The Building
I own no Seinfeld characters period. George plays polo, Kramer starts a newspaper, Jerry and Elaine get interrogated. I did this one very fast any spelling errors or grammar errors are due to lack of time and not lack of brains. Please review and be honest I can take it. I think it could have been funnier let me know what you think.
Jerry is sitting on his couch reading the paper when Kramer enters in his usual way.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: Kramer.
Kramer: What you doing, reading the paper?
Jerry: What gave it away.
Kramer: You know I always wanted to be a newspaper reporter.
Jerry: You Kramer, I'm surprised.
Kramer: Let me tell you something Jerry back in grade school I was the editor of the PS120 daily Buzzing Bee.
Jerry: Oh yeah the Buzzing Bee wasn't that the original paper that broke the Watergate scandal.
Kramer: Very funny, first off it was Lomez who was Deep throat.
Jerry: Lomez was Deep throat, how is that possible?
Kramer: Lomez told me.
Jerry: Of course I should of known.
Kramer: You know what, I think I'll start a building newspaper. This way I can let the people know the seedy side of what goes on here.
Jerry: Why you looking at me Scoop.
Kramer: Come on Jerry you're not home at night, woman coming and going, hanging out at seedy clubs and bars what's going on? Plus that relationship with Elaine, people want to know.
Jerry: What people?
Kramer: Oh People.
Jerry: Kramer!
The buzzer sounds.
Jerry: Yeah.
It's George on the other end Jerry, buzzes him in and unlocks the door.
Kramer: I'm going to borrow your typewriter.
Jerry: Kramer I don't have a typewriter it's the 21st century.
Kramer: Interesting.
George walks in.
George: Jerry I got a problem a big problem.
Jerry: What you woke up and realized your hair was never coming back.
George: I'm serious.
Jerry: What?
George: You know that girl I'm dating Matilda.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: I told her I played Polo and now she wants me to play on her fathers team this weekend.
Kramer: You play Polo, George your too chubby.
Jerry: Just tell her the truth.
George: Jerry if I wanted to tell her the truth I never would of asked her out in the first place.
Jerry: You know George maybe its time to reel in your lies.
George: Jerry, I told her one little lie.
Jerry: If I remember correctly you also told her you were related to Ben Kinglsy.
Kramer: I didn't know that George, wow I'd like to meet him.
Jerry: There not related!
George: You don't know I might be.
Jerry: Yeah you're about as related to Ben Kingsley as Lomez is Deep Throat.
Kramer: Come on Jerry don't tell people that it's supposed to be a secret.
George: Anyway what am I going to do?
Jerry: Well I can't help you my people don't play Polo.
Kramer: I can help.
George: How?
Kramer: My friend Bob Sacamano he used to play Polo for his collage team and he has a horse.
George: Can he help me out.
Jerry: Bob Sacamano went to collage?
Kramer: Oh yeah, graduated in the top of his class.
Jerry: From where?
Kramer: B.C.
Jerry: Boston Collage?
Kramer: No, Binghamton Community.
Jerry: Oh that explains it.
George: So can he help me out.
Kramer: I'll talk to him.
Jerry: This sounds like a great idea.
George: Where's he keep his horse.
Kramer: In his apartment, he made a barn for him in his spare bedroom
Jerry: And his landlord has no problem with that.
Kramer: Jerry it's his apartment he can do whatever he wants. He also rents his hall closet out to a family of immigrants from Sri Lanka.
Jerry: Of course he does it's Bob Sacamano.
Kramer: You got that right.
George: Listen Kramer I have to practice before Saturday.
Jerry: George have you ever ridden a horse before?
George: No but why should that matter.
Jerry: It shouldn't.
Kramer: Ok I'm out of here compadres.
George: Kramer don't forget me I need that horse.
Kramer: Giddyup.
Kramer leaves.
George: So what are you doing tonight?
Jerry: I have a date with Cassie.
George: Cassie who's she?
Jerry: Get this she works for the Secret Service.
George: She protects the President?
Jerry: No. But she does carry a gun.
George: Where'd you meet her?
Jerry: The bank, she was behind me in line I let her cut in.
George: Wow, are Federal agents allowed to cut in line, I thought that would go against their policy.
Jerry: I think it's FBI Agents who cant cut lines Secret Service and CIA can.
The door open s and it's Elaine.
Jerry: How'd you get in?
Elaine: Kramer was leaving said he was working on a hot story.
Jerry: Hot story probably found out Newman is pre reading his neighbors porn.
George: Ok I'll see you later.
Elaine: What's the rush George?
Jerry: Our man George has to practice his swing for the big Polo tournament this weekend.
Elaine: George play Polo. (starts laughing)
George: What's so funny Elaine, my manliness intimidates you.
Elaine: No more like the thought of you on a horse.
George: We'll see who's laughing last Baby!
George walks out of the apartment.
Elaine: He's not serious about playing Polo is he.
Jerry: Unfortunately yes.
Elaine: Any way what are you doing now?
Jerry: Nothing.
Elaine: Want to come with me I have to get a new cell phone, Aubrey my boyfriend crushed it when we were you know.
Jerry: I can't believe your dating a guy named Aubrey.
Elaine: Aubrey is a very smart name.
Jerry: Any way you broke your phone during sex how's that happen?
Elaine: We were on the bed I forgot I had it in my pocket it fell out and Auby...
Jerry: Hold it you call him Auby, what is he a horse? Maybe George can ride him in his Polo match.
Elaine: Anyway, Auby rolled on it and it snapped in half.
Jerry: Good thing it was just your cell phone that fell out.
Elaine: What's that supposed to mean.
Jerry: I have no idea.
Elaine: Jerry, you should come with me and get one, every body has one.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: A cell phone.
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: What if there's an emergency?
Jerry: Like what Kramer calls to tell me I'm out of milk.
