Disclaimer: All television shows, books, movies, and other copyrighted material referred to in this work and the characters, events, and settings thereof are the properties of their respective owners. No profit was earned during the making and posting of this fic.
A/N: This is the first angsty piece for Grey's I've written. I'm not sure how well it will be received. It's a one shot, I don't want to follow it up right now but hopefully you enjoy it for what it is. It's not exactly on the timeline of Grey's but it's hardly AU by any means. If you like it let me know.
XOXOXO
The wind swept loose strands of gold upwards that had escaped the confines of an elastic band hastily used in order for a pale pink scrub cap to be placed upon her head. The cap was amiss, thrown down into a laundry bag in frustration and anger, mostly misplaced at herself as none of the pity filled eyes in the room looked at her as though she was a monster. It did not matter, for a monster is what she felt. No amount of reason or logic could evaporate those burdening emotions that right now weighed her down on the hardened ground. Her mind ready to drift away fleetingly yet flashes of what had just happened retained it, forcing her into the past and present combined, a jumble of guilt and gravity still swelling in her gut as the little girl's chest rose and fell for the last time. She had screamed. Only in her head, just like she always had done when they died. She had yelled for the girl who would never grow again, for the parents left behind inconsolable, for her team who despite their best efforts had failed, for her friend whose birthday night and celebrations she had just ruined, at herself who was living and alive and yet sitting there with a cigarette clutched in her hand.
So deep in thought with the persecution of her hands, she failed to hear the clicking of the heavy door signalling her solitude at an end. When the other presence was felt she barely blinked and instead drew a drag from the burning stick already waiting at her lips, eager to satisfy the need to feel something. Her company stayed silent and so she watched with effort the circles and twists of smoke whisked away with the cool breeze wishing she too could just blow away. When the embers burnt out she slipped another out from her crumpled packet and lit it too, thankful her mother was not around to see her chain smoking for the inevitable bickering that would erupt would be too much to handle right now. She was too much to handle. That is what her last real girlfriend had told her. The nights she never came home, the ones she did she was preoccupied, the long hours, the missed dates, the forced apologies, all too much until one day she came home to an emptier apartment and an even emptier heart. Maybe she was too much.
The lighter hissed in ignition as she fumbled with it roughly, twirling it around and around in her palm, digging its edges into her delicate skin as the flame swelled and petered out at her will. Control.
"If you're doing this again at least give me one."
Arizona inhaled the toxicity before throwing her pack at her guest's feet. She opened her hand and allowed the lighter to be taken, its calming weight a loss to her bones. She listened to the deep breath of smoke her company dragged, waiting for its return out of her mouth. The other woman uttered no more words for they were superfluous in the moment. Two cigarettes each were smoked and stubbed out before her own mouth betrayed her silence, evading her lips, hoarse from the tears and anguish she had previously expressed.
"I'm sorry. You should be celebrating your-"
"Don't." It was a command and one she obeyed. "I'm where I need to be."
Arizona attempted a smile although it strained her porcelain features to do so and looked more like a grimace than she would have cared for.
"I'm ok." It was a blatant lie, the kind that strangers would have noticed and arched an enquiring eyebrow at. Teddy did no such thing, more than used to the stubborn woman's need to project her autonomy and strength. She was a good man in a storm. They both were.
"I'll still be thirty two tomorrow and the day after that. I don't care about tonight so stop looking guilty." They both knew she had meant more than just the missed party.
Arizona looked up and met her friend's gaze for the first time that night, shocked that she was apparently so transparent in her emotions. Guilt. What a bizarre feeling. Only attributed to the human species, most of the time unwarranted, the fierceness of it a downfall for many.
She could not reply and instead shook her head, a sardonic laugh willing to escape the cavern of her mouth. She deserved more than guilt.
"How about a drink?"
Arizona pondered the question. She could almost taste the burning soothe of liquor poured down her oesophagus if she tried hard enough. It was a terrible idea; she knew she had to execute it immediately.
"Ok."
With the confirmation gained that she knew she would achieve, Teddy pulled her aching body upwards, the day had been unkind to her too, although she did not have to absorb the repercussions of a dead child.
"I know you are out of booze so Joe's?"
"But your party is at-" Teddy halted the statement with a pointed look that pierced Arizona's protest. The blonde just nodded in agreement, safe in the knowledge that most of their doctor friends would be at the hospital or at Teddy's apartment ten minutes away. The heart surgeon studied her friend's face focusing on the pain that was etched so very clearly in each pore, her companion radiating sorrow.
"Arizona-"
"Don't." It was she who was scorned this time. Her timing wrong, wounds still too new and raw to discuss, she would wait for the scab to form.
"Ok. Let's go." Arizona's hair shook slightly from the minute nod she gave, ringlets and curls bouncing in the darkness, the streetlight offering little in terms of its purpose or comfort. Her shoes scuffed off the kerb on which she sat, her body had been too weary to make it to her own front door and had carted her off to the sidewalk, literally sitting in the gutter, where she felt she belonged.
They walked in silence. Thoughts permeating their skulls, stirring within them both questions that remained unanswered, each lost to the solutions that eluded them. Arizona lit another smoke for the journey, her hands needing to grasp something else than thin air, her body needing to strain against something, anything. Her lungs burned in their weak protest, she acknowledged them and continued, willing them to leave her be.
Teddy opened the door to their frequent. It was quiet inside, the usual ruckus and commotion elsewhere, only lone drinkers in for a quick one before closing time. They had around thirty minutes left, it would be enough. The strangers left them alone, eyes remaining fixed on glasses, too far gone in their own ideas and self-deprecation to care. They sat at the bar and Teddy ordered telling Joe to leave the bottle of Jim Bean. He nodded and left to clean glasses, his years in the profession gave him the experience of knowing when to shut up and leave customers alone. Both women were thankful for his gift tonight.
