So down he went, to the kitchens. But he couldn't find them!! He had never been there, or been told were they are. So he sniffed the air. Ah-ha!! He smelled turkey cooking, so he followed his nose.
He walked for nearly half an our, before he came to a big wooden door, which was were the smell seemed to be coming from. He pushed the door open.
An incredible sight met his eyes. All around him there was action. Spoons were stirring batters, and pouring them into cake pans. Turkey basters were basting the many cooking turkeys. Bags and bottles of ingredients were flying across the room and emptying themselves into massive cauldrons.
The smell was delicous. From what Harry could see, there were at least two dozen recipes being baked, roasted, fryed, and sauteed.
Since there was no one there, no one would mind if he had something to eat. He dipped his finger into a big bowl full of chocolate filling (of course, he had forgotten to wash his hands after todays death bomb, and giving the whole school a stomach virus)
Anyway, he lifted his chocolate covered (and disease infested) finger to his mouth. Mmmmm, my was it delicous (he wouldn't be thinking that later when he was on crapper)
After tasting that chocolate, he suddenly had the desire for a nice cool glass of milk. He walked to the huge refrigorator, and opened it.
On the floor there were about 8 beer cans, Professor Snape, and a couple of smoked joints. Harry couldn't give a damn about his drunk and drugged-out teacher, so he stepped over Snape.
The refrigeorator seemed to go on and on forever, filled with so many kinds of things to eat and drink, Harry couldn't believe it.
After walking for 10 minutes, Harry came upon a door, which said "Teachers Private Area" Naturally ignoring the sign, he pushed to door open. Inside were about 20 shelves lined with huge barrels of wine and beer, and all sorts of hard liqour. There was a cabinet filled with cartons of cigarettes, joints, bags of marijuana, heroin needles, and two 5 pound bags of cocaine. Harry took a carton of cigarettes, he was feeling a bit tense, and a good smoke usually made him feel better. In the corner was a closet filled with 5 different bongs, for bong hits. There was also a little greenhouse for growing their own marijuana.
"Man" thought Harry, as he grabbed a couple of little bottles of Absolut vodka, as presents for Ron and Hermione "I could do some major dealings. If Ron helped, he would never be poor again!!"
Harry left the room, not craving milk anymore. All he could think about was how the girls would love him when they found out he was a big time dealer.
He then broke into a run, not being able to wait to tell Ron and Hermione what he had found. Just about when he reached the door, he tripped over something. It was Snape still now awake. He must have been tripping, because he was eating cigarette butts. Snape hadn't even noticed Harry, he was too busy eating off the floor.
Harry got to his feet as quickly as he could, and ran out the door of the fridge. The spoons and mixers were still hard at work.
With a shaking hand, he opened the box of Camels (his favorite brand) and put a ciggy in his mouth. Damn, he must had dropped his lighter. No matter, he would just use his wand. He lit the cigarette and took a deep, long, breath. He sat there for several minutes, until the cigarette burned out. He wished he had some ecstasy. He had taken some a month ago, and Hermione told them that he had made out with Ginny. Boy, did he go through hell trying to tell Ginny he had no feelings toward her.
Maybe the teachers had some ecstasy in their little room. He got off the stool he was sitting at, and picked up his cigarette butt, Snape would be grateful for it. As he walked toward the fridge door, a deep voice boomed out from behind him
"Boy, what are you doing?!"
Harry spun around. There was a woman who was about 6 feet tall, and 3 feet wide. She had puffy blonde hair, small blue eyes, and bright red cheeks and lips. She was wearing a pink dress that came to her knees, with a stained white apron. In her left hand she was holding a wooden spoon which was dripping sauce on the sparkling white, clean floor.
"I was...I was.." He began
"Oh, you're hungry aren't you, my dear?" she said, dropping the gruff voice she had used before.
"Uhhhh, yeah." Harry said, and he immediately shoved the cigarette butt into his pocket.
"Here, have a taste!!" she said as she shoved the wooden spoon halfway down his throat.
"Good??" the woman asked as Harry coughed and sputtered.
"Yes.....very good."
"Excellent!!" she boomed, and with that she sat Harry down on the same stool he had been sitting on.
"Now, my dear, what is your name??"
"Harry Potter"
"The Potter boy, eh?? I am Bethany Gross, but the kids call me the Big B.J."
"Really?? 'Cause I have never heard anyone talk about you."
"I was popular in your fathers time here. He kept stealing food from here. And he payed dearly when I found him out!!" And when she said this, she smacked the wooden spoon against the counter.
"I always liked your dad, well, only after he allowed me to punish him. He was a demon in the sack, your father." B.J. boomed out
"What?!" Harry yelled
"Nothing. Boy, do you like turkey??" she asked, leaning close to him.
"Yes"
"Good!! Then have all you like!!" she yelled as she banged a pan that had a 17 pound turkey on it.
"All yours!! Go on, boy eat!! You need some meat on your bones!!" she said as she reached around and pinched Harrys ass.
"Hah!! Just as I thought!! Flat as a pancake, just like your father, before I was done with him!! After that his bottom was like a roast!!"
Harry was sickened. He wanted to be away from this pervert. But she frightened him, so he began to cut up the turkey
*********************************************
Three hours later, Harry had eaten 15 pounds of turkey. He felt more sick than he had ever had. For the whole three hours, BJ had been standing over him, occasionally egging him on, but other than that, saying nothing.
"Alright, you've eaten your fill. You can go." she said as she pulled the turkey pan away from him.
Harry got slowly to his feet. He knew exactly what he was going to do. He was going to the bathroom, stick his wand down his throat, and throwup the turkey.
"Off you go, boy!!" and with that she slapped his ass so hard, he went flying out the kitchen door.
