Teenage Angst: A Ginny Weasley Story
June 24th
We have been back from Hogwarts for over a week now and
Harry still hasn't owled me! It's driving me crazy! I'm hoping that
he can see that we are meant to be together. That's why I can't wait
until he comes to stay with us at the Burrow for the remainder of the
summer. I need to tell him that we just need to be together. I won't
accept the excuse of him needing to beat You-Know-Who by himself. I
am brave. And, between you and I, Harry is worth dying for!
Yes, I
know I am crazy... Crazy in love!
July 25th
STILL NO OWL BACK FROM HARRY! Why is he ignoring my owls??? Wait... I sure hope Errol Didn't DIE on the journey... I'm sure he didn't. Well, at least I HOPE he didn't. I think I'm going to go crazy without him...
July 25th
Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter
Mrs. Ginny Potter
Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny
Potter
Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter
July 26th
FINALLY! An owl back from Harry! I was beginning to worry. He asks when he can come. I'm going to say right away tomorrow! I sure hope Errol can fly fast... Otherwise Harry will just have to pack when we get there. Being a little unprepared never hurt anybody... Boy, do I ever miss him!
July 26th
GRR!!! My mum makes me so mad sometimes. She says we have to wait to pick Harry up until he knows what is going on. Is she really that blind?! Does she not see the deep love that I have for Harry? Can she not see how much she's going to kill me inside having to wait another day to see him when we could be picking him up now?! ARGH! I'm not speaking to mum for the rest of the night. Maybe then she'll get a clue.
July 26th
I can't sleep. I keep thinking about Harry. I worry about
him... You-Know-Who is after him, along with all of his death eaters.
What if he doesn't live to kiss me again?! I would die without
Harry's tender kisses! I sure hope Harry likes my snogging ability as
well... Maybe that will draw him to me, he'll want to snog me more.
GRR!!! I musn't think this way! HARRY WILL NOT DIE! AND HARRY DOES
NOT JUST LIKE ME FOR MY TENDER KISSES! HE LIKES ME FOR WHO I AM! I
just need to remember those wise words... Okay, I'm going to attempt
to sleep again.
July 26th
Damn... Still can't sleep! I think I would sleep much better with Harry by my side. Hopefully Harry will reply really soon and we can get him and I can have him sleep by my side! I think I would have to sneak him in my room, though. I don't think mum and dad trust me with a boy in my room. Parents... Ugh. Oh well, it makes it all the more fun... Harry, you're sneaking in with me, whether you like it or not!
July 27th
Finally got some much needed sleep. Though, I didn't get much. It was four in the morning before I drifted off, then the next thing I knew mum was in my room shaking me awake, telling me I needed to feed the chickens. I tried to tell her that they can dig up worms and live, and I was to tired... So I pulled the blankets over my head again. She pulled them back off and forced me out of that door. So, I'm falling asleep as I write this. I think I'll take a nap.
July 27th
ACK!! Still haven't heard from Harry!
July 27th
Errol has got to be the oldest, slowest bloody owl in all of Britain! I bet you Harry's owl, Hedwig, could get the job done quickly. Errol, on the other hand, takes a century! Ron won't let me use Pigwidgeon. He's always too busy owling Hermione with him. Kissy-kissy! Why does Ron get to talk to his love everyday when I'm going DAYS without speaking to mine?! It drives me crazy! Oh well, maybe when Errol gets back, IF Errol gets back, I'll switch owls with him...
July 27th
Dog tired tonight. It must be from lack of sleep and those damn chickens. I think I'm going to sleep right after dinner, which is always really LATE because Dad works so late. And us Weasleys ALWAYS have to wait for Dad. I think I'm going to fall asleep in my pudding tonight. Yawn...
July 28th
I
got some sleep! I'm so happy! I feel so alive! I feel ready to snog
Harry all night long! Speaking of which... ERROL STILL ISN'T BACK
WITH HARRY'S RESPONSE!!!
I am seriously beginning to think that
Errol died on the journey. Mum and dad need to realize that we need
to spend a few Galleons on a new, healthy owl that you don't have to
worry will have a heart attack on the journey. Well, it's worthless
trying to tell my parents that. They all feel so sorry for Errol.
They should just put him out of his misery.
July
28th
I worked my butt off degnoming the garden. After lunch mum
made me get those dragon hide gloves on and degnome away. She picked
the hottest day that she possibly could. Now I'm all sweaty and
gross. I need to take a shower. I think I'm going to go do that
now...
July 28th
Damn... I was too slow. Ron beat me to the shower. He was degnoming with me. I worked much harder than Ron did! He sat on his lazy behind most of the time. I wanted to kick him. I should have gotten shower privileges first! Well, this is the first time you'll hear me say this, but I'm really glad Harry can't see me right now. I'm disgusting from working outside in the sweltering heat, and I look horrible. Nevertheless, I still miss him and love him to pieces!
July 28th
I feel better now. I
wish that Harry was here. He could smell my hair. I used my
strawberry patch shampoo. Harry will love it. If only he were here.
If only Errol would get Harry's response back to me!
If Harry
doesn't get here soon I'm going to die of a broken heart. Life
without my Harry is just pointless! I feel so empty inside without
him!
July 29th
DAMN YOU ERROL! Now I'm really worried about Harry. The Daily Prophet just came and stories of raging mad Death Eaters are killing lots of people. Including muggles. I know Harry lives with those muggles! I need to hear from Harry! I need to see Harry! I need to snog Harry! I'm going crazy without you, Harry. If only you could see that...
July 29th
I had to go with Mum to Diagon Alley to pick up my dress for Bill and Fleur's wedding. I'm one of Fleur's bridesmaids. Ugh. I don't want her to be my sister-in-law! It's going to drive me insane! I wonder if Ron's going to be happy that in a few years, Harry is going to be his brother-in-law... Hmm... Oh well. I don't care what that git thinks about anything. I know I'm going to marry Harry. It's destiny!
July 30th
YES! Errol finally came back with Harry's response! We're picking him up TONIGHT! Just in time. Harry's birthday is tomorrow. When I was in Diagon Alley I managed to pick up a little something for Harry. Hermione is coming tonight as well. Ron's estatic. I wonder if he thinks he's going to get some serious snogging in with Hermione tonight... Or maybe even a little something more... Ugh! I don't want to think of that. All that matters is that Harry will be here in seven hours time! He's going to have a great birthday! I'll make sure of it! We are so getting back together tonight. I know it!
July 30th
I am wrapping Harry's present
up very specially. I bought him a watch that not only tells time, but
allows you to send messages to the person with the other watch.
Naturally, I have the other. When he opens it and looks down at the
watch, it's going to say, "I love you!" Love, Ginny. It's
perfect! I'm so excited!
July 30th
Only six more hours till Harry's here!
July 30th
Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs.
Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter
Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter
Mrs. Ginny Potter
Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny
Potter
Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter
July 30th
Only five more hours!!!
July 30th
I love Harry James Potter! Only four more hours!
July 30th
Only 3 and a half more hours!
July 30th
Only 2 hours!
July 30th
Oh my God! Harry's going to be here in an hour! I must change!
July 30th
OH MY GOD! HARRY'S HERE! I hope I look okay! I hope when I snog Harry my make-up doesn't smear. What the hell am I doing? Writing in my diary instead of running to Harry?
July 30th
I think I've died and went to heaven. Harry and I are together once more. It took some time, (and some snogging) to get Harry to see that I love him more than anything and that I just couldn't live without him. He admitted that he felt very empty without me, and that he missed me just as much as I missed him. I think I will remember the events of this night perfectly... After we had our little chat and got back together, Harry and I went hand and hand down to the little pond and sat at the edge and watched the fireflies glow and the moon was shining so brightly. Harry told me he wanted to be with me the rest of his life. He told me that I am the only thing that keeps him happy. Wow. Then, under the moonlight, and around all the fireflies. We kissed. It was amazing. I could never forget that. It felt like our first kiss. It was the most romantic thing I have ever experienced. Then, we went inside. Harry's probably sleeping peacefully, and I'm in here, writing in my diary, about how amazing my night with him was. Now, I can only imagine how wonderful the rest of my life will be with him. I'm going to sleep now. I'm going to have wonderful dreams!
July 31st
Today is
Harry's Birthday! I can't wait to give him his gift! I know he's not
awake yet, so I can't give it to him yet. Though, I am beginning to
lose patience. It is six in the morning. I am going to give Harry
more than that watch for his birthday! He's going to like that!
Another night by the pond, hopefully! Ohh! I hope it will be as
romantic as last night, if not more!
I hope I'm not sounding too
selfish. It is Harry's birthday, after all.
July 31st
Come on Harry! Wake up already!!!
July 31
Well, I found people awake... And boy are they ever awake! I walked into the laundry room to get a clean outfit, and there is my git of a brother Ron, and Hermione, making out like crazy, raging hormone teenagers. I mean, it wasn't just making out! Ron's hands were up Hermione's shirt, and I really don't want to know what he was doing... AHH! Did not need to see that! Bad pictures!
July 31st
Harry FINALLY woke up! I told him about Ron and Hermione in the laundry room. He couldn't stop laughing. Then, he made me smile by saying, that sounds like fun... Might have to try that sometime! Hee hee! Ron and Hermione, watch out! That laundry room is reserved for us!
July 31st
Harry LOVED his birthday present from me. He said it's perfect for communicating with me. A few minutes ago, he sent me a message on my watch... It was so sweet! It said... "I will always love you...as much as I can spare." I thought that was so cute! He used that answer he always gives me when I ask how much he loves me! AWW! The day isn't over yet, though! Me and Harry still have that laundry room reserved tonight!