Elaine: You know what Jerry you're afraid of progress.
Jerry: I am not.
Elaine: Then get a phone.
Jerry: Never!
Elaine: Why, you're like the last person in this city not to have one.
Jerry: Kramer doesn't have one.
Elaine: He doesn't count.
Jerry: What about George?
Elaine: He doesn't count either, so come on get one. Aubrey has two cell phones.
Jerry: What does Aubrey do for a living.
Elaine: Whatever he does.
Jerry: Which is?
Elaine: He manages a grocery store.
Jerry: Oh so he's on twenty four hour call incase a load of lettuce comes in wilted.
Elaine: Very funny. So come with me.
Jerry: Never! I shall stay Cell phone free.
Elaine: Fine!
Elaine leaves the apartment.
****
Jerry is at a restaurant with Cassie, they are sitting facing each other.
Jerry: I can't believe you're a Secret Service agent.
Cassie: What's their not to believe.
Jerry: Does this mean if someone try's to shoot me you'll take the bullet for me.
Cassie: No, you're on your own.
Jerry: You mean to tell me if some guy pulls out a gun you'll let him shoot me.
Cassie: Pretty much.
Jerry: Well that throws a crimp into the whole date.
Cassie: Jerry I work mail fraud.
Jerry: Oh all right.
As Jerry and Cassie are sitting, Kramer walks in.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: Kramer what are you doing here, I'm on a date.
Kramer: Nothing just passing by.
Kramer takes out his camera and snaps a picture of Jerry and his date, then Kramer runs out of the restaurant.
Cassie jumps on Jerry like she was going to take a bullet for him.
Cassie: What was that all about.
Jerry: Hey you protected me.
Cassie: I did not it was just a natural reaction from my training.
Jerry: So you would take a bullet for me?
****
The next day George is in Central Park waiting for Kramer to show up with the horse. A few seconds' later Kramer walks up to George with an old gray over weight horse.
George: What's this?
Kramer: This is Milk Dud.
George: It looks like he ate about a ton of milk duds, I can't bring this horse to the polo match.
Kramer: George, this horse used to be ranked number one in polo.
George: When during the Koch administation.
Kramer: Possibly.
George: Great Kramer I got a horse who's two weeks from the dog food factory.
Kramer: Bob Sacamano told me once he starts playing he'll be a spark plug on the field. So come on mount him and see what he has. Lets Go!
George mounts the horse and Kramer hands him a Helmut and mallet he places a ball on the ground.
Kramer: Ok George hit the ball then go get it.
George takes a swing at the ball and falls off the horse, the horse never moves.
Kramer: Ok we'll try again tomorrow it looks like Milk Dud is winded.
George: Winded! From what breathing.
****
Jerry and Cassie are sitting on the couch when there's a knock on the door. Jerry walks over and answers it.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: What do you want.
Newman: Have you seen Kramer?
Jerry: No.
Jerry shuts the door but Newmans foot is in the way. Newman looks over Jerry's shoulder and sees Cassie sitting there.
Newman: Who's that another girl on the clock.
Jerry: What?
Newman: Nothing. Oh by the way I have something for you courtesy of Tony Spunelli.
Newman reaches into his inside pocket Cassie sees this and runs over and jumps on Jerry to protect him.
Newman: What's going on here Seinfeld! Some sick perverted sexual fantasy of yours. I knew it was all true. Here.
Newman throws Jerry the latest Superman Comic, then walks out. Jerry picks it us and looks at the cover.
Jerry: Oh look it's a cross over between Superman and Batman.
Cassie gets up.
Jerry: You did it again.
Cassie: It's just a natural reaction.
Jerry: Maybe once but two times. It's like having my own personal bodyguard.
Cassie: Ok I'm out of here.
Jerry: Next time can you wear your ear piece and talk into your cuffs.
Cassie leaves.
A few seconds later the buzzer goes off, it's Elaine and Jerry buzzes her in.
Elaine: Hey did you read your edition of the Building Times.
Jerry: Building Times?
Elaine: Yeah you know your apartment building newspaper, your on the front cover something about how you spend all your money on cheap hookers and booze.
Jerry: Kramer!
Elaine: Listen to this, "Last night a surprised Jerry Seinfeld was caught off guard with an exotic girl in a very secluded restaurant on the West Side"
Jerry: Kramer!
Elaine: It goes on to say how you spend your nights out in seedy clubs and bars.
Jerry grabs the paper from Elaine, on the cover is a picture of Jerry with the back of Cassies head. He starts reading the article, the door opens and in walks Kramer in his usual way, wearing a gray raincoat with a hat that says Press.
Kramer: I see you got the first issue of the Building Times.
Jerry: Kramer you can't print stories that aren't true.
Kramer: Name one thing that's not true?
Jerry: The whole article isn't true.
Kramer: Come on Jerry all reporters add a little flash to their writing.
Jerry: Oh yeah it's true that I own a rabbit foot farm where I slaughter baby rabbits just for the feet. Then feed the legless rabbits to Kimono Dragons in China town.
Kramer: It could be true how would I know?
Jerry: You wrote it Kramer!
Elaine: Calm down Jerry do you honestly think people are going to read this.
Jerry: Calm down, you know your mentioned in it. "Jerry is always visited by his number one girl Elaine"
Elaine: What's so bad about that
Jerry: Wait I didn't finish. "A former employee at the Sweet Times Ranch in Nevada where she was so popular she had her own trailer to meet customers".
Elaine: Kramer! How could you.
Kramer: Wait a second I didn't write that. Oh yeah I did.
Elaine: You better print a retraction.
Kramer: Retraction! What's that?
Elaine: You idiot!
****
George is in his car dropping Matilda off at her apartment.
Matilda: So George you ready for the big Polo match Saturday.
George: Looking forward to it dear.
