A/N: The first bit is (before the first star) is entirely mine. The rest is co-wrote between RetrieverOfLemons on deviantART (her username is Retriever240). She is an awesome internet friend and we are currently writing a Harry Potter/Hetalia fic together. Warning: It has Poland and France. Together. Prepare for awesomeness.
I hope you like it! It's very cracky.
~Bee
One day, Denmark was walking down the streets of Copenhagen after a night of drinking when he felt a sudden craving for a muffin. Upon realizing this, Denmark quickly ran to the nearest store to look for a strawberry muffin. Alas, when he reached the store, he discovered that it was closed because it was two-thirty in the morning.
Denmark gave a strangled sob and sank to his knees. "I just wanted a muffin!" He cried in anguish. Suddenly, Iceland popped up next to him.
"Did you say you needed a puffin, Denmark?" The silver-haired boy asked.
"No, MUFFIN." Replied Denmark sadly.
Iceland twitched, jabbing the large puffin on his shoulder with his middle finger. "No, you don't understand!" Iceland wailed. "He drives me crazy! You have to take him, please!"
"Penis." Said Mister Puffin.
Iceland's head exploded, killing Mister Puffin in the process. A random lady with saggy boobs came sprinting up to Denmark.
"You poor dear!" She puffed, out of breath. "You must be so upset, seeing your poor friend spontaneously explode like that! Here," she said, and pulled from her cleavage a raspberry muffin. Denmark cheered and ate it, living happily ever after.
Waltzing down the street with his usual carefree air, Finland was greatly astonished to see his friend and fellow Nordic, Denmark, curled up in the fetal position in the middle of the street.
He walked up to him cautiously and poked him a few times in the gut to make sure he was alive; thankfully, he was, which was further supported by the fact that he was eating a raspberry muffin with a dazed look in his eyes.
Finland was about to head off to KFC for unknown reasons when Norway jumped out from behind a wall, wielding a banana in his right hand for reasons that simply could not be explained.
"I. Love. BANANAS." The usually expressionless Nordic yelled to the night, fist pumping the air and beginning to eat his banana at a horrific rate.
Denmark, still in the middle of the road and somehow resembling a moose, did nothing, but Finland, on the other hand, recoiled from Norway with a twisted expression of utter repulsion.
"You sicken me," he snapped. "HOW DARE YOU EAT THAT THING IN MY PRESENCE!"
"I DO WHAT I WANT!" Norway yelled back, cradling the banana protectively and hissing. "LEAVE ME ALONE!"
But Norway, at this time, was starting to become afraid of what he was getting himself into. Because, as everyone knows, Finland is a complete BAMF and should not be messed with under any circumstances.
Finland, rather strategically, drew out a rifle at this point.
"YOU DO NOT WANT TO TAKE THIS FURTHER!"
"YES, I DO. DESTROY THE BANANA. DESTROY IT!"
At this point Sweden appeared, but seeing all the action he simply shrugged, turned and began walking off to his cafe.
Meanwhile, the gunfire was reaching a crescendo, and with a death toll of 739 at their hands the Nordics were beginning to regret their actions. And by that I mean Finland and Norway, because Iceland was dead, Sweden was absent and Denmark was just being an ass and still eating his muffin.
And so Finland finished off Norway.
And it was a good day.
A good day for all but one, however. Somewhere, in a galaxy far away which was actually in the park across the street, Sealand sat on a rock sadly. He was sad, because, earlier that day, his stupid jerk of a brother England had confiscated all his lollies. 'Where am I going to get sugar now?' He wondered. Suddenly, Prussia materialised awesomely in front of the small micronation.
"Oi, Sealand! Check this out!" Prussia said, and drew from his pocket a small bag of fine white powder.
"What's that, Prussia?" Sealand wondered innocently, putting a finger to his chin and tilting his head thoughtfully.
"Kesesesese. The best kind of sweet ever!"
"REALLY?" Sealand asked excitedly. "Give it to me!"
"Now, not so hasty," Prussia laughed. "You'll need to give me all your life-savings first!"
"Alrighty, then!" Sealand fished around in his pockets and withdrew five cents and a lint-covered gum ball. He held out these precious items regretfully to Prussia.
