Warnings: I don't own Glee or any of the characters or any of the songs I may use. This will include lesbian sex. Finn bashing. Cursing. Angst.
We were together; really truly together, I mean, Rachel still didn't have any plans to shout it through the halls of McKinley, even though anyone with half a brain had already guessed at it, actually that might have been why. Once again, she was protecting Frankenteen, but I let it go. I was too happy to care. I was back in Glee, talking to my friends again, and I should have minded it more, but I didn't even care when freshmen looked in the eye now.
There were, of course, the times that it felt so unreal. I, Santana Lopez, was dating Rachel Berry, who was once the object of my aversion. I couldn't believe I could be so happy with someone who hasn't Brittany. I'd fallen in love with her and, for a time, I thought she could be falling in love with me.
Something that, as expected, came with the territory of dating Rachel was the musicals. Every other weekend, I'd go to her house and we'd always end up watching at least one. They weren't all as bad as I'd expected, but I wouldn't admit that to her. Somehow, in the days after some, if she didn't call me on it, I'd catch myself humming one or singing another in the shower; could I really be blamed if A Spoonful of Sugar and Popular are so catchy?
If any of those stood out to me it was one in particular. Rachel and I were lying in her bed, her obnoxiously comfortable comforter pulled up to my shoulder as I rested my head on her chest, and her laptop on her lap. I wanted to ask what she was doing with it rather than playing the movie on her television but she pulled up YouTube. I watched her type in the title and open up something labeled scene 1 act 1.
"I'm almost positive that's illegal," I pointed out.
"It is," she nodded, "But I have no clue when this production is coming here and it's one I've particularly wanted to watch with you. I hope you don't mind the bad quality but I believe it's one you may quite enjoy as well."
Rachel had grown used to my incessant questions during the shows but at the price of her restarting a scene every time, "She kind of looks like you," I pointed out, "That Wendla chick."
She scoffed, obviously I was an amazing influence, "I'd kill to be her."
"It'd be a downgrade, if you ask me," I shrugged before focusing on the screen again.
I knew she was smiling as her fingers traced soft patterns on my back.
I did actually kind of like the play. I could sort of understand where Rachel was going when she said that, especially when it came time for Wendla and Melchior to hook up, even if she didn't appreciate me phrasing it that way. She really didn't appreciate my opinions on being taken by Melchior on a swinging stage, but her blush gave me plenty of other ideas to toy with. Even at the end, I had to assure her I wasn't crying, I mean damn, it was sad, and my eyes might have been a little glossy, but even in the face of a crazy depressing play like that, Santana Lopez, did not cry; at least not while sober.
As usual, I found myself humming and singing the songs. The Dark I know Well made me uncomfortable, The Bitch of Living made me laugh my ass off, and Those You've Known made me tear up a bit. Rachel seemed to like that I enjoyed her plays, even if I wouldn't admit it, and silently I had to add that to the mental scoreboard I had going between Finnept and I. It was childish, I'll admit, but fuck if it didn't feel good to know that I made her happy in a way that he didn't have the mental capacity too.
It was about a month before the next time I could go to Rachel's house for our usual movie day. Apparently her fathers had decided to do some actual parenting and spend time with her, so that left me out in the gutter until they fell back into their usual habits of leaving her behind for their out of town trips and she invited me over. It started like our usual movie night. I followed her to her room and when she left to go handle something I kicked off my shoes and stacked them by the door. I pulled off my coat and threw it over the back of her desk chair and then I fell into her bed.
Usually, when Rachel had to handle something she was quick about it, something about wanting to be a good hostess. That night she was taking a lot longer. I didn't bother turning on the television as Rachel usually had it on some educational channel. I was getting bored and a little worried when I swung my feet back over the side of the bed, getting ready to go check on Rachel. The door slipped open slightly and I saw what looked like it shouldn't have taken Rachel nearly as long as it had. I hadn't paid too much attention to the natural curl of her hair that night, I'd gotten used to the lax nature she took up at home, but now they drew attention to lightly glossed lips and darkly made up eyes. The running shorts and t-shirt she'd answered the door in could hardly compare to the pink and black negligee she wore then. One arm crossed her chest, gripping her arm slightly as she looked to me for any reaction.
I fell through. Really, I just sat and stared at the shy girl before me. I wasn't entirely sure what else I could do. She kept her arm across her chest while her other hand reached down, tugging on the hem of the dress anxiously. I gaped a bit as I realized it only just barely brushed the tops of her thighs. Finally, tired of watching me gape at her, she reached to her side, turning on her iPod to a song I recognized. The music flooded the room as she approached me, still looking nervous.
"Just too unreal, all this
Watching the words fall from my lips"
Baiting some girl with hypotheses"
She was biting her lip nervously as she stood before me, smudging her lip gloss. The hand not covering her chest came up to my jaw gently as she leaned down and pressed her lips to mine.