Matilda: Ok my dad can't wait.
George: Me either.
Matilda: You think your cousin Ben Kinglsey will show up.
George: Yeah I called him he's shooting a movie in the Czech Republic.
Matilda: To bad I always wanted to meet him.
George: Maybe another time.
****
George is back in Central Park with Kramer. George is sitting on Milk Dud.
Kramer: Ok George hit the ball with the Mallet.
George takes a swing and falls off the horse, his foot gets stuck and he is laying on the ground the horse doesn't move.
George: Kramer get my foot unstuck!
Kramer runs over to unhook George's leg from the stirrup.
Kramer: That was better.
George: Better! Better! Ho Ho! When I get up I'm going to kick this horse in it's ASSSSssssssss.....
The horse takes off with George attached and Kramer on top of him.
****
It's the next day, Jerry is in his apartment when Kramer comes in.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: Did you print the retraction?
Kramer: No, I will today after the big press conference.
Jerry: What Press conference.
Kramer: At the UN with President Bush.
Jerry: Your going to the UN to ask the President questions.
Kramer: Of course I'm the press Jerry see.
Kramer pulls out a press I.D. photo card from around his neck.
Jerry: How did you get this?
Kramer: I told you Lomez was Deep Throat he has connections.
Jerry: And what are you going to ask the President if he evens picks you.
Kramer: Oh I have some very important questions that need answers.
The buzzer goes off. Jerry answers it, on the other end is Cassie Jerry buzzes her up.
Jerry: What specifically are you going to ask him.
Kramer: Oh you'll see.
Cassie enters.
Cassie: Jerry guess what, I have to go to the UN the President is giving a Press Conference and I was asked to do guard duty. I can't believe it I get to protect the Big Cheese.
Jerry: You call the President the Big Cheese?
Cassie: Yeah, all Presidents are known as the Big Cheese.
Jerry: Even Clinton?
Cassie: No he was known as Head Cheese.
Jerry: I can see that.
Kramer: I don't get it.
Cassie: Any way, so I have to cancel for today.
Kramer: Hey I'm headed there myself.
Kramer takes out his press pass. Cassie looks at it.
Cassie: The Building Times? What kind of paper is that.
Kramer reaches in his inside coat pocket to take it out.
Jerry: No need to show the paper Kramer. Let's just say it's a very specialized newspaper.
Cassie: Ok I have to get to the UN.
Kramer: Can you give me a lift.
Cassie: Sure.
The two leave.
****
George pulls up to the parking lot of the West Hempstead Country Club with a horse trailer attached to his car. He parks and takes Milk Dud out and mounts the horse and rides him into the club. He goes to the polo field and no one is there.
Groundskeeper: Can I help you?
George: I'm supposed to be playing in a Polo event today I must be early.
GK: There's no event scheduled for today.
George: Are you sure?
GK: Yes I'm sure, unless you play water polo.
George: Water Polo, where's the pool.
The groundskeeper points and George goes in the direction. At the pool there are a group of men playing water polo, and Matilda is in the stands.
Matilda: George!
George: Matilda, you said Polo.
Matilda: Yeah Polo Water polo.
George: You never said water.
Matilda: I thought it was self explanatory.
A man walks up to George.
Man: Excuse me sir you cant have a horse at the pool.
George: Yeah, one second.
Man: Now or I'll kick your horse in the ass!
The horse hears this and goes up on it's hind legs then you hear a splash.
****
Jerry is in his apartment watching the news when George comes in soaking wet.
Jerry: George what happened to you?
George: What happened, What happened! It was water polo not horse polo.
Jerry: So?
George: So, some jerk called Milk Dud an ass and he wound up jumping in the pool and lets just say Matildas father should regain use of his left leg in a few weeks.
Jerry: So a horse gets insulted if you call him an ass, that's interesting. I wonder in you call a pure bred dog a mutt they'll also get upset.
George: I would imagine (angry).
Jerry: What happened to the horse.
George: It sunk like a rock.
Jerry: Does Bob Sacamano know you killed his horse.
George: Yeah, he got four dollars a pound from some dog food company.
Jerry sees the Presidents press conference starting. To the left of the President is Cassie.
Jerry: Hey look there's Cassie.
George: She's pretty for a Secret Service agent.
Jerry turns up the sound.
President Bush: And with that said I will now take your questions.
You can hear in the background people yelling to be picked on.
Pres. Bush: You sir.
Kramer: Cosmo Kramer the Building Times.
Pres. Bush: Yes (makes a confused face).
Kramer: Why is it there are no bills for 99 cents, you know when you buy something and its one dollar and ninety nine cents, then you get handed a penny back, why is that?
Pres. Bush: What paper are you with?
Kramer: The Building Times maybe you read our expose on Jerry Seinfeld.
Pres. Bush: Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Kramer!
Jerry's parents condo in Florida.
Morty: Look at this the President just mentioned Jerry.
Mrs. Seinfeld: It must be another Jerry not our son.
Morty: I thinks its Jerry, Kramer asked the question.
Elaine is in bed with Aubrey watching the press conference.
Elaine: Is that Kramer, did he just mention Jerry.
Aubrey: You know him.
Elaine: The paper!
Aubrey: What paper?
Back at the press conference.
Pres. Bush: Who is Jerry Seinfeld?
Kramer reaches in his raincoat and pulls a copy of the paper.
Kramer: Here you can read all about him.
The President motions to and aide and she walks over and grabs the paper from him. President Bush then scans the front-page article and whispers something to one of his aides.
Pres. Bush: Any other questions Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: Yes just one when will the Government stop spying on all of us through our television sets.
Pres. Bush: We don't do that.
The President makes gesture with his head to his aide.
******
Jerry: I can't believe Kramer gave the president a copy of that newspaper.
George: What paper?
Jerry: This.
