Title: Nothing Says I Love You Quite Like a Vasectomy.
Rating: M
Beta: mel39.
Pairing: Ryan/Missy.
Disclaimer: I don't own The OC, Ryan or Benjamin McKenzie.
Set: AU humor/smut with a hint of plot.
Notes: This is the TBC? after Breaking The Cycle. Remember this is an AU...so Ryan and Theresa never happened here.
Nothing Says I Love You Quite Like a Vasectomy.
Ryan pulled up outside the refuge and waited for Missy to come out. If he went inside, they'd never get away and it was a long road trip across country. He was looking forward to seeing Danny again.
Missy came out pulling a little case on wheels. Ryan got out the car and heaved it into the trunk.
"What have you got in here…bricks?" he joked.
Missy didn't laugh.
He thought that the idea of two weeks away from work on a road trip with many motel stops on the way would make her at least the tiniest bit happy.
"Hey, you okay?"
She turned to him and frowned. "No…I'm late."
Ryan looked at his watch. "I said I'd be here at eight and it's two minutes to, so I'd say you were right on time."
Missy rolled her eyes. "No Ryan…I'm late."
"Huh?" Ryan furrowed his brow. Missy almost screamed as she saw the cogs whirring slowly in his brain.
"A week late, to be precise."
Missy saw the look of horror appear on Ryan's face as the realization of what she'd just said hit.
"What…but…what…how?" Ryan spluttered.
Missy sighed but had to smile at the sight of her boyfriend staring at her with his mouth open like a guppy.
"How? Well, Ryan, let me begin … you remember a few weeks ago you got that glint in your eye? We'd both just gotten over that vomiting bug and you said 'to hell with using a condom' even though I said we should because of the whole me being sick thing…."
Ryan continued to stare at her. He looked a little green now.
"But you douched after…right after, you leaped out of bed and…" He said weakly, a red tinge now flushing his cheeks making him look like an over ripe apple.
"Yes I did, Ryan, but what can I say, one of your swimmers must have gone for the Olympic record in the front crawl 'cause I'm late and I can't think of any other reason for it. I'm never late…ever."
Ryan swallowed thickly and began to sway a little.
Missy rolled her eyes despairingly.
"Jesus, Ryan, crouch down and put your head between your legs before you fall down."
Ryan looked like he was about to argue but then all the color drained from his face and he quickly sat down on the curb, putting his head in his hands.
Missy sat next to him and rubbed his arm.
"Sorry." He looked up at her after a couple of minutes. "I kind of freaked out there."
"Welcome to my world, I've been doing pretty much the same thing every time I think about it."
"Shit, what are we going to do?" Ryan asked helplessly.
"I take it from your less than ecstatic reaction that you're not ready to become a daddy yet?"
Ryan turned and widened his eyes.
"Are you telling me that you're ready for this?"
"No way, I'm scared shitless. What the fuck are we going to do?"
"Panic." Ryan replied simply and put his arm around Missy.
Panic was what Ryan was trying to avoid, even though all his instincts told him he should run for the hills and hide. This was not happening, except it was. To be quite honest, he and Missy had sailed too close to the wind on many occasions in the past and for that he had to kick himself – damn his male innate instinct for shunning a rubber – but, somehow, they'd always managed to dodge the bullet. And recently things had been bliss, thanks to the pill. Why couldn't he have just put up with the condom for a few lousy days after Missy's sickness bug?
Despite the circumstances, they both agreed to continue with their road trip. It had all been arranged weeks ago and Danny would be heartbroken if they cancelled at this short notice. Besides, if they cancelled then Sandy and Kirsten would want to know why and he sure as hell was not looking forward to breaking the potential news to them. They would fucking kill him. All the late night embarrassing conversations he'd had with them both where he'd assured them that he was being responsible would come back to bite him on the ass big time.
And that was his problem. Complacency had set in, and so had the urge never to want to wear a restrictive, desensitizing and uncomfortable sheath on his cock ever again. So when they'd both spent the best part of that weekend in utter misery chucking their guts up, the relief at feeling better, coupled with the lack of any real energy from puking, had made all good sense fly out of the window. He'd been hard, Missy had been there, and although she'd warned him that they'd have to be careful, he'd been too caught up in the moment to listen. He didn't carry condoms anymore, thanks to female contraception, and he hadn't wanted to stop and go get some – well what man in his right mind would? He was sorely regretting that decision now. He took a sideways glance over at Missy as he drove. The way she twirled her hair around her finger in an obsessive way he could tell that she was regretting his rash decision it as much as he was.