"SCORE!" Prussia yelled. He grabbed the gum ball and five cents from Sealand, swallowed them whole, then gave the bag to Sealand and disappeared awesomely into thin air. And, by thin air, I mean Italy-the-plumber opened up a hole in the ground for him to jump into, because, hey, what has Super Mario taught us?
Sealand opened the small bag and stuffed the powder in his mouth. Suddenly, everything was rainbow! Instinctively, Sealand sprinted across the road. When he got there, it was like the sun came shining through the clouds ... at night time. Sealand knew what his purpose in life was.
Ignoring the shivering Dane, he spotted the meaning of his existence lying in the middle of the road. "NOOOOOO!" He wailed, running to the squashed banana and cradling it in his arms. "I WILL AVENGE THEE, MY LOVE!"
With eyes full of unicorns shitting rainbows and a heart filled with courage, Sealand galloped on his magical leprechaun to the nearest KFC, with one purpose in mind.
Kill Finland and avenge the banana.
And there, right before his eyes, was Finland, hunched over with a rifle strapped firmly to his back and sunglasses over his eyes. He was innocently picking at his cold chips, chewing off the end of one while Sealand displayed his amazing tracking and stalking skills and crept up behind him, mug of beer in hand, of which he was drinking in vast quantities.
"YOU'RE GOING DOWN, FINLAND," he yelled, attracting the attention of absolutely everyone else within KFC, particularly Finland, who turned around instantly, gun cocked.
"IT'S ON, YOU LITTLE TWIT."
"BRING IT. I, PETER KIRKLAND, CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL!"
Everyone gasped dramatically at that point, because that's just what you do.
So while the battle of the dark side and light side was reaching a climax, Finland threw a smoke bomb to his feet, engulfing the restaurant instantly and allowing him time to make his escape.
Sealand coughed as the smoke attacked his sinuses. Throwing his empty mug of beer in some random that-way direction, ish, he jumped out the window. Finland was nowhere in sight. "Think you can beat me, whippersnapper? I'll show you!" He muttered. "AWESOME SNIFFING-SKILLS ACTIVATE!" This wasn't really necessary, since his awesome sniffing skills were always activated (he was part elephant) but he felt like it was something he should say.
He sniffed the air with concentration. Suddenly, Sweden appeared in front of him. "I'm g'nna h'lp you." Sweden growled.
Sealand gasped, confused. "But I thought you loved Finland! Why are you helping me get revenge?"
Sweden glowered. "B'CAUSE HE THR'W A SM'KE B'M IN M' R'STAUR'NT."
Sealand nodded his head in comprehension. "Well, then, let us team up!" Sweden crouched down and allowed Sealand to hop onto his shoulders.
"ONWARD!" Sealand yelled.
The noble duo set off into the night/day/sunset/sunrise/whenever the heck this is set, Sealand directing Sweden with his awesome sniffing skills. What would happen next?
However, Sealand could not help but wonder why Sweden owned a KFC of all things. Heck, didn't the guy have at least a little pride?!
Meanwhile, Finland was off being a BAMF and making good his escape. Clutching the cool, slender metal of his rifle tightly between his fingers, he continually glanced around, looking for any signs of possible pursuit from Sealand or any of his henchmen.
He began to feel rather angst ridden at this point, so he killed off a few civilians and satisfied his 27.54% vampire blood by lapping at the red liquid seeping from the mounded, dead bodies. Of course, no one other than Finland himself knew of his strange side of him, and he was not eager to let anyone see it.
In fact, he wanted to use his abilities to rule the world with retriever240 and DotheUMBRIDGESMASH, both of whom he was in secretive relationships with. Sweden did not know this.
However, just then, Prussia reappeared.
"TODAY IS A VUNDERBAR DAY. I'VE SOLD SO MANY DRUGS AND NOW I CAN FINALLY AFFORD TO BUY A LIFETIME'S SUPPLY OF VURST. MEIN LIFE'S GOAL IS COMPLETE!" Throwing his hands into the air, the Prussian grinned, then disappeared once more into a pipe which suddenly appeared in the ground. Finland could only look on in shock.
However, just that moment a rather familiar young Italian popped up out of the pipe, dressed in red with a strange red hat perched jauntily upon his auburn hair.
"Come escape, ve~!"
Finland was only too happy to oblige, despite his bad feelings about jumping into a pipe with a very strange Italian and a drugged Prussian.