Jerry hands George a copy of the Building Times. George looks over the front page article about Jerry.
George: Is this true you have rabbit foot farm and you didn't let me in with you.
Jerry: Yeah George, I slaughter the rabbits in my bedroom. It's all lies!
A few hours later there is a knock on Jerry's door, he opens it and standing there are two men and Cassie.
Jerry: Hello.
Agent 1: Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yes.
Agent 1: I'm Agent Marlow, this is agent Powers and you know Cassie.
Jerry: Yes, is their some problem.
Marlow: Where going to need you to come with us.
Cassie: I can't believe I dated a sicko like you .
Jerry: It was lies, he was supposed to print a retraction.
Powers: Lets go!
Jerry: Kramer!
Jerry is a room with just a desk when the door opens.
Marlow: Sit here and we'll be right back.
Jerry: Elaine they got you to.
Elaine: Yeah and the worst part is Aubrey broke up with me when the Secret Service came to my apartment. You could of at least called me.
Jerry: I didn't have a phone.
Elaine: See I told you to get a cell phone.
Jerry: Why'd he break up with you.
Elaine: He said he didn't want to be dragged down in my seedy past.
Jerry: You cant blame him.
The door opens and Marlow and Powers walks in.
Marlow: We spoke to one of your naibhors who collaborated the story.
Jerry: Who?
Marlow: Lets just say he's also on Uncle Sam's Payroll.
Jerry: Newman!
Jerry: Just talk to Kramer he can straighten out the whole thing.
Elaine: You now you look a little like Vin Diesel with hair (looking at agent Powers).
Powers: I get that a lot.
Marlow: No you don't.
Jerry: Listen just speak to Kramer.
Powers: We can't he's on Airforce One with the Big Cheese headed towards China.
Jerry: China?
Powers: He's in the Press Corp.
Elaine: Come on you can call Airforce one, please Vin.
Powers: Ok one call if he doesn't retract what he wrote your both going to Gauntonimo.
Jerry: Then you should investigate Newman.
A few minutes later Jerry and Elaine are on the street.
Jerry: I cant believe you took his phone number.
Elaine: Why not.
As there about to start to walk they see Newman being brought in the building.
Newman: I didn't do anything! Jerry, Elaine help, tell them I didn't do anything.
Jerry stops in front of them.
Jerry: I never saw this man before in my life.
Newman: Jerry!
Elaine: So it's over with Cassie?
Jerry: She said since I'll be under twenty four hour surveillance for the next few years it would cause a conflict of interest.
Elaine: Yeah I can see that.
*****
George is at Monks with Matilda.
George: Again I apologize, I just assumed you meant regular polo.
Matilda: Well alright.
As they get back to there meals Ben Kingsley walks by.
Matilda: Isn't that your cousin, Ben Kingsley.
George: Where, him no.
Matilda: Yeah then why is he signing an autograph. Come on George introduce me.
George: He's busy.
Matilda: George, you owe me.
George gets up and walks over to Ben Kingsley, he them points to Matilda. A few seconds later Ben Kingsley pushes George and storms out of Monks.
Matilda: What happened.
George: We were never very close lots of family jealousy issues.
Matilda: He acted as if he didn't even know you.
George: Yeah, well he still hasn't got over the fact I have more hair than him.
Matilda: You know George I don't think you two are related.
George: Oh where related.
Matilda: You know I think I will find out for my self.
Before George could say anything Matilda was already outside talking to Ben Kingsley. A few seconds later she walks back in.
Matilda: You two aren't related you lied George.
George: We could be.
Ben Kingsley sticks his head in Monks.
Ben Kingsly: Our cab is here Matilda. Oh and by the way there is no way we could be related just look at your self you look like a washed up architect.
*****
On board airforce One, Kramer is walking down the isle looking for the bath room when he finds one.
Kramer: Oh mama a bathtub.
President Bush about a half hour later walks in the bathroom and sees Kramer sitting in the tub smoking a cigar.
Pres. Bush. Mr. Kramer this is my private bathroom.
Kramer: How was I supposed to know?
Pres. Bush: The seal on the door and the sign that reads Presidents Bush's private bathroom. Now get dressed!
Kramer: I cant I was washing my clothes while I was taking a bath see.
Kramer holds up his clothes. President Bush picks up the phone and calls the Secret Service.
Jerry, Elaine and George are at Monks.
George: Hey what ever happened to Newman and Kramer?
Jerry: You know I have no idea.
All of a sudden a phone rings.
Elaine: What's that.
George: It's a phone.
Elaine: It's coming from you (looking at Jerry).
Jerry: What?
Elaine: You got a cell phone.
Jerry: Yes I did!
Elaine: I thought you were never going to get one.
Jerry: I lied I always had a cell phone! I can't live with out it.
Jerry answers the phone.
Jerry: Hello.
Kramer: Jerry you got help me I'm in China.
Jerry: Kramer how'd you get this number?
Kramer: Lomez.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: The President said my Newspaper wasn't a real paper, so he threw me off the jet, now I'm stuck in Beijing (crying).
Jerry: That's not good.
Kramer: I know. You have to send me money to get out of here if not I'll be put to work in factory making sneakers.
Jerry: Try and get me few pairs.
Kramer: Jerry!
Jerry: Alright!
In the background Jerry hears some people talking Chinese to Kramer:
Kramer: How to say giddyup up in Chinese?
This is where the commercial come in right before the end of the show.
Newman is in a cell at Guantanamo Bay Cuba sitting on a chair when the door opens.
Guard: Newman we thought you were lonely so we got you a roommate, meet Mustafa.
Mustafa: ALA-AKBAR!
Newman: Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! JERRY! Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
The End
I own no Seinfeld characters period. George plays polo, Kramer starts a newspaper, Jerry and Elaine get interrogated. I did this one very fast any spelling errors or grammar errors are due to lack of time and not lack of brains. Please review and be honest I can take it. I think it could have been funnier let me know what you think.