August
1st
Ohh! Harry sure knows how to heh-hem... "charm" me.
We went into that laundry room at about one o' clock in the morning.
We had to reserve it then because we had to make sure no one else was
awake. Me and Harry reserve it for late at night, and Ron and
Hermione reserve it for early in the morning. Let me just say that
Harry is everything I dreamed of and more! It was amazing! I can't
wait to do that again tomorrow night! Maybe we'll get farther
tomorrow night than we did last night. Hee hee. As far as I know...
(or saw) we made it farther than Ron and Hermione did! I'm so Happy I
have Harry! He's the best!
August 1st
I sure hope mum isn't getting suspicious when we always sneak off to the pond. I think she knows something is up. I sure hope not! That would be horrible. I don't want to get the same "talk" that all of the boys got when they started dating. I still have yet to sneak Harry in my bedroom! Oh boy is that ever going to be fun! Hee hee!
August 1st
We just got done playing a good game of quidditch after supper. Harry was the best, of course! He caught the snitch before I even spotted it! And he looks so handsome. It got hot, so Harry took his shirt off. I almost DIED! He's gorgeous! He's got muscles! It must be from all his hard work and Quidditch. I LOVE HARRY POTTER TILL THE DAY I DIE! I will always love you... as much as I can spare! Tee hee!
Mrs. Ginny Potter
August 2nd
WHOA! It was another amazing night in the laundry room. We managed to take it a step further than last night. Even though it was only a fraction of a step, it was still a step! Harry is so HOT! I need to bring my sunglasses so Harry's attractive rays don't melt my eyes! He makes my heart melt too. He's such a sweetie! I know why I love him! He is pretty damn good at pleasing a girl too. I'm blushing just writing this. Oh God. I sure hope that no one ever reads this! That would send me with my head in the sand real quick!
August 2nd
GRR! I was having a romantic moment with Harry by the pond, then my mum puts me to work! I mean... Those evil chickens are out to get me! I had to clean out the chicken house, and collect the eggs. Then I had to feed and water the evil demons! Arrrggh! They always ruin things for me! Always!
August 2nd
Harry wanted to help me with the chickens, but I felt too guilty. Now if Ron had come out here and offered to help, I would have gladly accepted his offer, then ditch him and go back to my snogging Harry. But Ron is a lazy git, so I could never have something that wonderfully amazing happen. Besides, he's probably having a good snog with Hermione. I still say those chickens are evil.
August 2nd
CHICKENS ARE EVIL!!!
August 2nd
I love Harry James Potter!
I LOVE HARRY JAMES POTTER!
August 3rd
Once again, I say my brother is a git! A jerk! A hormone-raged loser! He took the laundry room! He was in there this morning, and he took it again tonight! What a jerk! We had an agreement! But, I guess it wasn't all bad. I finally got to sneak Harry into my room... And that was the best ever! We made it much farther... And as far as I think we can possibly get. Wink-wink. It was awesome. I don't think I will get into detail, but once again I would have to say that Harry sure knows how to "charm" a girl. It was just AMAZING! I want to do that again real soon! Harry, I love you!
August 3rd
How many times will I have to say EVIL CHICKENS! Again, I am stuck taking care of the evil beasts. Ever since Fred and George moved out I've had to take care of the bloody birds. Fred, George... Come back and take your jobs back! I'll pay you all the money I have!
August 3rd
I will still be happy though. After last night, how could I not be in a good mood?! Harry is in a rather cheery mood himself. I LOVE HIM!
August 3rd
Haha. Now that I think about it, I'm not mad at Ron for stealing the laundry room. For all I care, he can have it all the time now! My room rocks! We get the nice comfy bed and they get the uncomfortable washing machine! HAHA! I win once more, Ronald!
August 3rd
Hee hee. Harry is about to sneak into my room! He told me on the watch I gave him for his birthday. It's one in the morning and I'm getting tired, so I hope Harry can wake me up! Maybe he'll wake me up tonight just like he did last night, because that was PERFECT! Ohh... Harry's here! It's going to be so much fun!
August 4th
Wow. That's all I can say is WOW! Harry is amazing. And incredibly sexy! I'm in awe. He's drop-dead gorgeous. I love staring in his beautiful bright green eyes as I snog him, and I love running my fingers through his soft, jet black hair. Which, his hair too smells like strawberry patch now because I gave him some of my shampoo to use! Wow... He's great!
August 5th
Garden gnomes are evil too. The particularly fat one bit my finger! It bled for like, an hour! Harry kissed it though and made it all better! He's such a sweetie! I love him!
August 5th
Wow... I forgot my days since Harry has been here. In two
short days, the first brother of mine is going to be married. Sadly,
he is marrying a git. I hate Fleur! I don't know why! I just do! She
makes me sick! Vomits
Arrghhh! How can I deal with her being my
sister-in-law! Mum finally can stand her, but I sure can't! Bleh! I'm
happy that Bill could find someone he loves and that he wants to
marry, but WHY THE HELL DID HE HAVE TO PICK FLEUR?!
August 6th
Ack! So busy around here! I'm going crazy! I have to help clean the house so immaculately that not even a floating dust mite can be seen! So annoying! All for that snob, Fleur! She asked me to do something "more" with myself for her wedding! I'm not that plain am I? I mean, I have guys DYING to be with me. I don't see how I can be that plain-looking. I just want to throttle her. She makes me so mad!
August 6th
I don't want to be her damned bridesmaid. After the wedding, I think I am going to burn the dress she bought for me to wear in her evil little wedding. I do hope Bill chooses to move far away, just so she isn't popping in to visit all of the time. I think I would kill myself if I had to deal with her all of the time! Ahhh! Scary thought! WHY BILL? WHY?!!
August 6th
Harry was picked to be a groomsmen. He looks so cute in his tux! Soon, it shall be mine and Harry's wedding. Not Bill marrying some git!
August
7th
The nerves sure are setting in... AND I'M NOT EVEN THE ONE
GETTING MARRIED! Though, I wish I were... Anyway, I'm nervous because
I know that in a little more than twenty-four hours time, that git
Fleur Delacour will be my sister-in-law! This is a nightmare! Will I
ever wake up? I hope I wake up soon! Oh, damn. I don't think this is
me dreaming. This horrible nightmare is really happening! I just have
to hold the contents of my stomach within me while standing up there
being Fleur's maid of horror! God, please help me to get through this
day!
August 7th
Fleur came in and gave me cosmetics, hair styling products, and perfume. What is she trying to tell me??? That I'm ugly and stinky, and my hair is plain?! I feel sick. Please excuse me when I go vomit.
August 7th
I wasn't even kidding when I said I was feeling ill. Though, I do think it is the nerves. I went downstairs to puke. Harry saw me... I left the bathroom door wide open. He came and patted me on the back and held my hair back. He's such a sweetie. He figured out that it was only nerves. And severe hate pulsing through my veins to that Fleur! Again, I must ask, WHY BILL? WHY?!
August 7th
Harry didn't want to kiss me after I was puking though. I guess I don't blame him... Ack. Fleur makes me so sick!
August 8th
Oh my God! Bill and Fleur are getting married today! I need to settle. I need to calm down. I do not need to freak out! But I am so freaking scared to have her in the family! Think of Christmas! Oh God... Just kill me now. It would be a big favor. I'm freaking out. I'm sick to my stomach. I hope I don't throw up all over in the middle of the wedding... Bill would kill me. Although... If I know I do have to puke, I will aim it at Fleur. Bill wouldn't be to happy with me, though. I'm going to ask mum for something to settle my nerves. Like, a calming potion. Oh, and something for my upset stomach. I know mum made plenty of that ahead of time. She kind of figured SOMEONE would need it. Oh man... I better quit writing and get my horrid dress on. Wish me luck, I'm about to be a sister-in-law to someone I hate.
August 9th
The wedding wasn't all
bad. I took the calming potion and the stomach potion. Well, it all
helped until Bill and Fleur kissed. Then I had to kindly excuse
myself. Seeing that git kissing my brother makes me sick. Harry was
so sexy in his tux! After the wedding we found our own little private
spot and had a little fun! He said I looked really pretty in my
dress. I wanted to gag, but when Harry said it, I couldn't help but
agree. I stared deeply into those beautiful, bright green eyes of his
and looked down at his perfect smile and kissed him. I love him.
August 9th
Bill and Fleur are leaving for their honeymoon in Paris tomorrow. I hope they have fun. Wait, let me reword this... I hope BILL has fun. Maybe I'll be lucky and Fleur will be attacked by a giant chicken (WHICH ARE STILL EVIL!!!) or drown in a river. But I mustn't get my hopes up. I hope that soon, it will be mine and Harry's wedding. Harry is going to be really busy soon. Which makes me sad. He's still on a mission for Dumbledore, and I respect that. I just wish he'd let me come with on his journey. I am brave. I can handle anything that comes my way. I think I will have a little chat with him about it. I need him to understand that I will be with him on all his travels. Hermione and Ron feel the same way. Speaking of Ron and Hermione, they disappeared last night and still haven't shown. I bet I know what their doing... Anyway... I think I'm going to go down to the lake and do some thinking.