He started running to the boys bathroom. He threw open the door, ran to a stall, got on his knees, took out his wand, and stuck it down his throat. Suddenly, he felt his stomach muscles contract, and before he knew it, 15 pounds of half-way digested, half-way cooked turkey was coming out his mouth. He retched for like, 7 minutes, before everything was out. The toilet was almost overflowing with steaming puke. He sank down to lay on the cold floor, and fell asleep.
*********************************************
"Up, Potter, get up"
Harry felt someone nudging him. He looked up, it was Snape, and Snape wasn't nudging him, he was kicking him.
"Come on Potter, get your candy-ass off the floor!!"
Harry stood up
"What the hell were you doing, Potter??"
"Sleeping, sir"
"Why the hell on the floor, Potter?? Did you know how much barf you left in the toilet?? Do you have a clue how awful it smells in here, Potter? Worse than your death-bombs, that's what." After he said that, he coughed, and a cigeratte butt came out of his mouth and hit Harry in between the eyes.
"Sorry, sir."
"Get out of here Potter."
"Yes, sir"
And Harry left the bathroom.
*******************************
Harry got up to Gryffindor tower within 5 minutes. He couldn't wait to tell Ron and Hermione what had happened. He also wanted to enjoy the little bottles of vodka he had picked up.
"Ron, Hermione, guess what?!" Harry yelled. There was no need to yell because they were the only ones in the tower, but Harry was going deaf, so he had been talking louder than necessary lately.
"What?" Ron said, looking up from the game of Gobstones he was playing with Hermione. Hermione didn't say anything because she was too busy trying to get the liquid the stones sprayed out of her eyes.
And Harry told them the story of the kitchen, the drug and alcohol room, and the perverted school cook.
"Wow" Ron said "Of all the times we could've gone into the school kitchens to get high"
"Owwwwww" said Hermione. Now the liquid was almost burning her eyes out.
"Oh, for heavens sake!" Harry yelled. He pulled out his wand and jabbed it in her left eye and said 'Drekomis Sewt'! and then repeated with the right one.
"Thanks" she said
"Now, let me give you your Christmas presents." Harry said. Ron and Hermione had already given him their gifts. Ron had given Harry some insence and an insence holder, to get rid of the smell of pot they had been smoking. Hermione had given him a box of chocolate frogs, because the pot did make him awfully hungry.
"Oh no, Harry, you didn't have to." said Ron
"No, really, here you go." and Harry handed both of them 3 bottles of vodka each.
"Alright, these will go great with dinner!" Hermione exclaimed
"What? I haven't missed it?!" Harry said
"Why no. It's going to start in like, 5 minutes, we better get downstairs!" said Ron
***************************************
The feast had already started when they go there.
Right after they sat down, they poured their vodka bottles into their goblets, and didn't even bother to water it down, for they loved getting stone-cold drunk.
Within 10 minutes of drinking that hard liqour, they had linked arms and started singing Marilyn Manson, their favorite group.
"Oh, the beautiful people, the beautiful people!!" they sang in their off-key, drunken voices.
They were a bit afraid they might get caught by the teachers, so they went back to Gryffindor tower to smoke the joints Hermione had gotten from the Weasley twins, who were the biggest dealers in the school at the time.
They wouldn't have been caught by the teachers, because half of them had passed out, and McGonagall was going to a long haired guys house to get a shot of adrenaline, given by John Travolta.
So, the 3 friends stumbled up to Gryffindor tower, and couldn't remember the password, so Ron had to do a Chippendales dance to get the Fat Lady to open up.
"I'll get the stuff" said Hermione, and she shuffled up to her dormitory.
Meanwhile, Ron read Harry the letter his brother Percy had sent him. It appeared that he had been thrown out of the Burrow, because Mrs. Weasley had caught him banging Penelope Clearwater on the counter.
Harry barely paid attention to the letter. He missed Fred and George. Fred had gone to Rehab treatments, and George had run away from school to see his dull-witted girlfriend, B.B.
While Ron droned about Percy banging, Hermione fell down the stairs, holding the bag of joints. The drunken bastard got up, she barely knew what had happened.
So they sat down across from eachother, and lit up. After about 8 hits each, they felt to sick to take anymore. Hermione was throwing up in the fireplace, Ron had torn the curtains off the windows, and was now screaming "Toga, toga, toga!!" And Harry was trying to climb the walls.
At 3 o'clock that morning, they came down off their high. (They were very strong joints you see, wizard drugs, imagine how strong they are!!) They fell asleep almost immediately after streaking across the grounds.
When they woke up the next morning, sure enough the stomach virus Harry had given everybody had spread like wildfire. Throw-up was ankle deep in the castle, and there were only 50 people there!!
Since Harry was the carrier, the disease did not affect him at all, and became known as Stomach-Virus Harry.
YTHE END
Authors Notes: Cool huh?? I put more effort into this one. If you read it right, you will see a made some relevances to my favorite movie, tv show, and my fave rock group.
Oh yeah, I just thought I'd let you know before you people get all hysterical (as usual) that I am NOT trying to glamorize drugs or alcohol. They are very bad, and should be avoided (I don't believe this, just trying to keep you little bible tapping people happy.)
And another thing: I am so sorry my stories don't have fluffy bunnies and big puffy clouds, and bright sunshine (I got that from someone at FF.net, thanks, bro!!) Maybe I should fall into line with you other robots, eh?? Maybe I should write little cutsie pie romance stories, like you do. I'm sorry, no. That is really stupid. I am better than you, because I am unique. I am. Have you ever read stories like mine on FF.Net?? I don't think so. It's people like me that keep life interesting.
fFor more info on death-bombs, read my story "Harry Potter and the Death-Bomb" or ask my father!! (he came up with the concept of death-bombs, not me)