Jerry is sitting on his couch reading the paper when Kramer enters in his usual way.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: Kramer.
Kramer: What you doing, reading the paper?
Jerry: What gave it away.
Kramer: You know I always wanted to be a newspaper reporter.
Jerry: You Kramer, I'm surprised.
Kramer: Let me tell you something Jerry back in grade school I was the editor of the PS120 daily Buzzing Bee.
Jerry: Oh yeah the Buzzing Bee wasn't that the original paper that broke the Watergate scandal.
Kramer: Very funny, first off it was Lomez who was Deep throat.
Jerry: Lomez was Deep throat, how is that possible?
Kramer: Lomez told me.
Jerry: Of course I should of known.
Kramer: You know what, I think I'll start a building newspaper. This way I can let the people know the seedy side of what goes on here.
Jerry: Why you looking at me Scoop.
Kramer: Come on Jerry you're not home at night, woman coming and going, hanging out at seedy clubs and bars what's going on? Plus that relationship with Elaine, people want to know.
Jerry: What people?
Kramer: Oh People.
Jerry: Kramer!
The buzzer sounds.
Jerry: Yeah.
It's George on the other end Jerry, buzzes him in and unlocks the door.
Kramer: I'm going to borrow your typewriter.
Jerry: Kramer I don't have a typewriter it's the 21st century.
Kramer: Interesting.
George walks in.
George: Jerry I got a problem a big problem.
Jerry: What you woke up and realized your hair was never coming back.
George: I'm serious.
Jerry: What?
George: You know that girl I'm dating Matilda.
Jerry: Yeah.
George: I told her I played Polo and now she wants me to play on her fathers team this weekend.
Kramer: You play Polo, George your too chubby.
Jerry: Just tell her the truth.
George: Jerry if I wanted to tell her the truth I never would of asked her out in the first place.
Jerry: You know George maybe its time to reel in your lies.
George: Jerry, I told her one little lie.
Jerry: If I remember correctly you also told her you were related to Ben Kinglsy.
Kramer: I didn't know that George, wow I'd like to meet him.
Jerry: There not related!
George: You don't know I might be.
Jerry: Yeah you're about as related to Ben Kingsley as Lomez is Deep Throat.
Kramer: Come on Jerry don't tell people that it's supposed to be a secret.
George: Anyway what am I going to do?
Jerry: Well I can't help you my people don't play Polo.
Kramer: I can help.
George: How?
Kramer: My friend Bob Sacamano he used to play Polo for his collage team and he has a horse.
George: Can he help me out.
Jerry: Bob Sacamano went to collage?
Kramer: Oh yeah, graduated in the top of his class.
Jerry: From where?
Kramer: B.C.
Jerry: Boston Collage?
Kramer: No, Binghamton Community.
Jerry: Oh that explains it.
George: So can he help me out.
Kramer: I'll talk to him.
Jerry: This sounds like a great idea.
George: Where's he keep his horse.
Kramer: In his apartment, he made a barn for him in his spare bedroom
Jerry: And his landlord has no problem with that.
Kramer: Jerry it's his apartment he can do whatever he wants. He also rents his hall closet out to a family of immigrants from Sri Lanka.
Jerry: Of course he does it's Bob Sacamano.
Kramer: You got that right.
George: Listen Kramer I have to practice before Saturday.
Jerry: George have you ever ridden a horse before?
George: No but why should that matter.
Jerry: It shouldn't.
Kramer: Ok I'm out of here compadres.
George: Kramer don't forget me I need that horse.
Kramer: Giddyup.
Kramer leaves.
George: So what are you doing tonight?
Jerry: I have a date with Cassie.
George: Cassie who's she?
Jerry: Get this she works for the Secret Service.
George: She protects the President?
Jerry: No. But she does carry a gun.
George: Where'd you meet her?
Jerry: The bank, she was behind me in line I let her cut in.
George: Wow, are Federal agents allowed to cut in line, I thought that would go against their policy.
Jerry: I think it's FBI Agents who cant cut lines Secret Service and CIA can.
The door open s and it's Elaine.
Jerry: How'd you get in?
Elaine: Kramer was leaving said he was working on a hot story.
Jerry: Hot story probably found out Newman is pre reading his neighbors porn.
George: Ok I'll see you later.
Elaine: What's the rush George?
Jerry: Our man George has to practice his swing for the big Polo tournament this weekend.
Elaine: George play Polo. (starts laughing)
George: What's so funny Elaine, my manliness intimidates you.
Elaine: No more like the thought of you on a horse.
George: We'll see who's laughing last Baby!
George walks out of the apartment.
Elaine: He's not serious about playing Polo is he.
Jerry: Unfortunately yes.
Elaine: Any way what are you doing now?
Jerry: Nothing.
Elaine: Want to come with me I have to get a new cell phone, Aubrey my boyfriend crushed it when we were you know.
Jerry: I can't believe your dating a guy named Aubrey.
Elaine: Aubrey is a very smart name.
Jerry: Any way you broke your phone during sex how's that happen?
Elaine: We were on the bed I forgot I had it in my pocket it fell out and Auby...
Jerry: Hold it you call him Auby, what is he a horse? Maybe George can ride him in his Polo match.
Elaine: Anyway, Auby rolled on it and it snapped in half.
Jerry: Good thing it was just your cell phone that fell out.
Elaine: What's that supposed to mean.
Jerry: I have no idea.
Elaine: Jerry, you should come with me and get one, every body has one.
Jerry: What?
Elaine: A cell phone.
Jerry: I don't know.
Elaine: What if there's an emergency?
Jerry: Like what Kramer calls to tell me I'm out of milk.
Elaine: You know what Jerry you're afraid of progress.
