1. Swain is not a witch doctor, only a doctor, nothing more nothing less.
2a. The shipwide broadcast system is not a forum for expressing my views
2b. Nor is it a medium to broadcast incriminating footage of any officer, manipulated or not.
2c. Nor may I use it to play music.
3. I am not authorized to order Nav to "set a course for White Castle"
4. Ground control to Major Tom" is not acceptable manner of opening a communication channel. You can only use the standard Naval alphabet code.
5. I am not permitted to take non-sentinent life-forms aboard and claim them as pets.
6. First Watch/Middle Watch is not against my religion.
7. My shirt must remain on at all times.
8. Diving off the ship to head off a live mine is not permitted.
9a. "Naked Time" is not an acceptable response to the question "What time is it?"
9b. Nor is "Party O'Clock" or "Hammertime".
10. Do not juggle screwdrivers. Swain is starting to get annoyed at how many people come into the Wardroom with screwdrivers sticking out of arms and hands.
11. Do not, under any circumstances, set anybody's alarm to 2:00 in the morning. It woke up the whole entire ship, and the ship usually has it's own wake up time.
12a. Do not play paintball near the Engine Room (or any other part of that ship for that matter).
12b. And do not play cricket in the hallway's either.
13. Procrastinating on reports and assignments is a bad idea and makes you seem very unprofessional.
14. Theses following religions are banned on the Hammersley:
Saradomin
Zarmorak
Guthix
And we aren't even sure if these are actually real, so you cannot take days off or skip First Watch because of it.
15a. A toupee is not an acceptable birthday gift for a commanding officer, especially is said CO has no hair.
15b. Note: A toupee is not an acceptable gift for anyone.
16. "Pig Latin" is not an acceptable output mode for the universal translator.
17. You may not, in times of crisis, shout your own made-up strings of technological babble at the crew.
18. In no known sentient culture is giving the finger considered a compliment.
19a. You will not change the Royal Australian Navy Handbook to make "Talk like a Pirate Day" part of regulations.
19b. Even if I am paid to do it
19b. And even if the rest of the crew want's it too.
20. Don't ask a Scottish crewman where "their little dress is"
21. "Kick butt and take names" are two things you are not authorized to reply when queried as to our intentions by people who want to kill us.
22a. You are no longer allowed to say that you "love the smell of Typhoon's in the morning" after each tactical exercise.
22b. Especially if it isn't even morning.
23. Fuzzy dice are not appropriate decorations for the Helm station.
24. The Port and Starboard engines will not go faster if I offer them a blood sacrifice.
25. I will not cite my ship to get hotel rooms.
26a. Ships are not a democracy
26b. As such, it is not proper for crewmembers to attempt to "vote off" the current captain in favour of a ruthless mercenary on the ground that "the new guy isn't a pussy".
27a. There is no Article in really fine print on the Royal Australian Navy Charter that allows me instant promotion to Captain.
27b. There's no treasure map on the back of the Charter either.
27c. It is wrong to tell new crewmembers that
27d. Or Mercenaries.
28. RHIB drag racing is not okay
29a. "Tricking Out" the RHIB's is not prohibited.
29b. As is chroming the Port and Starboard engines of the ship.
30. There will be no more spreading rumors about the Oompa-Loompas in the Engine room.
31a. The is no "ramming speed"
31b. And Graunch Boardings are not prohibited either.
32. It is not proper to shout "Iceberg, right ahead!" when on Navigation duty, unless there is actually an iceberg there.
33. Though it displays excellent group cohesion, you will no longer lead the other crewmembers marching down the hall while chanting, "This is my rifle, this is my gun, this one's for shooting, this one's for fun".
34. Spray paint is not a toy
35. "Someone set us up the bomb" is not an acceptable way to report damage to the ship.
36a. "I took an arrow to the knee" is not an excuse for missing your shift.
36b. Unless you actually took a real arrow to the knee, get back to work, or get down to the Wardroom.
37a. Your job is not to "pick things up and put them down". You have other duties too.
37b. You job is also neither "picking things up and putting them down in another place".
38. Whn snding n oficil rprts, plz spl chk. Ppl 4get univrsl trnsl8tr no spk txt.
39. If it sounds illegal for a navy ship to do, then don't do it. Simple as that.
40. No matter what people say, Lieutenant Commander Dahlhaus is not to be placed in Austere, just because you say he committed crimes of violence against people. I'm pretty sure Navcom would have checked his record before accepting him into the Navy.
