Last Christmas, I gave you my heart
But the very next day you gave it away
This year, to save me from tears
I'll give it to someone special

"Are you sure this is a good idea?" Cas asked, casting his nervous gaze around the room. Not looking for anyone in particular, he told himself. Just looking to see what familiar faces lay in the crowd.

"It'll be fun," his cousin told him.

A faint rustle told Cas he was eating yet another sweet and, sure enough, there was a faint bulge in one cheek. His cousin's pockets seemed to hold a never-ending supply of candy - but not the wrappers, Cas noted with a sigh as the other man surreptitiously dropped the square of paper onto the floor in a crumpled ball.

"That's littering," he hissed.

"We're not outside."

"Fine. In that case it's just rude."

His cousin shrugged. "No-one saw."

"I saw."

"Gabriel," a tall man with long hair greeted him with a grin. "I think you dropped something."

"Did I?" Castiel's cousin looked at his feet and pretended to be shocked. "So I did."

As he bent down to pick it up, Cas smirked.

"And Cas," the man said with a rueful smile. "I didn't think we'd see you here."

"It's a surprise to me, too," Cas told him honestly. "It's good to see you, Sam."

"I've missed hanging out with you," Sam admitted. "How've you been?"

"Oh, you know," Cas replied vaguely. "Okay. Work's kept me busy."

"Yeah, I thought you weren't going to take that transfer?"

"I wasn't," he stated, his tone making it evident he didn't want to discuss it.

"Well it must have kept you busy, if this is the first you've been home for a visit. It's been over a year."

"Yes," Cas agreed tersely.

"Well, uh, I've got to go find my girlfriend, so, I'll see you around. Dean rented a karaoke system this year - but no-one's drunk enough to embarrass themselves on it, yet. There's drinks in the fridge, and the kitchen sink, and the bathtub. We must've bought at least fifty bags of ice - I guess Dean didn't want to run out."

Castiel's jaw quivered imperceptibly at the mention of Sam's older brother. "Yes, he's always loved his reputation for throwing the best Christmas parties."

"It's a shame he never appreciates it when we throw him a birthday party. The big three-oh this year."

"I know."

"It was weird, you not being here for it."

"Work kept me busy," he repeated.

"Yeah. It must have."

An uncomfortable silence fell between them. Sam shifted his weight from one foot to the other, not knowing what to say or how to leave. Cas stared at him, the silence worse than the strained conversation. How had things gotten so unfamiliar between them? He knew the answer to that, of course - his name had already come up in conversation. It had been over a year, however, and shouldn't still be an issue.

"Oh, hey, there she is. Jess!" Sam waved at someone over Castiel's shoulder. "I'll see you around, okay?"

And with a clap on the shoulder, he left Cas alone. And alone he was, for his cousin had disappeared while he'd been talking to Sam. He looked around, wondering if there was another familiar face he could pick out from the crowd. Unable to see anyone he knew - or rather, had known - he made his way to the kitchen to get a drink.

A dark-haired woman, very obviously pregnant, stood drinking orange juice out of a champagne flute.

"Hi," she smiled. "Help yourself."

He picked up a soft drink, his manners telling him not to drink alcohol around someone who wasn't or couldn't, and took a sip. "When are you..?" he asked, nodding at her swollen belly.

She cast him a shocked stare. "Are you saying I look fat?!"

"I— Oh, no! I just, um..."

Then she laughed. "Sorry, I just find it funny to see people's reactions to that. January, just like his dad."

January. Dean's birthday was in January. He quickly shook that thought from his mind. Lots of people had birthdays in January.

She rubbed a hand across her stomach. "He's a fighter, alright. Always kicking." Then she looked horrified. "Don't tell Dean it's a boy - we agreed we'd let it be a surprise but I couldn't wait any longer!"

Castiel shook his head numbly, her words growing more distant as his mind raced at a hundred miles a hour. The baby was born in January, which meant it had been conceived in April, four months after Cas had left. Had they been been dating? Or had she been yet another one night stand?

He realised she was still staring at him, and he forced himself to say, "No, I won't say a word. I promise."

Relief flashed across her face. "Thank you. Sorry, I'm Lisa, by the way."

Lisa. Dea had had a fling with a Lisa once before. Was this the same Lisa? Dean wasn't the kind to revisit a one night stand - he was a love them and leave them kind of guy. No, that wasn't right. Dean didn't love anyone - not romantically, anyway. Not since Cassie had broken his heart in college. He was more a fuck them and fuck off again kind of guy, he amended bitterly.

"Castiel," he said. She'd think there was something wrong with him, taking forever to respond to her. But he was just trying to make sense of all this. He'd deliberately avoided any talk of Dean when he'd spoken with Gabriel or his brothers, but perhaps that had been a mistake.

"Oh," she breathed suddenly, as if his name meant something to her.

