Title : Puddin' and Harleykins in the Never-Ending Christmas Fluff
Rating: T (For suggestive material, some language, and severe non-canon representations)
Summary: All Harley wants is a quiet evening with her Puddin' on Christmas...but why won't Batsy leave them alone? Join us in this insane romp through the inner bowels of OOCness!
Disclaimer: Sno-Chan doesn't own Batman nor is she making any money out of this. She is poor and can barely afford to keep herself in comics and dvds.

Notes: This was my entry for TheMadPuppy's "JHQ Christmas Drabble" contest. The fic was created from various conversations I've had with my buddy Marianne (TheMadPuppy) concerning fluffy JHQ and on ways it can be done well. Obviously, this is a prime example on how not to go about it. Enjoy.

Hugs go to my dear friend Amanda, for her help and patience.

Re-Edited 3/2/11: This was my first posted fanfic, but I think its message still stands. Even though it's a parody, I'm surprised that writing these lines (if one can call them that) didn't give me uncontrollable nausea and crying jags. So, SO not in-character...

PUDDIN' AND HARLEYKINS IN THE NEVER-ENDING CHRISTMAS FLUFF

(The Joker and Harley are sitting infront of a crackling fireplace in their decorated HaHacienda. Joker is wearing a Santa hat and Harley's in her red negligee.)

Harley: (taking a sip of her champagne) It's so nice ta be home for the Christmas season, Mistah J!

Joker: (extremely syrupy voice) It's only Christmas when I'm with you, Snugglebunny!

Harley: Oh, Puddin'!

(A graphic makeout session ensues, filled with whispered promises and giggles from both parties. It's pretty disgusting.)

Joker: (raising his eyebrows suggestively) Wanna move this into the bedroom, my sugary sweet morsel of love?

Harley: (sighing) I'm so happy. I sure hope nothing ruins this perfect evening!

(Suddenly, Batman crashes through the fucking wall!)

Batman: I'm quite aware there was an open window next to me, but I'm Batman and if I want to crash through a wall I will!

Joker: How dare you intrude upon this enchanted evening with my beautiful Harleykins!

Batman: In a complete divergence from my canonically established personality, I will now proceed to insult you both in a grade school manner and attempt to kill you.

Joker: (nods) Fair enough, it's only to be expected in situations like this.

Batman: (clears throat dramatically) I'm here to stop you for good, you pasty-faced morons!

Joker: Is that the best you can do, Bat CHUMP?

Batman: Actually, no. You have bad breath and Harley's nothing but a fat, whorish, idiotic excuse for a sidekick!

Harley: (stamps her foot) I am not fat! (to the Joker) Puddin', are ya gonna let him talk like that about me?

Joker: Of course not! Nobody talks about my cuddle muffin like that except for me! You're dead, Batsy!

Harley: (swooning) Oh, Mistah J!

Batman: Bring it on, Bozo!

(A complicated fight scene begins, and words like "swift" and "lunged" are used. Harley stands to the side and does nothing because this scene isn't about her. This goes on for about five paragraphs then the plot starts up again.)

Batman: (does a cool ninja kung-fu move) Give up, Joker!

Joker: (also does a cool ninja kung-fu move) Never!

Batman: Fine! (he pulls out a gun from his cloak and points it at Harley) The clown girl gets it!

Harley: (gasps) Save me Puddin', as I am incapable of defending myself!

Joker: No! I won't allow you to harm one hair on my smoochy gumdrop's little head!

(The author, growing weary of this fight, kills Batman in some highly contrived manner, possibly involving a balcony and a vat of radioactive piranhas.)

Harley: Mistah J! You saved me!

Joker: (taking her into his arms) I'd never let anybody hurt you, Harls. I love you!

Harley: Do ya mean it, Puddin'?

Joker: Certainly! Marry me, Harley-girl! And make me the happiest psychopathic clown on earth!

Harley: (squeals happily) Yes!

Joker: I can't live without you, sugarbug! You're my world! The reason I go on! Without you I am but a mere husk of a man!

Harley: I'm not goin' anywhere, Mistah J! We're gonna be togetha' forever!

Joker: I need your sweet cherry lips, and your shapely, yet toned body! I want to feel the heat of your divine river of love!

Harley: Take me, Mistah J! Give this good little girl her present from Santa!

(The fic rapidly devolves into a poorly executed PWP interspersed with Celine Dion lyrics. Its readers are left shaken and emotionally scarred.)