A/N: This started off as a spoof cover of the third book, after doing the first and second. Then I got a drama assignment to write a script based on a picture. Guess what I chose? (The 1st one) Then, an idea hit me hard on the head. (Write a story!) So here it is. Reviews would be nice,flames accepted, just make sure they're constructive. Names have been changed to protect the not-so-innocent. However, for those who can't figure out who's who, here's a list:
Hairy Potamus=Harry Potter
Harmonious Grudger=Hermione Granger
Wronky Weasel=Ron Weasely
Fried Weasel=Fred
Gutted Weasel=George
Gin and Tonic=Ginny
Bean Nomass=Dean Thomas
Wig=Pigwidgeon
Never Wronggrottum=Neville Longbottom
Draino Malfunction=Draco Malfoy
Cribbe=Crabbe
Doily=Goyle
Dumbledore=Dumbelladorn
McGoneagirl=McGonagall
Greedygore=Gryffindor
Shavenflaw=Ravenclaw
Zitherpin=Slytherin
Autobarn is a motoring shop in Australia.
Others may pop up, but you should know what they are.
You should also be able to tell, from the title, that this is sort of a send-up of the 3rd book. (It doesn't have the same kind of stuff in it though-I mean, what authentic Harry Potter book starts off at Christmas?)
If you want a squiz at the cover (it isn't very good) email me at hermione_g@email.com and ask for it.
All "spelling" mistakes are intentional.
This is a long story, so be prepared!
Now, on with the show! (And now, for something completely different...)
Hairy Potamus and the Pince-Nez of Autobarn
It was early on Christmas morning when Hairy woke up. At the end of his bed, he saw a huge pile of presents. In the bed next to him, Ron was already up and attacking his pile. Hairy groaned, before proceeding to get out of bed and sit down in front of the pile.
"Hmm" Hairy said as he unwrapped a present from an anonymous person, "It still has the price tag on it. It says" Hairy examined the tag, "A, U, T, O, B, A, R, N. What's that?" he scratched his head. The door swung open, and a voice spoke. "Autobarn. A chain of motoring shops in Australia." Wronky looked up from his mother's latest sweater. "What?" he said. "Autobarn. A chain of motoring shops in Australia." Harmonious repeated as she walked in. "What are you doing in here?" Wronky asked, "You might've caught us dressing!" Harmonious had a faint smile on her face, while Hairy was still examining the price tag on the present. "I asked Nearly Headless Nick before I came in." Wronky's face fell. "Oh." Was all he had to say, but it was clear from the expression on his face that he wished she had caught him in the nude. It would be a good time to-Wronky shook his head. "Mustn't think of that." He muttered, as he ripped open the wrapping of a present that was clearly from Fried and Gutted. A bunch of smelly socks sped around the room before landing to rest on Wronky's head. "Ugh!" he said before dropping the socks into a bin, where they promptly turned into flowers.
Harmonious thrust two largish packages into their faces. "Here, these are for you." She said. Then she sat on Wronky's bed, causing other impure, or so he thought, thoughts to pop into Wronky's head. Harmonious proceeded to open her presents, which she had brought with her. Hairy was still opening presents. "Ooh, look at this! It has five speeds and three different attachments!" he exclaimed as he pulled a pair of magical scissors out of their packing, "It came from McGoneagirl. I wonder what she gave them to me for." A note fell out of the package. "It says on this note that she wants me to turn it into a-a" Hairy's eyes grew round. Harmonious heard, and commented "That shouldn't be too hard." But when she looked at the note, she said "Oh my! That's definitely Stark Parts." She gave Hairy a wink, then slipped a note into the waistband of his jeans. Hairy ignored the note, and went back to his presents. "Hmm, another quill. Oh, look, here's a pair of socks." And so on went his running commentary on his present pile, which after saving everyone from annihilation by a giant-(Ahem, we shall not mention the item in question) a month before Christmas, had almost quadrupled in size.
