Title: mo mhuirnín dílis (my own true love) - 1/1
Fandoms: BtVS
Pairings: Angel/Xander, Angel/Buffy
Rating: R
Spoilers: Nothing but vague references to season 1 and two, set in the beginning of season 2 before Angel and Buffy were an official item. This story is an Alternate Universe with some small changes that should meld well into the other seasons.
Warnings: Some non-explicit M/M kissing and touching, AU, angst, violence, brief but explicit sexual descriptions, language, misuse of magic, some not so nice treatment of two BtVS characters… A.K.A character bashing, no happy ending (I am working on the sequel with the happily-ever-after. :p)
Summary: After Angel saves Xander from some vampires, some things come to light and their relationship changes... but Buffy won't let Angel go.
"Alright Scoobs, I'm gonna head home for the night, big test tomorrow in Chem, so my brain needs some good sleep to get that C- I've been dreaming of." Xander said as he shut a heavy tome on Bolian demon rituals and how to not get dead 'cause of them.
They had been at it for about nine hours, trying to figure out what a group of Bolian demons were up to and why they needed human sacrifices to do whatever it is they are up to. They still hadn't had much luck even after going through countless tomes and scrolls.
"Very well, Xander." Giles said distractedly as he continued to read from the book in front of him.
"I'm gonna' go too… got the same test-" Willow got up with a yawn and then grinned at Xander "… different results."
Xander rolled his eyes at his friend.
"I'll walk you home, Wills." Buffy jumped up grabbing Mr. Pointy from the table. Catching Angel's eye from across the table she gave him a flirty smile and threaded an arm through Willow's. "Night, Angel. Night, Giles."
Willow waved at them all and walked out with Buffy talking about an outfit she'd seen that she wanted to buy.
Xander watched the two girls walk out with a sigh. "Guess I'm walking home alone then. Night, G-Man… Deadboy." Xander said with a sneer and walked out of the library.
Angel stood from his chair and looked at the closing door with a frown. Sliding the tome he'd been reading for the last hour to the Watcher. "Giles, this might help, I found a passage referencing Bolian fertility rituals that are done every hundred years or so on the night of the spring equinox."
"Hmmm," Giles murmured as he took the book from the vampire and read about the ritual. "I believe you might be right."
"We have a week before the equinox, so the human sacrifices won't take place until then." Angel started heading for the door. "I'm going to make sure Xander gets home safe."
Giles nodded his head and made a shooing motion just before the sound of the library door closed. A few seconds later he lifted his head with a frown and looked where the vampire had disappeared only a few seconds before. The vampire was following Xander home? That was unusual… Giles pondered the oddness of it for a moment before returning to the tome's passage with a shrug.
Angel trailed Xander through the dark deserted streets of Sunnydale, his steps on the broken and cracked sidewalk silent as he moved. Xander wasn't so silent. He'd taken to absently kicking rocks and sticks in his path across the sidewalk, softly humming a song under his breath as he made his way home.
The vampire could easily smell Xander's scent from his place twenty feet behind him and allowed the intoxicating scent to envelope him, enjoying the way his body relaxed and became at ease when Xander was near. He'd always found Xander's scent intriguing, but the longer he knew the boy and the more he learned about him, the more the scent became a grounding force for the brooding vampire. The subtle scent of spice and cedar with a hint of citrus that rounded the scent out… it was a grounding force in Angel's tumultuous life and the vampire had come to rely on it very quickly.
He'd taken to following Xander home after the Scoobies' late night research meetings, wanting to make sure the boy made it home in one piece. Xander had learned a lot about fighting in the year that he'd been aware of what went bump in the night, but Angel felt nonetheless protective of him and couldn't help watching over the boy.
In the last few months, Angel had come to realize his attraction to Xander and his waning feelings for Buffy. In the beginning, Buffy had seemed like a perfect mate, innocent and pure… everything he'd never been, even in his short life as a human. She was the epitome of everything he strived for; the normal life and love that would erase the centuries of killing, pillaging and raping that he had taken part of as Angelus. Angel had put her up on a pedestal and had loved her from afar, but he hadn't really loved her, more the idea of what she represented.
