Yosuke should resent the hell out of Yu, and he knows it. Girls all go crazy for Yu. Yu is smart, kind, absurdly handsome, thoughtful, sincere and generous: perfect boyfriend material. Yosuke understands this, gets it totally. If he were a girl, he'd probably be just as flirty and wide-eyed as any of them.
Yu never does anything to encourage the flirting. In fact, Yu ignores all the various looks and smiles and hints, until the hints become outright confessions that he can't pretend aren't happening, and then he turns the girls down. Gracefully, gently, but still: he turns them all down. It's hard to resent a guy who apparently would rather not have the attention.
But it does bug Yosuke, especially at Christmas. If it had been him getting the response Yu gets from girls, Yosuke'd... well, he'd be dating Yukiko, most likely, although Chie would probably have killed him for doing something dumb by now. And Yukiko's kind of weird, now he knows her better. Maybe he'd be dating Rise instead. He'd certainly be dating someone if he were Yu; it's not like Inaba is that short on attractive girls, and Yu seems popular with all of them.
He works up the courage, a few days later.
"Y'know, I don't get it. Why the hell are you still single?"
Yu looks really, really awkward, which is unusual enough to be unsettling, and Yosuke half-expects - maybe even hopes, if he's being brutally honest with himself - to hear Yu say that he prefers boys. More realistically though, he thinks Yu might say something about how he's only in Inaba for a year and it's not worth the heartbreak. Or there's an outside chance Yu could still be hung up on some girl he left back in the city; he thinks Yu would have mentioned it before, but it's possible. What actually happens, though, is this: Yu looks sort of wistful at the question, and says that he thinks it'd be hard for anyone to date him. Yosuke asks why, obviously, and Yu tips his head to one side and says that the problem isn't dating, it's that one day they'd want to have sex, and he won't. He doesn't.
He sounds a little defensive, and Yosuke finds himself instinctively assuring Yu that that's fine, it's absolutely fine, geez, nobody says you have to want sex, right?
It's kind of amusing, though, that it only takes one quiet conversation - what amounts to a confession, or perhaps an unconfession - and suddenly Yosuke is grateful for Naoto's little lessons on how to do research properly. He trawls the internet over a few evenings, plugging in search terms he really hopes his parents aren't going to find out about. He finds stories and confessions and labels and none of it helps him that much if he's honest. It's just so alien to him; how can you not want sex?
Still, it's worth it. Next time he and Yu are alone in Yu's room, he asks Yu if asexual is a useful word.
Yu looks sort of pleased and surprised. "You looked it up?"
"Yeah," Yosuke shrugs. "I did."
That opens the floodgates. Yu looks grateful every time Yosuke supplies a word he's grasping for, or when he says he's read similar thoughts from other people. They talk, in a detached way, about the physical side of it; Yosuke gets the distinct impression that Yu has been longing to have someone to talk to about that in particular. Yu isn't that sure of his boundaries; kissing is fine, he thinks, from the couple of times he's tried it, and cuddling sounds actively good, but anything beyond that... well, he just isn't into the idea. It's not disgusting, or horrific. He thinks he could deal with it, if he had to. But it's unappealing, and he thinks he'd have a hard time getting in a state where he could do much. He generally doesn't get to that state, by himself, even if there's porn and, uh, physical stimulation. Most of the time, he doesn't bother. He doesn't seem to need to.
Yosuke nods, repressing totally inappropriate envy. Geez. Yosuke gets hard even when he really, really shouldn't. No wonder Yu accomplishes so much with his evenings.
They fall silent after a while. Yu eventually breaks it by saying that he does have feelings for other people, romantic feelings, not just friendship. He's not a robot. It's just that there's no, well, lust, if that's the right word. Yosuke can't resist it: he jokes that some girls might prefer their boyfriend that way. Yu gives him a long-suffering look for that, which he probably deserves. After a few more moments of thought, Yosuke says he thinks a lot of people really would still date Yu, even if they knew. Yu shrugs, and says he disagrees - or that they might, but they'd get tired of never having sex, or they'd want kids eventually - but it's nice that Yosuke thinks so.
Dojima calls up to tell them dinner is ready, and afterwards Yu seems sort of talked out for the evening, so they play a fighting game for a while and then Yosuke cycles home.
He thinks for a long time, that night. Yu doesn't do sex. Fine; Yosuke's half-formed little fantasies about Yu have gotten rather crushed, but he'd always felt guilty about thinking of Yu that way so maybe that's for the best. The thing that's throwing him is that Yu does do romance. Yosuke's never really tried to separate the two, not that way around. Sex without love makes instinctive sense to him; it's just hormones and physical stuff. Most of the porn he's ever seen is about pure lust without emotional involvement. But long-term romantic love without sex... that sounds like something out of a slushy drama at best.