Castiel, Dean's weird and dorky high school friend. Cas, the friend who'd suddenly moved away without so much as a goodbye. The gay one.

"I'm going to look for something with more alcohol in it," he declared, turning to leave the room. Ignoring the fridge, his feet moved automatically in the direction of the bathroom. He needed to put space between himself and the mother of Dean's unborn child. It had been over a year since he'd last set foot in this house, but he'd practically grown up in it so could never forget his way around.

Finding a bottle of beer in the bath, he opened it and downed it all. He drank another. He took his third more slowly.

"Someone's thirsty," a teasing voice from behind him said.

He turned, and came face to face with a girl in a Star Trek t-shirt - or maybe it was Star Wars; he never could tell the difference - and short red hair.

"Charlie," he breathed. "You've had a haircut."

"Got a hug for your old friend?"

Immediately he swept her up in his arms and buried his face in her neck. "I've missed you."

"The twenty-first century is amazing - we have these things called phones so you can talk to people who are far away," she remarked pointedly, her tone laden with sarcasm. "And computers with electronic letters and the ability to have video calls so you can actually see people!"

"I know, I know - I'm a terrible friend."

She pulled away and looked him in the eye. "I'm not the only one you left behind."

"I know - I spoke to Sam earlier."

She whacked his arm. "I mean Dean!"

Castiel sighed. "I know you did."

"And?!"

"And, what?"

"What have you got to say for yourself?"

"Me?!"

Charlie looked at him sadly. "Why don't you tell me what happened?"

. * * * .

"You know what my Christmas wish is?" Dean asked, leaning in closer.

Castiel's heart raced in his chest as the scent of oil and leather, a scent that was unmistakably Dean, clouded his mind.

"I'm going to pray for world peace," Cas told his friend.

Dean chuckled drunkenly. "You pray for that every year. Ever think maybe He's not listening?"

"I have faith, Dean."

"My wish is that the little red bird that told me you're in love with me is dead on the dollars."

Cas froze, mouth suddenly dry. Someone had told Dean he was in love with him? Only a couple of his closest friends knew, and he trusted them. His moment of panic faded as the rest of Dean's words sank in. Dean wanted whoever had told him to be right? In too much shock to correct Dean's expression 'dead on the money', the world began to spin ever so slightly. Was this what it felt like whenever Dean got inebriated? If so, why would he do it so often? Was Dean inebriated now? Maybe he didn't know what he was saying. He glanced at his friend, who was clenching his jaw so hard a muscle was twitching.

"Would this 'bird' have a name?" he asked carefully.

"Doesn't matter," Dean muttered, glancing away. "They were obviously wrong."

"How much have you had to drink?" Cas asked when Dean turned to leave.

Dean paused. "Not a much as I should," he said over his shoulder. "'M sorry, Cas. Pretend I never said anything."

"Five years," he blurted out as Dean started walking away. When his friend stopped and looked back at him, Cas swallowed. "I've loved you for five years."

A heavy silence fell between them, Castiel's words like a noose around his neck. Was that what Dean had wanted to hear? Or had he ruined their friendship forever? He wished he knew what Dean wanted, so that he could say the right thing. Then Dean was moving towards him.

His friend was well-known for the scraps he got into at school, so Castiel braced himself for a physical reaction - a punch, a shove, a slap... But he wasn't ready for the softness of Dean's lips as they met his, for the tenderness of Dean's touch as he cupped his jaw in one hand, for the eagerness of his grip as the fingers on his other hand dug into his hip almost painfully. Then Dean was pulling away, but not too far - their noses millimeters apart.

He'd completely missed it. Dean had kissed him, and Cas had just stood there like an idiot.

"I've wanted to do that for a while, now," Dean admitted, thumb lightly caressing Castiel's cheek. "Always wondered what it would be like."

"What was it like?" Cas heard himself ask. He mentally berated himself. What did he expect Dean to say? 'The earth moved, the angels wept'? He was quite sure that was a quote from a film but he had no idea which one, but he could hear it being said in a voice that sounded like it might be Harrison Ford. He probably wasn't going to say anything good considering Cas had just stood there, and he was sure he sounded desperate for asking.

"It was, uh, kind of nice, actually," Dean said, sounding surprised.

But not bad surprised, Cas noted hopefully. His eyes dropped to Dean's mouth, lips full and pink and soft. Dean's lips were soft. He filed that little bit of knowledge away: a reminder that the kiss really happened. His hand was also warm against his cheek, and it was all Cas could do not to lean into his touch.

"You, um... I think I took you by surprise."

Not trusting himself to speak, Cas nodded once.

