a/n: so this is one of those fics that goes along with a few other requests. To be honest, I do this partly to save time and to get us all the best stories that I can without being to repetitive. If there are numerous requests along the same lines, it's ridiculous to write a carbon copy of the same fic over and over with slightly different location or details.
So far my post S3 fics have been doing well and while I don't want to focus on Elena becoming a vamp the entire summer, I am still personally working through my issues with it, and what better way than writing. I do hope that this fic pleases everyone it's dedicated to, and even those that didn't see it coming. Remember, we have no idea what S4 will bring us, but those pesky writers gave us the whole summer to figure it out.
Dedicated to softly_me (on livejournal for her inspirational quote; my skin has turned to porcelain, to ivory, to stone). to EverythingYouWanted (for reminding me of this song and hopefully not being upset I didn't use the full lyric set, only a little of it.) to delena20 (for wanting Damon to be Elena's first choice when she wakes up).
SMALL COMFORTS
But when you touch me like this and you hold me like that
I just have to admit that it's all coming back to me
When I touch you like this and I hold you like that
It's so hard to believe but it's all coming back to me
(It's all coming back; it's all coming back to me now)
Elena sat alone in the hospital room, looking the big glass window that gave her a perfect view of Stefan and Damon. She couldn't hear a word they were saying, a comforting sign that she wasn't yet a vampire. No, in order for her to fully transition she would need to feed. The thought disgusted her, made her stomach turn and she gripped the sides of the bed tightly as she fought to stay sitting. She'd already fainted once since she'd woken up from her second trip through death. Meredith had moved her to this room, and then promptly been taken outside by Damon and Stefan. She still didn't know if the 'good doctor' was dead or alive. Judging by the anger on Damon's face and the guilt on Stefan's she was willing to bet dead. She shook her head, not wanting to think about it and then let out a groan when her watery brain seemed to bang around in her skull.
Her throat was dry, but she knew from lightly sipping the water on the table next to that wasn't the liquid she craved. Berating herself for wanting blood, she shot the hunger down and looked back to the brothers. Just as she did, Damon glanced back and into the room. Their eyes connected and she felt a sense of calm sweep over her. The hot burning in her throat didn't subside, but a little of her fear did. Stefan looked back to, but she couldn't bring herself to break Damon's gaze. She felt guilty for that, but things were different now. Everything was different now. She could see Stefan move, reach for the door knob out of the corner of her eye. Damon's lips moved like he was speaking, but she still couldn't figure out what it was. Stefan froze, nodding and then he walked away. She looked then, watched him disappear and glanced back to Damon, confusion all over her face.
She could see his sigh in his body and he slowly came forward, walking through the door Stefan had just tried to. He stood in the doorway for a moment and she stayed still, then suddenly she was off the bed and flying through the short distance to get to him. His arms went around her tightly, holding her to his chest. She couldn't breathe, She couldn't speak…but she didn't care. If he never let her go she wouldn't care. Finally though, he did and she let him. She clung to his jacket though, her face pressed to his chest as tears streamed down her face. She'd been mostly quiet and still ever since she'd woken up and Stefan had explained to her what had happened. She could still remember the sullen look in his eyes as he explained what Meredith had told him when he'd brought her and Matt here. Matty. Damon sensed her thought process, reading the worry in her eyes.
"He's alright. Stefan got him in time. I'll take you to him in a few minutes." His hands smoothed up her shoulders and she realized that she must have been asleep a long time if her clothes were fully dry and he was back in town.
"Ric?" the question was simply but he knew what she meant.
Slowly he shook his head, even more pain in his eyes. "He's gone Elena. We don't have to worry about him hurting us anymore."
"Don't talk about him like that." She whispered harshly, knowing he was just saying that to keep from crying himself about losing his best friend.
"I'm sorry." He sighed and hugged her tightly again. "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"
"Bad news." She mumbled against his chest, knowing she wanted all the information before she decided to find any optimism tonight.
"We're going to have to talk about this soon. I don't want to rush you…but choices have to be made before we run out of time."
Elena sighed, looking up at him. He pressed a kiss to her forehead, the gesture familiar and comforting. "Where's Jeremy?"
"In the waiting room. I wanted to see you first, make sure that you were…"
"That I wasn't going to kill him and drain him?" she finished his sentence, doing her best impression of a smile. It came out a pained grimace and he cradled her face.
"Elena, don't do this to yourself."
She thought of a few more negative comments appropriate for a moment like this, but she kept them to herself."What's the good news?"
He smirked, trying to bring a little light to the situation. "I'm not dead."