He's sprawled out next to Yu on the riverbank, on an unseasonably sunny day in early February. Yu's reading one of those awful sentimental novels he seems to like, and Yosuke's poking around the playlists on his MP3 player. His phone rings. He looks and sighs in mild dismay at the name on the caller display.
Yu glances up from his book curiously. Yosuke sits up and turns the phone so that Yu can see the name Otsuri Kaoru before he rejects the call.
"Oh, that's right," says Yu, and looks back down at his book. "Weren't you supposed to be going on a date with her?"
"What? Nah. Chie's trying to set us up, that's all."
"Otsuri's nice. I helped her with some family stuff a while ago," says Yu, turning a page. "Pretty too. Why don't you want to date her?"
It's a reasonable question, but the answer jolts unexpectedly through Yosuke and ties his tongue in a sudden knot. Yosuke stares at the top of Yu's head, swallows, and says carefully, "Ah, there's kinda someone else I'm into."
Yu's eyes snap back up to meet his, and Yosuke is struck by how unreadable Yu's expression is sometimes.
"Huh," Yu says, and closes his book. "Anyone I know?"
"You know everyone I know, dude, I'm pretty sure."
Yu's eyes are wide and clear and expressive, and so the careful blankness in them is eerie. "Should I wish you luck?"
"Sure," says Yosuke, and he flops backwards onto his coat, spread out on the damp grass. "Luck, yeah. Honestly, partner, I have no idea what to do about it. I can't just-" and he bites his tongue.
"Ask someone out? I think yes, you just ask." Yu's tone is still neutral, but there's an edge of amusement to it now. "And hope they say yes."
"You make it sound a lot easier than it is."
He can hear Yu snort, gently. "If it's that difficult, clearly you don't want it enough."
There was a box in Yosuke's shoe locker.
He'd gotten his hopes up, a little, when he'd seen a small pile of chocolate on his desk. Not that Yu would have given him any, necessarily, but it'd be nice if someone - anyone - was nursing a crush on ol' Yosuke and wanted to express it. No such luck. Most of his chocolates were courtesy storebought ones from the kind of girls that gave chocolate to every guy in the class. The handmade ones were a product of a joint effort by Yukiko and Chie and Rise, clearly labelled with their names (and a 'don't get the wrong idea!' from Chie, as if he'd think they were serious). Somehow, Mystery Chocolate X really didn't appeal. One small box was even from Naoto, and bless her for thinking of him. At least it would be edible.
The last packet was from Teddie, unlabelled but very obvious; Yosuke had tried to explain why Teddie wasn't supposed to give him chocolate, but the dumb bear seemed set on the idea of giving basically everyone he knew handmade chocolate, including the girls. It was sweet, almost. He'd bought up half of Junes' stock of edible pink glitter. At least he'd cleaned up the kitchen after himself this time.
Yosuke had dithered for a while, and then bit the bullet and accepted that if he didn't give in to the urge to give Yu something, he'd feel like such a coward. He didn't rate his own chances of making chocolate to be high, though. So he'd gone to Okina City and, after poking around various stores for a while, had found a small (and stupidly overpriced) specialist shop that sold 'gourmet' bars of bitter chocolate flavoured with things like miso or durian. Given the weird stuff he'd seen Yu eat, that seemed just about right. Yosuke'd bought a couple of them pretty much at random, thinking he could perhaps melt them down and reshape them, so they'd be partly handmade at least. In the end, he couldn't get the kitchen to himself and there was no way he wanted to explain what he was doing to his parents - or to Teddie. Eventually he'd snuck them into Junes so he could at least wrap them up without attracting too much attention.
Yu's desk had been stacked neatly with lovingly crafted chocolate, beautifully wrapped, bows and frills and foil and ribbons everywhere. Yosuke'd watched Yu read some of the attached notes, a little crease forming and then deepening between his eyebrows. Yosuke couldn't muster up any envy, really; it looked a bit overwhelming. Yu did smile at the gifts from Chie and Yukiko and Rise and Naoto, however, and when Yosuke explained that Teddie had been responsible for the pink thing Yu was regarding with confusion, that earned another grin of appreciation.
Yosuke had slid his gift into Yu's schoolbag towards the end of the day, with a pang of guilt about adding to Yu's frowns, along with a hastily-scrawled and hopefully-anonymous-enough note that said, "no pressure". And then he'd bolted for the exit.
And he'd be halfway home by now, except there's a box in his shoe locker. It's red, and has a white ribbon, and there's no mistaking it for anything but a gift. Yosuke takes it out, reverentially, and smiles immediately as soon as he gets the lid off; inside the box is some sort of weird origami shape. He glances around, and then ducks into the men's room to hide in the cubicle.
