The dorm room, that weird roommate was out somewhere, maybe at a knitting club or something. Ellie closed her eyes, felt guilty for thinking such labeling type things about this girl that she just met. But this room was too small, the walls closing in on her. She felt claustrophobic. She couldn't live like this. She rolled over on the bed, put her boot up on the wall. Her hair was like this red fan around her head.
Closed her eyes, sighed. Marco had a big house, that huge old Victorian thing him and Dylan were renting, with Papa DelRossi's help, of course. Her mom had helped her about as much as she was gonna, paying the rent for that shit hole apartment. She was on her own now, boy. Tiny dorm room like some Manhattan apartment, roommate with a cheerfulness Ellie found repulsive. And Craig was gone. It had been all well and good to tell him to do it as a solo act and that she'd wave goodbye because she had to. That had certainly been altruistic. But it hurt now. She missed him.
It wasn't just Craig she missed. Ashley still being in high school. Marco. Marco was her best friend, she saw him every day, told him everything. Drank coffee with him, laughed and joked with him, said her mean snide things to him about everything and he'd just laugh, not think she was some creepy sadist. He got her. And he wasn't halfway across the country like Craig was but he was still too far, she wouldn't see him all the time anymore. She was losing all her anchors. Even her mom, with her mean puffy face and large glassy eyes, mousy brown hair and her sharp, "Eleanor!" she'd miss her mom, too.
She sat up, feet firmly on the floor. Her eyes locked on some frilly stupid wall hanging of Amberley's. Amberley? Even that name grated on her nerves. She shook her head, bit her bottom lip. She was a bit disgusted with herself, with her judgmental self. She hadn't even given this girl a chance, hadn't even got to know her at all and this was how she was acting? Just because she missed everyone, even high school, repulsive place that it was. Well, she wouldn't go that far. She didn't really miss high school, the days there so long and she was trapped in there like everyone else. Bells controlling everything, having to ask to even go to the bathroom. And the way the cafeteria smelled, the mass produced overcooked food leeched of every nutrient. Jello by the gallons, shaking piles of red and green, constantly this horrible Christmas with the stupid jello, they beat you over the head with it.
Okay, okay. Get ahold of yourself, she thought. This would be fine. She'd get used to this little room with the one narrow window. She'd get used to Amberley. Maybe she'd be able to find the inner goth girl inside that Rebecca of Sunnybrook Farm exterior. She'd go and find the campus paper, see if she could publish some stuff. She'd get used to not seeing Marco every day. She was still getting used to Craig being so far away.
Craig was one thing she had to let go. He was sort of, kind of with Manny anyway. He hadn't chosen her and why would he? No reason. No reason at all. And what was up with her liking him anyway? Because he was bipolar and potentially as damaged and screwed up as she was? Was that a good basis for a relationship? She missed how it was in grade 10. She thought he was a loser. More than a loser, a jerk, since he cheated on Ashley. He hadn't been cute then. Curly fluffy hair and tall and awkward. She hadn't seen whatever it was Ashley saw in him and wished she had never seen it.
Sigh. She should get up, go somewhere, do something. Meet someone. It was time to leave high school behind, to leave Marco behind a little, even though she just wanted to weep at the thought. She loved Marco, needed him like junkies needed smack. No. No more Marco, no more Ashley, no more mom. Time to move on, to grow up, to be on her own like a functioning adult.
She stood up, let her hair fall back behind her shoulders, walked to the mirror. Saw Amberley's smiling face in the little snapshots of her and whoever else was with her. Ellie trailed one finger along Amberley's perfect black hair in one of the pictures. She really couldn't be as much of a dork as she came across.
This was abysmal. She'd wanted to come here so bad, get a dorm room, had wanted it like fat sticky faced kids want rock candy and now she had it and she just wanted to go home, or to Marco's. She paced, hearing the familiar sound of her boots on a hard wood floor. God, what was wrong with her? Baby, she chided herself. Baby.
Did Craig miss everyone like this? Maybe he did. Joey and Angela and Manny, maybe even her. Maybe he filled it with the music, just drowned it all out with the songs. She felt a dull jealousy of his escape. Wished she had one. But no. She felt it sharp. She was gone.
This was stupid. She grabbed her jacket and her pocketbook, shut the door and locked it. Hoped vaguely that Amberley had brought her key. She was going to Marco's.