He watched as Dean's lips turned upwards, then parted as his tongue lightly trailed along his bottom lip. Dean always did that when he was nervous. Was Dean nervous? Why was he nervous? Dean had kissed many people, whereas Cas had only been kissed once. Castiel's eyes flicked upwards, meeting Dean's intense green stare. His breath catching in his throat, hardly daring to hope as his heart thumped loudly in his ears, he instinctively licked his lips.

Dean's eyes seemed to close as his gaze dropped to Castiel's mouth, and his own fluttered closed as Dean kissed him again. A soft moan died in his throat, and this time he kissed Dean back. He probably wasn't very good but, as his hands came up to fist in Dean's shirt and keep him close, he decided he didn't care. He wasn't going to miss his chance twice.

The hand on his waist palmed up his back, firm in a way that seemed to say, I've got you, and he kissed Dean back even more fervently. He moved a hand to mirror Dean's, cupping his face and finding the scratch of stubble on his palm oddly satisfying.

When Dean pulled away a disappointed noise broke past his lips before he could stop it, and Dean chuckled.

"People have started going home."

"Do you want me to leave?" Cas asked, head still spinning from the kiss and confused as to what Dean wanted.

"No!" Dean hastened to assure him. He rubbed a hand across the back of his neck. "I was sort of hoping you'd stay."

"Oh." He and Dean had slept over at each other's before; he wasn't sure why Dean was nervous this time. "Okay."

"With me."

It took a second for Cas to realise what Dean was saying. "With you?"

The hand on Castiel's back dropped lower, the intention behind the gesture unmistakable. "Yeah."

It was everything he'd dreamed about for years, except it wasn't. Dean might not have thought he'd had a lot to drink, but wasn't one of the dangers of being drunk thinking that you were alright? That there was nothing wrong with you - you were good to drive home? And then you drove your car off the road.

"Okay," he breathed.

He didn't need to tell Dean that he'd never had sex before - his friend seemed to know. He took his time, stretching him, making sure he was ready. And then he pushed inside, filling him, satisfying an urge he never knew he had in a way no toy had been able to. His fingers dragged across Dean's strong back, nails clawing red lines into his skin when he began to move. All the time Dean murmured sweet nothings in his ear until his his movements became more desperate, his words lost beneath moans building to a gasp as he filled the condom, the evidence of Castiel's own release leaving trails across his stomach as Dean pulled slowly out of him.

. * * * .

Charlie was staring at him in a mixture of disgust and horror. "That's more than I ever needed to know about my best friend."

Cas shrugged apologetically. "You did ask."

"You couldn't have just said, 'We had sex' and left it at that? I didn't need - or want - all the gory details, than you very much. I like dick about as much as you like pussy."

He pulled a face. "Must you be so crass?"

"Well, you did just describe your sex with Dean in excruciating detail, so... yeah."

He sighed. "So now you understand."

"No."

Cas stared at her for a long moment, until he realised she was being serious. "I couldn't face him!"

"You had a night of wonderful sex and then you ran away."

"I took advantage of him! He was my friend, and he was drunk, and—"

"Not that drunk."

"That's not the point!"

"No, the point is you broke his heart!"

"I... What?" he asked weakly. He'd broken his friend's heart? But that would mean...

"He'd really fallen for you, idiot," Charlie told him, but there was no malice in her name-calling.

"But Dean's straight," he reminded her, confused.

She scoffed. "Maybe if you'd stuck around instead of running away you'd realise why that's so funny. He slept around a lot the past year."

"That's not unusual."

"He didn't care if they were male or female, but he had so much sex that Sam even considered signing him up for sex addiction therapy, until Dean found out and they had a huge falling out over it. They didn't talk for two months, which was kind of freaky. But Sam backed off when he realised he was trying to get over someone. You didn't just leave him the next morning, you left his whole freaking life."

Maybe he should have stuck around, Cas lamented. "I thought he'd hate me," he said quietly.

"He was trying to tell you he loved you, too, dumbass."

He huffed. "Are you going to insult me all night?"

"Depends. What are you going to do, now?"

Cas shrugged. What could he do? Dean had a girlfriend - a pregnant one - and he couldn't come between that. "I'm going to leave him alone. I'm not going to open old wounds, and I don't want to cause any more friction between him and his girlfriend. I think I've already upset her when I—"

"Woah, back up - Dean doesn't have a girlfriend."

"Lisa. I spoke to her in the kitchen."

"Yeah, just because she's carrying his kid doesn't mean she's his girlfriend. I have it on good authority that he's hoping to hook up with Max before the year is out."

"Max?"

"Yeah, he's been hanging out with him a lot lately. If I was straight I might actually have a little crush."

"What does he look like?"

"Dark skin, striking eyes... And he likes cars."

Someone Dean could have a proper conversation with, instead of just talking at Cas. "I don't know anything about cars."

Charlie laughed at him and shook her head fondly. "Get in there first."

"He's moved on, Charlie. I can't."