Yosuke's hands are shaking, and he's terrified he's going to rip the... whatever-it-is; the damned thing is apparently multiple interlocked strips of flimsy rice paper, in different shades of greys and reds and pinks. He pauses to regard it for a moment, then decides it's supposed to be heart-shaped. That'd make sense. It looks alarmingly fragile. He fumbles it partly open without tearing it, and instead of chocolate there's just a scrap of normal white paper inside: a fortune from the shrine?
It's blank.
Yosuke rests his head against the cubicle door for a moment, baffled. What kind of weird mind games is Yu-
There is a cough, from outside the cubicle. "Yosuke?"
Yu. Yosuke recoils from the door, choking down a squeak of surprise. "Uh, yeah?"
"You got my gift."
"Yeah." Yosuke stares at the slip of paper in his hand, and says in a rush, "and it's blank inside, so what the hell does that even mean?"
"The same thing as no pressure?" There's a pause, then Yu sighs. "Can we go somewhere else, please? This isn't a conversation I want to have here."
Yosuke stares at the graffiti on the wall of the cubicle - for a good time, call Ebihara, for a better time, call Ohtani - and snorts. "Yeah, good call."
Somewhere else isn't far; Yu slides the door of the calligraphy room firmly closed behind them, muttering that he owes Kou a favour. After a moment of hesitation, they both sit awkwardly at a corner of the big table in the centre.
Yu rummages in his bag, and pulls out the bars Yosuke'd slid in there, and puts them on the table between them. "I've never even heard of these before. They look amazing."
Yosuke shrugs, sets the box on the table too, and strokes the lid gently. "Yeah, but they're just from a shop. You made an... origami riddle thing."
Yu smiles, wryly. "Between us, it's like one normal Valentine's day gift."
"Heh." Yosuke leans back in his chair. "So, uh. Okay. I mean it. If you want to."
Yu nods, and then stretches out his hands on his knees and stares at them. "You know I'm leaving in about a month? And... you know what I told you. If you really want a proper relationship, I'm going to be kind of a disappointment."
"I've had time to think about it, you know." Yosuke reaches out, and puts his hand over one of Yu's. "I'm turning down other dates, even, so tell me: you think it'd be worse than nobody?"
Yu regards him for a moment, and then leans forward and kisses him gently. He cups Yosuke's cheek on his hand as he does so, and Yosuke can feel his heart leap in delight.
Yu draws back, all too quickly. "Is that going to be enough for you? If that's the most I can offer?"
"I…" Yosuke wants to say yes, without qualifications, but something about the way Yu is looking at him makes him consider his words. "I don't know. But I really want to try and find out."
It's not easy.
Yosuke thought it would be, somehow. It should be. Okay, so they can't exactly tell everyone even if Yosuke sometimes wants to rub it in Rise's flirty face, but Yu's his boyfriend and that's a huge and wonderful thing.
And Yu is… adorable, honestly. He says these corny romantic lines and he holds Yosuke's hand when they watch movies and he kisses Yosuke sometimes and it's amazing. That should be enough. It's a hell of a lot; it's more than Yosuke thinks he deserves really. But in the back of his head, Yosuke knows, he just knows he was nursing this little forlorn delusion that actually he'd be Yu's magical exception to the 'not interested in more' thing. And so, it stings, a little, whenever Yu pulls back from another lingering kiss - Yu seems to really like kissing - and gives him that fond smile and then picks up a book or the game controller or does something that isn't escalating things physically.
Yosuke knew this would happen. Yu was absolutely honest with him, and Yosuke knows he should be fine with it, and so Yosuke just turns away and bites his tongue, torn between resentment and massive guilt.
Yu notices, of course. Yu makes a joke out of it, at first; he tells Yosuke to just take care of it himself, in an amused-but-kind way, and god that actually makes Yosuke feel awful after the first few times. Kind of pitiful and needy and disgusting all at once. Which Yu also picks up on, and so then they have to have an actual conversation about masturbation and how often Yosuke feels the urge and whether it's okay for him to think about Yu and it's mortifying.
Yosuke also hates that he can't help feeling like he's the problem here. Maybe if he were hotter - less scrawny, less unmuscled, handsomer, more graceful, stronger, better, whatever - then Yu's libido would magically burst into life. It's stupid, stupid - Yosuke knows it doesn't work that way - but it's an insidious little thought and it nags in the back of his head late at night when he's missing Yu and replaying their conversations in his head.
During their last week of school, however, Yu does something utterly unexpected; he starts pulling at Yosuke's belt when they're kissing on the sofa one afternoon, and when Yosuke shifts away - he's absurdly hard, and Yu's hand is too close - Yu makes a frustrated noise and then leans back.