41. Playing the entire Kevin Bloody Wilson discography is not to be used as a morale-building exercise, and furthermore, the ship's company would probably thing the music to be on the….. Insulting side of thing.
42a. Bourbon does not cure a toothache
42b. Neither does Whiskey.
42c. Or Scotch
42d. And Vodka doesn't either.
42e. And, there is no place on earth, where cold water cures a toothache. It only makes it worse.
43. Going on Facebook on duty is bad.
44a. Stop trolling Admirals or anyone of a higher rank than you are.
44b. This doesn't include Douchebags and Jerks. You can Troll them as much as you like.
45. "Yananzaman" is not a word, and Urban Dictionary is not a reliable source as a dictionary.
46. Do not make fun of people's accents
47a. Stop using the Engine room to play mega games of hide and seek
47b. or manhunt
47c. or kick the can
47d. or paintball
47e. or laser tag
48. Don't flirt with people in front of your Commanding Officers
49. You may not teach other officers offensive phrases in Chinese or Korean under the guise of useful phrases.
50a. No, we will not "Do it for a scooby snack".
50b. Or two.
50c. Or a whole box
51a. We do not care if "Bow ties are cool", they are not standard uniform, thus you cannot wear them.
51b. Same goes for fezzes.
51c. And stetsons
51d. We don't care what that guy said! You can't wear them.
52. When you are told to fix something, you may not take a short cut by using duct tape.
53. "Ain't" isn't a word last time we checked. Do not use it in reports or when responding to dignitaries.
54. If you find something funny, don't leave the rest of us in the dark about it.
55. Snuggies are not appropriate to wear while on duty.
56. Who told Ryan that Clefairy live on the moon
57. You are not allowed to send someone to the wardroom because they "have a case of the Mondays"
58. Stop yelling "Get'er done"
59a. Make sure you understand important local customs before you get there. If you get arrested, your bail will come out of your paycheck. Not to mention we will leave you in jail for a night (Hey, the Captain said it first, not us)
59b. And if the said person is the Captain, then it is the same for him too.
60. How the heck did you get footprints on the ceiling?
61. The maximum number of people you can have in your quarters is ten. This is for your own good, and to avoid any more structural damage.
62. Stop stealing the "Do not disturb" signs from hotels so you can pin them outside your quarters. If you are late for something, you will be disturbed.
63. The Hammersley does not need a mascot (We already have one. His name is Thor)
64. "Give me liberty, or give me death" is probably not the best thing to tell any person that has some kind of weapon in their hand.
65a. Who put plastic wrap across the hallway? Take it down and don't do it again
65b. Same with the plastic wrap on the senior officer's toilets.
66. Why are there ducks in the hallway? And where did the come from.
67. Stop gluing people's shoes to the ceiling. It's just weird.
68. Stop sticking decorative magnets on the engines, They're messing with the Engines and Charge doesn't like the fact that his whole Engine room is covered in nyan cat magnets.
69. You do not need to make "Pre-Flight" announcements before leaving port.
70. Do not spike the punch
71a. "Another one bites the dust" is not appropriate victory music.
71b. And it also isn't a good funeral song either, so don't play it
72. Stop labeling stuff. When all know what a fridge, chair, navigation console, etc. is.
73a. You do not need to celebrate towel day.
73b. Or waffle day
73c. Or any holiday that is not on a standard issue calendar.
74. Stop sticking bobble-heads and hula dancers to the Helm and Navigation consoles. The bobble-heads are annoying, and the dancers are distracting, and both can be dangerous projectile should the come loose.
75. There is no such thing as a "Get out of Austere free card"
76. DO not use any "Fun" fonts for you reports. If it isn't the standard font, it is not allowed to be use on official documents like reports.
77. Life-size cutouts are hereby banned from the Hammersley.
78. No bonfires onboard.
79. There is no such position as "Ship's philosopher". Thus, you cannot be a "Ship's Philosopher" just to get out of shaving in the morning
80a. No more "Pumpkin Football".
80b. Or Baseball
80c. Or Hockey
80d. Or any Pumpkin sports.
81. Never mess with Charge's Engine room
82. Would you please stop yelling "It's a trap!" Every time a hostile vessel shows up?
83. Do not burst onto the bridge and yell "We forgo so-and-so!" On whatever island we were last on, when we haven't left them behind.
84. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
85. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've never tried before.