Everything Wrong with The Land Before Time VIII: The Big Freeze
in 9 minutes or less
Spoilers!
(duh)
Narrator: Our planet earth...
You again? (ding)
Narrator: Like people, they came in all sizes, shapes and colors.
We watched seven f*cking movies before this! I think we've figured this all out by now. (ding)
Narrator: Some could swim.
(a t-rex walks into shallow water, and then just follows over into it)
Narrator: Some couldn't.
And nor could they walk in shallow water. (ding)
Narrator: Some could even whistle.
(a corythosaurus whistle through its crest)
Obvious elk noise is obvious. (ding)
Narrator: And just like all of us sometimes, some had a hard time getting to sleep.
Worst segue into the plot ever. (ding)
Littlefoot: If it's too far back for anyone to remember, than how do you know it happened?
Mr. Thicknose: (stammers) Well, if it never happened, we wouldn't be here.
Seriously, who's writing these movies? Are evolutionists making fun of themselves, that they can't fully explain how they know that the world evolved? (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: Ducky, was your herd up all night gathering treestars?
Ducky: No.
Mr. Thicknose: Then please try to stay awake.
Because there's absolutely no other reason why someone would be kept awake all night. (ding)
Spike is a dick to Ducky. (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: ...Ramming trees with their heads to make treestars fall. Flyers use their wings to fly to the tip top branches...
Littlefoot: Oh, I know how longnecks do it.
And I think everyone present knows how their species gets food. (ding)
(Littlefoot blows through a log creating a steamship-sounding noise)
Uh...no. (ding)
(a melon falls from the tree on Mr. Thicknose's head)
Did melons grow on trees in the days of dinosaurs? (ding)
Littlefoot: We just seem to upset him.
Cera: What do you mean "we"?
Well, Ducky and Spike were interrupting him too. (ding)
Also, Cera is still a brat. (ding)
(Cera punts the melon into the air with her head)
The melon stays in the air. (ding)
Cera: You're just mad.
Ducky: Mad?
Cera: Yeah.
Ducky: Really? Hmm. What do you know? I am mad.
I know Ducky is the slowest to become angry out of the group, but I have a hard time believing that she can't comprehend the fact that she's mad. Then again, I can't think of another instance in the other movies when she gets mad. (ding)
Ducky: What do I do now?
Cera: You came to the right place. If there's one thing us threehorns know about, it's being mad.
Doesn't expressing anger just kind of come naturally? (ding)
Tippy: Friend!
Tippy's mom: Yes, he seemed very sweet.
Hehe. (ding)
(Ducky growls with her teeth together, with her fists held in front of her)
Ducky does her race car driver impersonation. (ding)
Cera: We get m-m-m-m-m-mad!
Ah, I see Cera took singing lessons from Lady Gaga. (ding)
Cera: And make your eyes turn red
I think making your eyes turn red is the harder lesson here. (ding)
Cera: Turn your smiley face upside down
I usually break my neck when I try that. (ding)
Cera: Kick some rocks
(Ducky kicks a small pebble and it doesn't budge)
Ducky: Ow!
Come on, that pebble's not big at all. (ding)
Cera: That's the way you sound/when you're mad
Ducky and Cera: 'Cause if there's mad inside you/or sad inside you
You guys went off key. (ding)
Cera: And screeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaaaaa... (echoes)
Cera's dad: Woah-ho. She's mad at somebody.
So that's a triceratops' mission in life, eh? That explains a whole f*cking lot. (ding)
Ducky: I did not know being mad was such hard work.
Because it's not! (ding)
(Grandpa walks up behind Littlefoot)
Grandpa: Littlefoot, is that you?
This is the part where Littlefoot says "No, it Petrie". (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: What's that? Ha ha ha! Frozen sky stars falling on your head? (skip) Now, Littlefoot, really, such a thing is not unheard of.
Then what the hell were you laughing about? (ding)
Ducky: Rawr! Rawr!
(she jumps into the water with her siblings)
Ducky: I am a swimming sharptooth.