Jerry: I am not.
Elaine: Then get a phone.
Jerry: Never!
Elaine: Why, you're like the last person in this city not to have one.
Jerry: Kramer doesn't have one.
Elaine: He doesn't count.
Jerry: What about George?
Elaine: He doesn't count either, so come on get one. Aubrey has two cell phones.
Jerry: What does Aubrey do for a living.
Elaine: Whatever he does.
Jerry: Which is?
Elaine: He manages a grocery store.
Jerry: Oh so he's on twenty four hour call incase a load of lettuce comes in wilted.
Elaine: Very funny. So come with me.
Jerry: Never! I shall stay Cell phone free.
Elaine: Fine!
Elaine leaves the apartment.
****
Jerry is at a restaurant with Cassie, they are sitting facing each other.
Jerry: I can't believe you're a Secret Service agent.
Cassie: What's their not to believe.
Jerry: Does this mean if someone try's to shoot me you'll take the bullet for me.
Cassie: No, you're on your own.
Jerry: You mean to tell me if some guy pulls out a gun you'll let him shoot me.
Cassie: Pretty much.
Jerry: Well that throws a crimp into the whole date.
Cassie: Jerry I work mail fraud.
Jerry: Oh all right.
As Jerry and Cassie are sitting, Kramer walks in.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: Kramer what are you doing here, I'm on a date.
Kramer: Nothing just passing by.
Kramer takes out his camera and snaps a picture of Jerry and his date, then Kramer runs out of the restaurant.
Cassie jumps on Jerry like she was going to take a bullet for him.
Cassie: What was that all about.
Jerry: Hey you protected me.
Cassie: I did not it was just a natural reaction from my training.
Jerry: So you would take a bullet for me?
****
The next day George is in Central Park waiting for Kramer to show up with the horse. A few seconds' later Kramer walks up to George with an old gray over weight horse.
George: What's this?
Kramer: This is Milk Dud.
George: It looks like he ate about a ton of milk duds, I can't bring this horse to the polo match.
Kramer: George, this horse used to be ranked number one in polo.
George: When during the Koch administation.
Kramer: Possibly.
George: Great Kramer I got a horse who's two weeks from the dog food factory.
Kramer: Bob Sacamano told me once he starts playing he'll be a spark plug on the field. So come on mount him and see what he has. Lets Go!
George mounts the horse and Kramer hands him a Helmut and mallet he places a ball on the ground.
Kramer: Ok George hit the ball then go get it.
George takes a swing at the ball and falls off the horse, the horse never moves.
Kramer: Ok we'll try again tomorrow it looks like Milk Dud is winded.
George: Winded! From what breathing.
****
Jerry and Cassie are sitting on the couch when there's a knock on the door. Jerry walks over and answers it.
Jerry: Hello Newman.
Newman: Hello Jerry.
Jerry: What do you want.
Newman: Have you seen Kramer?
Jerry: No.
Jerry shuts the door but Newmans foot is in the way. Newman looks over Jerry's shoulder and sees Cassie sitting there.
Newman: Who's that another girl on the clock.
Jerry: What?
Newman: Nothing. Oh by the way I have something for you courtesy of Tony Spunelli.
Newman reaches into his inside pocket Cassie sees this and runs over and jumps on Jerry to protect him.
Newman: What's going on here Seinfeld! Some sick perverted sexual fantasy of yours. I knew it was all true. Here.
Newman throws Jerry the latest Superman Comic, then walks out. Jerry picks it us and looks at the cover.
Jerry: Oh look it's a cross over between Superman and Batman.
Cassie gets up.
Jerry: You did it again.
Cassie: It's just a natural reaction.
Jerry: Maybe once but two times. It's like having my own personal bodyguard.
Cassie: Ok I'm out of here.
Jerry: Next time can you wear your ear piece and talk into your cuffs.
Cassie leaves.
A few seconds later the buzzer goes off, it's Elaine and Jerry buzzes her in.
Elaine: Hey did you read your edition of the Building Times.
Jerry: Building Times?
Elaine: Yeah you know your apartment building newspaper, your on the front cover something about how you spend all your money on cheap hookers and booze.
Jerry: Kramer!
Elaine: Listen to this, "Last night a surprised Jerry Seinfeld was caught off guard with an exotic girl in a very secluded restaurant on the West Side"
Jerry: Kramer!
Elaine: It goes on to say how you spend your nights out in seedy clubs and bars.
Jerry grabs the paper from Elaine, on the cover is a picture of Jerry with the back of Cassies head. He starts reading the article, the door opens and in walks Kramer in his usual way, wearing a gray raincoat with a hat that says Press.
Kramer: I see you got the first issue of the Building Times.
Jerry: Kramer you can't print stories that aren't true.
Kramer: Name one thing that's not true?
Jerry: The whole article isn't true.
Kramer: Come on Jerry all reporters add a little flash to their writing.
Jerry: Oh yeah it's true that I own a rabbit foot farm where I slaughter baby rabbits just for the feet. Then feed the legless rabbits to Kimono Dragons in China town.
Kramer: It could be true how would I know?
Jerry: You wrote it Kramer!
Elaine: Calm down Jerry do you honestly think people are going to read this.
Jerry: Calm down, you know your mentioned in it. "Jerry is always visited by his number one girl Elaine"
Elaine: What's so bad about that
Jerry: Wait I didn't finish. "A former employee at the Sweet Times Ranch in Nevada where she was so popular she had her own trailer to meet customers".
Elaine: Kramer! How could you.
Kramer: Wait a second I didn't write that. Oh yeah I did.
Elaine: You better print a retraction.
Kramer: Retraction! What's that?
Elaine: You idiot!
****
George is in his car dropping Matilda off at her apartment.
Matilda: So George you ready for the big Polo match Saturday.
George: Looking forward to it dear.