August 10th
Well, we just got our school letters in the mail. We have new precautions this year. McGonagall is the new Headmistress. They explained in the letter how close they came to closing down, but reminded parents that there children were just as safe at Hogwarts as they were in their own homes. I'm going back to Hogwarts, but it sounds like Harry is not. If he doesn't go back, I don't know what I'll do. Mum and dad would never let me skip out my last two years of school. And they won't let Ron skip out his final year. And Hermione wouldn't quit going to school even if her life depended on it. But how will we go on without Harry. Ron is probably just is upset as I am that he can't skip out the school year to be with Harry. Probably just because he doesn't like going to school and doing all of the homework. And I know Ron has been absolutely dreading seventh year. He does not want to take the N.E.W.T's. I can understand why. I just had my O.W.L. year and that was horrible. Speaking of my O.W.L.'s, I got them with my Hogwarts letter. It wasn't as bad as I thought. I got eight O.W.L.'s. Yay! Anyway, I am going to try my hardest to get Harry to come back. Otherwise, I may just have to refuse to go to school and sneak away with Harry. Though, knowing him... He'd probably push me away saying it's too dangerous. Bleh. Whatever. But, I'm going to try! How could I possibly spend my year without Harry? Besides, he's Quidditch Captain. What will us Gryffindor's do without Harry, who is Hogwarts greatest Seeker and Gryffindor Quidditch Captain. You can't leave Harry... You just can't.
August 10th
A sudden scary thought just occured to me... Even if I do talk Harry into coming back this year, THIS IS HARRY'S LAST YEAR! AND I HAVE TWO YEARS TO GO! What will I do? I will just die! That's what I'll do. Okay, okay... I'm being a little overly-dramatic... But what will I do without him?
August 11th
I feel so depressed. Harry left with the order to do some secret junk. He's not here and I couldn't go with him. I have been crying all day. Ron has been depressed too, because Hermione had to leave to go on vacation in France with her mum and dad. I've been eating like crazy too. Probably from this horrible depression I feel. I just feel so empty inside. Why did Harry have to leave? Now I'm just stuck being all alone. It is a horrible feeling.
August 12
It sounds like Harry isn't coming back to school, either. I asked mum. She says that he doesn't sound too willing to come back, though... She says everyone in the order thinks it would be for the better if he did go back. I'm hoping they can persuade him because despite my snogging and sad talks and faces.
August 13
Empty. Hungry. Depressed. Nauseated. Lovesick. I wish Harry was here. I miss him.
August 13
Boredom. Complete and utter boredom. Harry is not here. I am so bored without him. Bored and depressed. I just want to lie in bed all day. I just want to kill the evil chickens! Mum makes me get up at six in the morning to feed the damn things. I am heartbroken and depressed and really don't feel like getting out of bed! But try explaining that to my MUM! She is impossible! Not to mention, I would much rather KILL the garden gnomes other then just make them dizzy as hell and throw them over the fence. That would be much more convienient, wouldn't it? I mean, it would kill out their population and in turn, killing every gnome in this yard! It would be a long while before that garden would need degnoming!
August 13
Still lying around, being depressed about my Harry. I am waiting for him to come back sometime. Mum says she is going to invite him over for supper tomorrow night. He had better accept, or I'll be mad! I miss him!
August 14
Mum got a hold of Harry and... HE'S COMING BACK FOR DINNER! I get a few hours to see Harry tonight. I know that Harry typically gets really sleepy after eating all of my mum's good food, so hopefully, he will want to stay the night. Mum is hoping the same thing, since she constantly worries about him. Mum considers Harry her son, anyway. Don't worry mum, with time, Harry will be your son-in-law. Because I am going to marry him! Yes I am! I am so excited. Harry will be here at six o' clock! So happy! Depression sliding through my fingertips! I love him!
August 14th
Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny
Potter
Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter
Mrs.
Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter Mrs. Ginny Potter
August 14th
I'm crying so hard that I'm hyperventilating. One day, our relationship is going so great, then the next I'm writing in my diary about a broken heart. We didn't break up, but I know it came really really close! Harry and I got into an argument after dinner over the fact that Harry SHOULD FINISH HIS LAST YEAR OF SCHOOL! I mean, that would be logical, don't you think? It's really freaking stupid to be in your seventh year and just drop out! I will not give up, though! Even if it does dissolve our relationship, because it is TOTALLY STUPID to drop out the last year of school, when you are so close to done! I mean, I opened my eyes and realized that I want to finish school. Unlike before when I wanted to stay out of school just to be with Harry. I think I've realized that my world does not revolve around Harry. I mean, he is a big part, a huge part in fact, in my world, but he's not everything. I can't let this tear me apart anymore. I guess what he does with his life is his business, but I am going to talk to him and try to talk him out of this stupidity.
August 14
However, I will admit that I am really scared to do this, I love Harry more than anything, and I don't want our relationship to dissolve. I pray that I can talk him out of this stupidity and at the same time maintain a healthy and strong relationship.
August 14th
I still want to be Mrs. Ginny Potter
August 15th
Harry hasn't come back since our argument. Hasn't replied to the messages I sent him on his watch, anything. I'm going to cry myself to death. I'm running out of tears and oxygen. Harry is my whole life, my whole world. Letting him leave me or just not talk to me is taking the very breath out of my lungs. It's sucking all the life out of me. I cannot live without him. I am an empty shell. I have nothing to live for, nothing... Without Harry. He needs to see this. He needs to understand this. I've been sick without him. Mum is noticing. I'm under a lot of stress. If Harry were at least talking to me, it would ease a lot of that stress. Please, Harry. See how much I need you. Talk to me, that's all I ask of you. Please. I will die without him by my side forever more.
August 15th
Is
it normal to feel so empty? And to feel like wanting to just die? I
ask myself this because that's how I'm feeling. I haven't gotten out
of bed because I'm hoping to just die in my bed. I see my exercise
rope sitting in the corner of my room and just fantisize what would
happen if I just tied it around my neck and cut the oxygen off. Or,
the blade that I use to slit my envelopes open that is lying so
innocently on my desk I would love to use to slit my wrists. Is this
normal? I don't know. I still think a lot about Harry, but now all
that's filling my mind is bad memories. Not just Harry anymore, but
all of the bad things. They make me feel like I just don't want to
survive anymore! Oh God, what's wrong with me!
August 15th
Can't sleep. Oh God, I need Harry. I need someone. I'm trying so hard to just sit here and deal with this pain. It's so hard. I can't. I want to hurt myself. I deserve the pain. I know I shouldn't, but... Oh God I don't even want to live anymore. I'm crying. I can't stop. Why won't anyone stop this pain? Why can't I just end it myself?
August 16th
I started to write some poetry on how I felt. Here are a few that I have written...
No Light
No light is shown as I
travel through this
dark tunnel we call life
There is no hope
within the black hole that
was once my heart
There is no
happiness traveling through the
remains of my soul
Basically,
there is nothing left except pain
The tunnel of life is dark
The
black hole of my heart has burst into flames
Even the remains of
my soul have withered away
No light shines for me
The tunnel
will always be dark
My heart will always be in flames
My soul
will never be fixed
And I will die in sorrow
Take my heart,
take my life
You were the only reason I wanted to live
Only for
you, everything I was willing to give
As these tears climb down my
face
I realize that you want something faster pace
I wish you
knew exactly how much I love you
My life is a living hell without
you
Love me too, that is all I desire
Without you, my life
shall retire
Deeply, Madly In Love With You
Deeply, madly
in love with you
You're forever on my mind
I want to be with
you forever
I need you by my side
I know you may not feel the
same
But I am hoping it is close
For I love you more than mere
words can explainSo as I am deeply, madly in love with you
I
wonder if you are with me
With time I suppose I shall find out
I
only hope it is a happy ending
August 16th
Death Awaits Me
Death awaits me
I knock on his
door
He calls to me
He whispers my name
I cry to him
I
tell my secrets to him
I begin to fall in love with him
Wanting
to follow him to his chamber of darkness
Hoping he will bring me
with him soon
He is my destiny
My never ending peace
I see
him in my dreams
I see him as I lie awake
I fantasize about
him
Yet he never comes for me
Even as I try
Yet I remember
that someday
Death awaits me
August 16th
I don't know why I feel this way! I think I need help!
August 17th
Even if Harry doesn't want anything to do with me, I want everything to do with him. I don't understand why looking out for him was bad. I'm starting to feel a little less depressed now, and more and more love-struck. I don't know what that was all about. I felt so horrible. I almost did something really bad, and I don't even know why! Harry still hasn't been talking to me. He's even ignoring my mum and Ron and Hermione. He's beginning to really worry me. He's doing something very important right now, but I hope that's the only reason!
August 17th
I wrote this poem just for Harry. About how I feel about him.
What is Love?
What is
love?
It is the gift I get from you
The thing that burns inside
of me
I really hope you feel the same love burning inside of you
too
When you whisper gently in my ear
I feel safe, no longer in
fear
When we kiss I feel a tingle in my lips
And you do it so
very perfectly, you needn't any tips
When you put your arms around
me
I feel so secure
Knowing your there beside me
I am always
sure
Because I believe in you
Because I have the faith
I
will always love you
Forever, to this day.
August 18th
I can't sleep, AGAIN! I can't even breathe. I feel as if my life is hanging on this tiny little thread, and Harry breaking my heart will be the scissors to that thread. He still isn't talking to me. I've been lying in bed day after night, night after day, wishing for death because I'm so damned depressed. Mum thinks I need to talk to her about it. Yeah, right. Like my mum could understand my problems. No one understands my problems. No one understands me. Besides, I don't need any help. How could anyone help me, anyway? The only thing that may make me alive inside again is Harry at least TALKING to me. Somehow, I don't think it's just Harry that's bothering me, though. Everything is hard for me to deal with. I'm so depressed, that even getting out of bed to go to the bathroom or take a shower makes me feel like I'm lead and I need to lie down before I pass out. I haven't eaten anything in two days, I couldn't stomach it. Besides, I don't deserve the luxury of food. I'm a hopeless being who has no purpose on this earth. I don't deserve this life. And, I suppose, I definitely don't deserve Harry Potter.
