Okay, this is my first Daa! Daa! Daa! fic, and I hope it turns out good... The names for the kingdoms, and other places will be taken from several manga/anime - Daa! Daa! Daa!, Ranma 1/2, Fairy Tail, Zero no Tsukaima, more to come... The characters all belong to Mika Kawamura, and I think, maybe, Heiomachi belongs to the Govt of Japan....

Royally Screwed

Kanata was, by all means, royally screwed, no double entendres. Born into the proud nobility of the kingdom of Fiore, shined upon by the Gods of Wealth, Cunning and Bravery, with a handsome visage and a refined demeanor, he was a prime example of oh-so-delectable masculinity. The elusive Saionji Kanata, who turned more pretty heads than the Prince himself… The strong, silent, seductive Saionji Kanata, whom the Princess herself desired so ardently, that she made no secret of her vociferous declarations of love… The unforgettable Saionji Kanata, who, for some reason, was garbed in a long white skirt with lace…! and sulking behind a merchant's stables in the small town of Heiomachi far away from home…

"Responsibility, my foot!" And so saying, he proceeded to smash the said appendage against the feeding trough lying behind the stables and inches away from where he sat on a pile of hay. The trough, being made of solid stone and full to the brim with an assortment of whatever grains horses gobbled, suffered less damage than his already sore foot bound in pinch-y girly shoes. "Dammit!" Nursing his wounded feet and ego, he sulked some more.

Slightly more than two weeks before, when he had been clashing swords with one of his attendants in the courtyard of his castle, he had received an urgent missive from the wizened old King Hikarigaoka. Sheathing his sword and grabbing his cloak, he had mounted his horse and proceeded to the royal palace. Being the son of the Grand Minister of Fiore, and the right hand man of the Prince, he enjoyed an unrestrained passage into the palace at all times. Dismounting, and marching straight through to the Council Room, where he knew his father and the old King would be waiting, he had made his presence known. "Your Majesty, my humble greetings."

The King had smiled a crinkley-eyed smile and welcomed him effusively into his embrace. A bit too crinkley-eyed, and a bit too effusively. That should have warned him, and it did, but a King is a King and not to be denied. Then, the wizened monarch had proceeded to embark upon a long-winded tale about how Fiore was fast losing its prosperity and grandiose, how he was absolutely heartbroken about it, and how Kanata was to dress up as a girl and go over to that rogue neighboring kingdom of Halkeginia and steal their Lucky Charm of Prosperity and bring it back to Fiore. All the while, the old King had smiled down at him like he was a favorite sheep being sent for shearing. And all the while, his father had uncomfortably shifted from one foot to another, probably hoping to escape his son's inevitable eventual wrath, although it was futile – a scheme that ranged this high on the scale of ludicrous foolishness, was bound to have been hatched by his father.

It had been one of the rare occasions when Kanata had turned his charming smile upon the Princess of Fiore. Princess Christine, who had chosen to take her mother's family name, Hanakomachi, rather than that of Fiore's royal family's, had immediately swooned, and then thrown herself at her father's side and, with her eyes as big as the royal saucers and shinier than them, implored him to let Kanata stay and instead send her brother away. Prince Nozumu, who had taken royal family name, Hikarigaoka, had frowned at this and crossed his arms. But the old King would not budge.

In the end, Kanata had been forced to bow his acceptance and retire from the Council Room with a constipated smile on his face. The day for the proposed journey to the treacherous lands of Halkeginia had been selected, and two weeks later, Saionji Kanata found himself abandoning his fine silken shirt and pants and donning a lacy cotton skirt and blouse, leaving behind his castle and Fiore to travel on foot with his trusted attendant by his side. Oh yes, he was to disguise himself as a woman – a woman looking for employment as a lady's handmaid, to be specific – who was traveling the lands with her nice strong husband by her side. His attendant, Santa, had found immense amusement in the situation, and insisted upon referring to him as "my darrrrling wife" in front of every person they encountered.

"Let me get back to Fiore, and I'll have him flayed!" Kanata muttered mutinously to the feeding trough.

Voices floated upon the air and to his ears as two people rounded the corner of the stable, leading two horses behind them. "Oh yes," Santa was saying, "my darrrrling wife here has severely bruised her feet by walking over such rough terrain for nigh on two days. It is so difficult to travel through wild country, and my darrrrling wife nearly wept with joy when we finally reached this town. At last, we could find horses!"

