The Final Nail
Mello knows that out of all the emotions that exist, the one that guides him and motivates him in life is jealousy. It's not something he'd proud of, and for a long time, he refuses to acknowledge the truth, tells himself instead that he's not jealous of Near, it's simply that he doesn't like him very much.
Tch.
Like that's not the understatement of the century.
It's only when Matt looks at him over the rim of his goggles and raises an eyebrow that Mello realises he's not fooling anyone when he heatedly yells that he's never felt anything approaching envy for Near. Matt shakes his head, and goes back to playing whatever's blipping and making odd noises.
A nail gets hammered in.
He's not jealous, he says, but everyone continues to believe what they want to believe, while Near just looks on, detached and uncaring.
Mello stops pretending, but can't seem to stop the raging fire inside his chest.
The nature of his act changes; instead of snubbing Near in what he'd thought was a tactful way, with what he'd thought were invisible poisoned barbs he becomes more forthright, actively competing with Near without ever actually declaring all-out war.
Matt yet again raises an eyebrow, looking up from his Nintendo DS and actually pausing his game.
'Not that it really matters to me or anything, but why?'
Mello doesn't have an answer, not a real one, so he spouts off some shit about wanting to wipe that stupid smile off of Near's face. Matt rubs a thumbnail over his forehead, the rest of his hand occupied with holding the DS stylus before he goes back to playing without another word.
Mello recognises it for the dismissal it is.
And yet he still can't stop.
Instinct fuels him and emotion rules him. They say its his downfall, his flaw. They laud his intelligence but wish that he could think with a clear and level head. In other words, Mello thinks, become just a little more like Near.
He thinks to himself that he'll prove everyone wrong, that he can be himself and have his emotions and his temper, and still be better, stronger, quick-witted, everything more than what Near is, and that he can do all of this without turning into another God damned clone.
After all, he thinks, there's more to an identity than just a name and a face.
Individuality counts for a hell of a lot too. So he tries, falls, gets up and tries again, over and over and over.
He thinks he's proving his point, thinks that he's making progress in his self-imposed mission.
But when he hears L's verdict, as they stand in a warm office that somehow still feels cold...well...
It's the final nail in the coffin.