"I'd like to see," he says, his face serious and intense. "Please. May I?"
Yosuke fumbles at his buckle, all ability to speak entirely gone, and soon he's kind of awkwardly leaning back against the arm of the sofa, his pants and boxers pulled down to mid-thigh. Yu just stares at Yosuke's erection, his face unreadable.
"Partner?" ventures Yosuke, after a few seconds, fighting the panicky urge to yank his pants back up or throw a towel over his lap or something.
Yu blinks, as if snapping out of a thought, and he sits back and smiles at Yosuke, kind of sheepishly. "I.. um, wow. Is it… I mean, you should get yourself off, if you need to."
Yosuke glances down at himself, wondering what the right thing to do is. Yu doesn't sound disgusted or alarmed, but then he doesn't sound like he's super-enthused about the idea either. Right now, Yosuke suspects that if Yu stares much more then Yosuke won't need to get off; being inspected like a science project isn't exactly the hottest thing he's ever experienced. "Right here? Do… do you actually want me to?"
Yu tips his head to one side. "I think so. Please?"
"Mm." Yosuke bites his lip, and nods, and closes his eyes because that way he can pretend Yu's expression isn't just curiosity and because oh god he's jerking off in front of someone else. It actually doesn't take long for him to reach orgasm once he starts, despite all his swirling thoughts and fears and embarrassment; and Yu even fetches him tissues to clean up with.
"Better?" Yu asks, pulling Yosuke into a sort of lazy sideways cuddle on the sofa afterwards.
"Mm," says Yosuke, aware of a number of things that he wants to know; what Yu's thinking, what he was thinking while watching, if he wants Yosuke to ever do that again. But right now Yosuke is sated and slightly sleepy and Yu's arms are warm around him and that's more important than any questions. He allows himself to drift into a half-nap against Yu's side while Yu picks up his discarded book again, the white noise in his brain drowning out any concerns.
Yu leaves Inaba a handful of days later, after that last, absurdly dramatic battle that clears the shadow world of mist and dissolves the nagging sense of unfinished business that's been lurking in Yosuke's gut for months. Yosuke manages to hold himself together enough to get through their farewells at the station, but gets a soppy text from Yu about an hour later that makes him have to suck in a deep breath and excuse himself from the rest of the team while he snivels quietly in Junes' staff washroom for a bit. The rest of the team pretend not to notice his red eyes afterwards; they're all cut up about Yu leaving, he guesses.
As it turns out, Yu comes back to visit often enough that Dojima jokes about actually formally adopting him. Things progress a little, physically, during these visits. Yu wants to see Yosuke shirtless, he says, and it only seems fair for them both to be half-naked, and it turns out that Yu's very happy to cuddle up with Yosuke that way, skin-to-skin. Yu says something offhanded about trust and non-sexual intimacy and Yosuke spends another night of research on that topic. From there they go to occasional back-rubs and foot-rubs; being able to make Yu nearly purr from a massage goes a long way towards convincing Yosuke that Yu is actually getting anything out of dating him, and the insidious shadow-like-voices in his head finally start to shut the hell up.
Yu says it's alright for Yosuke to think about him when he's fantasising, and so Yosuke does. It tangles him in spirals of guilt sometimes; they're fantasies and Yu said he doesn't mind and isn't going to ever know the content anyway, but still: it makes him feel like a creep. And at first he has a hard time getting over the Yu wouldn't do that barrier. He can't think about other people, that's worse - he tries to revive an old fantasy about Rise, early on, where she's totally into him and kinda slutty with it, but ugh. She's not Yu, and he wants Yu. He tries just thinking of anonymous porn actresses - and actors, once that occurs to him - but that feels wrong too.
He gives up entirely on the whole dealing with it himself thing for a while, in fact - if Yu doesn't need to, maybe Yosuke can do without too - but it turns out that complete abstinence makes him really short-tempered and pissy. His Dad hauls him aside for yelling at the new staff members they've hired, and then Chie tells him he's being a douchenozzle lately, and then he wakes up one morning with embarrassingly sticky sheets but in a better mood than he's been in for a couple of weeks. So that's that idea out of the window.
He gets over the guilt, slowly. In his fantasies, Yu kisses him, and touches him, and sucks him off, or enthusiastically encourages Yosuke to fuck him against walls or into the bed. Or sometimes he thinks of Yu fucking him, or gasping in pleasure as Yosuke blows him, or (in one particularly memorable fantasy that makes Yosuke flush with heat and embarrassment at liking the idea) jerking off onto Yosuke's face. His imagination is fertile, it turns out, as long as he's thinking about Yu.
