Catcher in the Rye

Original novel by J.D. Salinger

Angel

I had nowhere to go. I couldn't have gone back home, I couldn't have gone to Mr. Antolini's place and I couldn't have slept at the train station since I got kicked out last time. It was pretty close to Christmas so the weather was snowy and cold. The only hat I had was my red hunting hat and sometimes I would walk around without anything to cover my ears. I was feeling so goddam lonely that I decided to take a walk around some shops and count how many phonies I see.

It seemed less crowded than usual. Maybe it's because it was a Friday afternoon and kids were at school, parents at work. I was walking down the street, staring at people inside the glass doors shopping for items, Christmas gifts probably. It made me wonder if I should buy Phoebe or my parents something for Christmas. I stopped and looked to my left; there was a clothing shop that sold dresses. It sort of reminded me of Sunny, which made me feel even more depressed. I was thinking of buying Phoebe one of those dresses but she probably wouldn't wear it. I decided to just take a look and not buy anything. I was pretty low on dough after all.

There were only women and young girls inside. I was the only guy and it made me feel a little uncomfortable. Just when I was about to walk out the door, something caught my eye. There was this girl checking out some dresses and she took out a simple pastel purple one. I don't know why she caught my eye, perhaps because she was somewhere around my age and should have been at school. I sort of just stood there and watched her pick out more dresses; I didn't have anything better to do. Plus, it was warm in the store.

One of the employees came over and asked if she could help me. I said no thanks and pretended to search for a dress. The girl was still taking a century picking out her own dress. She finally took 3 dresses and went into the changing rooms to try them on. A while later, she came out, wearing the pastel purple dress that I saw her choose. It was simple, with straps around her shoulder and had several layers on the bottom, reaching right above her knees. She looked so good in it that I don't know how long I stared. It must have been a long time because she walked over and asked me what I thought.

"Buy it," was all I said to her since I felt like I had been woken from a dream. I stared straight into her blue eyes. She had dark straight hair that went halfway down her back and wore light face makeup. I don't like it when women wear too much makeup. It just makes them look older and more like a slut.

I hate getting caught off guard. Back in Pencey, I'd fall asleep during math class. The teacher would purposely call on me to answer a question, clearly knowing that I fell asleep. What a cheap ass. Boy, did I feel lousy thinking back on my old school. I wondered if people would miss me back there; probably not. Maybe Ackley would, but Stradlater definitely wouldn't. I started to think back on the time Jane went out on a date with him, imagined all the crumby things he would do with her, and it made me feel even lousier.

I lifted my head and the girl was walking out the store. I waited a few seconds before following her out to not look suspicious. I'm not sure why, but I felt so lonely and depressed that I really didn't care whether she saw me stalking her or not. She took such a goddam long time looking around at the other shops that her blue pom-pom hat was turning white because of the snow. I wondered how my hair looked when it was completely white.

I suddenly started to panic. My mother was shopping for Christmas gifts in a clothing shop. She was looking through male sweaters and it made me wonder if she would buy me a Christmas present this year. It made me feel so depressed thinking that she would buy me a present but I would never go back home again. I thought about buying my family presents again, and decided to go the next day. I just felt so horrible this day and I started to run- towards nowhere. I went completely crazy. I wanted to scream but I held it in along with my tears. I just ran and ran.

I think I did cry in the end because when I woke up, my face was wet and the sky was dark. I checked my watch and it was 6:37p.m. I was lying on the ground at the lagoon where the ducks would have been swimming in the summer. I started to think about the ducks again and where they would go. Who will take care of them? Would they be able to take care of themselves? I thought back on the time I asked a cab driver about them. He got all sore about it and started to talk about the fish. I didn't want to know about the fish. I wanted to know about the ducks.

My ears were freezing. It was evening and nobody was around so I put on my hunting hat. I got up and sat on the ground, wondering what to do if my mother did see me at the shop. I'm pretty sure she didn't, but I started to picture what would happen to me if she did. If anyone came to get me, I would knock 'em dead and catch the train. I'd get off in the middle of nowhere and live in the woods. I'd build myself a good cabin and live there forever. I would fish during the winter and hunt animals in the summer, with my red hunting hat on.

Footsteps behind me stopped me from daydreaming. They were light and walking slowly, closer and closer.

"Whatcha thinkin' about?" said a familiar, innocent, female voice behind me. I quickly turned around and I gasped. It was that girl I met earlier.

"The ducks," I said, staring at her with a surprised look. She was also a little astonished, but glad to see that it was me. "My name's Holden."

"Hi Holden," she said, smiling. "What about the ducks?"

"Well I wonder where they go in the winter and who's gonna take care of them."

"You're worried about them?"

"Yes."

"They'll be fine over the winter. They can take care of themselves. Each of them have a good pair of wings- they'll get up and put them to good use."

Her words were both convincing and reassuring. She said it like she meant it- and I, for once, knew that I would be fine as well.

She reached out her hand, I took it and she pulled me up. She was as good-looking as she was earlier. I didn't feel so lonely anymore. Maybe I could have a decent conversation with her.

"I was just thinking… would you like to have a drink with me?"

"I don't drink," she said nicely, still smiling, "but you can join me for supper if you'd like."

"Sure, it'll be on me. Where do you wanna go?"

"Let's go get pizza."

"Pizza? Okay whatever you want."

She didn't even want to go to a restaurant that was just a little bit expensive. Most of the time when you have dinner with a girl, they choose the most expensive restaurant, as long as you're paying for it. That's when I remembered I didn't even ask her what her name was.

"What's your name?"

"Angel," she said, turning her head so she can look me in the eyes.

"That's a nice name," I said. "Is it your real name?" I had a feeling she was lying.

"No, it's not," she said turning away. She was such a bad liar.

About an hour later we finished eating. I wanted to see how long I could stay in the pizza restaurant for to stay warm. There was no chance that I'd go back home or to Mr. Antolini's place.

"Why aren't you leaving?" Angel noticed that I didn't bother moving while she was while putting her coat on.

"Why would I? I've got nowhere to go," I looked away, slouching, and I put my head down into my folded arms on the table. She was silent for a moment. Then she said:

"You can stay at my place."

I lifted my head up and looked at her. She was smiling again. Oh what the hell, she's so innocent. I kind of wanted to go, but I don't think her folks would be alright with a guy sleeping over.

"Is it ok with your parents?"

"Sure."

"Really?"

"Yeah why not."

"Ok then."

"It's not too far from here. Let's go."

Angel lived alone in a small 2-room and 1 bathroom apartment building. It was on ground floor which worried me but she said it was the cheapest, and that's all she was able to afford. She told me briefly about her family, how her parents abandoned her because she couldn't live up to their expectations- and they left with her older brother to Hollywood so he can pursue his acting career over there. It reminded me of D.B., so I told her about it. She said she was sorry, and tried to make me feel better. It's weird how you can tell a stranger some things that you wouldn't tell your own family. It's been 2 years since her parents left her in New York, and since then she's been able to support herself by part-time jobs. She still goes to school and lives a regular life. It was a coincidence that she had a day off today.

I knew there was one part that she left out- a 16-yr-old girl can't survive on just part-time jobs while they go to school. It didn't make sense. I didn't want to question her any further because I realized how painful it was for her to tell me about her brother and her parents, so I decided to ask her another time. Also I didn't want her to think I'm some hobo that stalks random girls.

Angel had one bed in her room and said I could sleep on it tonight while she slept in the living room. I told her it was alright that I'd sleep on the couch but she insisted because I was the guest. It's been a long time since someone's been nice to me. I hope she didn't pity me; pity is for phonies and it was the last thing I needed.