August 19th
I think that maybe I do need help. I read my latest diary entry and it's kind of scaring me. And what scares me more is that I know that is how I feel a lot of the time. I don't feel that way now, because Harry is coming over tomorrow night to discuss things. It makes me feel a little better to know that he is willing to talk through things with me now, but I have this scared butterfly-ish, sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that our talk isn't going to end up with a happy ending.
August 19th
This sick feeling hasn't gone away. I think I need to mentally prepare myself for a severe heartbreak. At this point in time, however, I don't think I may be able to handle it...
August 19th
Will this depression never end? Somehow it seems that way. I feel fine one second, then the next I'm so tempted to end my life. I don't know what it is. I think I just need Harry. Harry makes me complete. He makes me forget every bad thing and replaces it with good. Without Harry, I feel like a dementor sucked out my soul. I am so empty. I am so scared that when Harry comes to talk to me that he will tell me it couldn't possibly work out between us and that we need to move on. Well, I can't move on without Harry. I can't live without him. I'm not being overly-dramatic, it is very true. Since our fight, I haven't been right since. I think I've turned mentally disturbed. Mum is mad that I haven't been eating, and she's getting to the point where I'm afraid she's going to force-feed me. But I feel sick enough the way it is, eating would make matters worse. I don't feel hungry. Unless hunger for Harry counts. I long to be in his arms once more. Life just isn't worth living anymore if he's no longer part of my world, because he was my whole world.
August 19th
Where has my heart gone? I can't find it. Oh yeah, that's right... Harry stole it, and he won't give it back. It's trapped in Harry's hands. I want to go back in time... I want to erase the pain. I want to erase my birth so I never had to deal with this pain in the first place.
August 19
I want to run away. I can't stand mum trying to psycho-analyze me. She's trying to play this concerned mother. I know she doesn't care. She's got her favorites. I'm no one important. She could care less about me. I know it. Dad's never home anymore, and it doesn't matter because I know he never cared anyway. No one cares about me. I don't need to continue this life anymore... I know Harry is going to reject me, I just know it. I'm so sick, I feel like I'm going to pass out. I can't bear these thoughts. I JUST NEED TO END IT! Release me from all of this pain, release me from this horrid life...
August 19th
I wrote this song for you, Harry...
"Forgive Me"
Can you forgive me again?
I don't know what I
said
But I didn't mean to hurt you
I heard the words come out
I
felt that I would die
It hurt so much to hurt you
Then you look
at meYou're not shouting anymore
You're silently broken
I'd
give anything now to kill those words for you
Each time I say
something I regret I cry "I don't want to lose you"
But
somehow I know you'll never leave me, yeah
Cause you were made
for me
Somehow I'll make you see
How happy you make me
I
can't live this life without you by my side
I need you to
survive
So stay with me
You look in my eyes and I'm screaming
inside that "I'm sorry"
And you forgive me
again
You're my one true friend
And I never meant to hurt you
August 19th
Yet another song I have written for you, Harry...
"Surrender"
Is this real enough for
you
You were so confused
Now that you've decided to stay
We'll
remain together
You can't abandon me
You belong to
me
Breathe in and take my life in you
No longer myself only
you
There's no escaping me, my love
Surrender
Darling,
there's no sense in running
You know I will find you
Everything
is perfect now
We can live forever
You can't abandon me
You
belong to me
Breathe in and take my life in youNo longer
myself only you
There's no escaping me, my love
Surrender
Breathe in and take my life in you
No longer myself only
you
There's no escaping me, my love
Surrender
August 19th
I'm in a songwriting mood, I suppose. Well, I guess I write the best when I'm depressed. Now if only I had a voice to go with the songs...
"Understanding (Wash It All Away)"
"You hold the answers deep within your own
mind.
Consciously, you've forgotten it.
That's the way the
human mind works.
Whenever something is too unpleasant, to
shameful for us
to entertain, we reject it.
We erase it from
our memories.
But the imprint is always there."
(Can't
wash it all away)
(Can't Wish it all away)
(Can't hope it all
away)
(Can't cry it all away)
The pain that grips you
The
fear that binds you
Releases life in me
In our mutual
Shame
we hide our eyes
To blind them from the truth
That finds a way
from who we are
Please don't be afraid
When the darkness fades
away
The dawn will break the silence
Screaming in our hearts
My
love for you still grows
This I do for you
Before I try to
fight the truth my final time
"We're supposed to try and
be real.
And I feel alone, and we're not together. And that is
real."
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it all away
Can't
cry it all away
Can't scratch it all away
Lying beside
you
Listening to you breathe
The life that flows inside of
you
Burns inside of me
Hold and speak to me
Of love without
a sound
Tell me you will live through this
And I will die for
you
Cast me not away
Say you'll be with me
For I know I
cannot
Bear it all alone
"You're not alone,
honey."
"Never... Never."
Can't fight it all
away
Can't hope it all away
Can't scream it all away
It just
won't fade away, No
Can't wash it all away
Can't wish it
all away
Can't cry it all away
Can't scratch it all
away
(Can't fight it all away)
(Can't hope it all
away)
Can't scream it all away
Ooh, it all away
Ooh, it all
away
"But the imprint is always there. Nothing is ever
really forgotten."
"Because I'll die if you
do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Because
I'll die if you do."
"Because I'll die if you
do."
"Because I'll die if you do."
"Give
Unto Me"
I've been watching you from a distance
The
distance sees through your disguise
All I want from you is your
hurting
I want to heal you
I want to save you from the dark
Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison
Why
should I care if they hurt you
Somehow it matters more to me
Than if I were hurting myself
Save you (save you)
I'll
save you
Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your
suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly
poison
Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be
the sun in your world of darkness
Give unto me all that frightens
you
I'll have your nightmares for you
If you sleep soundly
Give unto me your troubles
I'll endure your suffering
Place onto me your burden
I'll drink your deadly poison
Fear not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun
in your world of darkness
Give unto me all that frightens you
I'll have your nightmares for you
If you sleep soundly
Fear
not the flame of my love's candle
Let it be the sun in your world
of darkness
I think I'm done writing songs now... My mind is exhausted. I just need sleep.
August
20th
I am so scared for 7 o' clock to come. That's when Harry is
coming over for dinner to talk to mum and then talk to me. I'm not
even going to bring up him going back to school, that's mum's job.
No... I'd much rather know I'm with Harry and be in school without
him other than be in school knowing we're no longer together. I'm so
scared. I know we haven't officially broken up, but I just have this
sick feeling in the pit of my stomach that the break up from hell is
soon to come.
August 20th
I've been pacing all day, thinking about tonight and trying to mentally prepare myself for severe heartbreak. I just have this gut feeling that he doesn't want to be with me anymore. I don't want this evening to come anymore. I just want to go to sleep and never wake up.
August 20th
Oh God, he's going to be here in an hour. I think I'm going to throw up. I'm so scared! I can't take this life! There is too much pain involved! Oh no, I think I really am going to throw up! I'm so scared and nervous!
August 20th
Harry came and talked... I'm
so much calmer now... He's staying with me, he said he was mad, but
every couple has a fair share of arguments and fights so it's stupid
to break up, and mum talked him into finishing his seventh year of
school. I'm so relieved. But why do I still feel depressed? Harry
could tell. I wasn't cheery. He even told me the sparkle in my
beautiful eyes turned grey and I looked really peaky and deadly
depressed. He asked if it was him... I said I didn't know... I should
be so happy... But I'm not. I have no reason to be sad, but I am... I
really don't know why. I still really want to die... Harry wanted to
talk more, but I just kissed him goodnight and went to my room and
slammed the door. And here I am now, on my bed, writing in my diary,
thinking about death. No one really cares... I mean, I'm not worth a
body, nor a soul. I should free them. Do everyone a favor, it would.
I hate life... I just want to die. I'm eyeing that sharp letter
opener on my desk... Just one cut, I deserve it... Or my exercise
rope... Just tie it around you're neck and jump out of the window,
you're dead. Just what I want... What I know I've wanted all
along...
Death... Awaits... Me...
August 21
I can't believe the audacity my mother had to send me to the hospital!!! She saw me devising a way to end my life and she saw the blood on my sheets after I had slit my wrists. She saw the exersise rope hanging out of my window. She shipped me off to St. Mungo's immediately. I can't believe her! Now I'm locked up in this room with nothing but my diary, this quill and ink, and my thoughts! I don't know why I feel this way! All I do know is that I need to end my life! This place is locked up tighter than a drum! They took everything away from me! They took my wand, and my clothes! They gave me a hospital gown to wear. They were afraid that I could hang myself with my sweater!!! The only item of clothing I was able to keep was my underwear! I felt so violated! They even took my bra! They said I could hang myself with that, too! Apparently, a girl that had been there before me had tried it before... They completely stipped me down to check me for hazardous things towards myself. My mum was bawling and kept on telling me it was for my safety. She was probably just bawling because we can't afford this. She doesn't really care about me. No one does. I bet you Harry's just using me for a piece of as s. I need to end this. My life just got one-hundred times worse now. The door is locked behind me and I can't get out... The stupid Healers come in and check on me every fifteen minutes and I can't take a shower or use the bathroom without being watched! It's absolutely horrible! And they call this treatment for this? Pfft! This is just making me want to die MORE. I officially hate my mum for doing this to me.