With Xander, Angel had always been drawn to the boy; even Angelus, locked away within the back reaches of his mind, had felt the pull towards the boy, protective in the demon's own way. However, Angel had denied the attraction, turning it into anger and jealousy as Xander tried to vie for Buffy's attention. But, the more that time moved on and his feelings grew, Angel was unable to deny the truth of what he felt.
After that, Angel began pulling back from Buffy, distancing himself from her in anything other than helping in the fight against the darker elements of Sunnydale. But Buffy remained oblivious to Angel's distance, trying as hard as always to stay close to Angel and keep his attention. Angel was at a point where he knew he would have to make a decision soon… whether to let the boy go, forever ignorant of Angel's feelings for him or tell Xander and risk the wrath of Buffy when she finally realized that Angel was no longer her would-be tortured brooding vampire love interest
That was the thing about Buffy that had taken the longest for Angel to truly realize… that Buffy was more in love with the idea of him as well, rather than in love with the vampire Angel really was. Buffy was just a young girl who was caught up in a fantasy romance of the tortured hero she could rescue with her love and that more than anything was what truly set him on the path to admitting his true feelings for Xander and his lack of them when it came to Buffy.
Angel was pulled from his thoughts as he saw three shadows slink through the trees towards where Xander walked, oblivious to the threat drawing closer. Picking up his speed, Angel darted toward the vampires just as the one in the lead darted out behind Xander and latched onto his throat a second later. Angel staked the first vamp into a cloud of ash and was on his second one before they even noticed him, the vampire who had Xander looked up... his mouth wet with Xander's blood... as the second vampire met the same fate as the first.
The remaining vampire, having realized that Angel was a true threat to him, released Xander who fell to the ground, and started to run away. Growling in anger at the state of his boy, Angel threw one of his stakes sharply through the air and gave a feral grin in satisfaction as the vampire burst into another cloud of ash.
Darting over to the boy, Angel knelt down beside Xander and pulled the boy close as he licked the open wound, letting his saliva close and heal it. The taste of Xander's blood was like ambrosia on his tongue, Angel shivered and growled in pleasure, pulling Xander even closer. Once the wound was completely healed Angel finally leaned back and met the boy's gaze.
Xander looked pale, but otherwise unharmed as the boy looked up at Angel, his eyes wet with tears and filled with hope as he gave the souled vampire a weak lopsided smile. "Tha-anks, for the sa... ve... Deadboy."
"Don't talk, Xander... save your energy," Angel said quietly, unable to resist carding his fingers through the boy's hair.
Xander gave him one more sweet smile and then passed out.
Wrapping his arms around Xander's back and another under Xander's legs, Angel picked the boy up and carried him back to his apartment, relishing the feel of the beautiful boy in his arms the whole time.
Once he had them in his apartment, Angel carried the boy to his bed and gently placed him on it, carefully arranging the boy under the blankets. Sitting on the bed, Angel just let himself look at the sight before him... something he never thought he'd get the chance to see, the beautiful boy spread out on his sheets and peacefully sleeping surrounded by Angel's scent.
Unable to resist, Angel took off his shoes and undressed down to his boxers and got under the covers, drawing the boy close, nuzzling into the back of his head with a rumbled growl of contentment. As Angel fell asleep with his boy in his arms, he vowed that he would fix the situation with Buffy and finally tell his boy how he felt.
Xander woke up slowly, the feeling of warmth, contentment and safety surrounding him as the drowsy haze of sleep faded from his mind. It was then that Xander realized that he wasn't alone and that he wasn't in his own bed. He could feel strong arms around him, the press of a firm chest behind him and the feel of soft lips on the nape of his neck. Looking around Xander realized where he was... he had only been in Angel's apartment once, months ago after Buffy had dragged him and Willow along in a oh-so-obvious ploy to "hang out" with Angel as a group. Buffy had spent the whole time simpering and fluttering her eyelashes at Angel to the point that Xander had to leave the room just to stop himself from saying something he knew he would regret.
At the time, Xander had passed through Angel's bedroom to the bathroom and let his curiosity get the best of him as he'd looked around the room for a minute or two. From the soft red silk sheets to the wall full of books and the distinctive smell of Angel's cologne... Xander had just breathed it in and closed his eyes for a second before he'd reeled it all in and made his way to the bathroom like he originally had intended. Since then he'd stayed clear of the temptation that Angel's underground apartment held for him.
