, because even now, Andrew doesn't know how to reassure Nicky in the way that he truly deserves. He just hip-checks Nicky and asks where the fucking eggnog is./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"It's when Neil is grabbing a gift from Andrew that Nicky sees their rings. "NO."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""It's a very new development," Neil explains. "Like, just happened on the plane ride over new."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Nicky gets a soft look in his eyes and Andrew rolls his in response, pushing Neil to open his gift./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Guys, I am so proud of you. Both of you."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew starts to get prickly and quiet, but Nicky is insistent. "Andrew, I was, I mean...I was worried about you. Not that you need me worrying about you, but Andrew, you've been hurt so many times. I am just so proud? Nothing keeps you down. Ugh, you know I'm not downplaying. This is good."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"It's later when Nicky corners Neil. Neil assumes that Nicky wants to wax lyrical about his relationship with Andrew. He's surprised by the intensity that Nicky hits him with./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Neil, you know that I love you like family—you are family, but I need you to understand that Andrew will always come first. This isn't me saying that you would do anything or that you don't also deserve to be advocated for like this, but be gentle with him. He has a lot that he is going to have to continue working around./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""And yes, this is common knowledge to you, and you have things that have been a struggle and have altered you...this is hard because I love you both and want the absolute best for both of you. I know Andrew can take care of himself, but please just—"/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Nicky, I know. Really, I know," Neil reassures him./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew and Neil head back to the states the Monday after Christmas. Neil had plans to spend New Year's Eve with Matt and Dan in Columbia before heading back to their apartment in Nevada. Andrew is driving a speeding car to Dan and Matt's small ranch house when Neil lights a cigarette and passes it to Andrew. Sure, Andrew isn't a romantic, but he is planning on marrying one./span/p
hr style="margin: 0.875em auto 1.2525em; border-style: solid; width: 354.5625px; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: 15.119999885559082px;" /
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"Marriage isn't about being in love with someone. Marriage isn't even about really liking someone. Marriage is, above all other things, a partnership. You can like your partner, you can even love your partner, but fickle emotions like that aren't persistent. Lasting relationships are built on mutual respect and waking up every morning and choosing your partner, every single day. Or at least that's what Andrew's therapist told him./p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"He no longer meets with Bee. On Wednesdays, during half of his two-hour lunch break, he meets with a portly old man with a strong Boston accent and the darkest brown eyes Andrew has ever seen. Those eyes have a knack for looking at him, through him, and around him; picking up on the things that Andrew refuses to speak himself. Because even after 15 years of meeting with a trained therapist, Andrew still has trouble voicing his small questions. He has come so far, leaps and bounds from where he was in college. He never takes away the credit he's due, but sometimes he worries./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"It's small things that get him really. He isn't on the rocks with Neil. They aren't even really fighting, well they fought, but their fighting is spirited debating that ends in a good place because they really do respect one another./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew is just worried. Well, there is a name for this worry in particular, but it isn't a worry that you voice. The base fear that lingers somewhere above your sternum and below your jugular, slowly tightening its grip, making it harder to admit every day that it isn't mentioned./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil knows every part of Andrew—well it's impossible to be truly known, Neil was close though. Being known is a deadly terrifying thing and the only way to protect yourself is to hide away tiny bits of yourself. Parts of you that no one else sees. The ugliest bits. If you are particularly good, like Andrew, you have a knack for being just open enough with the person you trust to give them a false sense of security. The belief that they had held your basest fears in their hands and turned them around so much that if they couldn't help you overcome those fears, they could at least walk side-by-side with you as you experience them./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil is the best person in the world to walk next to. He is formidable in his own way, having faced down torture in Andrew's name and bartered with deadly men on a regular basis, and he never showed fear. Neil rarely ever seems to be well and truly afraid. He has an awful habit of laughing in the face of danger before diving in, and, as much as Andrew hates it, he loves being forever tied to the man who refuses to be tied down./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"There is something special about being an exception. It's not something that happens often, to normal people either, Andrew assumes. It just isn't something that people get to experience on a daily basis but Andrew does./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil chose him. Neil didn't want anything but everything in his bag, but if you asked Andrew, Neil deserves everything. Neil never buys anything for himself that isn't practical. Old habits die hard and a life lived on the run during your developmental years produced some odd habits./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Stocking up on non-perishables and almost always having a packed bag on hand (even if it was locked away to prove that you weren't going to run—and even if you did there was a matching duffle beside it). Because to Neil, there isn't much worth having if it doesn't include Andrew./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew isn't of the mindset that Neil's world revolves around him. He is of the mindset that in the different futures that Neil's mind still maps out for him, Andrew is a constant in the same way that Mary once was./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"There is something to be said about being chosen, being a constant, being wanted. It can never be described succinctly enough to be just a few small words, or Andrew would have tattooed them on his body years ago. He is still waiting for the day that he figures it out because he will ink it over every inch of his skin so he never has to forget how it feels./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"The only downside of hiding parts of yourself is that the hidden parts are enough to convince yourself that many, just maybe, in a metaphorical way, on a day where the tilt of the earth is just right, those hidden parts are the only thing allowing you to be wanted./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"But that's why Andrew stands there, because it is better to know than to not know, and how could he continue to live with the not knowing?