AN: Yes, another list of what not to do in Soul Society. Just because. I'll take any suggestions you have!
NOTE: It has come to the attention of Head Commander Yamamoto that many new recruits are uninformed in the idiosyncrasies of their divisions, and as a result, have unnecessarily angered many of their superiors. Due to the need for patient space in the 4th Division, we of the Gotei 13 hereby issue the following guidelines to any new recruit, unseated officer, or insolent ryoka who wishes to keep all their limbs attached.
1: Do not cross Captain Unohana.
Don't. Just don't. There's a reason that she's the only person in Sereitei who can keep Zaraki Kenpachi in line, and you don't want to know what it is.
2: The former captains of the 3rd, 5th, and 9th divisions are not to be mentioned within earshot of the divisions' members.
Lieutenant Kira will sulk, Lieutenant Hisagi will glare, and Lieutenant Hinamori will cry- meaning that Lieutenant Hinamori will unwittingly set an extremely pissed-off Captain Hitsugaya on your trail. We don't really want to detail what will happen after that point.
3: The name "Kurosaki Ichigo" is not to be mentioned within earshot of the 6th or 11th divisions.
Captain Kuchiki will contemplate various methods of your slow demise. Captain Zaraki still wants that rematch.
4: Sake is not to be brought within a 50-meter radius of the 10th division.
Two simple words: Drunk Matsumoto. (For the male population of Sereitei: YES, THAT IS A BAD THING.)
5: Energy drinks, coffee, chocolate, and any other forms of caffeine are not to be brought within a 10-kilometer radius of the 11th division.
Two simpler words: Kusajishi Yachiru.
6: There are no height-based restrictions in Soul Society. Please refrain from posting "you must be this tall to enter" signs on the captains' meeting room.
No matter how funny you think it is, the room took hours to defrost- and the throwing stars are still stuck in the wall.
7: Ayasegawa Yumichaka's looks are not to be insulted. Ever.
Regardless of the inexplicable sparkles and fabulousness, he's one of the four strongest people in the 11th division. We do NOT look forward to scraping bits of your corpse off the pavement.
8: Do not- we repeat, do NOT- mention the name "Kisuke Urahara" in front of Captain Kurotsuchi.
We've all seen the documentation of his little "projects." Unless vivisection's your thing, you'd have a better time with the Soukyoku.
9: Similarly, do not mention Captain Kurotsuchi's ...treatment… of Lieutenant Kurotsuchi.
He literally made Nemu from scratch; we suppose he knows how much punishment she can take. Besides, he probably made her soul enjoy that kind of thing, or she would've snapped decades ago.
10: Do not come between a captain or lieutenant and their hair products.
The Shinigami Women's Association has been trying to find out what hairspray Captain Zaraki uses for 37 years, without success. Nobody knows why Captain Hitsugaya is so prematurely gray, and it's impossible to get a straight answer out of Captain Byakuya. (We did try; he either stated it was natural or said he used his shikai.)