August 21
Now they expect me to write down ten reasons why I want to live. I told them that I want to get out immediately. I have to come up with a "Safety Plan" and all this crap to get out. I really need a shower. But if those people are going to watch me, I'm not taking one, thank you very much! I'd rather smell bad and look gross. Which I totally do. Also, mum told them that I haven't been eating, and that I've been vomiting a lot lately, so now they think that I have an eating disorder, too! That's not true! I'm perfectly fine with my body! I've just been too sick to eat lately, and I've been sick from all the stress! I can't help it! They're constantly coming in with food and watching me eat. Then somebody makes sure I don't bolt for the bathroom right away. It's stupid. I hate this so much!
August 22
I got some good sleep last night, though. They gave me a sleeping potion. A dreamless sleep one. That was awesome. But that doesn't alter the fact that I hate this place!!! Not to mention, I have to go to the bathroom... Really badly! But I refuse to unless I can do it without someone watching me! Stupid people... I feel disgusting too. I won't shower when they are watching me... Grr! Why can't they just give me some privacy!!! Great, now one of the Healers is coming to talk to me... I'll write later...
August 22
I HAVE TO PEE!!! ARGHH!! But I can't! They won't let me unsupervised. In a few days I can if I show good behavior and move up in stats... Then I can shower and pee unsupervied. Damn, this sucks! And guess what? The stupid Healer wanted to have a look at my diary! I flat out refused! He was disappointed, but too damn bad on his part! This is my private diary! He has no business reading it! HELL NO! He tried to get me to open up. I told him that all this was a mistake, that I didn't really belong there. I made up these stories on how I was opening my letter and the blade slipped and cut me, and the rope fell out of the attic into the tree branch. I didn't do it on purpose. I put on this fake smile and talked all happy... Just so I could get out. I hope it works, before I wet myself!
August 23
Thank God! Mum came and saved me! I now love her again! I was released against their advice because mum and dad just couldn't afford it. For the first time in my life, I am so happy that we are poor! And you know the first thing I did when I got home? I went to the bathroom in the privacy of my own bathroom and took a shower! I feel so much better! I've learned my lesson in those two days I was there... I'm not doing that again! Or, at least, I'm not going to get caught!
August 23
After Harry found out that I was out of the St. Mungo's, he came over and hugged me and kissed me. He wouldn't let me go. After he was done doing that, (though I wish he hadn't stopped, it was awesome!) he said he wanted to slap me for what I had done, but he couldn't, because he doesn't hit girls. Then he admitted to me that he had once been the same way. His feelings he explained relate to how I feel now. He said at his Aunt and Uncle's house, he often times feels like... dying... He even showed me something that shocked me... A LOT! He had three bright red scars on his wrists. He had been covering them up with his wristwatch all of the time. He said he had contemplated suicide before as well. But, he told me that being with him made him stronger and helped him beat the depression. He said that he would help me by all means possible get over this. I didn't know what to say, so instead, I threw my arms around him and snogged him.
August 24
Harry had to leave again this morning. He's on a search for the lost horcruxes. He finally took the time to explain his mission very elaborately. I only wish I could help him. I fear that Harry will be killed in his attempt to destroy Voldemort. I pray that Harry will be okay. I don't know what I would do without him. I know this is early to say this... But I really want to marry him in the future and have children with him. I just hope that my dear Harry lives long enough to spend our lives together.
August 24
After Harry thoroughly explained the horcruxes to me, and a few other things he's found out... I feel very scared about something... He told me about what the prophecy had said. "Neither can live while the other survives." Voldemort makes a horcrux after each death... Somehow, adding those two together... What if HARRY is a horcrux? I took that prophecy very seriously! Oh no! Harry can't die! He just can't!
August 25
Life is just super hard. That's all there is to it. But, as Harry helped me discover, we can't just end our lives. We have to deal with it. Harry told me that if I continued living, he would make me so happy. He said that I couldn't kill myself. He said that he will not ever let me leave him. I don't want to now... I cannot leave him behind to face this life alone. I want to be with him for the rest of my life. I want to get married to him, have children with him, have grandchildren, and so on and so forth with him. He promised me all of this... But I had to promise him something back... That I wouldn't kill myself. That I couldn't even attempt to kill myself. Though, I told him, "life is so hard sometimes, I will think about it, I know I will." He lifted my chin and kissed me, then he said, "you can think about it all you want as long as you stay with me in this life." I started to cry. But Harry Potter, you have no idea how much you have truly saved me.
August 25th
I cried when Harry told me these things. I had a hard time promising him those things. Because I just get in these moods where I can't help how I feel. I just want to end it all and end all of this pain. I get very confused at times. Now Harry is so far away, and I have no one here to hold me as I cry. It's very hard. But I will just wait until I have my time with him, then I will cry on his shoulders and be consoled. And Harry does a very good job of consoling me.
August 26th
But if something ever happened to Harry... Or if he ever lied to me, I don't think I could ever handle it. The pain would be too much. Harry is all that I have to live for now. Without him, It's all gone, and I have nothing to live for, nothing... He's the one who has saved me from death. I can't lose him... I just can't.
August 26th
School starts in six days. I'm excited! Harry is coming back to school! That means that I will be able to see him every day! I am so happy! I'm not looking forward to sixth year, but hey, if I'm with Harry, I'm happy. No matter what.
August 26th
Mum tried to tell me not to keep a diary anymore... I laughed in her face. She told me I was forbidden to have a diary after what happened in my first year, but I know that this diary is safe, I mean... The only person responding to me now is my own thoughts! The ink isn't disappearing into the page and reappearing with a different response, so I'm not worried. Like Voldemort would try to possess me again, anyway. Yeah, right. Besides, Harry told me that was a Horcrux, and he destroyed it. So haha to Voldemort. My dear Harry thwarted you once more! HAHA! He killed a part of your soul, he did. He will defeat you! I just hope to high heavens that Harry isn't the last horcrux and he will die... NO! That will never ever ever ever EVER happen! Never!
August 27th
School is approaching fast... I'm not sure what I think at this moment in time. All I know is that I will be excited to see Harry again. I probably won't see him until we board the Hogwarts Express. He's pretty busy. He's in Godric's Hollow right now. He's found his parents old property. I feel so bad for him. It can't be an easy thing to go through. He visited his parents grave. I wish I was there for him, right then... Like he was for me. Because I heard from my dad (who went with Harry to Godric's Hollow) that he sort of broke down. He couldn't control his tears. I wish I was there to console him. I hope he'll be okay until I see him.
August 26th
I can make him feel better. I know I can. I don't know what it's like to lose a parent, but I was really close to losing my dad. Of course, Harry saved him then, too. He's such a hero. He's saved everyone in this family in some way, I think. Well, maybe not everybody. But a lot of us... Some in ways that they don't know yet, but I can see it. I can't even count how many times Harry has saved my git of a brother, Ron... Nor can I count how many times that he has truly saved me. That's why I love Harry James Potter. I will love him until the day I die, and that's a promise.
August 28th
FOUR DAYS UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS!!! Where has the summer gone? It went so fast! Oh well, that means that it's only FOUR DAYS UNTIL I SEE THE MAN I LOVE! Harry, here I come! Are you ready for me? Hee hee. My classes are going to be murder this year, I can sense it. I'm afraid to see my schedule. Eek! I hope I don't need to take classes such as History of Magic or, Herbology, or things like that! I need more exciting classes! I wonder if I will be taking Care of Magical Creatures... It's rather thrilling to be able to work with big creatures. I think I'm taking after Charlie. I really like dragons. I want to be in classes with Harry, but he's with all the seventh years! Why can't I be Harry's age? It's not fair! Ron doesn't know how lucky he is! I'm Harry's girlfriend and soon-to-be wife, and I haven't spent nearly as much time with Harry as he has! Lucky!
August 29th
THREE DAYS UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS AND THREE DAYS UNTIL I GET TO SEE THE MAN I LOVE! I'm so excited! I am nervous about the classes. I can't wait until Quidditch! It wasn't until we won the House Quidditch Cup that Harry kissed me! Ohhh... Our first kiss! Such good memories! I get that feeling down my spine when I think about it... Not the bad feeling, the good one. I love him, I have since I laid eyes upon his dark black hair and his, bright green eyes! He's adorable, sweet! Ohhh! I just love everything about him! He's such a sweetie! I should wear something really cute when I board the train. I have to sit by him, of course! I love him!
August 29
I sure hope no one at school finds out that I was in the Mental Health ward at St. Mungos for a while. I think I would die of embarrassment. I can hear all the people teasing me about how I went mad. I think I would break down all over again if people teased me about that. I mean, they have no idea of all the rubbish I've been through in my life. If they had the slightest clue, maybe they would back off. Of course, Harry has gone through WAY more than I could handle! I don't know how he does it, I mean, his pain triples mine. How can he stand it? Not to mention, I'm getting mad just thinking about people at school teasing me, because school hasn't started yet and you don't know what is going to happen. It's not likely that people are going to find out anyway, right?
August 30th
TWO DAYS UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS AND TWO DAYS UNTIL I GET TO
SEE THE MAN I LOVE!!! I'm so happy! I want to be with Harry! I've
been formulating that special outfit to wear on the train there...
Perhaps Harry and I could get a compartment to ourselves. I doubt
that is possible under normal conditions, but thanks to Fred and
George's wonderful invention, it will be incredibly easy. That means
I have to wear something brilliantly seductive and easy to get out
of. I think I'm getting my hopes up... Perhaps I shouldn't, but I
want to so badly! I miss what Harry and I did on a nightly basis. I
think I became addicted!