At last, Hairy's presents were all open, and filed away in the appropriate places. The magical scissors plus note was buried at the bottom of his trunk with the slightly raunchy pair of underwear he had got from a certain Shavenflaw whose fantasies had got a little out of hand. He came back to the mysterious present from the anonymous giver, which looked a lot like a pair of glasses without the arms. Wronky commented on that fact, and Harmonious replied while in the process of putting a white Bertie Botts Every Flavour Beans into her mouth, "Pince-Nez. They're called Pince-Nez." Then she grimaced. "Urgh, paint flakes!" she said as she long-distance spat it into the bin.
***
Hairy put the Pince-Nez on. "Wow," he said, "They're exactly the right power." Bean Nomass woke up and smelt perfume. "Hey Harmonious," he said groggily, "What are you doing here? I mean, this is the Boys dormitory!" Harmonious just stuck her tongue out at him, then turned back to a book on He-who-musty-not-be-rained-on. Hairy looked shocked. "Harmonious, you must be under the influence of that book." He said. Harmonious just shook her head and smiled. She ripped open an extra large Dirty Pott's Every Flavour Lollipop, and started eating it. Wronky, after asking her whether he could have some, walked over to her and gave the lollipop a lick. "Hmm," he said, "Interesting. Curtains, rubber, metal and sauerkraut with noodles in one lick." He bent down to get another lick, but somehow missed the lollipop and got his tongue stuck in Harmonious' mouth. "Mmhmm!" He flailed about at first, but then his arms came to rest around Harmonious. They toppled back onto Wronky's bed as he overbalanced, while still kissing. Wronky had his hands somewhere beneath Harmonious' dressing gown when they rolled over once, and nearly fell off the bed. When they broke off the 'kiss' at the same time, panting for air, they were on the floor in a heap. Bean Nomass, who was now fully awake, and Hairy who had been trying to look elsewhere but just couldn't, both leaped onto Wronky and proceeded to beat him up.
***
"You guys, did you really have to do that?" Wronky protested from his position on the ground, pinned under Harmonious who was trying to mop up his wounds from Bean Nomass' ring and Hairy's sharp nails and new pince-nez. "I'm sorry, something just came over me," Hairy replied. Harmonious smiled wryly. "Yeah, a bowel who's small enough to be a mouse." Wronky saw Wig circling overhead, with a scroll of parchment tied onto his leg. Hairy looked up at Wig, who started to screech and swoop, directing its forces towards Bean Nomass. His fought off the bowel's attacks, while climbing back into his bed. By now, Hairy's attention was on Bean's now wrecked bed-hangings. "Hey Harmonious," said a voice sounding quite like Bean's. It emanated from beneath the covers, "Wanna come and tend to my wounds?" Harmonious got off Wronky's stomach, and walked towards the bed as if mesmerised. Hairy and Wronky watched in amazement.
Harmonious slowly slipped off her dressing gown, which revealed a slinky nightie with spaghetti straps. "Do you know what the other girls are wearing to bed?" Wronky whispered to Hairy. He replied, "Yeah, I wonder what's been keeping us out of the girls' room?" Harmonious whipped out her wand from the front of the nightie, if one could call it that, and zapped a piece of duct tape over Hairy's mouth. Wronky had opened his mouth to say something, when he too found a piece of duct tape over his mouth. Then Harmonious turned back to Bean. "Sure, I'd love to." With one last seductive glance at Hairy and Wronky, she got into bed with Bean. Hairy and Wronky looked at each other in amazement, each thinking that Bean wasn't really her type, and wouldn't she rather be with one of them? They both shrugged, and turned back to trying to pull off the duct tape without pulling out the little hair they had on their chins. It was not long after that that they heard Bean moaning and groaning from the bed.