She smiled slightly, and then it was gone. "I am."
He gripped her tightly, and after a minute she realized he was rocking her gently back and forth. She wasn't sure if she was sobbing or not; she probably was. All she could think about was tonight, remembering the bridge and seeing Rebekah standing there. She remembered the sick dropping feeling in her stomach as Matt drove over the edge. She remembered the icy pain as the cold water filled the cab of the truck and her lungs. She remembered Stefan coming to save her, save them…then she remembered the peace of her death. She hadn't said her goodbyes, but she had made peace with her life. She didn't want to die, but she was ready for that to be her choice if it kept everyone she loved safe. That choice had been taken away from her though, as had the choice of turning. There was only two choices that remained, and she wasn't sure she could handle either of them right now. To turn, or not turn? And which brother to stay with for eternity if she did?
Elena let Damon lead her over to the bed, shifting over slightly so that he could sit next to her. She looked out through the window again as she had before, brushing her tears away from her face angrily. "Everything is going to be alright." He whispered, and she shook her head; laying down on the bumpy mattress.
"No, it's not. Don't lie to me." He nodded and fitted himself behind her on the tiny bed, sliding his arm around her waist and holding her close.
"I'm not going to tell you that you have to turn. I've already played my hand in forcing that issue once and it failed; thank God. I am going to ask you to consider staying in this world though. With Jeremy and Bonnie and Caroline; they need you Elena. I need you."
She didn't say anything, just laced their fingers together and held him closer. "If I do complete my transition, will you…will you stay with me? Will you teach me how to do this?"
"Of course."
Elena rolled over so she was facing him, his arm tight around her waist so that she wouldn't fall. "Does it hurt?"
He brushed a few strands of hair back from her face, his features strained as she tried to remember, as he tried to consider what truths to tell her. "When your fangs come in, that will hurt. When you do turn, it will feel like you're dying and being born all over again. I'm not going to lie to you, it won't be easy…but the world will be a much more extraordinary place. Colors are brighter, sounds are crisper, foods are more delicious. It isn't all good though; there's the bloodlust that you will never quite get a full handle on, the out of control emotions you can shut off for a time, but only come back. You will love harder, you will hate deeper. You will crave everything as if you would die without it, not just blood. I will be here every moment of every day to get you through it. All you have to do, is choose me."
Elena took a deep breath, her last one as a human and nodded. She buried her face in his chest for a moment, breathing in the scent of him with her normal senses, memorizing the warmth of their bodies together…and then she looked up at him and nodded. "What do I have to do first?"
If I kiss you like this and if you whisper like that
It was lost long ago but it's all coming back to me
If you want me like this and if you need me like that
It was dead long ago but it's all coming back to me
It's so hard to resist and it's all coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now
But it's all coming back
There were those empty threats and hollow lies
And whenever you tried to hurt me
I just hurt you even worse and so much deeper
There were hours that just went on for days
When alone at last we'd count up all the chances
That were lost to us forever
Elena looked down at the words she'd just written in her diary and glared at them. My skin has turned to porcelain, to ivory, to stone. I crave blood more than I craved air when I was human. I know that I made the choice to turn myself. No one forced me, not even Damon. He was there through all of it. He held my hand as my fangs came in, then again when I fed. He compelled the memory away from the one I drank from and did his best to comfort me as I cried with guilt. We've been spending our days working through all the crap I've got to deal with now, as if Elena Gilbert didn't have enough baggage. She quickly ripped the page from its bind, batted it up into a little ball and tossed it across the room. Did she really want to remember all the pain she was going through? Did she want to record it all to reminisce about later in fifty or a hundred years when she was feeling nostalgic for the old days and took her diary from the shelf of many just like Stefan.
With a curse she tossed the diary in the same direction as the paper ball, but when she never heard the satisfying thump sound of it hitting the floor or the even more pleasurable breaking noise of the smashed lamp she looked up to find Damon, his hand out in the air as if he'd just caught it. "Didn't your librarian every teach you to respect your books?"
He smirked coming over to her and holding out his hand. "What are you doing here?" she asked, looking at his sun ring.
"I'm coming to take you to Bonnie's. She's agreed to make you one of these nifty little devices." He wiggled his fingers in front of her face and she swatted him away.
"I don't want one."
Damon sighed, having had this fight with her twice already this week. "Elena, you are going to need a ring. You are going to have to go outside sometime."
She shook her head and turned away from the window. It was almost midnight, so it was dark outside, but she knew the sun would rise soon and all the windows and curtains would have to be shut so she didn't burn to death when the sun rose as she slept. "The sun is outside Damon. There is people outside, people I could hurt. I don't want to go outside."
