An Unbridgeable Distance

DISCLAIMER: I have no claims to "Sense and Sensibility", whether it is Miss Austen's charming novel or the lovely 2008 BBC miniseries.

NOTE: Happy Valentine's Day!

Here is a short one-shot on my favorite couple in "Sense and Sensibility", Edward and Elinor. People seem to write so much for Colonel Brandon and Marianne so I thought I'd contribute to the limited number of stories for E/E. As much as I enjoyed the 1995 film, I never really warmed to Hugh Grant's Edward. But when Dan Stevens played Edward in 2008, I genuinely fell in love and kept rooting for him and Elinor.

This piece is set during the scene in the third episode when Elinor tells him that Colonel Brandon is offering him a living. I love that scene. There is so much left unsaid in it and so much conveyed by their facial expressions.

This one-shot was written from Edward's perspective since we usually see the point of view of the heroines anyway. Not a very fluffy one for Valentine's Day but this still tries to illustrate the strong but suppressed feelings of the two.

This is my first time writing for "Sense and Sensibility" so I hope you will excuse any errors I might have made.

I hope you enjoy this little piece.

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"Every time we have met, it has seemed impossible to say what I really think and feel," Edward said gravely.

He hoped that somehow Elinor would read between the lines and hear the words he could not say, the powerful feelings he could not possibly express. They were alone in the room and stood face to face and yet there were insurmountable obstacles that stood between them and obliged them to keep their true feelings in check.

This was probably the last chance he had to speak to her in spite of the constraints and he wanted to make the most of it.

"Yes," Elinor replied simply.

But he saw in her eyes that she understood all and she accepted it. Yet that was no comfort to him because he had confirmation of her suffering – suffering he alone had caused.

"And now, more than ever," he continued, trying to convey all he felt in what little words he was still allowed to utter.

"Yes," Elinor said again, but her tone suggested so much more. There was so much between them that they could not express and yet they both silently knew each other's thoughts.

This had always been the way with them and this would be as far as they could get ever get. His circumstances prevented anything else from coming about.

They were both bound to futures of unhappiness. But what pained Edward most was knowing that he had dragged Miss Dashwood, dearest Elinor, into this world of misery.

It was only fair that he pay for the foolish decisions of his past but for her to be punished as well was a grave injustice. And yet, there was nothing else he could do now.

Part of him had always hoped that his affection for her was one-sided, if only to spare her from the sting of separation. But he knew and he saw that she had loved him too and there was no way to ease the blow.

And yet, in spite the suffering he had caused her, she still offered her help to him in his moment of need. For he was sure that Colonel Brandon would not have known of his "merit" had Miss Dashwood not vouched for him. Even if it meant being divided from him forever, she would still try and help him.

"Why do you not think badly of me?" he asked in amazement.

What did I ever do to deserve such kindness? he added silently.

And to be treated so generously particularly by you, who have every right to despise me.

"You never deceived me," she replied earnestly, "And when I heard…"

At this she paused and he looked at her in concern because that pause seemed to echo all the regret and heartbreak that she was trying so bravely to conceal. He could not possibly imagine how it must have felt for her to be informed of his relation to Lucy and he fervently wished that he could undo the past, not to enable his own happiness but to spare her any more hardship in life.

"When I was told of your engagement, everything became clear," she continued, "You have done nothing wrong."

Only you would find a way to redeem me, he thought, looking down in shame, you think me a much better man than I am.

"I wouldn't think so highly of you if you had acted differently," she said earnestly.

He looked up at her with wide eyes. He could hardly believe it. In spite of all he had done, she still thought well of him. At this point he felt that he did not even deserve her attention.

"Thank you," he said, from the bottom of his heart.

This is more than I expected, he thought, and so much more than I deserve.

He opened his mouth to try and say something further and she looked at him expectantly. But there was nothing more to say. Nothing more he could say to make things better.

It was torture to be so close to her and yet be unable to express his true feelings. His heart's desire was standing before him and yet there remained an unbridgeable distance between them. After all that had happened, it was impossible to cross.

He looked at her tenderly and she returned his gaze steadily. Even after anticipating this for so long, the sting of separation remained as potent as ever. But this was a torment he would have to bear.

"Goodbye," he managed to say.

And with a sad smile and a lingering glance at the woman he loved, he took his leave. There was no point in prolonging the agony. There was no turning back now. He persuaded himself to walk forward and not to look back because he knew that if he stole one more glance at her, his resolve might falter and there was no telling what dire complications would ensue from another foolish decision.

She was lost to him forever. And he had no one else to blame but himself.

Perhaps it was for the best, Edward tried to console himself. He would keep his promise to Lucy, because all he had now was his honor. More importantly, he wanted to maintain Elinor's good opinion of him though he felt completely unworthy of it. The man she esteemed was a man of honor and integrity and he would spend the rest of his life trying to live up to this ideal. He would do his duty by the girl he had promised but he could never ever give her his heart.

As far as Edward Ferrars was concerned, he would never truly love anyone as much as he loved Elinor Dashwood. He would cherish her memory forever since that was all he would be allowed to keep.

I wish you all the happiness in the world, my dearest Miss Dashwood, he thought, you are the most deserving person I know and life has been unkind enough to you. I fervently hope that this will be the last loss you will ever have to endure.