Just as she knew it would, the alcohol forced its fiery path into her stomach, instantly relaxing and tensing her synchronically. The nausea overruled as she poured more of it into her system, willing lightness through chemicals just the way her father had done when he returned from his tours.
Five shots later and Arizona excused herself to the bathroom, suddenly self-conscious at the drying crusty tear tracks that were lacing her face like some pathetic sad clown. She pushed the door and squeezed her body through the gap, too tired to make an effort, any kind of effort now. She daren't look at her reflection, instead focusing on the wall behind her in the surface whilst she half-heartedly dabbed her eyes and reddened cheeks. The mascara was gone, the cause that had brought it forth would haunt her tonight, the tiny coffin would be in her dreams, and she was resigned to her fate with quiet acceptance.
She was alone and then she was not. When the two had become different she did not know but there was now another woman staring at her against the wall that had been her focal point. The stranger bowed her head a little and hovered, obviously wanting to help in some way yet unsure of the best approach. It wasn't until she spoke in such a lyrical and orally pleasing manner than Arizona really paid any heed to the mysterious occupant.
"I won't ask if you're ok cause I mean you're obviously not. But if there's anything you need or…" Arizona said nothing but turned around and shot the woman a curious look.
"It's just I've seen you before. I know where you work." The blonde's eyes widened in slight shock and caution.
"No no no not like that. Shit I'm not doing this very well am I? Sometimes I just blurt things out and people give me this look. Not unlike the one you're shooting me right now." The ebony haired woman laughed nervously whilst gesturing with her hands and took three steps towards the upset surgeon.
"Callie Torres, I work at Seattle Grace too, ortho." Arizona at once saw the kindness in her eyes. They were intense. More than a pair of eyes should be. It was at once disconcerting and elating. She knew she would crave them infinitely.
"I took over from you last week on Edward, the little boy with the arm fracture and squished foot, you stopped the internal bleeding and then paged ortho?" The memory flashed in her head and she recalled a woman of darker skin and reddened scrub cap rush in, enthusiasm and confidence evident in the woman's approach and mannerisms. The repairs to his bones weren't severe enough to warrant her presence and so she left the OR having closed up the child's abdomen and was quickly paged elsewhere. Now she wished she had stayed put for those eyes were once again upon her own seeking contact and reflection. She granted it and nodded in recollection.
"I remember. You were good, awesome even, when I saw his post op scans…" She trailed off in admiration.
"Thank you, you weren't so bad yourself," Dr Torres teased. At that she managed to produce a smile that seemed the most genuine she could muster. The one she received back almost toppled her already frail frame. It was breathtakingly stunning and already imprinted within her memory.
"Look I don't know what has you so upset but I'm here alone and if you want some company or to talk it through I get it you know?" Arizona wavered on the offer, on one hand she wanted nothing more than to crawl into bed and wait for the sunlight to offer its solace, on the other she hadn't thought such crippling dark thoughts since this woman entered her life two minutes ago.
"I'd-I'd like that." The chirping of her phone alerted her to a text message to which she ignored in favour of absorbing those russet eyes once more. "Arizona."
The Latina's brows furrowed at the odd word. "Excuse me?"
"My name, my name is Arizona. Arizona Robbins." There was that smile again, it was almost painful the amount of relief it brought forth in the blonde. The taller woman nodded and turned towards the door, holding it open for the pale woman before letting it shut on its own accord behind them. Arizona looked up to find her friend gone from their spot at the wooden counter. Remembering her text, she peeled the phone from her jean pocket and read the message quickly, eyes darting to the words left in haste.
'She's cute and interested. She's watched you the whole time we've been here. You can't change what happened in the past but you can do something about now. Don't fuck this up! You know where to find me –T'
Arizona huffed out a laugh at Teddy's 'words of wisdom'. She was annoyingly accurate. Something she gloated about, actually they both did now she thought of it. Right and awesome. Taking the vacated seat she looked at Dr Torres thoroughly as if she were an artefact kept treasured away in a gallery. She was beyond beautiful, there was no doubting that and looking at her made everything hurt a little bit less, the noose a little looser. She didn't suffer trying to breathe.
As the Latina ordered them both a beer and a shot of tequila a memory snapped to the forefront, a white coat left unattended.
"Calliope," she whispered softly, enthralled by the way it rolled off her tongue like the liquid in her hand. "I remember now, Dr Calliope Torres, you left your lab coat in the attending's lounge." Long ebony hair swished around a tan shoulder as Callie sent Arizona a mischievous smirk.
"Lucky you're pretty; usually nobody gets to call me that and lives." They clinked bottles before downing the dark amber liquid in long swigs, Arizona already feeling the effects of her previous concoctions stirring and combining with her new feelings towards the woman to her left.
"I like it, it suits you. Calliope…" It felt too good not to say it once more. The ortho surgeon just chuckled a raspy laugh and shook her head, dark red lips curving into a grin.
"Just take your shot Dr Robbins." The blonde laughed for the first time since morning, the sound almost an anomaly to her ears yet it permeated through to her soul. Picking up the miniature glass they clinked and smiled at one another once more. She knew right then she was going to be alright.
XOXOXO
A/N: So there you have it, a little twist on their first meeting. Not sure I nailed the character of Arizona very well as I've never written her in depth before, then again, neither has the show! Hope it's not too clunky or flowery, just wanted to do something different. Thanks for reading, I really appreciate it.