His patience was slowly becoming weaker with her and this was one fight he would not let her win. "You may be a vampire now, but I am still stronger than you. Don't make me carry you over my shoulder and bring you over to her house kicking and screaming like a wild banshee."
She glared up at him. "You wouldn't dare."
"Oh no?" he took the dare, hoisting her up off the window seat and into his arms. He tossed her over his shoulder like a weightless rag doll and turned to go out of her room. She kicked and screamed all right, and punched and bit and cursed his very existence. When they reached the bottom of the stairs he set her down on the second to last one so their faces were level, and kissed her hard.
That shut her right up and for a second she didn't respond. She was still trying to wrap her head around the whole idea when he pulled back and looked up at her. Then she was smiling and he was smiling and they were kissing again. She thought back to how they'd been upstairs a few seconds ago, facing off as they always were…well not always. Elena nearly staggered in her place on the step as a foggy memory slammed into her brain like a freight train. She grabbed onto the sleeves of Damon's jacket, fighting to keep herself upright as flashes of him played in her mind like an finished movie. There he was, standing before her; his eyes all sad and lost looking. He held her face and whispered he loved her, told her he didn't deserve her. She broke the kiss, falling back onto the step and looking up at him.
Damon saw the look in her eyes, and for the first time truly felt like a monster. He wasn't sure what it was he'd done to warrant that reaction from her, but he backed up a step, his hands out in front of him as if he was surrendering. "You bastard." She whispered, pushing herself up. "How could you do that?"
"Do what?" he took another step back when she advanced on him.
"You made me forget! You compelled me!"
His heart sunk in his chest and he tried to reach for her but she shook him off. "Don't touch me."
"Elena, please…try and understand. So many things were happening. I couldn't deal with secret anymore. I had to get it off my chest, I had to tell you…but you were so in love with Stefan and I didn't want to torture you with the knowledge that I loved you that much."
"So you took away my choice to make a decision again! Maybe if I'd known all this time that you loved me it wouldn't be taking me so long to figure out how I felt!"
He glared at her now, wishing he could pick her up and shake her. "Don't act all innocent. You've known for a long time how I've felt about you. The whole damn town knows. Christ, Isobel figured it out after a day and half."
Elena could feel the tears threatening to fall down her face but she shook them back and pushed past him. "Leave me alone." She shouted back, not caring if he was still there when she got home or not.
Damon stood there at the bottom of the stairs, staring at the open, empty doorway and fumed. He gave her a good few minutes head start before he followed her, not sure where she was going but knowing that he would have to find her before the sun rose. He couldn't go through losing her again, he just couldn't. Hell, he could barely stand the thought of it. "Elena!" he called her name, up and down the streets as he ran, searching for her aimlessly. He knew it was better to find her on foot than in the car, but an hour before sunrise he still hadn't found her and he turned around to go back to her house. He walked right through the open door he thought he'd closed and upstairs to her room. Relief flooded his body when he found her asleep in her bed. Carefully and quietly he walked over to the window and tugged the curtains closed.
As he did, he caught a glimpse of the small pearl ring on her right hand and kneeled next to her to get a better look at it. She must have gone straight to Bonnie's and then left before he'd gotten there. Always missing her by an inch, what else was new with them? With a sigh he brushed back the strands of hair that always fell in her face when she was laying down and lifted her hand slightly to kiss it. She had a ring, and they were one step closer to preparing her for the beauty of eternity that their life could be together. He just had to give her sometime and let her get over this anger she was feeling for him. It wouldn't be long now before she started remembering other things, things that would change her views on their relationship even more than she could expect. Slowly he stood, walked back to the window and opened the curtain back up.
He wished he could stay so he could see the smile on her face when she woke up in the morning with sunlight streaming in through her window, but he knew the second she would spot him the smile would disappear and he wasn't sure he would be able to stand that sight. "Goodnight Elena." He whispered and moved back. With an even heavier heart than normal he turned and left her bedroom, closing all the doors behind him.
When Elena heard the Camaro start and drive off she opened her eyes and let out the breath she'd been holding. She didn't need the air to survive, but her human habits were dying harder than she expected them to. Rolling onto her back she lifted her right hand up and looked at her new sun ring in the moonlight. The tiny pearl glinted, almost smiling at her and she closed her eyes, remembering how soft Damon's lips had felt on her skin. She was mad at him, furious at him…but could she really blame him? Deep down, when she really thought about it, she understood why he'd made her forget. She hadn't made her opinion on compulsion a secret, but he'd done it to protect her, to try and keep her sane. It hadn't worked, but he had done it for her.