August 30th
EVIL CHICKENS!!! With only two days left to enjoy freedom and relaxation before school starts, mum expects me to care for those evil chickens! I was being stubborn, but eventually mum kicked my butt out of that door out to the chickens. I just got done feeding, watering, and stealing the chicken's eggs. They must love me... I was shoving them out of my way, kicking them to their food, accidentally kicked one into the water basin... Whoopsie. Oh well, it didn't drown... Though I couldn't say I wouldn't have minded... Also, to improve our truly splendid friendship, I steal their eggs! Hee hee! I'm so evil... But hey, so are the chickens!
August 30th
Just when I thought the work was done, I had to go and degnome the stinking garden. Meh, I hate this place. I really do! It's so aggravating! Oh well, it's only two more days until I leave this hellhole. I don't much care for school, but at least it gets me away from here. I mean, don't get me wrong, I love my dear mum and dad, even though mum drives me mad. Dad's never home to bother me too much, besides, he's always been the big softie and I'm pretty sure he will always be the big softie. Mum wears the pants in this family, dad wears the dress... Hee hee... Dad's such a softie!
August 30th
ONLY TWO MORE DAYS!!!!
August 31st
ONE MORE DAY UNTIL SCHOOL STARTS AND I GET TO SEE THE MAN I LOVE!!! I am totally in love with Harry James Potter! I'm working on getting that compartment to ourselves. I'm devious, I know! I should be in Slytherin for how devious I truly am! But I wouldn't want to be in Slytherin, for many reasons, but the big reason I wouldn't want to be in Slytherin is because then I wouldn't be in the same house as Harry! Also, that means I wouldn't have gotten that magnificent kiss that led to our hot relationship that is going strong! Not to mention, I would be in the same house as Draco Malfoy! Icky! Though, I doubt that dear evil little Draco will be coming back to Hogwarts, along with evil, ugly stupid Snape. Every time I even think about Snape I grab air, pretending Snape is in my hands and I strangle the air! I'm so mad! Dumbledore was like a father to Harry, and Snape killed him! They would be pretty stupid to return to Hogwarts, they could get their butts kicked bigtime, and for them, we don't even need wands!!!
August 31st
I'm so excited for Hogwarts to begin! We're very lucky that it is even reopening, but they found that we're just as safe at Hogwarts, if not safer than at home. I know that some parents will still be to afraid to send their children to school, but they are at just as much risk at home than they are at the school, but whatever, I mean, what can you do. Mum and dad at least aren't too thick to realize that. Besides, despite how annoying mum can be, she has her priorites straight. She's only trying to protect us, I suppose. But annoying me with those evil chickens and garden gnomes are no way to show you're love for me. Harry better not want a farm with chickens or a garden which we have to degnome, I mean, I love Harry, but if he ever wanted that, can you say D-I-V-O-R-C-E? Nah, I'm just kidding, but I sure as hell would not take care of those evil creatures!
August 31st
I really hope that Harry never wants a garden or farm animals, I really think that would drive me mad! Besides, I think Harry will be far too busy with other things, if not, I'll keep him busy! I wouldn't mind that! I would really enjoy that, actually! Hee hee! I hope that Fred and George's invention works for tomorrow on the train to get that special compartment to ourselves... Oh my gosh! I still have not figured out what I'm going to wear! How shall I do my hair? My make-up?! So much to figure out, so little time! I must go figure this out! I hope to write in my diary soon! As for now, I'm off to beautify myself for my dearest Harry! I must remember, seductive and easy to get out of! Toodles!
September 1st
The journey to Hogwarts was AWESOME!!! We were able to work Fred and George's invention perfectly! We had a lot of fun in our compartment. Harry was a little nervous that it wouldn't work at first, but I was able to relax him. Hee hee. It was great. I love Harry soooo much! How could I possibly live my life without him? I know the answer to that! I couldn't! I knew that if I could just have that one compartment to myself that I could have an amazing ride, but I never expected it to be that amazing. Not to mention, I wasn't taking too much from others. There wasn't a whole lot of students attending this year. There is a fair few, but not even close to the amounts that we typically have! There are even EMPTY compartments. I just knew that my git of a brother and Hermione typically like to sit by Harry and I. Thank you Fred and George for your cunning!
September 1st
I'm lying in my dormitory, wishing that Harry were lying next to me, but he can't be. Boys can't even make it up our staircase. Cries One of these nights I just might have to borrow Harry's invisibility cloak and sleep next to him in his bed. I would love to sleep next to him in his bed! Oh my! I can imagine how great that would be! Sleeping in a bed that smells like Harry! Wow! I should steal his sheets. Hee hee. Probably not, that would be just a tad obsessive of me. But I just LOVE the way that Harry smells! He must wear some kind of distinct cologne or something. He always smells so handsome! I just want to kiss him! I can't wait until morning!
September 1st
I just can't sleep. I need Harry by my side. I can't put my mind to rest because it keeps on thinking such great thoughts of Harry! Along with them I'm getting really nice visuals! He's so hot! I wish I were staring into his bright, green eyes and running my fingers through his gorgeous jet black hair as I kiss him tenderly... Aww! We have such romantic times! I hope I sleep sometime this school year. I have to be on the Quidditch team, classes I reckon will be much more difficult. I'm afraid to recieve my schedule tomorrow. I'm probably going to have very hard classes. Ohhh!!! I almost forgot to mention, we have a new Defense Against the Dark Arts Teacher! His name is Professor Walton. He's very young, and kind of cute. But, that doesn't matter, because Harry is HOT! Wait, Harry is beyond hot, Harry is SEXY! So Professor Walton will not win! Hee hee! Somehow I feel Ron will become jealous because I know Hermione has a thing for cute Professors. Also, Draco Malfoy ought to be grateful he didn't come back, many many many people are talking about how they would like nothing more than to kill him. Along with Snape of course! Let's just say Slytherin House has very few people left. Five to be exact. Ha! Serves all those evil Voldemort followers right! I must sleep! I must! Goodnight!
September 2nd
Yep, I was right. My schedule SUCKS! I have super hard classes, and none with the man I love. I mean, I expected that, I suppose, because I'm a whole year under him, but still, I had SOME hope, and it's gone. It's rather sad. My head is killing me. I just got done sitting through one of Slughorn's boring classes. He's a nice guy, he's just really, really boring! Last year he was a bit more exciting, but it seems all of his enthusiasm toward being Potions Master is kaput. I have such rotten luck. I'm waiting for Harry to get back from class. I miss him! I miss being alone with him on the compartment on the train! That was great! Ohhh, even the memories and the visuals along with it make me happy, even though I prefer the real thing! Wait, the portrait door is opening! I think Harry's coming! YAY!
September 2nd
I am going to KILL Romilda Vane!!! Who does she think she is, hanging all over MY boyfriend! MY future husband! Harry looked like he wasn't enjoying it very much, which made me happy to see, but Romilda keeps trying to steal Harry away from me, or even touch him for that matter, I will seriously KILL her! I'll hex her, make her feel pain! Then, I'll go Avada Kedavra on her ass! I'm going to have to keep a close eye on her, she's probably going to slip Harry a love potion or something. I would be really scared if she managed to get one of Fred and George's love potions, because those work really well, and for a really long time!
September 2nd
I know, I'll have to write to Fred and George telling them they mustn't sell a love potion to Romilda Vane. I'll send a picture with it, too! Wait, perhaps I'll make tell them it's best not to sell her anything at all. However, those stupid gits are more concerned about getting the gold than worrying about the well-being of their little sister! I wonder if it's even worth writing to them. I think if Romilda were to use a love potion on Harry, they would just find it really funny. Why can't I have nice, normal brothers that do their sister a favor here and there? Though, I can't be angry with them yet, I haven't even asked them! I am pondering whether it is even worth it. I guess it's worth a shot. I'm off to write my dear brothers a sob letter.
September 3rd
I sure hope for Romilda's sake she backs off of Harry. I'm seriously going to kill her. She asked Harry if she could massage his back for him! Hello! I'm the one who will massage Harry! And I will do a better job than that little... S!ut. In fact, I will do such a good job that I will make Harry DROOL on his pillow! A BIG PUDDLE OF DROOL!!! Then, since she loves Harry so much, I'm going to take that puddle of Harry's drool from his breath-taking massage by ME and rub it in Romilda's face, and her hair! Let's see how she takes that! Then, if she tries to retort, I shall curse her like I would curse Malfoy or Snape if they were here! That's saying something.
September 3rd
I told Harry that after he got done with double potions I would massage him like he's never been massaged before. Then he laughed and said, "I've never had a massage in my life." I was like, WHAT? He looked at me, laughed, then kissed me, then said, "I can't wait to experience it. But don't make it the best, because then I can't look forward to something better." I looked in his eyes and at his sexy smile, moved closer to him, and snogged him till I ran out of breath. It was so romantic! Afterwards, I said, "Well, that explains why your always so damned tense." He laughed, I laughed, and we started snogging again. Then my jealous ex boyfriend Dean yelled, "Get a room!" So Harry and I intensified our passion for him to see. He went up to his dorm, scowling. Serves him right, the evil, overly- controlling cockroach.
September 3rd
I gave Harry that massage. I was totally right! I made him drool all over the pillow. He told me in a really hard to understand voice, because he was so relaxed, he thought he died and went to heaven, because he had an angel on his butt giving him a heavenly massage. I thought it was so sweet! Then he said, "This must be your best, how could it get any better. I wish you would have saved the best for later so I had something to look forward to." Then I said, "This isn't my best." He had me stop, turned me over to him, smiled, and pulled my lips down to his, it was the best night ever! I love Harry James Potter!