I guess she learned from Mr. Thicknose that sharks used to live on land. (ding)
Also, maybe Ducky wouldn't have known this, but she got chased by a shark once, and it never roared, as sharks don't have vocals chords. That is unless your the Inigo Montoya shark from Jaws 4. (ding)
(Tippy runs into Spike, causing him to stumble forward, face into mud, even though he's standing in front of a body of water)
Uh, where'd the mud come from? (ding)
Ducky's mom: There were no other spiketails in the Great Valley...
Tippy's mom: Until now.
Okay, she may have meant at the time they adopted Spike, but we've seen several other stegosaurs in previous movies, some of whom have had speaking roles. (ding)
(as Spike leaves, thunder is heard, but a storm never starts)
Thunderclap for no reason. (ding)
Ducky's mom: (faintly) Spike lost his parents...
Is Ducky's mom telling the same story as before? (ding)
How does everyone wake up at their normal time when they have cold, heavy layers of snow piled up on top of them? (ding)
Cera's dad: I'll say, it's so slippery, I almost couldn't make it up the hill from my nest.
Corythosaurus: Yeah. He slid backwards right into my nose.
Cera: Haha. It was really funny.
If it was that funny, then I sure wish I could have actually seen it. (ding)
The amount of snow on this branch multiplies by 10 as it falls. (ding)
(Petrie gets hit by a snowball, and falls out of the tree)
(he does a snow angel on the ground before getting up again)
Petrie does a snow angel, because...modern day reference. (ding)
Petrie's mom: Time to head back to the nests.
Is their curfew really still this early? (ding)
(the kids all shout good night to each other individually)
Good night, everybody. Good night, Johnny Boy. Good night, Jimbob. (ding)
(a blizzard occurs in the Great Valley)
Grandpa: Do you still like the ground sparkles, Littlefoot?
Nice. (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: I'm hungry.
Cera's dad: So what? We're all hungry. There's almost no food left, and if you ask me, it's all your fault.
Cera's dad is still a brat. (ding)
Ducky: I do not understand why Spike would want to leave his own family.
You were the one who told him to go! Don't you remember saying...
Ducky: If it is so hard to figure out, I will do it for you. Go, go, go! (ding)
Petrie: He doesn't talk/at all
Really? Then who shouted "Ducky!" in Journey Through the Mists? (ding)
This looks like a flashback to The Stone of Cold Fire, but when they were swinging on that vine, Petrie was clinging onto Littlefoot's neck. (ding)
Petrie: And family he'll stay
(his beak opens really wide)
What's up with Petrie's mouth? (ding)
(Littlefoot, Cera, and Petrie finish a snow sculpture of Spike)
I don't think even Edward Scissorhands could have carved that snow sculpture that well. (ding)
(the stegosaurus herd slides down a snowy hill)
Stegosaurus leader: What is going on back...(gasps)
With commotion like that, you'd be reacting with more than just "What's going on back there?" (ding)
Cera: So if Ducky's gone after Spike, why don't we just tell her mom?
Littlefoot: I may be wrong. And there's no point in getting her all worried.
Yes, there's no point in her getting worried about her own daughter. (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: Am I correct in understanding that you're going into the Mysterious Beyond without your parents permission?
Cera: No.
Petrie: Yes.
Littlefoot: Maybe.
No, yes, maybe cliche. (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: Therefore, I'm coming with you.
I get now that the Gang of Five are oblivious to seeking help from adults, but wouldn't Mr. Thicknose think to get help from other Great Valley residents? (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: I'm not as young as I used to be.
You don't say? (ding)
The ice on Petrie's wings just fades into view. (ding)
Littlefoot: What's the matter with Petrie?
Cera: He's sure flying funny.
Mr. Thicknose: Gracious! There's frozen water on his wings!
How does an old guy like Mr. Thicknose see better than Littlefoot and Cera? (ding)
Oh NOW Petrie thinks to fly when he's falling. (ding)
(a strange, loud noise is heard before an avalanche)
Mr. Thicknose: What is that noise?
Oh sorry, I just love Mexican food. (ding)
Ducky: Spike! (her voice echoes) That is funny. A talkback.
Littlefoot and Ali not knowing what an echo was in Journey Through the Mists is believable compared to Ducky still not knowing eight movies in. (ding)
(a t-rex appears, and Littlefoot, Cera and Petrie scream and run following Ducky)
(the t-rex approaches Mr. Thicknose, but he continues to stand still)
I can't tell if that's actually a sharptooth. Little closer...little closer...