/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil glances up at him with a smile and Andrew solidifies in his mind the things he would keep if Neil doesn't choose him./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil, waking up in the middle of the night, still half asleep, asking Andrew questions from his dreams/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil anxiously twisting his ring whenever he gets nervous./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"The way Neil shivers when Andrew kisses his ring./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"The way Neil absentmindedly pets the cats and even thinking Andrew was a cat if the exy match is particularly captivating./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Being caught by Neil as he puts Kevin's frozen yogurt into the fridge so it starts to melt, and having Neil join in./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"The way that he and Neil join together, and how, regardless of what happens, Neil is always present enough to take care of Andrew in ways that he had never been cared for before./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil being sick in bed and not letting anyone take care of him./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: oblique; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew refusing to watch exy and Neil saying, "yes or no?" only to sit on Andrew in a playfully painful way until he could wrestle the remote from Andrew's chocolate-sticky grip./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"There are fifteen years of memories, and Andrew doesn't know how to pick the ones that he aches for the most. There isn't any good way to say it, so he decides that just coming out with it is the best course of action./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Neil, trade secrets?" Andrew asks./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Yeah?" It isn't a short question, but it is slightly exasperated./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew can understand that they hadn't played at this in years. He probably thinks that they're past this game./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""This is a genuine thing," Andrew clarifies./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil sits up taller in his seat and puts down the overly complex Rubix cube that Andrew got him two days prior./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""Hey," Neil says, trying to get Andrew to make eye contact with him before he continues. "I'm here to listen to you. That's what we do. It's hard, sure, but I mean, what did you expect after the first year you knew me?" He reaches out and clasps Andrew's hands. "If you can say it, say it, and if not, I promise that I'll read any note you write instead."/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"That means a lot to Andrew. There are some days where he doesn't think he has the words or the energy to talk to Neil, so he leaves him notes. But this is something better said, so that there is no room for misinterpretation./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew sits beside Neil, making sure they're on the same level./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;""I've been talking with my therapist, and I'm going to try to tell you something that I'm afraid you don't already know. It's a dark and ugly thing and if you don't want to comment, you don't have to." Andrew doesn't mean it. He thinks that perhaps the only hopeful part of him would be extinguished if Neil chose to ignore him, but the caveat makes it easier to open up./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil gives him a look that says there is no way in hell that he wouldn't respond, which was fair because Neil has something to say about everything. There isn't an easy way to verbalize this, though. How do you tell the person that has somehow wormed their way into your heart that they terrify you every day? That you wake up half because you can't believe they exist and half because you know that they are the only thing that can destroy you? That they could take you apart at the seams, and that you would go willingly./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"How do you tell someone—that you are afraid that you might actually lose—that you are afraid to lose them? How do you tell them that there is this voice in your head that never really let you have hope that things can really be yours—it knows your history. It knows every dark thought that has ever crossed your mind, and once realized, will probably make anyone run away from you. For good. Most importantly, though, after being together for so long, you still don't feel that they would stay with you, because why would anyone stay?/span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Andrew didn't get to be where he is without learning that as soon as you allow yourself to care for things is when they are taken away. It happened in his foster homes, it happened the group homes, it happened in Cass' home, it happened in juvie (but only once), it happened when he first tried to obtain a pipe dream, and it happened in small and great distances over the years. Andrew adapted to survive, but in doing so, hid away in a way that he was sure would make him lose Neil, yet again./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"What is worse is that Neil has no idea. There are some secrets that are never realized by anyone because the person keeping the secret refuses to acknowledge it themselves. Andrew barely knows what his fear is. He voiced it to his therapist, who had come up with some ways for him to broach the subject with Neil, but Andrew is still trying as hard as he can to suppress it./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"He supposes that he could just come right out and say it, so he does./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"There is something so freeing about telling the person you care about your fears. Once you leap, you no longer have to deal with the fear of heights, just the fear of falling, and that is something you can't escape anyway. Unquestionably, the very best thing about telling your fears to someone who cares about you just as much as you care about them is that when you take a leap that feels like it's from Mount Everest, you often find out that you are really only leaping from a small hill./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"When you jump from a hill you still have to brace yourself, bend your knees and keep your ankles straight. Sometimes you feel the shocks rocket their way up your shins briefly, but after jumping you feel mostly unchanged, except for the lightness in your chest./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Neil Josten is like a pipe dream that lingered around after the high wears off. The entire time you're high on the fantasy, you're sick with the fear of the dream disappearing. Once the sober light of morning hits your eyes and you blink away the sleepy confusion, you remember it's a dream. You tell yourself you will always have the memory, and you roll over to go back to sleep in the hopes of catching a fragmented and fabricated version of what was perfect before you woke up, only to roll smack into your dreams come to life./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Unquestionably, the best part of being married to Neil Josten is that if you have to face absolutely anything, he's the only person you can trust to get you safely out of the situation./span/p
p style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-size: 15.119999885559082px; font-family: 'Lucida Grande', 'Lucida Sans Unicode', 'GNU Unifont', Verdana, Helvetica, sans-serif; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 1.286em auto; padding: 0px; line-height: 1.5; caret-color: #2a2a2a; color: #2a2a2a;"span style="border: 0px; outline: 0px; font-style: inherit; font-family: inherit; vertical-align: baseline; list-style: none; margin: 0px; padding: 0px;"Undoubtedly, the best part of being married to Andrew Minyard is that if you rush headlong into a situation, you never have to question if he has your back and both your sides, and he will definitely pick up your sorry ass up off the group if you run off trying to be a martyr./span/p