"You can. If you still love him. And I know you - you pined after him for five damn years. And I'm pretty sure he still loves you, too. Even if he is trying to move on."

Castiel shook his head. "I can't."

At that moment, the Christmas music abruptly cut off and Dean's voice boomed through the house.

"Well, you know where he is," Charlie smirked as he started singing an off-key rendition of Right Said Fred's 'I'm Too Sexy'. "I'll take care of Max. The lock on the bathroom door is terrible - it gets stuck all the time." She flashed him an exaggerated wink. "Trust me."

And then she was gone. Cas sighed, and ventured into the lounge where Dean was shimmying and singing to his friends. He faltered slightly when he caught sight of Cas, who nearly turned around and left. Don't be stupid. He's seen you, now - he knows you're here.

He stayed on the edge of the crowd that had gathered to watch, moving around to the front when Dean finished and the Christmas music started back up again.

"It's really you," Dean said, looking him up and down.

Well who else would it be? "Yes."

"You're looking good."

I look terrible. "I've gained weight."

"Oh." They stared at each other in silence for a long minute. "Can I get you a drink?"

"Yes." Cas followed Dean through to the kitchen, where Lisa was thankfully no longer hanging around. "I met Lisa," he blurted out.

Dean froze. "Oh," he said, slowly pulling two beers out of the fridge.

"She seems nice."

"She is," Dean said, moving out onto the porch. "Damn it, Chuck. Becky. If you want to make out there's a room upstairs - get off my damn swing."

They two flushed and retreated into the house, Dean immediately settling down in their place.

Cas stood, holding his beer. "Are we going to talk about last year?"

"Gee, I don't know, Cas," Dean snapped. "Do you want to? Or are you just going to leave after the party's over and ignore me for another year?"

"You have every right to be angry. I took advantage of you, and Charlie told me I broke your heart."

"Charlie needs to keep her damn mouth shut," Dean growled. Almost immediately he asked, "What else did she say?"

"That you want to hook up with Max, but that I should get in first because you still love me."

Dean's bottom jaw quivered, and he took several mouthfuls of beer. "So you're here to screw up my life again, is that it?"

"No." This was a mistake. He put his beer down on the railing. "I should go."

"You didn't break my heart, Cas," Dean said, stopping him in his tracks as he turned to leave. "Cassie broke my heart - you put it back together and then you smashed it into pieces."

"I'm sorry," he whispered, wishing he could turn back the clock until it was last Christmas again. "I didn't know."

"You think when Charlie told me you were in love with me I could be so heartless as to give you some kind of pity fuck?!"

Red bird. Charlie. Of course, it all made sense now. Cas shook his head, tears blurring his vision as he turned back to face Dean. "You were drunk! I thought you'd hate me! I thought... I thought you'd regret it and that our friendship would be over!" Shaking his head, he confessed, "I couldn't face that."

Dean was silent for a long time. "You know, I thought it was something I'd done. Or not done."

"It wasn't you."

Rolling his eyes, Dean said, "It would have been nice to know that last year."

"I'm sorry." And he was. He'd say sorry every day for the rest of his life and it still wouldn't be enough to convey how sorry he was.

"You know, Max hasn't broken my heart."

"You should hook up with Max, then," Cas told him. He'd said he wasn't here to screw up Dean's life again, yet that was exactly what he was doing. It didn't matter what Cas wanted; only what made Dean happy.

"You know why?" Dean continued, ignoring him.

Because he's confident? He isn't a coward? There aren't any misunderstandings because he's able to have a conversation about how he feels like a normal person?

"Because I don't love him," Dean continued. "I like him, a lot, but I don't love him." He paused. "I can't, because I still love you."

Cas swallowed.

"I've missed you," Dean admitted.

"I've missed you, too," Cas replied softly.

Relief crossed Dean's face then, standing up, he closed the space between them. "So, I didn't get you a Christmas present. I didn't know you were coming home, after all."

"That's okay."

"Do you want to help me use the present Sam got me? It was a bad joke. I nearly hit him for it."

"What is it?"

"A 500 bulk box of condoms."

Castiel went red. "I... Um..."

"Unless of course you've got a boyfriend back in the city," Dean added hastily. "I don't... Just because you've missed me doesn't mean you still love—"

"No. No boyfriend," Cas cut him off, hope blossoming in his chest. "Just a friend who tells me I need to get laid more."

Dean smirked, and pulled Cas closer. "I like the sound of your friend."

"I didn't get you a present, either."

Dean kissed him gently, his lips every bit as soft as Cas remembered. "I think this is the best present I could get."

"Same," Cas smiled, and kissed him again.

I don't want a lot for Christmas
There is just one thing I need
I don't care about the presents
Underneath the Christmas tree
I just want you for my own
More than you could ever know
Make my wish come true oh
All I want for Christmas is you