The Down Low Solution
Amie come sit on my wall
And read me The Story of O
And tell it like you still believe
That the end of the century
Brings a change for you and me
Leonard turns over and looks at the bedside clock. It's 10:30 PM already. He sighs and turns back over, staring at the woman beside him; as much as he hates to, he has to leave soon.
He's loved Penny more or less from the moment he laid eyes on her. Still, being in a relationship with her hasn't always been easy. What Leonard wants most is to tell Penny his biggest secrets and his darkest fears; he badly wants to hear hers, too. Yet, sometimes, he feels that with every step they take forward, they take three steps back. She's tried and he's tried, and most days he actually sees the light at the end of the tunnel.
On the days that he doesn't… he sees Amy.
That's why, once again, he finds himself in Amy's apartment, lying in her bed, holding her close. She's dozed off on his chest, and he runs his fingers through her hair. She looks so peaceful lying against him. It makes his heart swell.
If anyone were to witness this, they'd surely get the wrong impression, he muses, but this isn't about fulfilling sexual needs. They are both fully dressed and lying above the covers. This is about giving and receiving the love and comfort that neither one has ever gotten. Still, some may say, there is no reason for him to be here. Amy has Sheldon. But even though he knows that Sheldon would go to great lengths to make Amy happy, there is only so much that Sheldon is able to do. Sheldon may one day be everything Amy needs him to be but Leonard still wishes that what he and Amy have together will never end. Leonard needs this as much as she does.
From day one, Leonard had felt an odd affection for Amy. Looking back now, he suspects it was his Oedipus complex rearing its ugly head. Like all the others, he'd thought of her as a cold, over-analytical mini-Sheldon at first, and a lot like Beverly Hofstadter really. But as time had gone by, he'd begun to see the broken and the bruised and the real Amy underneath the neatly straightened hair and the unshapely clothes. There was a deep pain and fear that he'd catch in her eyes sometimes. He'd see things there that he knew all too well. That affection had turned into a profound love for the woman. Not the kind of love he feels for Penny or the love he feels for his family or friends. This love, if he can even call it that, is something only he and she understand.
One night, after she'd called him over, they'd ended up cuddling on her couch. He'd asked her why she hadn't asked Sheldon to come instead. She'd simply said that she loved Sheldon enough to give him his space. On a later occasion she'd admitted that, although her first statement had been correct, she also felt a certain degree of comfort with Leonard, which she did not feel with either her boyfriend or her bestie. As much as she knew and that Leonard knew that both Sheldon and Penny cared for her deeply, he had understood what she meant because he often found himself feeling the same way. There were certain things that one could only understand if one had experienced them oneself. Leonard knew that they were both aware that the opportunity of seeking comfort from Penny and Sheldon was available and, if asked, they would give it to them; yet they still both knew that it wouldn't feel as right as this.
He was deeply thankful for having her in his life. He was proud of how far she'd come; how far he'd help her come. With each passing day he saw a more balanced woman. Emotions were hardly ever met with a purely clinical approach anymore when they had their alone time. She now frequently opened up to the traumas that had haunted her life. She let him help her. It made him feel worthy and appreciated; like he wasn't the awkward nerd who always failed as a man but the man who was able to be something for someone. As much as Penny would try to understand, and as certain as Leonard was that Sheldon wore the same scars as he and Amy did, they just wouldn't be able to fully give what was needed to soothe such deep and hidden pains. The empathy wouldn't be as pure.
It was the pain that brings them together time and time again.
He looks down at Amy, and gently strokes her cheek. She lets out a small sigh against his chest and the faintest smile appears on her lips. A smile appears on his too.
"Amy?" he calls softly.
She stirs beside him. "I'm sorry, Leonard," she says in a sleepy voice. "Did I fall asleep on you again?"
"Yeah." He smiles down at her. He let out a satisfied sign. He wants to protect Amy from all the evil of the world, to hold and comfort her, to love her the way she deserves. Sometimes he wonders if he should have taken her off Sheldon's hands that time that he'd offered. Leonard shakes his head, trying to get the silly thoughts out of his mind. He loves Penny, and Amy has Sheldon.
Still, he wonders if, in another universe, they could make this more.
He is snapped back to reality by Amy's faint humming. He grins at her.
"I'll never get your obsession with The Spice Girls, Amy. Do do do do do, always be together, Ba da ba ba, stay that way forever. They're one 90's group that I do not miss."
"I assure you, The Spice Girls have spread a lot of love all over the world, Mister No-one-ever-appreciated-the-poetic-value-of-Richard-Marx," Amy says with a slightly mocking voice.
"Richard Marx has written and recorded many beautiful and touching songs. `Hold on to the Night', `Hazard´, `Children of the Night´—all great songs if you ask me."
"No one asked you, Leonard."
"If you're going to mock me, I might as well just leave," he says.
"Then I promise I'll be nice," she says. She beams at him and buries her head a little deeper into his chest. He smiles down at her and gives her a light squeeze.
"Honestly though, I do need to go. Penny will be home soon."
At the mention of her name, something shifts in the room; something shifts in Amy's eyes. His Amy is gone.
"I understand. Well, as much as I would like for you to send my regards to my bestie, I doubt she would be pleased to hear that you have spent the evening in my bed, therefore I ask you not to mention your whereabouts tonight to her," she says in the deadpan way he so dislikes.
"No worries, I won't."
He untangles himself from Amy's warm body. He hates this part. He badly wants to stay, and fleetingly wonders what would happen if he spends the night, but he knows there is no way he can. Penny is waiting for him.
His feet feel like bricks, but he finds the power to move them and he reaches the front door as Amy trails behind him. As he opens it to leave, a hand stops him in his track. She looks shyly at him.
"I truly appreciate your time, Leonard. I'll do my best to not interfere with your nighttime plans next time distress comes my way. Have a safe journey home." Then, she turns her eyes to the ground.
Before he can respond, and as if she's almost afraid of what he might say, the door is shut.
As he walks down the corridor he fetches his keys from his pocket. The ugly, Scandinavian, troll keychain that nobody knows Amy gave him catches his eye and makes him laugh, just as she said it would; a moment later, he feels a little guilty. They may not be committing infidelity in the common sense, but he can't help but wonder when the other shoe is going to drop on this secret arrangement. He wants to will himself into ending this… thing between them but he can't. He hopes Amy will be the strong one, the one who'll keep him away. He knows he can't stop himself. He knows he'll come back every time she asks and every time he needs it.
He needs her just as much as Sheldon does and, because of that, he hates himself a little more every day.
Author's note: I would like to send a huge thank you to xMarisolx for taking the time to beta this for me. Not only do I want to thank you for helping me with my grammar, spelling and such but also because you gave me a lot of great input. There's nothing better than a great beta.
If you stumble upon a mistake though, it's all me.
Other than that I feel I need to "say" that this was not written because I dislike Shamy or Lenny. I have no problem with any of the pairings in this fandom although I will admit Shenny took some time to get used to. Anyway… This idea just kept bugging me and to be honest, this fandom needs a little Leonard/Amy. Personally I can't shake the feeling that they'd do each other a lot of good.
Lastly, if you made it this far thank you for taking the time to read this.