One thing was for sure; he and his dick were in the middle of a very serious falling out at the moment - although he had to admit to a tiny mouse squeak of pride that one of his 'boys' had appeared to triumph against the odds.
He looked over at Missy again and cast an eye down to her stomach. Was his baby growing in there? At this exact moment in time were a bundle of cells frantically dividing and multiplying into a genetic ball of Simpson and Atwood DNA? The thought caused his own stomach to flip flop. Shit, what had they done?
They didn't talk much on the first leg of their journey. Ryan was relieved about that. It gave him time to get his head around the possibilities; alas, it also gave him time to imagine trying to break the news to his guardians and Seth. Boy, he was not looking forward to that. Ryan pulled the car up outside the motel they'd chosen for the night, signed in and carried the bags to their room. The huge double bed that dominated the room did not seem like such a prize now. Missy obviously had the same thought because she looked at the bed ruefully and turned to wince at Ryan.
"Is it just me or does that bed not hold its usual appeal?"
As he looked over at her, Ryan was struck how young Missy looked all of a sudden, not like her usual brash self.
He took a deep breath and made a decision.
"You okay to stay here? I'm going out for a bit, I won't be long."
Missy looked suddenly like she might cry. "Where're you going?"
Ryan closed the gap between them and pulled Missy into a tight hug.
"Hey, I'm not running out on you. I promise. I'm going to get some shopping. Get us some food and stuff so we don't have to go out tonight. I don't know about you but I don't want any company right now other than you."
" 'Kay," Missy muttered into his shoulder.
"Whatever happens we'll work this out together."
Ryan kissed her on the top of her head.
"I won't be long."
Ryan found the place he needed without too much trouble. The guy behind the desk at the motel had smirked as Ryan had asked for directions to the nearest late night drugstore. Ryan wasn't stupid and knew just what was going through the guy's head but he chose not to rise to the bait and just let the guy carry on with his innuendos and winks.
He walked up and down the aisles until he came to where he wanted to be. It was kind of ironic really that they lumped all the 'adult' stuff together. Tubes of lube and every type of condom known to man kind of jarred next to the myriad of pregnancy testing kits – almost like the cosmos was rubbing it in to people like him. Ryan waited for a middle-aged woman shopper to pass before he picked up one of the long boxes and started to read.
Ten minutes later he was non the wiser. Some proclaimed to accurately show results on the first day of your missed period, some had digital displays, some showed one line, some had two lines. There were pink lines and there were blue lines. They talked about oestrogen levels and hormones – until his head wanted to explode. And he was quite frankly mystified with the instructions on some of the packets. He was out of his depth; he who could work out differential equations in his head was stumped when it came to this. So he did what any self-respecting man would do when confronted with having to buy 'woman's things – he bought one of each. He also bought a gross of condoms. It was a little like shutting the gate after the horse had bolted but he felt better for having picked them up.
The trip to the counter had been fun; he had blushed to his roots when the two girls behind the counter had made faces at each other when they saw the contents of his basket. So maybe twenty condoms and five pregnancy testing kits were probably a bit unusual in the same basket, Ryan mused, and yes, it was a bit of a contradiction, but the muttered comment one had made saying 'you've been busy' mortified him. He could picture the conversation when he left the store. They probably had him pegged as some sort of lothario who spent his time dispensing pregnancy-testing kits to women up and down the country.
Finally escaping from the drugstore, he then stopped off at the market to purchase some no alcohol beer, bread, cheese and some fruit. After reflecting on the contents of his basket, he went back and added a huge supply of chocolate and candy bars for Missy and some cigarettes for himself. He felt mean about that and hid them in his jacket. Missy had already talked about not smoking just in case, and, fair play to her, she had not had one all day. Ryan, however, felt that he might just need them later if the blue – pink – line or lines came up. He grabbed a six- pack of sodas and added those to his purchases just in case Missy needed help to pee. He could hear Kirsten's voice in his ear telling him not to say the word pee and gave an inward groan. He certainly had not expected to be spending the first day of their two -week road trip in a motel bathroom watching his girlfriend pee on a stick, nope not what he'd imagined at all. One thing was for sure, bought condoms or not, his dick had slunk back into his body in shame and Ryan wasn't sure whether it would ever function again after this.
He wasn't ready for this.
Tbc.