"Haven't you heard the word of your body?
Don't feel a thing, you wish
Grasping at pearls with my fingertips
Holding her hand like some little tease"
My mind grew lucid as I realized I should be doing something. I reached up to take the hand over her chest down, revealing the dip into her cleavage she'd been hiding. I tugged her closer, letting the hand on my jaw slip back until it ran gently through my hair, her tongue exploring my mouth.
"Haven't you heard the word of my wanting?
Oh, I'm gonna be wounded
Oh, I'm gonna be your wound
Oh, I'm gonna bruise you
Oh, you're gonna be my bruise
Just too unreal, all this…"
I reached around her, one hand settling in the dip of her back while the other ventured farther down, carefully gripping the tender flesh I found and drawing a small moan from her mouth and into mine. My eyes slipped closed, as hers had been, as she urged me farther back onto the bed.
"Watching his world slip through my fist
Playing with her in your fantasies
Haven't you heard the word – how I want you?"
"Oh, I'm gonna be wounded
Oh, I'm gonna be your wound
Oh, I'm gonna bruise you
Oh, you're gonna be my bruise."
She crawled up my body as I settled on the pillows at the head of her bed and melted perfectly against me. I hadn't meant to urge her on, but as I squeezed her ass again her hips rocked forward, pushing into my core. I fully expected her to pull back, but as I waited for the apology and explanation of why we couldn't go further, she repeated the motion, finding she enjoyed my reaction. I wanted to go on, to let her keep up the experimental thrusts that brought her hips against me, searching for the moans she sought from me, but I started to worry.
"Rach," I panted as I pulled back slightly.
She didn't stop, her lips brushing down my jaw and neck until they connected with a found she'd found to be sensitive enough for her liking on one of our many short-lived trysts.
"Baby," I moaned, bringing my hand to her jaw to push back slightly.
"Yes, Santana?" she panted, forcing her eyes up from my neck. I was met with blackness and could read nothing but lust in them.
I wasn't sure what to say, up until that point, Rachel had been so restrained; reminding me of her choice to wait until she found love. I'd been patient, in the hope that maybe, even if I had to wait for it, I might be the one to earn that.
Her nerves returned as she pulled back, sitting on her heels with her arms crossing her chest, "I did this all wrong didn't I? You don't want this." She rushed off of the bed to shut off her iPod.
I gaped at her for a moment before following, pulling her into my arms as I kissed her temple, "No, Rach, I promise you did everything amazingly," I kissed down to her cheek before cupping her cheek to place a tender kiss to her lips, sighing as she relaxed into it, "I just thought…" I trailed off, my own nerves making an appearance.
"Thought what?" She looked up to me worriedly, big innocent eyes full of insecurity.
I licked my lips, "I thought you wanted to wait until you were in love."
She let her eyes fall for a moment and when I caught them again something else was there, but the small smile she gave left me no time to decipher it.
The grin, almost ear to ear, wasn't anywhere near enough to express how happy I was. Rachel loved me, she was in love with me and here she was, willing to give me something so special. I knew my eyes were glistening and I reached up to wipe them before any tears could fall. "I love you, Rachel," I said as I pulled her delicately to the bed.
She didn't respond, just kept that small smile as our lips met again and her hands came to the buttons of my jeans. She pushed them down hesitantly, her fingers brushing uncertainly over my thighs. I sat back on the bed, pulling off my shirt as I slid back to the top of the bed. She moved between my legs and back up my body, her fingers slipping into my hair as our kisses deepened; her tongue brushing mine and our teeth meeting fiercely a few times. I arched my back into her touch for a moment as I slid my arms around her waist before rolling us over. She moaned into my mouth as I slipped between her legs instead, mimicking the motion she'd seemed to enjoy using on me. The sounds she made were delicious and as I saw that her negligee was slipping up her thighs, a little more of the girl that everyone knew came back to me. It was like my body remembered this; after so long without, this was like riding a bike.
I reached down to push the silky material up her thighs before pulling her against me as I brought it up over her chest and finally her head. I couldn't help but gasp at the wonderland exposed to me. Perfect tan skin convened at dark peaks atop tender mounds. I looked to her for permission, enjoying the slightly flustered state she was already in and the blush already coating her face, neck, and chest. She nodded her assent and I laid her back, my mouth seeking the soft skin before me. She must not have been expecting it, judging by the slight squeak that became a moan. I copied the motions of my tongue with my fingers on her other nipple, lavishing attention on each breast as well as I could. Her hips bucked softly and I settled down against her. I began kissing down her body slowly, hesitating as I reached the hem of the panties to match her discarded sleepwear. I looked for her acquiescence once more, and at the nod I tugged them down. My mouth watered at the sight before me.