September 4th
Last night was amazing, but this day has been HELL. I think that every class I had today gave me homework, Romilda still won't lay off Harry, I tripped down the stairs this morning, my bag broke and spilled everything due to tripping down the stairs, it was just horrible. GAHH! Speaking of the spills, I just spilled my ink all over my sheets! This day could not get any worse. At least, I hope it can't. I'm trying to multi-task. I'm working on an essay for Herbology, I'm working on a Defense Against the Dark Arts assignment, and writing in my diary all at once. I was totally right, I knew sixth year would be a living hell.
September 4th
I'm
tired, I want to sleep. I want to sleep with Harry. That's not the
point, I just want to go to bed. I want to see Harry. I want this
homework to do itself. I have two inches left to write on my
Herbology essay, and I have four more questions to answer on my
Defense Against the Dark Arts assignment, and I still haven't even
gotten to my Potions homework, nor my Care of Magical Creatures
homework. It's midnight. I'm so freakin' tired. I moved down to the
common room a little bit ago because my bed was too inviting. Now,
the comfortable couch is calling me, and the warmth of the fire is
calming me, and making me very drowsy.
September 4th
Holy crap! I fell asleep in the common room! Luckily I woke up. It's four in the morning and I didn't get my homework done. I'm so tired though. I'm debating whether or not I should finish it. I woke up because when a house elf was cleaning, it accidentally bumped into my leg, and it said, "so sorry, miss." Then it scurried away. House elves are so cute and polite. Anyway, that's not the point. I have to decide if I am going to spend the rest of the night doing my homework, or go to bed, skip breakfast and lunch to work on it, and get it done that way. Ahh, my eyes and brain are telling me to sleep right now, so I think I'm going to listen to my exhausted brain. I must be really tired if I'm not even talking about Harry right now...
September 5th
Can I just give up completely on school? That's a question I find myself asking a lot lately. It's really hard and super stressful! My mind just can't comprehend. I can't keep up. I'm so lost. I think it has a lot to do with I'm thinking about too many other things, such as Harry. There are some times when I wish I wasn't THIS in love with him. It's pretty bad when you can't even focus on school work anymore! Maybe I can get Harry to be my tutor. Hey, there's hope! If not, oh well, I suppose I'll stoop to Hermione's level and get on my hands and knees and BEG for help. She's always been telling me if I need help to just ask.
September 5th
Never ask my git of a brother for help. Because within the word WRONG spells RON. My thick brother thinks he knows all because he's with Hermione. He says their "study sessions" have really helped him. HA! Those study sessions probably involve learning how to undo her bra sneakily and also more than likely involve some serious snogging lessons. Believe me, I've been there, done that! Unfortunately enough, not with Harry. Meh. I don't even want to remember any past relationships. I don't have to worry about Harry much, though. He's only been with one other girl, and he hates her guts now. HEE HEE! He's all mine!
September 5th
My stomach is in knots. I feel like I'm going to puke. I am so nervous! I don't know what it's like not to have homework done on time! I didn't get my homework done for Transfiguration and Defense Against the Dark Arts! What do the teachers do? Do they give you detention? Do they forget about it? Do they give you extra work? Do they even care? Oh no! I need to stop thinking about Harry and do my work. I need to focus on school work, not on Harry. Harry has my whole heart, but the one thing he can't have is my mind. I need that! I better quit writing in my diary and get busy on my homework so I don't get too far behind.
September 6th
I hate school. I really do. It's too hard. I know I've said this about a million times, but the hate of school intensifies every day. If only school would not have opened. GRR! Then again, if the school hadn't re-opened, I wouldn't be able to see Harry everyday. School interferes with our perfect relationship! It makes me so angry! Harry and I have different class times and it makes it very difficult to spend time with one another. Quidditch try-outs are next week. I am pretty sure I'll get back on the team, because Harry is the Quidditch Captain. There would be something horribly wrong if he didn't let me back on it.
September 6th
I've decided that tonight Harry and I are just going to skip homework and have some fun. It has been too long since our last passionate night. I'm excited! I haven't talked to Harry about it yet, and I know that Hermione would disapprove, but who cares?! Who is she to tell us what to do with our lives? Everyone deserves to have a bit of fun every once and a while, right? Anyway, at dinner tonight I'll discuss this matter with Harry. I'm in great need of Harry's tender kisses! Come to think about it, I haven't spent a whole lot of time with Harry since the day on the train. I mean, I have spent time with Harry, just not nearly as much as before.
September 6th
YES! Harry agreed with me, that we should just forget about the homework tonight and have a little fun of our own! He kissed me at the dinner table and said he misses me and he misses our kisses. Hey! That rhymes! That will be my new rhyme! "Misses our Kisses!" That's great! Haha. I'm very easily amused. So much so, that I can amuse myself with my own stupid quotes! Hee hee! Anyhow, I know that tonight is going to be a great night, because it will involve Harry and I, alone, kissing, and... other... things... Snicker-Snicker I love Harry! I can't wait until seven-thirty, which is the time that we both agreed to meet! It's seven now, so only a half an hour! YES!!!!
September 6th
Oh my GOSH! Tonight was totally AWESOME! We ended up walking to the Room of Requirement to get the ultimate privacy, and wow was that great! The room had turned into something like a hotel suite. There was a luxurious, giant bed with big fluffy pillows everywhere, a hot tub, a giant bathroom, a fireplace with the most comfortable couch I have ever been lucky enough to set my butt upon, house elves serving us butterbeer and biscuts. It was out of this world. Apparently the Room of Requirement noticed that we were really stressed out, and needed to have a very romantic setting to be, so it gave us just that. Anyway, after we were astounded by how amazing the room was, we had our fun. We laid down on the bed together. We snogged quite a bit. I was running my fingers through Harry's beautiful soft hair, he was running his fingers down my back and slowly moving gently up my shirt and began to undo my bra. It was so romantic, so perfect in everyway! It sent chills down my spine! After Harry successfully did that he lifted my shirt over my head and it was off! Then, I helped him take his shirt off. So there we were, topless, snogging. Then, I moved over and Harry was on top of me, and we went under the covers. I don't think I need to get into anymore detail, except that was the most AMAZING it has ever been. Harry agrees. After the fun in the bed, we both relaxed in the hot tub and just talked, snogged, held each other. It was totally awesome. I want to do that again soon. Sadly, the room may never appear to us again. The very thought just makes me cry. But all I know is, that was the most amazing night ever! We fell asleep in there that night, and the room, being magical and knowing what we need most, it gave us an alarm clock, our school robes, and our bookbags. That room is beyond AWESOME!
September 7th
I wish I could have another amazing night like I had last night, but that pleasure has been cut short. Now Harry and I are back to the real world of unending school work. I tell you, it's no fun, but it has to be done. I am terribly afraid to see my last written exam I took, I bet I failed it. I was just so excited about last night that I couldn't focus on any school work. The scary thing is, I had about four! If I end up failing any classes, I know my mum will KILL me! Oh my gosh! I need to keep up with my school work! I know that my relationship with Harry is very serious, but I suppose I would have to say that school is quite important as well.
September 7th
WHAT AM I ON?!?! I need to find the rest of those good drugs. I can't believe in my last diary entry I said I need to focus more on school than on Harry! Wow. I gotta find my stash of those good drugs! School is not my number one priority! HARRY JAMES POTTER IS! I WILL MARRY HIM AS SOON AS SCHOOL IS OVER FOR ME!!! I haven't yet told Harry of our plans of marriage, but I will soon. I doubt he will object. Oh my gosh! Just thinking of us being married, spending the rest of our lives together, it just makes me so HAPPY! I feel tears of joy coming! I seriously need more time alone with Harry. Because without his tender kisses I will die! Yes, I am being overly-dramatic, but it is true, I will just DIE.
September 7th
Ack. We just had dinner. I feel so sick! I think I'm going to throw up. I have been getting horribly ill a lot lately. Perhaps it's stress. I don't know. Icky feeling in my tummy. I wish Harry were here to rub my tummy and make me feel better right now. He would comfort me right now in my time of need and if I were to throw up, he would hold my hair back for me. He's very sweet! Damn. I just feel so ill. Hermione is fetching me a big basin. She's been so nice to me. I feel that Hermione and I are best friends. Although, I have to disagree with her choice of dating a big git, whose name is Ron. If I were her, I'd be after Harry. But, of course, I would have to kill her if it came to that. NO ONE BUT ME SHALL EVER HAVE HARRY! Hee hee! Well, I'm sounding a wee bit evil, but oh well. Oh boy, I think I'm going to lose it! I am going to bed. Goodnight! MEH!
September 8th
Didn't go to classes today. I was sent straight to the
hospital wing this morning. I went to bed last night feeling ill, and
this morning, the minute I woke up, I puked. Hermione walked me up to
the hospital wing. Harry was really concerned, but Hermione calmed
him down by telling him I probably only just caught a bug. It's a
rather nasty bug, then. Never had anything like it. Normally when I'm
sick to my stomach I don't fancy to eat anything, but I am always
REALLY hungry. Then, the moment I give into my hunger, I get ill.
It's simply not fair! I don't have a headache or anything, either.
Just stomach problems. Perhaps I have a stomach virus. Eek!