Matilda: Ok my dad can't wait.
George: Me either.
Matilda: You think your cousin Ben Kinglsey will show up.
George: Yeah I called him he's shooting a movie in the Czech Republic.
Matilda: To bad I always wanted to meet him.
George: Maybe another time.
****
George is back in Central Park with Kramer. George is sitting on Milk Dud.
Kramer: Ok George hit the ball with the Mallet.
George takes a swing and falls off the horse, his foot gets stuck and he is laying on the ground the horse doesn't move.
George: Kramer get my foot unstuck!
Kramer runs over to unhook George's leg from the stirrup.
Kramer: That was better.
George: Better! Better! Ho Ho! When I get up I'm going to kick this horse in it's ASSSSssssssss.....
The horse takes off with George attached and Kramer on top of him.
****
It's the next day, Jerry is in his apartment when Kramer comes in.
Kramer: Hey buddy.
Jerry: Did you print the retraction?
Kramer: No, I will today after the big press conference.
Jerry: What Press conference.
Kramer: At the UN with President Bush.
Jerry: Your going to the UN to ask the President questions.
Kramer: Of course I'm the press Jerry see.
Kramer pulls out a press I.D. photo card from around his neck.
Jerry: How did you get this?
Kramer: I told you Lomez was Deep Throat he has connections.
Jerry: And what are you going to ask the President if he evens picks you.
Kramer: Oh I have some very important questions that need answers.
The buzzer goes off. Jerry answers it, on the other end is Cassie Jerry buzzes her up.
Jerry: What specifically are you going to ask him.
Kramer: Oh you'll see.
Cassie enters.
Cassie: Jerry guess what, I have to go to the UN the President is giving a Press Conference and I was asked to do guard duty. I can't believe it I get to protect the Big Cheese.
Jerry: You call the President the Big Cheese?
Cassie: Yeah, all Presidents are known as the Big Cheese.
Jerry: Even Clinton?
Cassie: No he was known as Head Cheese.
Jerry: I can see that.
Kramer: I don't get it.
Cassie: Any way, so I have to cancel for today.
Kramer: Hey I'm headed there myself.
Kramer takes out his press pass. Cassie looks at it.
Cassie: The Building Times? What kind of paper is that.
Kramer reaches in his inside coat pocket to take it out.
Jerry: No need to show the paper Kramer. Let's just say it's a very specialized newspaper.
Cassie: Ok I have to get to the UN.
Kramer: Can you give me a lift.
Cassie: Sure.
The two leave.
****
George pulls up to the parking lot of the West Hempstead Country Club with a horse trailer attached to his car. He parks and takes Milk Dud out and mounts the horse and rides him into the club. He goes to the polo field and no one is there.
Groundskeeper: Can I help you?
George: I'm supposed to be playing in a Polo event today I must be early.
GK: There's no event scheduled for today.
George: Are you sure?
GK: Yes I'm sure, unless you play water polo.
George: Water Polo, where's the pool.
The groundskeeper points and George goes in the direction. At the pool there are a group of men playing water polo, and Matilda is in the stands.
Matilda: George!
George: Matilda, you said Polo.
Matilda: Yeah Polo Water polo.
George: You never said water.
Matilda: I thought it was self explanatory.
A man walks up to George.
Man: Excuse me sir you cant have a horse at the pool.
George: Yeah, one second.
Man: Now or I'll kick your horse in the ass!
The horse hears this and goes up on it's hind legs then you hear a splash.
****
Jerry is in his apartment watching the news when George comes in soaking wet.
Jerry: George what happened to you?
George: What happened, What happened! It was water polo not horse polo.
Jerry: So?
George: So, some jerk called Milk Dud an ass and he wound up jumping in the pool and lets just say Matildas father should regain use of his left leg in a few weeks.
Jerry: So a horse gets insulted if you call him an ass, that's interesting. I wonder in you call a pure bred dog a mutt they'll also get upset.
George: I would imagine (angry).
Jerry: What happened to the horse.
George: It sunk like a rock.
Jerry: Does Bob Sacamano know you killed his horse.
George: Yeah, he got four dollars a pound from some dog food company.
Jerry sees the Presidents press conference starting. To the left of the President is Cassie.
Jerry: Hey look there's Cassie.
George: She's pretty for a Secret Service agent.
Jerry turns up the sound.
President Bush: And with that said I will now take your questions.
You can hear in the background people yelling to be picked on.
Pres. Bush: You sir.
Kramer: Cosmo Kramer the Building Times.
Pres. Bush: Yes (makes a confused face).
Kramer: Why is it there are no bills for 99 cents, you know when you buy something and its one dollar and ninety nine cents, then you get handed a penny back, why is that?
Pres. Bush: What paper are you with?
Kramer: The Building Times maybe you read our expose on Jerry Seinfeld.
Pres. Bush: Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Kramer!
Jerry's parents condo in Florida.
Morty: Look at this the President just mentioned Jerry.
Mrs. Seinfeld: It must be another Jerry not our son.
Morty: I thinks its Jerry, Kramer asked the question.
Elaine is in bed with Aubrey watching the press conference.
Elaine: Is that Kramer, did he just mention Jerry.
Aubrey: You know him.
Elaine: The paper!
Aubrey: What paper?
Back at the press conference.
Pres. Bush: Who is Jerry Seinfeld?
Kramer reaches in his raincoat and pulls a copy of the paper.
Kramer: Here you can read all about him.
The President motions to and aide and she walks over and grabs the paper from him. President Bush then scans the front-page article and whispers something to one of his aides.
Pres. Bush: Any other questions Mr. Kramer?
Kramer: Yes just one when will the Government stop spying on all of us through our television sets.
Pres. Bush: We don't do that.
The President makes gesture with his head to his aide.
******
Jerry: I can't believe Kramer gave the president a copy of that newspaper.
