Aomine looks back to his relationship with Kise, from Teikou to present.
Kise is on the verge of crying.
Haha. Now, it feels like I'm bullying him yet again. Well, I do actually bully him, even back then. But for this moment, I gave him no hint of intimidation, not today – not this time.
Ah, speaking of back then, I remember the first time I saw him. He was all smile – a smile formed from countless interactions he didn't need. I can tell even from a distance that he lived in a world where everything was static. Everything was already within his grasps that there was nothing to look forward to. It was as if he was looking down on the world, on people. His eyes were bored at everything around him even to the things other might call amazing. Maybe it was because he can also do those amazing things. Or maybe it was because he never knew any challenge and the heat of excitement that came with it.
I didn't understand what that was all about so I just let him be. He was not a part of my world. I know him but he doesn't know me. And that was just about it.`
Then as if fate or whatever unknown circumstance was playing a bridge, he told me – or should I say, shouted – he wanted to join the basketball club. At first, I just saw him walking towards me with the thrown ball in hand. He even had this annoyed and distorted face because it hit him. What I didn't expect was by handing over that ball, he would be the stupid person to completely invade my life. When I left and went back to the court, I saw him follow. And as I made that dunk, in the corner of my eyes, I saw a face filled with anticipation and masked with expectation like a kid finding an over expensive toy.
Soon, he made it to the upper strings. He challenged me on a one on one and he played as if he's trying to grasp the way of the game. He was eager, a little bit irritated for losing but I knew he was enjoying the game. He whined but nonetheless kept challenging me, pushing himself to the limit. So at the back of mind I told myself, it's fun when playing with him. I wanted him to know how exciting a challenge can be. And as sweat slipped down his body in each game, his eyes became livelier. Those eyes which were always solely looking at me, spoke of how much he looks up to me. He was happy. He began chasing me. I was his reason for basketball but what was he to me?
Just what were you to me, Kise?
When playing together – every opportunity and chance – you never gave in, you never gave up. I get to see you. Your moves, your improvements, your will, your desire – I saw them all. I knew them and unconsciously, I sought them. That unconsciously I was captivated.
It was a given. You were always surrounded by people, always the name coming out of their lips. I was annoyed. Your smile, your laugh, your gestures, your touch, even your scent, I hated them all. I hated them when they were not meant for me. I hated that you showed them to other than me. But what pissed me off the most was because I didn't do anything. I couldn't because you weren't mine. Not yet. And as childish as I was – am – I wanted your attention. So I teased you. It was funny. Especially that face you made when I told you about your food looking like worms. Even with petty excuses like basketball practice or getting treated to ice cream, I wanted to be in the same space with you for awhile longer.
Did you even know that you asking for a one-on-one made my body listless? The mere sound of your voice was enough to make me forget everything around me. It's as if a spell made me hear and listen only to you. I'm glad you never abused it. I bet if you said 'kiss me', I would have picked you up off your feet and crashed our lips the mere slide of your skin against me was enough to stun me completely. It's as if you were slyly pulling on my soul so you could freely play with it. I'm glad you were never aware of it. I bet if you touch me just a bit longer I would have sank into your arms and let myself drown further. Then if those weren't enough, you bound me with your eyes. You were my gravity. You were a force I can never rebuff. A force I welcomed every time.
I wonder, when did I accept the admiration you had for me?
So you said that you looked and chased from the back. Well, you're an idiot. I am all the time looking at you. You weren't chasing me, I was chasing you. Each and every time I hoped to stare at those piercing golden eyes. I hoped to see all the feelings they upheld. But time after time, I was met with eyes clouded by fear and that professional smile I didn't even like. I never caught those piercing eyes yet I always felt them boring into me. Why was it that when I gaze at you, you turned away? Why were our eyes that obviously searched for each other never met?
Maybe I was bound by the word friend. You call me a silly nickname which you said you only give to certain people. It was supposed to be an upper hand right? I was supposed to be contented because I was not on the same level as the rest of the large crowd. Yet I wasn't. I wanted more. I craved for more. But then I started hurting myself and you because of my one baseless thought.
The only one who can beat me is me.
As our small world spins, the thought grew. Even if those words came out of my mouth, it chained me. It restrained me to the things I can never have – the basketball I can never play. So when that time came and we finally met again on the court, I was thrilled.
There, you told me, I know you best. A surge of relief flooded me. It wasn't a dream. They did happen. Everything I felt about you was real. Everything about you is real.