He'd tried so hard to deny the feelings his had for the vampire, but try as hard as he could he couldn't let it go. Angel was brave, kind, sexy, intelligent, strong, protective, fierce and so much more. Xander had been drawn to the vampire since the first time he met him and the more he got to know him the more Xander's feelings had grown.
Oh sure, he'd tried to forget about them, tried to mask them with disgust and anger, tried to make himself believe that Buffy was the one that he wanted, but it was all a lie. Xander was in serious like with Angel... no, he was in love with the stupid brooding vampire and he had no hope of it being returned. Angel was Buffy's kinda-almost-boyfriend and Buffy had made it very clear that Angel was gone on the Slayer, completely in love with her... that he thought she was practically perfect in every way.
So, Xander had kept it to himself and tried to not let it show when he witnessed Buffy flirting up a storm with Angel as the souled vampire gazed lovingly back at her.
Except, now here he was in Angel's bed and wrapped in the arms of a man that could be nobody else but Angel. It was simultaneously the best and worse moment of his life. The best, obviously because he finally knew what it felt like to have those strong arms wrapped around him and holding him tight; to know what it felt like to be protected and cared for by the vampire. The worse... because now that he knew what it felt like to be held by Angel, how was he ever going to get over the brooding Deadboy?
As his mind tumbled over his conflicting feelings, Xander gave in to the urge and scooted farther back in Angel's arms, a contented sigh slipping out as Angel held him tighter in his sleep and kissed the nape of Xander's neck with a soft rumbling growl.
"What are you thinking about?"
"...how much I like being held by you, Deadboy." Xander replied before he even realized the question had been asked.
A squeak slipped from his lips, one that Xander would absolutely deny later, and he snapped his head around and looked at the vampire behind him in horror at what he said.
Angel chuckled and held on tighter as Xander tried to wiggle away from him in embarrassment, the boy's face flushing red with shame. Nuzzling the boy's neck, Angel whispered back, "I like holding you too, Xander."
The boy's struggles to get free stopped. "Really?"
The question was asked softly with a healthy dose of hope laced through it.
Gently pushing the boy onto his back, Angel leaned over him, his body resting half on top of Xander as the boy's legs spread unconsciously, leaving a space for Angel to rest between his thighs. He smiled as Xander's eyes glazed over at being held down against the bed.
"Really." Angel grinned and let his knuckles glide down Xander's cheek, his thumb catching erotically on the boy's plump bottom lip. He felt himself harden when the boy unconsciously licked him lips and sighed.
"What about Buffy? She's convinced you two are soulmates or something." Xander finally asked, biting his lips nervously.
Sighing, Angel carded his fingers through his boy's hair. "I've been trying to figure out a way to tell her that I'm not in love with her, that I never was... but it's been difficult. It was more about the redemption I thought she offered me with her love than how I felt about her. And, then this smart mouthed little brat came along and I couldn't take my eyes off him. He was beautiful, inside and out, so brave and loyal... so unbelievably out of my reach as a souled vampire looking for redemption for 250 years of truly evil acts. The more I tried to make myself fall in love with Buffy the more you wormed your way in instead and now I'm unable to see any one else in the roll as the love of my existence except you."
Xander then gave Angel the most blinding smile he'd ever seen, wrapping his arms around Angel's neck and leaning up to whisper against the vampire's lips, "I love you, too... so much."
In the next second, Xander found himself consumed in a fiery kiss that took the breath from him. He whimpered as Angel held him tight, their tongues sliding erotically together, breath mingling, making it impossible to figure out where Xander ended and Angel began.
Carding his fingers through Angel's hair, Xander wrapped his legs around the vampire's waist and thrust up against the hard length that had been teasing him for a while now. Angel growled, the sound sending shivers down Xander's spine, and then the vampire rocked down into Xander with purpose. Pulling back from the kiss, Angel looked down at Xander and the boy mewled at the heated look in Angel's eyes.
"So beautiful, baby," Angel whispered and kissed him again, this time the kiss was soft and sweet, chaste but filled with so much love that Xander felt his heart constrict in his chest at being the focus of that much love.
Angel pulled away slightly, still laying on top of Xander, but more holding him close than with a purpose to make Xander excited.
"Why'd you stop?" Xander pouted.