In front of Yu himself, however, it's like his mind shorts out. He doesn't imagine anything, doesn't see anything behind his eyelids, just hears Yu's even breathing and the obscene sound of his own hand moving on himself, and somehow that's still enough to tip him over because Yu is there, Yu is okay with him doing this, Yu wants him to feel good.
Yu invites Yosuke to stay with him in the city over winter break, and Yosuke finally meets Yu's parents, who turn out to be both friendly and rather unconcerned about keeping them under supervision during Yosuke's visit. Yu's door has a lock and they can share a bed without worrying about being found semi-naked together; it's wonderful to go to sleep in Yu's arms. The city makes Yosuke feel drugged with excitement and happiness; so many cool things to see and the music shops are brilliant and Yu just grins at him in delight when he expresses enthusiasm about anything.
Yosuke gets to meet a few of Yu's new schoolfriends, too; the girls give Yosuke a distinctly knowing look that presumably means they've guessed that he and Yu are an item, but if Yu's not worried then Yosuke's not going to worry either. The guys are either oblivious or really don't care; they quiz Yosuke about Rise instead, and then about Yukiko - clearly they've seen some photos of Yu's friends back in Inaba - and then they all fall into a conversation about bands and gigs and Yosuke feels like he's not doing too badly for a country bumpkin really.
And when Yu and Yosuke are alone, they kiss, or cuddle a bit, or just lean against each other while they read or listen to music or play games. Sometimes Yosuke gets hard, but he's finding it easier and easier to ignore that while Yu's there. Sometimes Yu notices, and some of those times Yu convinces Yosuke to do something about it right there and then, but mostly it's not as important as everything else; the contact, the conversation, the closeness.
And then on the last evening they're lying in bed together, and Yu kisses him, and then he utterly blindsides Yosuke by sliding his hand into Yosuke's boxer shorts and wrapping his hand around an erection Yosuke'd barely noticed he had.
"Oh god," he manages to say against the sudden surge of blood. "Are you serious?"
"Let me help you," says Yu, softly - gripping him too loosely, moving too slowly, but just knowing it's his hand makes up for all that as far as Yosuke is concerned. "I want to, okay?"
Yosuke rolls onto his back, and Yu pushes down the covers and gives him a distinctly inexpert but astonishing handjob. Yosuke's worried at first he's just going to come immediately, because holy crap Yu is jerking him off, but thankfully Yu's awkward technique is enough to rein it in a little. When Yosuke does finally orgasm - in a sudden, rushing spasm that curls his toes and floods him with warmth - it's partly from glimpsing the look of growing confidence and smugness on Yu's face.
His mind almost a blank afterwards, he lets Yu clean him up, and then Yu curls around him in a contented embrace, with a distinctly proud expression. It doesn't feel like Yu's sporting an erection himself, which Yosuke is pretty used to normally, but this time he can't really work out what he's supposed to do next. Yu's just made him come, shouldn't he… reciprocate? He lets his hand drift down towards the front of Yu's boxers, but Yu intercepts the movement and shakes his head slightly as he laces his fingers with Yosuke's.
"Ah, sorry," he says. "Don't worry about it."
Yosuke just sighs, and rests his head against Yu's shoulder, and tries not to wish things were different.
Yosuke'd kind of assumed their friends knew they were an item. Just their close friends - Yosuke has had nightmares about Dojima finding out, and he suspects his father would freak out entirely. They don't precisely advertise it, sure - and Yosuke takes care to loudly admire some girls in school from time to time, because he's really not ready to be out to Yasogami High at large - but Yosuke had thought the old team members were in on the secret somehow. Except that it turns out that he and Yu weren't that obvious after all, and he only realises when Yukiko tries to set him up with some girl in the year below.
"Uh, no thanks," he says, when she asks if he'd like to take Tetsuya-chan on a date, a bit confused by the offer but assuming she's just playing along with the not totally in love with Yu routine in her own flaky way.
Chie - as always, at Yukiko's elbow - blinks, frowning. "What's wrong with her?"
He stares at Chie, bewildered, and then says carefully, "Nothing, probably? She's just, um, not my type."
Chie's frown deepens.
Before she can ask anything, Yosuke's phone trills, and there's a message from Yu - just a normal, dumb one about how Yu's bored and loves him and misses him. Yosuke grins, and is about to send a reply when Chie plucks the phone from his hand.
"Hey!"
"Well, clearly you're more-" she blinks down at the message, and her expression visibly passes through confusion and into sudden startled realisation, "-uh. More, uh, interested in, oh. Um." She thrusts the phone back into Yosuke's hand, and grabs Yukiko's elbow. "Hey, uh, Yukiko, maybe we should go fix your hair in the bathroom. Right now."