It's because you said you were chasing me. You said you were looking up to me. It was a notion I came to like. It made me too confident that you wouldn't leave me. That's why the thought of you getting tired of me was too much I didn't know what to do. I quit, was what you added. You were looking elsewhere. You were not supposed to quit. You started relying not only to yourself but to other people as well… to other people than me. You changed – for the better.
Yet even with the short time we were at that court, I wished it just went on forever. Everyone was non-existent. You and I were the only ones there. The crowd's cheers didn't reach my ears but your very breath was loud and clear. My eyes saw only you, focused only at you.
But it ended. The buzzer rang and the reverie broke. And as I see you clench your hand and throw it down to the floor. How I wanted to just grab you like those countless time when we were training, when we were playing one-on-one. Hand you over a drink and replenish ourselves and plan on when to play again. I was to pick you up so you could sulk for awhile and tell me that next time you'll surely win and with that you'll greet me with a genuine smile. We should have been laughing. But it didn't happen.
That's because I'm not strong enough so I lost. How funny. When those words left your lips, I thought, those words should have been mine. It may not have been on the court but it held a hidden truth I tried to deny. That I'm not strong enough so I lost you. And for the second time, I turned my back against you.
Time should have blurred the memories of when we were together. It should have erased some of them as well. But whenever I close my eyes the scenes are so vivid that I see myself drowning as the feelings float. They're fresh as if they are reoccurring every day. That's why I was glad that even after our Teikou days, our unsaid rendezvous remained the same. That every end of the month, on the convenience store where we celebrated your climb to the first string, we would buy ice cream and sit side by side. We always went there after we played one-on-one back then but now, we go there just to figure out what is it between us.
And today, months after my game with you and days after my game with Seirin. We are here at the same place again. We don't talk. We don't even look at each other. Just a silent comfort that we both want to hold on. Why do we stay soundless even though both of us have so much to talk about? Why settle for the comfortable silent when we can talk so finally we can understand what is it with us?
I don't know what was with me. I can't even point out why the distance between us stretched. But now, timidity, arrogance and even pride, I don't need any of them. I'll talk. I want to know. I want to acknowledge. I want to understand and confirm this certain something.
'Let's go.' I say as I get up our seat. I know you could hear me. You flinch but made no further move to follow. 'Kise.' I added with too much longing and emphasis than I originally wanted.
Hesitantly, you stand up and trail behind me. We leave the store and I pace my walk so that I can be beside you. It feels nostalgic and welcomed but at the same time new and maddening. Our footsteps echo in my ears and when we arrive at our destination, I put my bag down to pick up the ball inside it. As the ball dribbles familiarly on the ground, I see your contained excitement falter with uncertainty.
I walk towards the court and I see you putting you bag down as well, ready to play with me. But I face you and tell you, you are to watch the bags not play. I say that because it's just me hiding the fact that I don't know how to be in the same court with you – how to be with you again. The court became the reminder that I hurt you. I hurt you, Kise, using the basketball we both love in the court where my hands never reached you. I saw your strained smile, unsure of what to think of my invitation then dismissal. Then as if to immerse myself on the thought, contemplating on how I should go on, I begin to play.
Where do I start? My mind's a mess. What to tell him? Why did you follow me? Why did you still come with me here at the court? What a lame opening for a conversation. Then a more truthful approach? Tell you that it's my fault your knee hurts. It's me that refused to help you when you needed me most. I was the one who called you weak and stepped on your game play. I can't tell you I didn't mean them. It's hard to say it when it came from my own mouth, my own actions. But it's even harder to say I want to be closer when I'm the reason for your pain. Ah, I want those to just disappear. The pain in my chest and the pain I caused you, I want them all to disappear, but at the same time I want them to remain. Disappear because it's heavy and it hurts. Remain because it's a constant remainder to not hurt you the same way again.
Damn it! I may know all the rules in basketball but I can never grasp how the world plays out.
With that, I let go of the ball as it goes in the basket. It soon reaches the ground and in just one bounce, I saw your figure grab the ball and you make for a score. Instinctively, my body reacts and successfully steals the ball from you. With what seems the most natural thing to do aside from breathing, our play then starts.
Hahaha! How stupid. Why am I getting excited over this? It's as if I just finished a thousand-piece jigsaw puzzle. Everything is locking in their place. Everything is overwhelming. The graze of the wind seems different. The catching of breathes is music. For a time I feel as if I'm in the most natural state of being. But in an instant of the engulfing happiness I feel, I see you stumble to the ground.