She knew that eventually she would forgive him, she always did…just as he always forgave her when she hurt him. It wasn't over night and it wasn't always pretty but somehow- no matter what the other did they always found their ways back to each other. They would get through this too, she knew that. After all, they had an eternity to fight about it and whatever other things she would discover now that she was a vampire. They'd spent so much time fighting and thinking about all the chances they'd lost that they'd wasted the time of her human life to be together. Now they had forever and she was going to make each moment count. No doubt there were other things about him that would piss her off, scare her, disgust her…but she would learn each one and deal with it, and end up loving him for it because all the things that Damon did made him who he was. And that was the man she loved.
If you forgive me all this; if I forgive you all that
We forgive and forget. And it's all coming back to me
When you see me like this and when I see you like that
We see just what we want to see…
All coming back to me
The flesh and the fantasies all coming back to me
I can barely recall but it's all coming back to me now
Damon looked up from his book as the door to his bedroom opened. Elena stood there, her arms crossed over her chest and a completely pissed off look on her face. He hadn't seen her since last night, but it was apparent that in that time frame she had remembered a few more things…probably something very important. Slowly he folded the top corner of the page he was reading down and sat up, thanking the heavens he'd chosen not to wear a shirt because then at least he could distract part of her mind with his fabulous body. "Hello." He said casually, patting the spot next to him on the bed. "Care for a seat."
Elena huffed and walked around the bed to his side, grabbing the glass of warmed O negative he had on the bedside table and draining it. He watched with wide, mesmerized eyes as she swallowed and licked her lips clean. "That's all you can say to me? Hello?"
"I was trying to find out how angry you were at me." He threw his best charming smile, but she didn't seem like she was going to fall for that tonight.
"I hope you realize what a complete and total ass you are Damon Salvatore. All this time, not only have you been lying to me, keeping secrets from me…but you actually let me believe that I had met Stefan first."
He nodded, his suspicions proven right. "So you remember that too."
"Yes I remember that too!" she spat and ignored his outstretched hand. She had an entire rant prepared and she wasn't going to let his smooth, strong hands distract her from it. "As I was saying, you are a complete and total ass."
"I was thinking of getting a plaque made." He smirked and swung his legs over the side of the bed so he was facing her. "Alright, let's hear it."
She let her eyes wander over his, down his bare chest to the rippling muscles beneath. The plaid pajama bottoms he was wearing were a bit of a shock, but she had a feeling he was bare under them. "Do you even realize what you did that night? What you compelled me to do?"'
Damon thought back, doing his best to recall exactly what he had said to her. "Enlighten me."
"You!" she said loudly, pointed her finger deep into his chest. "You made it impossible for me to love anyone at all, especially you. You told me that I wanted a love that consumes me. That I want passion, and adventure…danger. So what did I do? I fell in love with the first vampire that I saw, and your compulsion had me working so hard to keep what you'd told me I needed. So hard, that I couldn't even realize it was you that I was supposed to be with."
She stepped toward him, close enough so that she was right up in his face. "What are you saying Elena?"
"I'm saying, that if it weren't for you and all your compulsion…we could have been together a long time ago. You messing with my mind has made it nearly impossible for me to find my way back to you."
Damon supposed he'd never really thought of it like that before, and even though he could sense the underlying anger within her, he could smell the desperation, the arousal and the attraction she felt for him. She needed him, and that she had remembered every moment of their lives together so far, she was ready to accept it. "So now that you know things you didn't know before, what are you prepared to do with the information?"
Elena looked down at him, shaking her head with a small smile on her lips. Only Damon Salvatore would be looking this smug, this cocky and be in this much trouble. "I am going to kiss you, for the first time knowing exactly who you are and what you mean to me."
His free hand wound into her hair, tightening and pulling her face up to meet his. Her eyes were open and when their gazes were connected he found himself unable to look away. There was so much emotion swimming in her eyes. Lust, passion, love, and the most surprising thing of all, it was all for him. She wanted him, and he would be damned before he let her get away again. He didn't speak, he didn't need to. Instead he crushed his lips to her, letting all the pent up passion and frustration he'd bottled since the day they'd met flow through the kiss. He remembered the first time he'd seen her, the real first time in the moonlight on the road as she waited for her parents. If only he'd known then that would be the night her entire life changed he would have done something about it.