Yukiko, looking as confused as Yosuke feels, lets Chie haul her out of the classroom.
Yosuke stares after them for a moment, then stares at his phone, then it all clicks together and his jaw drops.
A quick poll of the second-years, after school ends, reveals that Rise didn't actually know - though she figures it out from Yosuke's not-carefully-enough-phrased question, and she squeals and hugs him delightedly and babbles enthusiastically at him about how it's wonderful and she'd always kind of thought there was something there. Naoto just gives him that clear, unruffled look and says that of course she knew, but it wasn't her business to discuss the matter. Kanji gives him a long, silent look, and then he snorts and says that it figures, and that is pretty much as much of that conversation as Yosuke can deal with having right then.
Chie ambushes him by the shoe lockers, and they walk down to the flood plain together in silence as Yosuke tries to work out if she's taking the news well or not.
"...it is fine," she says, eventually, as they sit and stare out at the river together. "It really is. It's just a bit of a shock. How long has it been?"
"Valentine's day, last year," says Yosuke, quietly.
Chie inhales shakily. "That long. Huh. Okay."
He looks at her, and wonders. She'd been pretty smitten with Yu, he knew. She was dating Kou now - and god, it had taken Kou ages to actually get up the nerve to ask her - but maybe she still kind of held a torch for Yu all the same. "I… know you liked him."
She laughs, as if startled. "Well, sure, before. But that's not-" she elbows him, suddenly, hard. "I'm happy for you, you idiot. It's just weird."
Yosuke nods, and jams his hands down into his pockets. "Yeah. I kind of can't believe it half the time, you know?"
"I bet. He sure traded down." Yosuke aims a kick at her ankle, which she dodges with a giggle. "You know I'm kidding. Mostly. And you're happy, right?"
Yosuke leans back against the railings, not really sure he wants to get into details but this is Chie and if there's anyone at all who he can be honest with, it's her. "Most of the time? It's not perfect, I gotta say. And it sucks being so far away."
"Geez, it's just hit me - that's the real reason he keeps visiting? To see you?" Chie pouts. "And here I thought he missed all of us."
"Oh, he does, or else I'd go visit him all the time instead. When he comes here I have to share his time."
She snorts, and then pulls a face. "Yukiko's a bit annoyed, I think. Not that you're together, but that you guys didn't tell us sooner."
"I kind of thought everyone knew." Yosuke pulls out his phone, and thumbs open his messages idly. I love you, reads the end of the last message Yu sent him, and it makes him smile again to see it. "I thought it was obvious. I'm crazy about him, seriously."
She nudges him, gently. "Good."
They stare at the river together.
"Uh," says Chie, after a while. "Not perfect, though?"
Yosuke gnaws at his lower lip, then nods. "I… it's hard, having to hide it from our families. And, uh, there's personal stuff I can't tell you about too. But it makes it awkward sometimes."
She gives him a long, cynical look. "I'm pretty unshockable. Yukiko has a huge collection of boys-love manga in her bedroom."
"Urk, that's… oh god, I didn't need to know that."
"Some of it's really detailed." Chie stares out at the river again. "So if it's sex stuff, I can handle…"
"It isn't." Yosuke heaves in a breath. It's not like there's anyone else he could possibly confide in. "Or it is, but it isn't. We don't, really. That's kind of the thing here."
Chie's eyebrows curl into a frown, then bounce up again in surprise, and then she frowns again. "What, never?"
"Once, kind of." Yosuke plucks a piece of grass, and starts picking the seeds from it idly. "He's… I want to, he doesn't. It's not a problem, it just means I have to, you know, not have sex."
"So what's the point of you guys dating then?"
Yosuke glances at her, and he must look kind of exasperated or angry because she immediately flaps her hands in apology.
"I mean, couldn't you guys just stay best friends, if you're not, you know?"
"We do kiss and, uh, other stuff. Look, if he was a girl and I said we hadn't slept together yet you'd think that wasn't that weird."
She frowns again, and clasps her hands together on her lap. "I guess. Is he, uh, because you're both guys or-"
"No. He just doesn't want it at all, with anyone." Yosuke picks another piece of grass. "Actually, I'm kind of glad. He'd probably have asked out you or Yukiko or Rise or someone last year, but this is what stopped him from doing that."
Chie makes a thoughtful noise, and then she shakes her head. "I don't think that's true… you know, I was thinking about it earlier, and he always kind of looked at you differently than everyone else."
Yosuke flushes, and stares at the mangled grass in his hand. "Well, anyway. It's fine. It's just kind of… frustrating sometimes. But he's totally worth it, don't get me wrong."