Rachel's body laid out before me, waiting to be ravished by me, was something I had only hoped for, and not nearly at the time that it had been. I could only stare blankly, my eyes traversing the landscape that was her body; the curves of her hips, the hills and valley of her chest, and the fork in the road that was her thighs. Once more, her nerves got the best of her and she shifted uncomfortably as under my gaze, moving to cover herself. I only grabbed her hands, pinning them lazily over her head as I pressed into her body again, kissing her slowly, passionately, for a moment.
"Rach," I moaned.
"I want this San, I promise," she assured again.
"No," I shook my head, "I just- thank you."
She blushed slightly but nodded.
"I just wish that I could give you the same," I mumbled honestly, almost whispering.
That look was back in her eyes but I couldn't quite name it, "You've given me so much, San."
"No," I shook my head once more, before clarifying, "I wish- I wish you could have been my first too. I wish I could give you that."
She gulped slightly, but pulled her smile back on, "I'm happy like this, with you." There was something about the way she said it, it was odd, but Rachel didn't break character.
I smiled and kissed her gently, finally bringing my hand up, fingers meeting soft curls, not a lot, but enough to reveal the virtuousness of our union. I was met with a silky heat as I passed her slit, finding the gentle node I sought easily. The moans I'd heard early couldn't be compared to the silent exhales that came, pouty lips forming small Os as I experimented, finding what made the girl below me more and more ready. When her kisses became needier and ready for more I reciprocated with apologies; my kisses growing gentler as I circled her entrance. I slipped in slowly, guilt welling up as she winced. My own moan couldn't be fought as I felt my finger engulfed in her, settling as I waited for her to relax past the ache.
A slight nod past tightly shut eyes urged me on. At first she was still tense but I could tell when the pleasure began to outweigh the pain. The roll of her hips met my slow thrusts. She was still adjusting to the sensation of being filled but her urges of "faster," didn't fall on deaf ears. I pressed into her faster, enjoying each gasp, pant, and moan. My finger brushed a rough spot and the shudder she released made me stutter in the pattern of my thrusts. When I found it again I began looking for that spot, pressing it with each thrust back in. She was so close, I could tell by the tightening of her walls on my finger. I was panting myself when I brought my thumb to her clit, sending her over the edge.
Except, I was the one who was falling when she yelled, "Oh Finn."
I was still inside of her. I was still fucking inside of Rachel Berry when she came yelling her ex-boyfriend's name. Her pleasure was dripping into my palm and a little blood coated my finger, and all I could do was gape at her. I didn't move a muscle, just watched as she came down from her slight high, wondering if she'd really done that or if my imagination were cruel enough to do that to me. I got my answer when she looked up to me, her small smile fading to a frown as realization crossed her face. She'd said his fucking name while I was still fucking inside of her.
"Santana," she gasped, holding me to her, not wanting to let me go, knowing I'd leave, "I'm so sorry. I didn't mean to."
I shook my head, trying to pull away, "Of course you fucking meant to. You were thinking of him. You let me fuck you while you thought of him."
"I wasn't I swear, I just…" there was nothing she could say to make that situation better.
"I love you Rachel," I finally pushed her off of me, sitting back on my heels, "I fucking love you but you don't care," she tried to say something but I shook my head violently, "I thought you fucking loved me too."
"I want to Santana, I want to love you as much as you love me," she promised, trying to latch onto me again but I shrugged her off.
"He doesn't love you," I grimaced, "And you're so hung up on him that you can't even give enough of a fuck about me not to just use me."
She brought her hand up to her mouth to catch her sob.
"Why couldn't you just fuck him? It's all he wants anyway," I stood up, picking up my jeans.
She waited until she knew another sob wouldn't slip out, "He wouldn't be as passionate."
I saw red as she said that, my heart racing off beat as it broke so thoroughly, "Passion."
"You wanted me, San, so badly, and I wanted that, to be wanted," she mumbled silently into the knees she'd pulled up to her chest.
I don't remember it happening. It all just came to me in pieces, probably not even in the right order. My hand felt warm and sore and then I heard the sound of skin connecting with skin. Her cheek was red as she stayed facing away from me. Her eyes were wide and she had begun shaking. "I loved you," I growled stepping to the bed, "I fucking loved you. I thought we did this," I waved across the bed, "Because you loved me to."
"I want to San," she cried, still not looking at me, "I want so badly to love you but I can't. I thought this would make me, but-" she sobbed hard, tears slipping down her cheeks, "I just feel like- like- shit!"
"You should," I assured.
"I do," she nodded. Trying to catch tears with the back of her hands, "I'm so sorry. I shouldn't have done this."
I pulled on my jeans and searched for my shirt. I was pulling it on when I felt her press against me again.
She was clutching at me tightly, her tears soaking through my shirt again, "Please let me try," she begged, working past the tears in her voice, "I can try to love you, San. I know I messed up, and I don't deserve it, but you want me, you l-love me, and I want that. I want you. I want to fall in love with you."