George: What paper?
Jerry: This.
Jerry hands George a copy of the Building Times. George looks over the front page article about Jerry.
George: Is this true you have rabbit foot farm and you didn't let me in with you.
Jerry: Yeah George, I slaughter the rabbits in my bedroom. It's all lies!
A few hours later there is a knock on Jerry's door, he opens it and standing there are two men and Cassie.
Jerry: Hello.
Agent 1: Jerry Seinfeld?
Jerry: Yes.
Agent 1: I'm Agent Marlow, this is agent Powers and you know Cassie.
Jerry: Yes, is their some problem.
Marlow: Where going to need you to come with us.
Cassie: I can't believe I dated a sicko like you .
Jerry: It was lies, he was supposed to print a retraction.
Powers: Lets go!
Jerry: Kramer!
Jerry is a room with just a desk when the door opens.
Marlow: Sit here and we'll be right back.
Jerry: Elaine they got you to.
Elaine: Yeah and the worst part is Aubrey broke up with me when the Secret Service came to my apartment. You could of at least called me.
Jerry: I didn't have a phone.
Elaine: See I told you to get a cell phone.
Jerry: Why'd he break up with you.
Elaine: He said he didn't want to be dragged down in my seedy past.
Jerry: You cant blame him.
The door opens and Marlow and Powers walks in.
Marlow: We spoke to one of your naibhors who collaborated the story.
Jerry: Who?
Marlow: Lets just say he's also on Uncle Sam's Payroll.
Jerry: Newman!
Jerry: Just talk to Kramer he can straighten out the whole thing.
Elaine: You now you look a little like Vin Diesel with hair (looking at agent Powers).
Powers: I get that a lot.
Marlow: No you don't.
Jerry: Listen just speak to Kramer.
Powers: We can't he's on Airforce One with the Big Cheese headed towards China.
Jerry: China?
Powers: He's in the Press Corp.
Elaine: Come on you can call Airforce one, please Vin.
Powers: Ok one call if he doesn't retract what he wrote your both going to Gauntonimo.
Jerry: Then you should investigate Newman.
A few minutes later Jerry and Elaine are on the street.
Jerry: I cant believe you took his phone number.
Elaine: Why not.
As there about to start to walk they see Newman being brought in the building.
Newman: I didn't do anything! Jerry, Elaine help, tell them I didn't do anything.
Jerry stops in front of them.
Jerry: I never saw this man before in my life.
Newman: Jerry!
Elaine: So it's over with Cassie?
Jerry: She said since I'll be under twenty four hour surveillance for the next few years it would cause a conflict of interest.
Elaine: Yeah I can see that.
*****
George is at Monks with Matilda.
George: Again I apologize, I just assumed you meant regular polo.
Matilda: Well alright.
As they get back to there meals Ben Kingsley walks by.
Matilda: Isn't that your cousin, Ben Kingsley.
George: Where, him no.
Matilda: Yeah then why is he signing an autograph. Come on George introduce me.
George: He's busy.
Matilda: George, you owe me.
George gets up and walks over to Ben Kingsley, he them points to Matilda. A few seconds later Ben Kingsley pushes George and storms out of Monks.
Matilda: What happened.
George: We were never very close lots of family jealousy issues.
Matilda: He acted as if he didn't even know you.
George: Yeah, well he still hasn't got over the fact I have more hair than him.
Matilda: You know George I don't think you two are related.
George: Oh where related.
Matilda: You know I think I will find out for my self.
Before George could say anything Matilda was already outside talking to Ben Kingsley. A few seconds later she walks back in.
Matilda: You two aren't related you lied George.
George: We could be.
Ben Kingsley sticks his head in Monks.
Ben Kingsly: Our cab is here Matilda. Oh and by the way there is no way we could be related just look at your self you look like a washed up architect.
*****
On board airforce One, Kramer is walking down the isle looking for the bath room when he finds one.
Kramer: Oh mama a bathtub.
President Bush about a half hour later walks in the bathroom and sees Kramer sitting in the tub smoking a cigar.
Pres. Bush. Mr. Kramer this is my private bathroom.
Kramer: How was I supposed to know?
Pres. Bush: The seal on the door and the sign that reads Presidents Bush's private bathroom. Now get dressed!
Kramer: I cant I was washing my clothes while I was taking a bath see.
Kramer holds up his clothes. President Bush picks up the phone and calls the Secret Service.
Jerry, Elaine and George are at Monks.
George: Hey what ever happened to Newman and Kramer?
Jerry: You know I have no idea.
All of a sudden a phone rings.
Elaine: What's that.
George: It's a phone.
Elaine: It's coming from you (looking at Jerry).
Jerry: What?
Elaine: You got a cell phone.
Jerry: Yes I did!
Elaine: I thought you were never going to get one.
Jerry: I lied I always had a cell phone! I can't live with out it.
Jerry answers the phone.
Jerry: Hello.
Kramer: Jerry you got help me I'm in China.
Jerry: Kramer how'd you get this number?
Kramer: Lomez.
Jerry: What happened?
Kramer: The President said my Newspaper wasn't a real paper, so he threw me off the jet, now I'm stuck in Beijing (crying).
Jerry: That's not good.
Kramer: I know. You have to send me money to get out of here if not I'll be put to work in factory making sneakers.
Jerry: Try and get me few pairs.
Kramer: Jerry!
Jerry: Alright!
In the background Jerry hears some people talking Chinese to Kramer:
Kramer: How to say giddyup up in Chinese?
This is where the commercial come in right before the end of the show.
Newman is in a cell at Guantanamo Bay Cuba sitting on a chair when the door opens.
Guard: Newman we thought you were lonely so we got you a roommate, meet Mustafa.
Mustafa: ALA-AKBAR!
Newman: Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh! JERRY! Yahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!
The End