***
One hour later, at 7:15, Bean emerged from his bed, looking very scratched and battered, even more so than when he got in. Harmonious soon followed, her hairy puffed up more than usual, with blood on under her fingernails and on her nightie, as well as on her face. Wronky and Hairy could only guess at what they were doing. Harmonious, realising how little she was wearing, turned a red similar to the blood on her, then quickly put her dressing gown back on. Never, who had now been woken up by the noise coming from the bed, whistled at the skimpy attire. Suddenly all heads in the room turned towards him. "Sorry," Harmonious said, "what did you do?" Never realised what he had just done and dove back under the covers, as Harmonious stalked out of the room to change into 'something more suitable'. "Well," Hairy expelled a lungful of air that he didn't know he was holding, "What a morning!" Wronky made an agreeing noise as he rummaged under his bed, looking for something to wear. Hairy turned to his trunk, Bean wiped his bloody nose, and Never got out from under the covers. "Come on," Hairy said determinedly, "let's go down to breakfast." After dismissing thoughts about Harmonious in nothing more that a wand, he led the 5th year Greedygore boys downstairs to the Great Hall, with his new pince-nez on his nose.
***
As soon as Hairy entered the Grate Wall, he knew something was up. Draino, Cribbe and Doily were all sitting at the table with Harmonious. They were talking and laughing, Harmonious placing her arm on various parts of Draino's anatomy and whispering in his ear. Hairy gritted his teeth and muttered to Wronky, "I don't like this. I don't like this at all!" Hairy walked over to the table. "Oh, hello, Potamus," Draino drooled, "The teachers aren't here yet, but we're all supposed to sit at the same table." He gestured at the note left on the table, then put an arm around Harmonious. Wronky, meanwhile, was trying not to hit Draino and take Harmonious in his arms, to a bed upstairs. Hairy motioned to Wronky, Bean and Never to a corner. "That's the THIRD guy she's been with this morning!" Hairy ground out, "Not to mention Never!" Never turned red and squeaked. Wronky's ears were exceedingly red, when Fried and Gutted walked in, Gin and Tonic trailing. They noticed Wronky's red ears, Hairy's expression, Bean's wounds, Never's face and Harmonious and Draino together. "What's up?" they asked. Hairy just ground his jaw. "Ahhh…" Fried said, "I see, you're fighting over a girl. Namely, Harmonious." Hairy whirled around. "I'm NOT!" he shouted. Gutted winked at him. "Don't worry," he said, "we'll fix it." And with that, Hairy gave Gutted a right upper cut to his forehead.
***
"Ooh, look Harmonious, your old loverboy just hit Gutted on the forehead." Draino languidly said. "Why you! He's not my loverboy. Try Wronky's loverboy." Harmonious slapped him on the wrist. Draino's eyes widened. "You mean-Oh my god." Harmonious went on, "You're mine. He's never been mine." Draino was surprised. "Never?" he said. "Oh yes," Harmonious breathed into his neck, "Never." Draino punched the air in triumph. "Cribbe, Doily, pay up!" The two grumbed but dutifully paid the 10 Galleons each, 5 for Harmonious and Hairy never being together, and another 5 that Hairy and Wronky were.
Harmonious nibbled at Draino's ear. "Ahh, but that may change soon." Draino pulled a face, and then turned back to Harmonious. "Mmph" she sighed between kisses as they slid under the table. Cribble and Doily were about to peek underneath the tablecloth when a hand pokea out and waved them away. Cribbe and Doily nderstood, so they meandered away towards the melee on the other side of the room.
***
"I tell you, I'm NOT fighting over Harmonious!" Hairy ground out between punches that he was giving to Gutted. "Okay," Gutted said. "I retract that statement." Hairy stopped punching Gutted, stepped back, and smiled, breathing fast and audibly. "Good," he said before walking over to the table where Harmonious and Draino were formerly sitting at.