"No matter how much I've love to keep going, to see what you look when I make you cum, to know what it feels like to hold you down and thrust inside you," Angel growled as Xander whimpered and tried to pulling him back down and kiss him, "But, I want you to know that you're the only one I want... so, until I make sure that Buffy knows that whatever relationship we have besides a professional one is over I won't slip between your thighs and sink to the heaven between them."
Xander gave a soft sigh, his eyes closed and a faint smile on his lips before he pouted and let him arms flop down to the bed. "Okay, I get where you're coming from and I don't want to see Buff hurt either... but we can still kiss and touch, right? I like you holding me."
"Yeah, baby... I wouldn't be able to stop now, even if I tried." Angel smiled and kissed the tip of Xander nose, laughing when the boy scrunched his nose adorably at the touch.
Despite Angel's best efforts, three weeks later he still hadn't found the time to talk to Buffy properly. Between the coming Bolian demon ritual sacrifice, patrol and Buffy finding herself in a month's worth of detention because of her tendency to not curb her words... well, Angel hadn't seen her much at all. The few times that he had he'd tried to explain things to her, that they were officially over, not that they had ever really started in the first place... but Buffy was either willfully obtuse or far slower on the uptake than Angel had thought.
Xander on the other hand... well, the boy had practically moved into Angel's apartment since that first night. They hadn't gone further than kissing and snuggling, but every night Angel went to bed with the beautiful boy held tight in his arms, like now.
They'd gone to bed not too long ago and had spent quite a bit of time just kissing. Angel had never been so content with kissing as he was now, the feel of Xander in his arms, the taste and touch of him. As a vampire Angel had known for a long time that Heaven was out of his reach, but in this moment with his boy sleeping wrapped in his arms, Heaven was not only within his reach... but found within the circle of his arms.
With his senses so focused on Xander watching the boy sleep, Angel failed to hear the front door to his apartment open or the sound of soft feet treading lightly through the apartment and into his bedroom.
The moment Angel was aware that they weren't alone was the moment that Buffy became aware that someone else was in Angel's bed with him.
"What the hell!?" Buffy screeched as she turned on the lights, her face red with anger and her fists clenched tight beside her.
Xander, at the screech of Buffy's voice, was ripped from the peaceful sleep he'd found while held by Angel and jumped in fright at the loud noise.
"Buff, what are you doing here?" Xander said sleepily.
"Me? What the hell are YOU doing here, Xander?"
Xander finally came fully awake, his eyes widening with shock and fear as he looked from Buffy to Angel and back again. "Um..."
Sighing, Angel kissed Xander on the forehead and finally got out of bed.
"Buffy, I've been trying to tell you for a while now, but I haven't been very successful about it and I am sorry."
"Tell me what, that you're cheating on me with my looser friend?!" Buffy exclaimed in outrage.
"Hey, that's not fair!" Xander yelled as he got out of bed.
"Buffy, I never cheated on you. For me to do that we would have had to be together in the first place, which we weren't. And the fact of the matter is, I have been pulling away for months now and we barely spend any time together, least of all alone. But you never noticed... you were too wrapped up in what you wanted rather than what was actually happening."
"Angel, that not true, we've been dating for months." Buffy said with a huffy tone, her eyes and demeanor implying that he was stupid. "What about all those nights we went on romantic walks around town or the times we spent all night together talking and having fun? Huh?"
Angel replied back just as slowly, the implication that she might be the one who was simple-minded and vapid. "Buffy, those were nights when we were out patrolling or doing research. If those counted as dates then I must be dating all of you because nine times out of ten Xander, Willow, Cordelia or Giles were there right alongside you."
Xander snickered, but quickly stopped at the glare leveled his way from Buffy.
"Buff, come on, you had to have known that he wasn't that into you anymore... and, man do I hate using that cliché, but it's the truth. Me and Angel have been dating for over three weeks, he's been trying to let you down easy the entire time, but between you not wanting to understand what he was trying to tell you and the whole busy Slayer life it obviously didn't work for him." Xander sighed and walked around to where Angel stood and grabbed his hand, leaning into the vampire's tall, strong body. "I love him, Buffy and he loves me, we've been dancing around our feelings for each other since we first met, I'm sorry you had to get hurt in the process."
