Square One
Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars and I make no money from this fanfiction.
Vaguely spoilery for up to 3x19.
Here's thing about square one- you wanted to go back to the start, you wanted to go back to where you were, back a place where you were safe and your problems were small (even though they never felt all that tiny to you at the time). You want to go back to being fresh-faced and innocent; you think of who you were and you feel so strangely envious, envious of the you that gets to live there- in the past. But you realise now, that you can't go back. Square one will never feel as good as it did the first time. You're back where you are but you still can't forget everything you've ever been through. You've gone back but you can't wash off the blood that's staining your thoughts.
You are trying though.
You know it will never be the same as it was- it can't be. One face has replaced another for you (knowing she can never really be replaced). Spencer needs you though (you're a sucker for a girl in emotional distress- it distracts you so well from your own). She's spiralling and she's sucking you in but you know it's better than her being alone. She tells you that you're helping and you're not sure you believe her, the kisses are like anchors, sure, you can see that (you can feel that) but you're not sure about the rest.
You're playing Toby- the two of you were friends, similar in some ways, it's not that much of an act (it's for the best; you never were a very good actress). You don't even know why they broke up or even where he is. You just know it's bad; it must be bad for Spencer to lose it like this. She's playing Ali- for her own benefit as much as yours. She has to be in control, she wants to cling to that.
That means you get to be controllable, you get to just go along with it- it's so easy when some-one else gets to make the decisions. It feels safe, so what you know what it's like to be free now? So what you realised you don't have to hide? You ended up in worse trouble and now you're paying. You like the thought of having something private again- A doesn't seem to know or care. It's like a secret world for just the two of you. You tell yourself you don't feel a sinking feeling every time you walk over there, every time she tells you that this doesn't mean a thing.
She's hurting you but the hurt is so familiar, so soft compared to everything else you've ever been through (it feels weird now, like it belongs to someone else). And it's better, you know, to keep things on this level. You can't fall in love with her- because you know what happens then. She's your friend and you love her- it's become so hard to say now.
But she calls and you go- back to square one.
I wanted to write something Spencer/Emily and I had all these ideas about what that dynamic would be like given the context of recent episodes- I really wanted to write something more substantive in which I would convey things more subtly than I have here but all I seemed to be able manage was this. Please review and let me know what you think.