If Only...

By: Nikkitusa

Summary: Kyoko's thoughts after a certain blonde somebody reveals the truth behind everything. A bit angsty, but contains what thoughts I believe truly went through her crazy, tumultuous mind! One-shot for now, but could become multi-chap.

Disclaimer: I do not own Skip Beat! If I did, Kyoko wouldn't exist and I would get all of those scrumptious man-candies... Hehe. Yeah, so I obviously don't own it. *pouts*

A/N: I know I'm not supposed to publish anything new until I finish my other stories, but I couldn't resist getting this short, not-so-sweet one-shot up! It's quite sad and self-contemplative. I was in a bit of a depressed mood, so I figured I might as well turn it into a one-shot for you all. I hope you like my first attempt in the Skip Beat fandom. Please review and let me know what you think. No promises, but if I get enough positive feedback, I might turn this into a story... AFTER I'm done with the other three pending ones I'm working on. Hehe. Yeah...

WARNING: Kyoko is quite OOC. Her reaction isn't fueled by anger as one would expect, but rather something else. It isn't meant to stick to the storyline, so anything is possible! I'm sorry if it wasn't what one is expecting, but please don't keep the typical Kyoko in your mind while reading this fic.

Also, please tell me what you think. Tell me your thoughts, questions, comments, concerns, anything. I just ask for you to put it kindly. I don't mind criticism though. After all, I'm here to learn! Anyways, enough boring, serious stuff. On to the angst! Well, that is serious... MEH! Just read!

Dressed in a simple white t-shirt and a knee-length black skirt, Kyoko lay back on her pink bed, her black sprawled about her porcelain face in disarray. She sighed deeply, her eyes shining as her plump lips pouted sadly. She closed her eyes and tilted her tiny head back in resignation. In this position, her thoughts wandered to a certain tall, blonde man who had destroyed her world just a few days before. Though she was angry and she wanted to punch his handsome, smikring face until it was unrecognizable, she knew that she wouldn't be able to do so. It wasn't that she loved him; she knew long before that what she felt for Sho wasn't love. When she had walked in on him and his manager and heard him talking like that, she had first felt furious and humiliated, but then after she had been deposited onto the filthy sidewalk outside the multi-story building, another feeling crept up on her. Pain. She felt pain because Sho had turned into this despicable man, a man with no respect for others and their feelings. She was in pain because her best friend from her childhood wasn't there anymore. Kyoko realized that on that day, on that sidewalk, her best friend had died, leaving behind just a shell of the last person Kyoko could truly trust. After her mother had left her, Sho and his family were all she had left. She had alienated Sho's family when she ran off with him, and now, he had left her. She was angry, but she wasn't only angry at Sho. She was angry at the world. It had left her completely alone. Nobody cared about her. And that very thought pained her more than the fact that Sho didn't love her. She had known for quite a while that her infatuation was one-sided, that what she was hoping for was impossible. It wasn't as much of a disappointment as she had anticipated. She didn't mind not having a fairy prince, but she wished she didn't have to lose her friend.

Kyoko came back to her tiny room in the Darumaya, her dark eyes blinking back tears of pain and regret. Where had it all gone wrong? Had it been her fault? Had she pushed him away with her constant doting on him and her need to be with him all the time? Was it her fault for not trying to be attractive? For not trying to show off around him? She had naively assumed that he cared for her, and that he did not need such displays. Perhaps if she had tried to dress up for him, if she had worked harder, she could have kept him, if only as a friend. She could have taken one more job, worked more shifts, bought more things for him. She could have done more to please him. If only...

No. Kyoko's eyes hardened, her expression becoming cold. This wasn't her fault. She couldn't have done anything to stop this from happening. No matter what she did, Sho would have come to Tokyo, become a big star, and lost his compassion. In fact, by coming with him, Kyoko probably just delayed the inevitable. This wasn't because of her. It was because of Sho. Yes, he hadn't always been a jerk without feelings, but it was because of his own doing that he had become this way. He decided to stop caring. He decided to hurt those he loved. He had chosen to become the monster he was now. It was all his fault!

Kyoko pounded at the bed, her tiny fists making gentle thumps against the soft material. Tears flowed down her face freely, quivering on her chin before they fell and wetted the bed she lay upon. Slowly, her thumps grew weaker and weaker, slowing to a stop. Kyoko lay in partial silence, muffled sobs puncturing the stillness.

Kyoko wasn't angry at him right now. She knew it was his fault that she was in so much pain, but she couldn't bring herself to hate him. Not when she knew that he hadn't caused her pain in the way he had intended to. Sho had thought that Kyoko would feel pain when she saw him with another woman, but Kyoko's pain was from seeing him lose the innocence and love from their childhood. She felt pain for him. She was crying for her best friend, who had lost that which was most important to him. Kyoko wished that they had never come to Tokyo. If only they had stayed in Kyoto, maybe things would be okay. If only she had tried to make him stay, they could have been the same as they were. If only-

But she knew that it would never have worked. Sho would have died in Kyoto; he would have died of suppression. He wanted out, and he wouldn't have been able to survive if he hadn't escaped from his life there. Kyoko knew there was no way she could have had her happy ending with her childhood friend.

But if her childhood couldn't have survived, she was definitely not going to let the jerk Sho live either. Since she couldn't change him back to the sweet Sho, she was going to destroy his arrogance. She had to humble him, and she would do so at any cost. She owed that much to her best friend, Fuwa Shoutaro. She would destroy Fuwa Sho, until there was nothing left but a half-corpse, alive enough to suffer, but not well enough to live life fully. Then she would be content, and she would return home.

A/N: DONE! Okay, I know that Kyoko is very depressing in this fic, but it is angst, and I was in a sad mood, so it turned very melancholy. I don't usually write like this I swear! If you want to make sure, feel free to check out my other works (leave reviews too please!), though unfortunately, I have no other Skip Beat! stuff right now. But I have a couple of ideas rolling around in my head. They might roll out onto paper soon enough.

Please review! It makes my day! I literally walk around school with a goofy grin on my face... Huh. No wonder my teachers think I'm crazy. So please review and tell me anything positive or negative. If you find any mistakes, I apologize. I am currently lacking a beta, so if anybody's interested, please PM me! Thank you all and have a great New Years!