He would have been there when the car went off the bridge and maybe he and Stefan could have saved them all; but he'd been selfish and his whole existence had been about Katherine. Up until Elena became more than a occasional daydream of course. Time had passed and she'd gone from an object to fantasize about to an actual woman he could see spending the rest of eternity with. Now, thanks to the cruel tricks of fate, they really could be together forever. He pulled back from the kiss, trailing his lips down over her chin and down to her neck as he pulled her over him and onto the bed. A low groan escaped his mouth as she settled over him and pressed her body flush against his.
He could feel every clothed inch of her, but it only made him want her more. Her hands moved up to frame his face, bringing his lips back to hers, desperate for more contact. She felt his fingers slip from her hips to her back and heard the clasp of her bra being undone. He tossed it and her shirt aside, moving back quickly to her waist, pulling her upper body over his face so he could taste the newly uncovered skin. Then suddenly she was up on her feet and he was ridding himself of his bottoms as he wiggled her way out of her jeans. They didn't need to communicate to know what the other was thinking, and a moment later they were back on the bed, a tangle of limbs once more. This time he was on top and she took a surprising amount of pleasure from feeling his weight over her. She bit her bottom lip, willing her fangs to stay up in her gums as she felt the hard tip of his erection tease her.
"There will be no going back after this Elena." He whispered, positioning himself to join their bodies. "Once you are mine, there will be no one else…for either of us. Not for the rest of eternity."
"I wouldn't want there to be." She leaned up to kiss him, gasping into his mouth when he finally made them one.
He captured all her murmurs and sighs, but when she moaned as he slipped into her, he broke the kiss, wanting to hear her. There was nothing sweeter than her voiced laced with lust and pleasure forming his name. She tried to lift up, to reach for him, but he kept her on her back, wanting to watch her face as he thrust into her, first painfully slowly, then almost inhumanly fast. She arched into him, the moon turning her skin to pale porcelain, and with her fangs out she looked like the most beautiful specimen of a vampire he'd ever seen. She was something between a comic book beauty and a temptress villain. She clung to him, her words almost unclear as he brought her up. He felt her tighten around him, heard his name fall from her lips and imagined the perfect bliss on her face as he brought her mind the peace she'd so desperately been needing. Her fingers tangled in his hair, but only for a moment, then they were all over him as she fought with herself, trying to touch him everywhere at once.
"Do you really want to belong to me?" he asked, almost frightened that she would say no, especially now that he was so close to never fearing that she would leave him again.
"Of course." She opened her eyes, smiling up at him comfortingly and he bent to kiss her gently, offering his wrist to her awaiting fangs.
"Then you need to drink from me as I drink from you. It's the most intimate two vampires can be."
She nodded, glancing up at him quickly before sinking her fangs into him. She wrapped her fingers tightly around his wrist, holding him to her mouth as she drank the dark, surprisingly sweet liquid. She didn't even get the chance to gasp when he bit into her neck, only focused on the intense tingling that floated through her body as she felt their bond strengthening. Gently, he eased her off and she noticed that he'd ended his bite and she'd already healed. With a disappointed sigh she released him as well, watching as the skin she pierced repaired itself before her eyes. "Wow." She looked up at him, smiling as the tingles went back to her toes and left her head feeling light.
"I love you Elena." He whispered and his fangs disappeared. He was her Damon again, and she did the same.
She was his Elena again, his Elena saying the most beautiful words he'd ever imagined. "I love you too Damon."
Then he was thrusting in and out of her quickly and she met him beat for beat as their love making became more primal than sweet. She dug her nails into his shoulders and let her head fall back as she screamed his name. Damon's release wasn't far behind hers and when they finished he collapsed against her, resting his head against her on the pillow. She didn't want to lose the connection of their bodies just yet, but he slipped out of her and pulled her tightly against him, the front of their bodies fitting together like two puzzle pieces. "Are you alright?" he asked quietly, brushing her hair back from her face.
She nodded, looking up at him and grinning. "I'm more than alright. I can't believe you made me wait that long to enjoy you."
He thought of saying that it had been her to make him wait, but that was a fight for another night. "Sweet dreams."
She smiled and snuggled up against his chest as he pulled the sheet up over her. He felt her lips press against his skin for a moment and knew that for the first time in a long time, his sleep would not be full of nightmares and unfulfilled fantasies.
a/n: well, my hubby went camping this weekend for May Long and left me home all alone for two and a half days. I really hate sleeping alone, more so than I thought I would, considering I slept alone for the first nineteen years of my life, but I'm missing him right now.
However, I'm nearly falling asleep as I'm typing so I will turn off my computer and hopefully have some inspirational dreams about my next few fics.