"Oh Draino, dahling, were are you?" He called out in a sing-song voice. A grunt came from beneath the table. "Not now, Potamus, I haven't finished with Harmy yet." Draino stuck his head out from under the table cloth, "Come back soon though." Hairy raised his eyebrows. "Harmy? Come back soon? What the hell is going on?" He muttered to himself before pushing up his sleeves and launching himself towards the spot where Draino's head was. "Eep!" Draino squeaked before ducking back under and continuing to make out with Harmonious. Hairy landed with a thump, fair and square on Draino's back. Harmonious was squashed beneath them with and "Oof" and Draino looked up in surprise, with some of the "Malfoy charm" coming back. "Come to join us I see." He snickered before turning his attention to Harmonious' left shoulder. Hairy, seeing what Draino was doing to Harmonious' shoulder and where his mouth was heading, started to rip off Draino's clothing. "I'll get you good and proper this time!" Hairy said before proceeding to spank Draino with a hairbrush that had somehow found its way into his pocket. "Yes, yes, yes!" Draino cried out, "Spank me harder, Potty boy!" Harmonious realised she was being pinned to the ground by Draino's body, and being ignored, although every time she tried to wriggle out from under him, she just got more trapped. "Oh well," she though, "might as well make the most of it. At least I can say both Hairy and Malfunction were lying on top of me at one time. I bet even Lavender couldn't claim that something like this had happened to her." So she pulled Draino's head down and kissed him full on the mouth. "Oh yeah…" she exhaled as Draino wriggled between her legs, robes pushed up to her waist. "If only Wronky were here too…" she thought as Hairy realised that he was lying on someone other than Draino.
***
Gutted slumped down next to Fried on the floor. "I'm glad that's over." He said as he gingerly touched his nose. "Ouch!" he winced, "I think it's broken." Fried produced a handkerchief he didn't know he had from his pocket. "Here, take this." Fried said in a fatherly voice. Gutted took it, then commented, "I'd better go to Madman Plumfree." Gin and Tonic decided it was safe to speak up. "Madman Plumfree ran away with Confessor Rector. Didn't you know that?" Gutted frowned. "No. When did that happen?" Gin and Tonic sighed, "Last night at supper. Didn't you hear?" Gutted shook his head. "Nope. I was in Squilch's closet making out with Angleina (That's Angelina, but here it's Angle-ina). Didn't get caught, too." Gutted smiled wistfully. "You know, her lips are…" Gin and Tonic gave her an exasperated look. "Really, Gutted!" she said, "Really!"
By this time, Cribbe and Goyle had finished meandering over. Cribbe announced "Hairy, Draino and Harmonious are under the table together." And all heads were turned towards him, including McGoneagirl and Dumbelladorn, who had just waltzed in the door, hand in hand. "Excuse me everyone." Dumbelladorn started to talk, a sparkle in his eye, "McGoneagirl and I are going to get married." The heads of Draino, Hairy and Harmonious popped up from under the table, all looking very guilty, Hairy's flushed, Draino's more pale than usual, and Harmonious' ravaged. A huge amount of whispering filled the room, despite the fact that there were only about 10 people other than Dumbelladorn and McGoneagirl in the room. "And to celebrate the engagement," he continued, "we are going to have a party!" And with that, two Cornish pasties flew in and made the room so party-like that no-one could resist joining in. Catty, Angleina, and some Zitherpin girls appeared, so everyone would have a dancing partner. "Care to dance?" Draino casually asked Harmonious, although there was nothing casual in the way he felt. Harmonious got out from under the table, then straightened her robes. She took Draino's proffered hand, and walked into the middle of the room. As the slow music came on, Harmonious waved goodbye to Hairy and gave him a small smile. Hairy felt something in his head go "Ping". "Damn!" he swore. He didn't know what was happening to himself, but he knew it wasn't good.