(the t-rex is less than five feet away from him when he starts running)
...yeah, that's a sharptooth alright! (ding)
(Petrie throws a miniscule snowball at the t-rex, which roars in response)
Yeah, like you give a f*ck about tiny snowballs. (ding)
(Mr. Thicknose notices the giant snowball made by Littlefoot and Cera rolling down the hill toward him)
Mr. Thicknose: (calmly) Oh, I see.
Let me just step out of the way, here. Nyeh. (ding)
Cera: How many times have you been to the Mysterious Beyond?
Mr. Thicknose: Counting this trip, once.
So did you just stay starving in the Great Valley during The Mysterious Island? They say you've been there longer than anyone else, so that would include when the swarm of locusts came in and ate everything. (ding)
Littlefoot: How could things get any worse?
(scene cuts to them in a blizzard)
Character asks how things could get worse and then they instantly manage to do so cliche. (ding)
(Spike hears Ducky calling his name)
How does Spike hear her in a blizzard? (ding)
Ducky's mom: Ducky!
Cera's dad: Cera!
Petrie's mom: Petrie!
Grandpa: Littlefoot!
Good f*cking grief! I think it goes without saying that the adults are looking for their children. (ding)
Everyone just jumps onto the ice after Mr. Thicknose and Littlefoot start sliding. (ding)
Petrie once again forgets that he can fly. (ding)
(the ice breaks, making them fall into the red water underneath)
Mr. Thicknose: My goodness, this is quite warm.
Excuse me, that's lava. (ding)
Also, how the f*ck does ice grow over hot red water? (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: To everyone but you
Mr. Thicknose sings one line before going into conversation with Littlefoot and then breaking into song again. (ding)
Also, was this subplot really all that necessary? Do the writers just feel that Littlefoot has to be involved in some major way in every movie? (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: Everyone wants to be the center of the circle
Who told Robert Guillaume that he could sing? (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: But everyone has their own importance
(as he sings this he imagines himself on top of a rock pillar, and then four more with Littlefoot, Cera, Ducky, and Petrie on them rise up to somewhere lower than the one he's on)
Mr. Thicknose imagines himself on a higher level of importance than the gang. (ding)
(Littlefoot and Cera run up the hill with the jaws of the t-rex just inches behind them)
We interrupt this prehistoric kids movie to bring you The Land Before Time. (ding)
Mr. Thicknose: He gave me just the boost I needed to make it to the top.
Littlefoot: Yeah! We made it!
You just noticed that? (ding)
Grandpa: Littlefoot!
Oh come on! You're still calling for him from inside the Great Valley? I think you can by now figure out that he ain't there. (ding)
(inside the Great Valley, Mr. Thicknose and the kids are heard calling)
Ducky's mom: That's funny. Sounds just like Ducky.
Oh yeah, that sounds like only Ducky. (ding)
Grandpa: And Littlefoot:
Yeah, that sounds like ONLY Littlefoot! (ding)
Also, if it sounds like them, consider the possibility that it might be them. (ding)
(after a scene transition)
Grandpa: You went where?
Ducky's mom: You did what?
Because that's how they'd react right? I actually really want to see what the previous few sentences were. (ding)
Cera: Wouldn't you rather listen while you *eat*?
Cera's dad: Did you say "Eat"?
No! Really? (ding)
Cera: The water's deeper there!
Ducky: Spike cannot swim!
I've seen Spike swim before. (ding)
Spike: Mama!
Spike has a far different voice than the one he used in Journey Through the Mists. (ding)
(Ducky's mom saves Spike from the deep water)
Was that scene just there to prove to Tippy's mom who Spike's mom really is? Because, I don't think she had any doubt who it really was. (ding)
Narrator: ...Where they could all get a good night sleep. Even Ducky.
Way to end on a high note. (ding)
Movie Sin Tally: 83
Bonus Round:
BRING ON THE SCREAMS!
+1
+1
+2
+1
+1
+1
+1
+2
+1
+2
+2
+2
+4
+1
+10 (Cera's single loud scream that clears the pass)
Movie Sin Tally: 115
Sentence: A LOWER LEVEL OF IMPORTANCE THAN THE PREVIOUS MOVIES