"Xander ,I'm not an idiot, it's obvious that you're just jealous of what me and Angel had and you've done something to make Angel think he's in love with you and not me. YOU'RE NOT EVEN GAY!" Buffy stamped her foot as tears fell from her eyes, glaring furiously at them both. "I'm gonna find out what you did and fix it Xander, Angel is meant to be with me and you're the loser who's a reject during high school... that's the way it's supposed to be!"
"That's it, Buffy, I know you're hurt, but I won't let you talk about Xander that way. I don't know how many times I can say this or what way will finally make you realize it, but we are through, we never even started to be begin with. I don't love you, I never loved you, it was always more about what you represented than you as a person and I'm sorry I let you think otherwise. I love Xander, I'm in love with Xander and nothing is going to change that. Grow up and stop acting like a spoiled child who isn't getting her way."
Buffy stepped back with a hurt look on her face, tears streaming down her cheeks. Then a furious gleam seemed to take the place of the tears and pain, morphing her face into something dark and deranged.
"I don't car what either of you say, Angel I know you're in love with me just like I'm in love with you. We're meant to be together and I don't know how Xander did it, but I'm going to save you. You're not gay, you'd never be something disgusting like that and Xander's just doing something to make you think you are." The Slayer turned her cold and deadly eyes on Xander, the teen taking a step back at the crazy look in her eyes. "I'm gonna make you pay for this, Xander, nobody takes my Angel from me!"
Buffy stormed out of the apartment, slamming the door in her wake.
The two of them stood quietly in the bedroom for a few seconds after she left, a nervous and uncomfortable silence filled the room.
"So, she seems pretty mad, like crazy-gonna-kill-me-and-chop-me-up-into-little-pieces-mad." Xander bit his bottom lip nervously as he looked at Angel.
The souled vampire sighed and stepped closer to his boy, wrapping his arms around him and nuzzling his face into the tousled black hair on Xander's head, breathing in the unique scent of his boy.
"I know, hopefully she will get over it and realize that we were never "meant to be". She's just so caught up in the whole idea of me being her brooding knight in shinning armor to see it, but this, us, is the way it was supposed to be... despite what she thinks." Angel cupped Xander's cheeks in his hands and rested his forehead against the teen's. "I knew from the moment that I met you that you were it for me, even the demon Angelus is knew it too, it just took me a while to accept it. I was so blinded by the promised redemption Buffy could give me that I didn't notice that the only redemption worth having was the one found in your kiss."
Xander's heart turned to mush at those words, a whimper slipping from his lips as he surged upwards and kissed Angel fiercely, letting all of his emotion and love out in a wave of passion that he'd never felt before. Wrapping his arms around Angels neck, Xander leaned in the vampires body, sighing into the kiss as Angel's tongue caressed his, dueling swiftly in and out of his mouth, mimicking the carnal act that Xander craved but wasn't quiet sure he was ready for.
They stayed like that for some time, kissing and touching everything in reach before finally Angel pulled back and drew Xander towards the bed.
"Come on, baby, it's the middle of the night, come back to bed."
Laying down, Angel pulled his boy into his arms and sighed, the feel of Xander's body against his was everything he'd ever hoped for. As Xander settled into his arms and drifted off to sleep, Angel laid awake watching his love, a layer of fear of what the Slayer would do lingering in his mind.
For several days things seemed to be bad. Buffy was angry and hurt, full of vicious words she reserved only for Xander, cutting him with her thinly veiled hate as she heaped equal loads of love and smarmy, sweet affection on Angel. Xander accepted the fact that Buffy was hurt at what had happened and expected it. So, even though he was hurt at not only her words but the way that Willow seemed to side with Buffy, he tried to let it slide off of his back.
He had Angel's love, that was all that mattered.
Giles and the rest of the group remained oblivious to what was going on, and Xander was amazed by Buffy's restraint in not whining to the Watcher about what Xander had "done". Of course, he wondered why she kept it a secret, but he never imagined the real reason would be so horrible.
Four nights after Buffy entered Angel's apartment to find them in bed together, the same thing happened, but this time she brought Willow with her. Before either of them could fully react, Willow whispered a spell that bound them on the bed, unable to get free.
"Willow, what was that, you can do magic?" Xander yelled as he tried to get free.
"I've been dabbling with it for a while now after I found some Wicca books in the library. I didn't want to say anything until I knew I'd found my power, especially with how Giles is about this stuff." Willow explained as she and Buffy began unpacking spell ingredients from a bag they had brought.