Harmonious put her arms around Draino's neck, and laid her head on his chest. Draino pulled her closer, and pulled her closer so that not even a microbial entity could have passed between them. Harmonious found that she was now straddling Draino, and it wasn't an altogether unpleasant feeling. She was pretty sure Draino enjoyed it too, from the expression on his face. "Uh, Draino…" she said a little uncertainly, "Is that your wand in your pocket or is that my imagination?" Draino smiled slowly, almost cat-like. "That sure isn't my wand and it definitely isn't your imagination either." Harmonious turned a beetroot red. "Oh. I see." Although she didn't really see, she just felt it.
***
"Ping ping ping ping ping!" Hairy swore colourfully and copiously in three different languages. "These damn pings in my brain won't stop!" He complained to Wronky, who had a very wide smile on his face. Gin and Tonic, meanwhile, was still pointing her wand at Hairy from behind. Wronky glanced over Hairy's shoulder and winked at Gin and Tonic. Hairy noticed and whirled around to see who it was. "It's you!" Hairy yelled as he pounced on Gin and Tonic, pulled up her shirt and started to tickle her. She giggled madly and blushed, as Hairy's hands moved around her belly. Then they started to move upwards-then up more-then-"Hairy, what are you doing?" Wronky interrupted. "Uh…" Hairy stopped to think for a moment, and took his hands out from under Gin and Tonic's top. "He was tickling me." Gin and Tonic hastily explained, red in the face. Gutted joined Wronky. "Ah, yes. Tickling you. Well," he smirked, "I guess I have some tickling to do on another victim." He smiled at Angleina on his arm, and she giggled, blushing profusely and hiding her head in Gutted's shoulder.
***
"You know, Harmonious, we've got to do something about this." Draino nodded his head towards Gin and Tonic and Hairy. "Yeah. It's the classic trick. The girl gets her big brother's best friend." Harmonious said against Draino's chest, sounding rather muffled. "What was that?" he said, not hearing her over the extremely loud music, and the disco lights preventing him from seeing her properly. "I said, it's the classic trick." Draino understood immediately, having seen it done before to some of his good friends. "Mmm. Well, there's always a little bird somewhere willing to spread rumours." He said while kissing Harmonious' hair. "Yeah. When Leavener and Carvati come back, I'll get them to, and promise a kiss from Hairy if they do." Harmonious said absently, staring in Catty's direction. "Excuse me." She said, then disentangled herself from Draino and walked over to Gutted who was dancing with Catty.
"May I cut in?" she asked politely. "Certainly" Fried replied and left her to dance with Catty. Gutted himself went to dance with Fried and Angleina.
***
Dumbelladorn and McGoneagirl waltzed out of the room as quickly as they had waltzed in, away to a closet in the Gastronomy tower. As soon as they were out of the Grate Wall, they realised they were holding hands and standing rather too close to each other. "Oh." They both said, turning red. "I'm sorry-." "No, I'm sorry."
"Please," McGoneagirl said, "There must be a logical explanation for this." Dumbelladorn scratched his chin. "Yes. We must sweep the school with a Checking charm. There must be something that's doing this and it probably isn't a good thing." McGoneagirl straightened her robes and started to riffle through a book she had summoned. "Ah. This one should do it." She stabbed the page with her wand, furiously blushing. Dumbelladorn read through it, then nodded. "We'll have to get it done soon, before this, or anything happens again. Although from by the looks of what was happening in the Wall…" he trailed off thoughtfully. "I could have been a strong love charm." McGoneagirl suggested, "Perhaps the—." "No, it would have to be a Dark Farce one to work on us." Dumbelladorn interrupted, stressing the us. "Yes, well, we'll have to do something anyway, so why not look for Dark Farces as well?" McGoneagirl said. "Very well." Dumbelladorn sighed, although secretly he was rejoicing, having manoeuvred McGoneagirl into the very position he wanted.
A/N: D'you know how hard it is to get 40kb worth of writing? Sheesh. Well, I'm ending this part here, I have other pressing stuff to do. See ya next time!