"Excuse me: They do what now?"
By Vance Berk
Lieutenant Dennis Wilson looked at the screen and then to the scientist. He was an elderly man who had apparently garnered the nerve to sneak aboard the August Flower while its marines were preparing for a dispatch to investigate a colony which had been out of contact for two months. He had finally been caught sleeping in the kitchen by night watchmen. This caused a scare which meant that many of the crew had to be awoken four days prior to their official thaw date.
Now since they were already in deep space he couldn't legally expel this man from the ship and apparently –though his English was bad- he knew the law that allowed him to explain himself to the man in charge of the ship, which for the moment was Lieutenant Dennis F. Wilson.
"B'and zis vi the covonists b-are dead, Lieutenant!" he shouted. Wilson didn't like the way this asshole talked. Either he was foreign or he was deaf, and either way the Lieutenant couldn't understand what it was he was rambling.
"So you're saying that those colonists who we should be saving are already dead?" He replied, rubbing his eyes groggily. "Or you're saying the colonists have killed-dead some delicious bear and wish to share it with us upon arrival…that or the colony is made up of a hierarchy of chauvinists and they would like to roast us some boar."
"Iz says they is eaten v'ithin!" The man sputtered. His face came across as a very childish- pouty, like he wanted some new toy.
"V'ithin? Doctor, if that's your actual title could you please try and speak in the English language? I do not want any venison. I had enough deer as a child." Though, quite frankly, some deer jerky would actually go nicely with a foaming cup of ale right about now.
"I dis' speak ze venglish!" The doctor protested his face being one of sheer discontent.
"Sure you do…" Well, fuck- this wasn't going anywhere anytime soon. I'd rather eat an entire loaf of rationed cornbread than decipher this shit.
"Sir, you are on private property and I should eject your wrinkled ass into space, but I'm going to play nice guy and drop you the fuck off at the next Government Aid Station." There was no reasoning with this man, so it was time to fall back to protocol.
"O want to die!" he started to repeatedly shout in his mindless babble.
"O's gonna die? Sire, I'm not concerned about breakfast cereals right now!"
"Ou' want to die?"
"What the fuck is ou!"
"V'ou!"
"You? You as in me? Now let's not get into threats now, I just want to know what this is about Os dying."
"V'ou!"
"…Jew?"
"V'ou!" the man hollered, slamming his fists against the table. "V'ou, v'ou, v'ou, v'ou!"
"I think he's saying you, sir!" the private standing watch called out.
"So now you're threatening me?" This was certainly getting out of hand pretty fast. The whole thing had started out as a search and rescue mission and now he had some decrepit peckerwood tossing around death threats like nobody's business.
"No! The a'vian eats out!" The man was frantic and waving his arms in some sort of deranged fashion. He had to be a nut, but this was somewhat amusing- if only in a watch the senile man ramble sort of way. Maybe he could sell the audio tapes of this.
"Avian? A fucking bird is going to kill me and eat the colonists?"
This is when the local doctor, Miss Hon-who-gives-a-fuck decided to walk in and get involved. Wilson hated the bitch, which also seemed to have a few screws loose. After all, she thought soap and clean scrotums was the key to releasing a dead man's soul after battle. Something about that was unnerving, yet slightly arousing to the lieutenant- one last shake down before moving on to the realm beyond.
"I do believe he said alien, lieutenant. Not avian, as you were so inclined to interpret." Of course she had to say this in that preppy tone of voice which was the verbal equivalent of nails against a chalkboard. Or worse – in the mind of the lieutenant: the sound of melons being squeezed together before exploding in masses of fruity juice.
"Aliens are killing colonists?" he inquired with a role of his eyes. "What the hell is this? Some sort of cheesy-fuck movie where the hero saves the day, but doesn't really do it for the betterment of mankind, but because of some whining kid? Come on!"
"Hey- I like several archive films like that!" one of the privates standing guard butted in.
"Well yes, some are quite good, but that formula has been used way too often to be considered compelling anymore," his partner added in.
"Okay we all like at least one of those! Can we stay on the fucking topic at hand?" Wilson shouted, not knowing why he suddenly was angry…and craving the taste of a tuna sandwich with extra mayo on top. For some reason he always got hungry when he was angry.
"No! The a'vian v'ets you vot!" the speech impaired stowaway scientist jumped back into the conversation.
Cocking a brow the officer turned around. "The alien does WHAT?"
"V'ets you OUT! Vroom the inside!" Here the man was going into hysterics, but only one thing got through to Wilson's mind.
"The alien's gonna eat me out?" Wilson shouted, wanting to punch this goddamned crazy right across his wrinkled face. "Could someone please explain what the fuck this man is saying? He's here talking about goddamned things molesting and killing people and I can't make heads or tails of it. Shit!"
"Mister," the doctor said kneeling down beside the doctor, "do you mean to say that the alien gets insides you and eats its way out of you? Is that what you mean to say?"
Fucking bitch had to talk in the goddamned tone of voice-but to top it off she was baby talking the man and that sissy-pissy talk really boiled Wilson's eggs.
"V'es! Eatan vrom inside-v'out!" the doctor shouted, rapidly nodding his head. This was a sorry sight because he came across as being the broken down bobble head from hell.
"Lieutenant," the prepcunt began in the most cutesy voice she could manage, "I believe what this nice young gentlemen was trying to say was-"
"You know I'm the only one who understands the fucking English language in this fucking room, so yes I fucking know what he said now! I don't need you talking down to me like a three year old and pretending to be all cutesy for our guest. Shit, you probably just want to suck his wrinkled dick you stupid fucking whore! Why don't you take him out back and lick his wrinkled asshole!" He just couldn't stop fuming over the stupidity of this entire conversation. "We are landing on this fucking planet, and we are getting some fucking answers- very nice aroused monsters or not!"
"Vew ye'sel!" the doctor exclaimed loudly.
"I view myself in the mirror every day, your wrinkly prick!"
"'REW 'ou 'elf!"
"Yeah, well fuck your Elf too!"