The tunnel was damp, and dark. "Where are we going, Italy?"
Italy just grinned. "I lied, you're coming to meet our mistresses!"
When the tunnel finally opened into a dark room, Finland gasped in wonder. The room was big, and had several bookcases and a few different chairs with wheels. Sitting on a black one with a high back was a girl with short and spiky brown hair. She spun around a few more times before she noticed them. Her eyes widened and she promptly fainted, blood spurting out of her nose. She fell out of the spinny chair with a thud.
At the sound of the noise, the left wall came crashing down and another girl burst through. "I'M ARMED!" She yelled, brandishing a lemon. She saw them and blinked, a bit of drool escaping the corner of her mouth. "Oh dear..." she said, and she too fainted.
Just then, a strange tapping noise could be heard from the ceiling. "Someone's trying to activate my pipe, ve~!" Italy said. There was a bang and Sweden came falling through a hole in the ceiling, Sealand on his shoulders.
"Found you!"
At this point, Finland was well aware that things were becoming drastic. Something had to be done.
Leaping upon Sweden, he hit him firmly about the head with the butt of his rifle, sending the large Swede crashing to the ground, unconscious (he was not expecting to be attacked). He then turned to Sealand, a somewhat relenting look in his eyes, before he shot the small child several times.
"I'm sorry, Peter," he whispered, cradling the small child's body. "But my life is more important than yours..."
Rising to his feet, he slowly turned his back on Sealand's rapidly disappearing form to face Prussia and Italy, both of whom were absolutely dumbstruck at how badass and awesome Finland was. After all, they had both underestimated him greatly for many years. Now it seemed that the tables were being turned.
At this point both Prussia and Italy could only shake their heads and rush to the aid of their mistresses, both of whom were, thankfully, recovering.
One of them, a dark haired, freckled female with oddly coloured eyes, groggily stirred, tucking the usually escaped strand of her hair behind her ear and getting to her knees.
"W-what just happened?"
Finland only glanced over at her and threw a pistol in her direction.
"Next time, when you say you're armed, actually make sure you are, alright?"
At the sight of the Finn she again grew pale and Finland thought for a moment that she would collapse again, but she instead rushed to his side, cocking her gun and looking very badass.
"I shall now be your partner. Forever. And your mistress. You and Prussia can share me on weekends."
However, at this point Norway suddenly glided into the room on a spinny chair of his own, somehow resurrected and sipping tea.
The other young girl, now in Italy's arms, glanced upwards quickly, drying her nosebleed hastily on her sleeve.
"N-Norway? Can I be your mistress? Please?"
Norway's eyes widened in a rare show of emotion, then he gave a brief nod.
She nodded back. But without warning, she leapt out of Italy's arms, swearing in Greek for some reason.
"I MUST FIND ENGLAND AND LEARN THE ART OF NECROMANCY! COME NORWAY, WE MUST RESURRECT ICELAND!"
She grabbed Norway's tea, drank it, then wrapped her arms around Norway's neck, Italy only just managing to grab onto her arm before she disappeared awesomely.
EPILOGUE, PART I
Finland was very happy with this change of events, and lived happily ever after, his mistress/partner teaching him the ways of using lemons as a weapon. Oh, and Prussia became a mechanic, filling the engines of cars with his magical powder to make them run better (the only side effect was that they caused sea monkeys to randomly appear, but everyone likes sea monkeys so no one cared). Iceland was resurrected, and he and Norway were awesomely living with the other dark haired girl.
EPILOGUE, PART II
Sealand also miraculously recovered (after having died), but he had to spend the rest of his life in rehabilitation (that was what it seemed for him, anyway. It was actually only 3 weeks) for what he'd done and the shifty drugs Prussia had given him that he was now addicted to. After being released he went back home to ride the goat, watch anime, eat sweets and swab the deck, and none of that was a euphemism for anything.
Sweden became the new owner of Subway as compensation after Finland destroyed his KFC restaurant and filled it with smoke. Sweden greatly enjoyed this work, but everybody was scared to death of him.
But, dear readers, that matters not. The only thing that matters is that after this France became a reformed character and lived off frozen peas for the rest of his life. Why this happened, nobody yet knows.
But the most important thing in the entire story is this, my friends.
WHY DID RUSSIA DIVE?!
THE END.