Chie shuffles sideways, and drapes her arm across his shoulders, startling him. "Oh, Yosuke. You're a dork, you know that?"
"Funny thing, you keep reminding me."
"Look, I get it. You love him. I'm not going to think you don't, just 'cause you need to vent a bit. Okay?"
Yosuke lets himself lean into the hug for a moment. "Thanks."
Yu's next visit involves so very many knowing and amused looks from their various friends that Yu eventually just takes Yosuke's hand under the table and squeezes it reassuringly. Yosuke tries not to freak out; they're in Junes and he really, really, needs not to be seen holding a guy's hand here. It is comforting, though, to know that Yu genuinely isn't grumpy at him for having outed them to the whole team. He squeezes back, and then lets go, and Yu doesn't try to hold his hand again.
"Sorry," says Yosuke, that evening. "I kind of wasn't thinking, you know."
"It's okay," says Yu, as he had when Yosuke had called in a panic originally. "I'm glad they know."
Yosuke sighs, and leans against Yu's side. "I just wish they'd stop all finding it so funny."
"Give them time." Yu turns, and presses a kiss to Yosuke's neck. "It is funny to them, probably."
Yosuke relaxes into that, and then turns and lets Yu catch his mouth for a proper kiss. He breaks away after a while, and turns to grab his remote control; he rented a movie that he kind of figured Yu'd want to see with him.
Except that Yu takes the controller out of his hand, and puts it down, and kisses him again, and keeps kissing him until Yosuke's kind of breathless.
"Partner," says Yosuke when he's let up for air again, "you're… a bit intense today."
Yu pauses and studies him for a moment before sitting back with a weird huffing sigh. "I've applied to study engineering at Keio."
"In Tokyo?"
"Yes." Yu looks a bit embarrassed. "My expected grades are pretty good, so everyone thinks I'll get in."
Pretty good means astonishingly high, Yosuke knows from experience of hearing Yu describe his schoolwork, and everyone means… that Yu's probably been drooled over frantically by the admissions people already.
"Holy crap. That's great - it's amazing."
"I'm excited, yes." Yu looks down, and then sighs again. "But it's going to be hard work, and I… I don't think I'll be able to visit Inaba so often."
Oh.
"It's partly the money, and I'll probably need to be studying more, and…" Yu leans forward and kisses Yosuke again, gently. "I don't want to be - if it's going to be difficult for you, and you want us to take a break-"
Yosuke hits Yu in the arm. A little harder than he'd meant to, from the way Yu's face creases in surprised pain. "Don't you dare."
"Ow, okay, okay." Yu smiles again, looking relieved. "You're really okay with this? I might only be able to come see you a few times a year at most."
"So I'll come see you sometimes." Yosuke leans back, thinking. "I'm not happy but, c'mon, we'll manage. We've got phones and it's not forever."
Yu's smile makes Yosuke's heart ache a little, so Yosuke leans forward and kisses him once more time before grabbing his remote control again.
Yu visits again, during Golden Week, and there's something about the way he's just a bit more tactile than usual in public that makes Yosuke feel tense with anticipation for a couple of days. And indeed, when they finally get to spend some time alone, Yu pretty quickly pushes Yosuke onto the sofa and starts unbuckling his belt.
Yosuke squirms away, a bit panicked. "Uh, you really don't have to do that."
"But I want to."
Yosuke isn't really sure he can argue with that statement, and can't really work out why he has any problem with the idea until afterwards, when Yu curls up against him and Yosuke finds himself wishing Yu was even a little bit aroused by what he's just done.
He groans, and forces himself up into a sitting position. Yu frowns up at him.
"I don't want you to do that again."
"You-"
"No, I know you like making me happy, and it does but, partner." Yosuke scrubs at his face, trying to explain properly. "Look, if you do stuff like this, I'll keep hoping one day you'll do more, and that's not good for either of us."
Yu blinks, his expression going very controlled.
"And I keep feeling awful." Yosuke sucks in a breath, and then reaches out and puts his hand on Yu's crotch. "I'd only want you to do that if I could do the same to you in return. And I can't."
Yu pushes Yosuke's hand away, angrily, and sits up. "You're being unfair."
"No, you are." Yosuke shakes his head. "I feel miserable that I don't turn you on, do you know that?"
And now Yu just looks kind of horrified and guilty, which isn't what Yosuke wanted. "But-"
He grabs for Yu's hands, and clutches at them. "Ugh. Please don't be mad. I just, it feels wrong when you do it and I can't do it back, okay?"
Yu stares at him, and then pulls his hands back. "I make you miserable?"
"No, I didn't mean it like that."
Yu rolls away from him, and then he stands up and starts pulling on his clothes, while Yosuke babbles frantically about how he didn't mean miserable and how most of the time it doesn't matter and please don't leave.