"Ah, yes, yes. I am pleased to have been of service to you, and I must say, your wife is a darling." Here, the horse merchant slid a sidelong glance at said wife perched on the pile of hay and licked his lips and grinned toothily.

Kanata snarled inwardly. With difficulty, he restrained himself from openly growling in a patently un-womanly fashion, and settled for pointedly turning his face away.

Santa snorted, immediately masking it with a polite cough, before sticking out his hand to the merchant. "Well, my good man, we must now be off. If our paths cross again, let us sit by a fire and drink some wine and make merry. Till then, fare thee well!"

"Aye, and you, too." The merchant nodded, and they shook hands.

And so saying, Santa took the reins for both horses in his hands and led them to his "darrrrling wife". The two of them mounted and with a last wave from Santa to the merchant, they galloped away.

~*~

The kingdom of Halkeginia lay beyond the snow-capped Western mountains, tucked away in isolation from the rest of the lands. On the North, East and South of the kingdom, the high peaks of the Horaizon mountain range stood sentry against the hulking beasts and bands of bandits who roamed the forests surrounding the foothills of the mountains on all sides. No man, beast or bird was allowed past their unforgiving craggy heights, not even the Westerly winter winds could whisper their way in. The only path to Halkeginia lay from its West, where the white sands of its lands rolled out to meet the blue waters of the sea.

Thus protected on three sides, the conveniently located kingdom needed to deploy its army on only one frontier, and any other kingdom would be foolish to attack on that side – they would be stuck out on the sea, with no access to land for months till the battle wore itself out, while the Halkeginians would be safely waiting for them on land, their ships able to return every day for restocking and re-equipping. Trade was booming in the kingdom, as the Gods of Fortune had blessed them generously with several gold and diamond mines within the inbound foothills of Horaizon, and the melted ice from their frozen peaks traced myriads of little rivers through the land, keeping it fertile enough for four crops every year, even without rain. It helped that the sea abounded in fish, and several clever merchants and healers had discovered ways to extract heaps of salt from the seawater and medicines from the seaweed – all three of these forming Halkeginia's main export products.

The people of Halkeginia were more than self-sufficient, they were well off. There was not a pauper in the entire kingdom, and famine or drought were no more than threats directed at stubborn little children who refused to sleep. The people were honest and hard working, and all in all, the kingdom was glorious.

The glory and prosperity of Halkeginia, did not go unenvied by the kingdoms beyond the mountains. Once upon a time, several centuries ago, wars had been fought for possession of the lands surrounding the mountains, each of the kingdoms desirous of staking its armies at the foothills of Horaizon in order to be able to blast a path through the mountains and on to the tempting kingdom. In the past, each successful kingdom had come and tried to excavate the ancient stone, and every one of them had suffered huge losses in the dark shadows of the mountains. Entire armies had vanished mysteriously, the Kings had fallen ill and died, the people had been consumed by unexplainable hatred and killed each other. For years, this had continued, until the kingdoms had accepted the utter impossibility of the task, and given up. The Western mountains, for some unfathomable reason, had decided to be kind to only Halkeginia.

In time, the kingdoms had moved further away from the cursed shadows of the mountains, and the land there was now forested and crawled with all kinds of beasts and outlaws and bandits. As the kingdoms settled into more peaceful lifestyles, a sort of truce was silently agreed upon and trade was established with Halkeginia. With trade came merchants, and storytellers, and tales and rumors from the strange land hidden amidst the mountains.

One particular rumor had taken an especial stronghold amongst the fireside babblers. They spoke of a talisman, a Charm bestowed upon the royal family of Halkeginia by the Gods of Horaizon, which protected them from all adversity. This Charm was responsible for the mysterious power that shielded the mountains from the enemies' attacks. This Charm was responsible for the perennial snow that crowned the sentinel peaks. This Charm was responsible for the plentiful sea that lapped at the shores of the kingdom. This Charm was of such unimaginable power that kept the kingdom glorious.

Unrest and greed had reared their heads once more, but a lack of means had kept them at bay. And it was into this unstable balance of power that Kanata had been thrown headfirst, with not so much as a by-your-leave, and left pretty much to his own means. The old King of Fiore wanted the Charm for himself, and that was all there was to it. Kanata could either go ahead with his mission and travel to Halkeginia as a lady spy without any known means of communicating with anyone from Fiore, or refuse and then say goodbye to his life of nobility forever to live in exile in some distant kingdom.

'Yes,' he thought to himself, 'I am royally screwed.'