September
8th
This is rather embarrassing, but it is true... My breasts hurt... Badly. First my stomach was acting up, now that the stomach pains are gone, my breasts hurt. I'm still stuck here in the hospital wing. I've told Madam Pomfrey that my stomach doesn't hurt anymore, but since the potions she has given me didn't help any before, she says she's going to keep me overnight. She reckons it's a stomach virus. If it is, she doesn't want that spreading around the school. She's basically isolating me. But hey, I guess I can't complain too much. I'm catching up on my sleep, finally. And my homework. She brought it up for me to work on.
September 8th
It's so sad. Harry came to visit me after dinner, and Madam Pomfrey turned him away. I think she's afraid of me spreading my sick germs. Next time she comes round I should purposely cough on her. Ha. Nah, I'm not that mean, I may be contagious. Besides, I think she'd have a heart attack. That wouldn't be a very nice thing for me to do. However, turning away the love of my life to comfort me in these horrible stomach spasms was rather mean, too. I'll be the nicer person here and not contaminate her. This early into term, I'm the only one in here. I feel so stupid! I wonder if anyone besides me has even been in here? I'm probably the first victim at the hands of Madam Pomfrey.
September 9th
Madam Pomfrey had no idea what on earth is causing this illness. Nor do I!!! It's really freaking me out! What if it's an undetectable poision that's killing me as we speak!!! Oh my GOSH!!! I'm so scared! If I'm dying, they are forcing me to go to class as I suffer! They are so... so... EVIL! JUST LIKE THE CHICKENS! GAHH! Anyway, I feel like I'm going to puke, my breasts hurt, and, I have the need to eat... A LOT! Not to mention, I can't get a full night's sleep anymore because I wake up with a VERY full bladder, and sometimes, excessive thirst. It totally SUCKS. Hermione won't tell me what she THINKS it is. It's making me MAD!
September 9th
DAMN IT! I know Hermione is super smart, she is probably right on what is causing this horrible illness! BUT SHE REFUSES TO TELL ME!!! She's driving me mad! I shall just bug Hermione forever and ever until she tells me! I'll give her the guilt trip as well, "If you don't tell me, and I die, and you could have helped to prevent it, I will haunt you till you commit suicide. Because I will make you SO GUILTY!" Haha, I am SO EVIL! And so... sick. In both ways... Hee hee. Just kidding. Man, I think I'm going to puke again. Damn, it's not even first period yet. ACK! How am I going to make it through the day?
September 9th
Classes are FINALLY done for today. I got to the common room first and plopped my butt on that couch and moaned and groaned in pain. My tummy hurt so bad! Harry came in and rubbed my tummy for me. He kissed my forehead and told me that everything would be alright and that I'm not going to die. He kissed me and gave me food and escorted me to the restroom as I had to pee yet again. He spent the whole evening with me. He's so sweet. I love him. I can't wait to marry him! I am somewhat worried, though. After he thought I went upstairs to bed, he was having a very serious chat with Hermione. He looked very scared. Not to mention, weirdly enough, somewhat happy. I am so confused. I think my illness is causing me to have irregular periods. I haven't gotten mine yet... I hope this sickness goes away soon.
September 10th
Harry came up to me this morning and gave me a great big hug and a kiss and kept on smiling. He couldn't stop. He kept staring at my tummy. Am I getting fat? Oh well, mustn't worry about little things like that. I just want to feel better. I'm feeling so ill lately that I can't even think logically. Classes are so hard when you constantly don't feel right. I'm really scared! I don't know what's wrong with me! I need help! Maybe I do need to go back to the hospital wing! I should talk to Harry tonight. Just to see what he thinks. I think Hermione knows exactly what is wrong with me! Wait... She was talking to Harry! He looked scared at first, then he looked happy! What could this mean? Does Harry want me... dead?
September 10th
I am SO scared. Before I could even bring up to Harry that I wanted to speak with him alone, he told me that HE wanted to talk with me, completely alone. He said that absolutely no one but Hermione could hear this. Not even Ron. Now I'm REALLY scared! He won't even tell my own brother? But he'll tell HERMIONE!!! There is something VERY WRONG about this picture! Okay... I am so heartbroken to say this, but I think Harry and Hermione have this thing going on and they need to kill me off! That's why they can't let Ron come! Oh my gosh! I need my wand. I will never let them do this to me! She can't steal Harry away from me!
September 10th
Oh my gosh... It was so obvious. I never thought of it, but it couldn't have been more plain. I'm pregnant. I didn't think that I could get pregnant, but I guess I can. I feel so silly now for suspecting what I did. They didn't blame me. They knew I was thinking something else was wrong, so they explained it very fast. I took a pregnancy test. It's positive. I'm about a month, month and a half pregnant already. It's so amazing. I have mine and Harry's child in my belly! I am so happy! I am so excited! Now Harry couldn't possibly desert me! Now we have to be married! Oh happy, happy day! I'm PREGNANT!!!
September 11th
I never thought of what my family is going to say about this... I mean, Ron will KILL Harry. Ron didn't like it when Harry merely KISSED me. Now he's really going to kill Harry when he found out we... erm... Did stuff. Much bigger stuff than just kissing. Heh-hem... OH MY GOSH! MUM AND DAD ARE GOING TO KILL HARRY! I think they might just remove certain parts! Mum won't love Harry anymore! Oh no, oh no, oh no! I'm so scared! I know! I just won't tell anyone until it's absolutely too far along to hide! I am so nervous! Hermione said I should keep as calm as possible. Being really nervous and tense is bad for the baby.
September 11th
Gahh! I am already feeling bad enough about this the way it is, and Hermione just clicks her tounge at me in disappointment. Though she comforts Harry. HELLO! It takes TWO to tango! I didn't do this to MYSELF! I mean, she comforts me, but not as nicely as Harry. Perhaps it's all in my mind. I haven't a clue. I tend to overreact a lot. I am just so SCARED! When I can't hide it anymore, what am I going to say? At least I should have at least a couple of months to either save Harry from either death, or losing a very precious part of his manhood. And save ridicule and hatred from my family.
September 11th
School is so hard to manage when you're pregnant. Especially when you have to hide it. People keep backing away from me when I fall ill, afraid that they will catch my "stomach virus." For the fear of Harry and I, I sort of wish it were only a stomach virus now. I am so afraid of the consequences. I hate how difficult life tends to be. It gets you backed into these little corners and you just can't get out. And you just keep falling deeper and deeper into that hole and you have no way to escape. You feel as if the only way out of that hole is death. Suicide. But, I have this baby to think of now, I mustn't think that way. Harry will be with me forever now. We are already starting a family.
September 12
Well... Madam Pomfrey knows now. Harry insisted I go talk to her. She swore to me she would not tell my family, but also made me promise that I would tell them before it was really obvious. I did get quite the talk from Madam Pomfrey about how big of a situation this is, and how "little girls" should not be doing such things. She also said I was being "sinful." Forgive me, please! I make mistakes! Does no one realize how much I regret my actions?! If only I could take it back, I would! I would give ANYTHING to take it back. People don't understand how I can never forgive myself anymore for doing this! I'm sorry!
September 12
I need Hermione's Time-turner! I need to reverse time! I need to take back everything! I can't live with myself. It's not the baby making me sick anymore, I'm sick with myself. GAAH! The person who I hate the most, who I've hated my whole life, who I'm stuck with my whole life, is me. I absolutely hate myself. I hate everything about me! I'm everything I hate. WHY ME? I can't do anything to harm myself! I have to think of the baby! Oh God, I can't do this! I can't climb out of this hole! The hole only grows larger and I'm more stuck than ever before. I need God to take my hand. Not even Harry can help me now.
September 12
I want to die. I want nothing more. I need out of this hole! There is only one way out. One exit. One escape. The oxygen is being taken out of my lungs, I can't breathe! All I can do is cry! What kind of life have I lived? What kind of life is this for a child? I don't want to ruin another person's life, as I have ruined everyone else's. God, what have I done? Oh God, please help me... I can't breathe. I can't live with myself. I can't sleep at night. I need a resolution. I need the end. What else is there for me? I just don't see anything for me. It's the way it was before. I will never be cured of this. It's time to say good-bye.
September 13
September 13
Harry saw that I was rather distraught and came to comfort me. I feel a little better now. He assured me that nothing would go wrong throughout the pregnancy. I told him that I was considering abortion. He kind of scared me when he replied very quickly and sounded kind of mean, "NO." Okay then, I won't. I will have this baby and I won't ever bring up the fact that I had ever thought of having an abortion. Harry must have some very strong oppositions towards abortion. My mother raised me to think that abortion is wrong anyway. If she were to ever find out that I had an abortion, my mother would take my life for taking my child's.
September 13
I just wish that people would understand how hard life is sometimes, though. I mean, Harry helped me through it in a way, but in another way he upset me more. He helped me feel comforted because he told me that I'm not alone, that he is here for me, that he will always be here for me, that my mother will not castrate him for this... Although, how does HE know that, it is MY mother after all... See, now we're getting into how he upsets me... He doesn't know this stuff! He doesn't have a clue how this feels! He doesn't know what it's like to be a girl! He doesn't know what it's like to be pregnant.
September 13
I must get these suicidal thoughts out of my brain! They're driving me insane! I can't take this anymore! I can't do anything to harm myself. For one, I can't harm the baby, for two, I never want to end back where I was. However, If I KILLED myself, I wouldn't have to worry about it. Everything would be over, done. If I were dead I wouldn't have to worry about the guilt of killing my child, because I would die with my child, and I wouldn't have to worry about going to the insane asylum because I would be going six feet under. Nothing else to worry about... Yet, I CAN'T THINK THIS WAY! I JUST CAN'T!! Please please please please please let someone, something, ANYTHING help me through this. I need help.