It doesn't matter. Yu quietly finishes getting dressed and then he quietly closes the door behind him as he leaves and somehow that's worse than if he'd slammed the door behind him.
Yu is frosty towards him all of the next day, as the whole investigation team hangs out in Okina City. It makes Yosuke feel dreadful, and he's utterly terrified that Yu's decided that's it and they're no longer boyfriends. Kanji pulls Yosuke aside after lunch and asks him what the hell's wrong and Yosuke stammers something out - he's not even sure it's coherent - that makes Kanji's face look the way it does when he sees a video of a small animal, and then Yosuke's being hugged by six-foot something of reformed delinquent and trying not to actually cry.
The flood of frantic voicemails Yosuke leaves that evening apparently doesn't make Yu think he's a crazy obsessive stalker, because Yu turns up at his house at an absurdly early hour of the next morning. Yosuke's parents are a little startled, but Yosuke doesn't care, and he drags Yu up to his room and switches on some music for what little privacy that'll afford against curious eavesdropping.
"I shouldn't have-" he begins, but Yu shakes his head really firmly, cutting him off.
"No. You're right, I was being an ass too."
Yosuke blinks, surprised.
"Chie called me last night," says Yu, as he sits on Yosuke's bed. "She said a lot of dumb things, really, but she did make me think."
Yosuke sits down cautiously next to Yu, hope rising in his chest.
"You know you've never ever initiated anything more than kissing? And for ages you didn't even do that; I always had to kiss you first."
Yosuke flushes. It's true; he always lets Yu lead because that way he won't make Yu do anything he's not comfortable with. He opens his mouth to defend himself, but Yu's already talking again.
"But you've never said no before. And I think I took it for granted that you would always be okay with anything I'd be okay with." Yu sets his hand, palm-up, on the bed between them. "And then you suddenly weren't, and then said I made you miserable for something I can't even fix. It was like being slapped twice."
His fingers twitch, and suddenly it clicks, and Yosuke puts his hand on top of Yu's. "I didn't mean it."
"Yes, you did. And I'd rather you tell me if there's a problem."
"I just… I feel like we're unbalanced enough already, you know?" Yosuke hurries forward, before Yu can object to that. "And if you do things like that too, it's just, I'm never going to get to make you feel like that in return."
"Why are you so obsessed with fairness?" Yu pulls Yosuke's hand towards him, and he doesn't sound annoyed, just curious. "It's not fair for you to not get what you need from the relationship, either, if you think of it that way."
Yosuke shakes his head. "Don't, please. I just… it's just wrong in my head, okay? It feels like you're doing it just to make me happy, and I don't want that."
Yu nods, slowly. "Alright."
"Everything else is good though. And hell, maybe one day this will be fine, I don't know. But right now, I just - I just can't."
Yu bites his lip, and nods again. "Can I still watch, sometimes? If I don't touch."
Yosuke can feel how pink he's going at that thought. "I don't get why you want to."
"Just because I'm not aroused doesn't mean I'm not enjoying it, you know." Yu leans against Yosuke's side. "I like touching you because your skin feels good, and I like kissing you because your mouth feels good, and I like watching you because you look good. I might not get off on it, but I like it."
Yosuke rests his head against Yu's, baffled but too flattered to argue any more. "Alright. But just sometimes."
And the thing is, the amazing thing, is that having a proper fight over the sex stuff actually makes Yosuke feel so much better. It's like a pressure's been lifted, somehow.
When Yosuke says this to Yu, Yu ruffles his hair and says that they really should have been communicating better about boundaries from the start, and then Yosuke elbows him and tells him that they're allowed to mess up, and then Yu pokes him deliberately in the ribs and then they're giggling like a couple of kids and it's awesome.
Yu gets into Keio, to nobody's surprise. Yosuke, on the other hand, gets onto the music accreditation course Yu'd pushed him to apply for, the one he'd read the description of in the college pamphlet and had made they'd never want me though comments about.
Yu is probably prouder on Yosuke's behalf than he is about getting into his absurdly competitive top-tier university. They make grand plans together on the phone; one day Yosuke's going to teach music and Yu's going to design things that are useful and beautiful, and they'll live in a little apartment near the beach. They'll paint their bedroom green, they'll find a little cafe nearby that does awesome coffee, they'll get a bathtub big enough for both of them, and they'll be happy.
Yosuke's not so blinded by love that he thinks it's all going to be easy from here on; they have years to go before they can have that future, and who knows what life will decide to throw at them in the meantime. But he's optimistic. It doesn't matter if their relationship makes sense to anyone except themselves. It doesn't have to. It just has to work for them.