"Buffy, what are you doing? Let us go, now!" Angel demanded sharply, his voice quiet and deadly as he glared at the Slayer.
"This is for your own good, Angel. Whatever Xander did to you Willow can't undo, so she's going to completely overwrite it... make you be who you're meant to be and love me like you used to before that traitor did whatever he did."
Buffy smiled sweetly and placed a kiss on Angel's lips, the vampire reared back and hissed at her. If a look could kill, Buffy would have been six feet under. Buffy frowned at the vampire's reaction and glared at Xander before walking back over to help Willow.
"Wills, come on, you know I didn't do anything. Don't do this. I love Angel and he loves me, please, believe me!" Xander pleaded, tears forming in his eyes as Willow looked up at him for a moment before shaking her head and went back to mixing the spell ingredients into a bowl.
"I don't know what happened, but I know you Xander, you're not gay and you'd never hurt Buffy like this. I don't think you did it on purpose like Buffy thinks, but whatever happened needs to be fixed. Angel's supposed to be with Buffy and I hoped, well maybe... uh, I thought that someday we'd..."
Willow blushed and then started drawing a pentagram on the bedroom floor in the wine colored potion mixture she'd created to help her spell focus with her being so new to wicca spells.
"What? Willow, that would never happen! You're my Wills, but not like that!" Xander grimaced. "That's like being with a sister or something. Ew!"
Willow flushed in anger and then finished the pentagram. "I know that's not really you talking, Xander, that's whatever is influencing you and Angel. I'm gonna fix it and everything is going to be perfect again."
Angel began struggling fiercely against the invisible bonds that bound them, growling, twisting furiously, his game face came out as the sound of a bone breaking filled the silence, the vampire trying everything to get free. Xander couldn't help but look in awe at the lengths the vampire was going to trying to free them and stop Buffy and Willow.
Buffy grabbed a still bound Xander from the bed and placed him so that he was kneeling in the center of the pentagram before doing the same to Angel, though she struggled a bit more from the vampire's strength and efforts to get free. She pulled a heavy set of chains free from another bag and bound them with it, making sure that neither one of them would get loose before the spell was complete.
"Please, don't do this, we're telling the truth!" Xander felt tears escape from his eyes, the wonderful future with Angel starting to slip away before his eyes. "I love him, don't take this away from us, PLEASE!"
"Xander," the sound of Angel whispering drew his attention away from Willow as she began a controlled fire in the background that didn't ignite anything but itself, Buffy's smugly standing nearby to watch the love they had for each other be ripped from their minds. Turning towards his vampire lover, Xander leaned close so that their foreheads were resting against each others. "I love you, nothing they do can take that away from you. Whatever happens, remember how much I love you, mo mhuirnín dílis (my own true love). I'm still going to love you, even if we don't remember it!"
"I love you too, I don't want to forget how much I love you!" Xander whispered and then screamed at Buffy's smug look, at Willow's Resolve Face, at the injustice of finally finding something good in this horrible Hellmouth only to have it ripped away from him. "Please, don't do this, please... I love him so much and you're killing it, YOU'RE KILLING IT!"
"This is for your own good, Xander, once this is over you'll agree with us." Willow said after she finished getting the fire ready, a frown on her face at his words. But as she placed an odd looking bunch of dried flowers into the fire, she began to chant with a smile on her face, a crystal held in her hand with it's tip in the fire. "For Angel and Xander, this I char. Let Lethe's Bramble do its chore. Purge their minds of memories unwelcome, of love derived from recent sinful betrayal and untruths. Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa, Tabula Rasa."
Xander looked at Angel, letting his love shine through his eyes one more time before he forgot as Angel did the same. "I love you, Angel."
"I love you too, Xander. I always will, whether I remember or not." Angel leaned down and gave him a final kiss as the spell began to take effect, it was sweet and chaste, a more perfect kiss there never was. Since the invention of the kiss, there have only been five kisses that were rated the most passionate, the most pure. This one left them all behind.
The End (for now)
AN: Okay, so I'm sure you guys all hate me for leaving the fic on a cliffhanger, but I am already working on the sequel with a definitely happy ending (wink wink at the double entendre, lol). Props to anyone who got the Princess Bride reference. :-P