An indistinct repeat of the past.
It's enough. This time, I know what to do. This time, I'll reach you. I want to hold you. I want my body to feel alive for it was bereft of your warmth. I'll hold out my hands, ready to seize the worn-out you anytime. I don't know if you'll accept me. I don't know if you really want my hand. I don't even know what your decision would be but this hand that never tried to hold you even once won't let go of another chance. I won't hesitate. Never again.
'Thanks Aominecchi. Thank you.'
Am I really seeing this? Do I hear that right? Do I feel this right? This isn't merely a dreamy state of mine, is it? If it is then wake me up now. As much as I want this, I'll be crushed if this is nothing but an illusion of my wanted reality. The thought of you still grabbing my hand to help you up. The thought of our hands clasp together. I can see it. I hear you talk to me. I can feel you on my skin. It's you. You're in my grasp. So before this if-trance vanishes, I'll pull you up. I pull you up.
'Thank you, Aominecchi'. I hear you say it again. What the heck are you saying? Why say this? 'Thank you.' I hear a familiar soft sob. 'Thank you.' You chant the words over and over.
I see your fingers intertwine with mine. For a moment, I feel the surging emotion I always feel when I'm with you intensify. You're always like this Kise. You're always slithering your way to me. You're still accepting me even after all I've not done? When will you realize? When you're with me you're always straining yourself. You're always in pain as long as I'm here. Like that time at the school festival, you didn't complain that you were tired and your legs were weary from trying to keep up with me. I'm not saying again that you're weak. It's because you're too strong. You're too stubborn. And it's because it's me. I can't tell you I won't hurt you again. I can't even tell you you'll be happy with me but I am confident of the feelings flooding my very senses.
Everything is amplified. I can hear my heart beat thumping loudly. My skin is sensitive to your touch. My eyes are only directed at you. Everything is about you. Even the hand that connects us I dare not part. I can understand that neither of us wants to let go. I lost you, Kise, but I won't let it happen again. I know the feeling of running around in circles but never actually running towards the one I want. Is it all right? I want to feel your radiating heat. I want you safely tucked in my arms. I want you protected. And like a seal for my resolution I wrapped my free arm carefully around you.
No one told me how hard this could be. How messy the world is. How hard life can be. How deceitful my feeling for you is. Well, truth be told I don't expect to understand the nook and cranny of all this. What I know is I don't want you to leave my side. I don't want to leave your side again. 'So I'm sorry if it hurt.' I'm sorry it was so complicated. I'm sorry I turned my back at you. I'm sorry I didn't grab your hand. I'm sorry I didn't hold you sooner in my arms.
'But please stay with me.'
Look at me again. Look only at me.
You tremble in my arms. You rest your head on my shoulder. You release my hand so you can circle your arms around me. You quietly sob in front of me.
It's all right. I know you're not the type who easily cries. Because there were times when being beside me makes you want to burst. But you don't, because you're proud that way. That's why right now, I'm beyond happy – ecstatic even. You, a proud idiot who cares for his image, ripped your defenses. You laid them in front of me so I can see the raw you. Just you.
I feel the wet patch on my shoulders. You are strong after all. You've been strong and you keep growing stronger.I guess tears are to be expected. After all, not all tears are sad, some just flows because of emotions finally finding its way out. I'm glad it did. But I know this is just the beginning. There's more to come – more to feel.
Slowly, I give us the smallest distance so my finger can raise your chin. Finally I see it. Finally I feel it. Your eyes that searched for mine are staring straight at me. The touch I always craved is within my arms. The person I've always loved is within my reach.
I saw you cry before and I hope to not encounter them again. Ah, but since you're crying for a different reason, I'm all right with it. That's why this time, I won't let go. This time, I'll bring my lips to your tear-stained cheeks. This time, I'll tell you the words that were far too long kept inside.
Kise, be mine.
Thank you for reading, if you read this far~! this is my first aoki fic in so uh, "is it worth posting here" - is what i thought. anyway, please tell me what you think orz
haha! I'm not updated to knb manga, I stopped at around kaijou vs. seirin~ and uh, i know the manga is at teikou arc right now so if there's some inconsistencies, forgive me. just think of it like an AU or something. that aside, thank you again for reading. This is like version 2 of the one i posted at tumblr. ugh, i just have so many aoki feels last night I wanted to revise this. and maybe get started on the kise version, but that's still a debate on my mind.
yashirin 13.06.30