letting go

by shel

phoebe finally comes to terms with her most traumatic moment .... written over the summer before the season premiere

CHARMED

"Letting Go"

by shel

© august 2002

disclaimer:	the charmed ones, cole, and leo and the rest of the cast of characters we've come to know and love, belong to spelling television, inc. and possible other copyright holders. i intended no true infringement on their copyrights; i only wanted to borrow these marvelous characters for a short time in my own scenarios and hopefully return them no worse for wear; the only things i've gained from this story are the satisfaction and pleasure of having written it and in knowing that others may have enjoyed it too
rating:	pg-13
summary:	phoebe finally comes to terms with her most traumatic moment
timeline:	mid-december, 2002 ~ takes into account everything thru the end of season 4
archive:	please don't without express permission
notes:	please let me know if you enjoyed my tale and why and, if not, why notand, please, don't bother wasting your time or mine by sending any flames

Phoebe reached up and pulled the thin box from the corner of her closet's shelf. She carried it to the bed and pulled up her skirt in order to sit cross-legged on the edge of the mattress. She stared at the white gift box for a moment and gently ran her fingertips across the yellow satin ribbon. She took a deep breath before she carefully slipped the ribbon from around the box and lifted the lid.

Her heart skipped several beats as she stared at the white tissue paper. With trembling fingers, she peeled away each side of the delicate paper to reveal the hidden item. And she bit her tongue to keep from crying out. Somehow, she had completely forgotten about the tiny brown embroidered bears that decorated the white satin neckline.

Phoebe took a ragged breath as she gently lifted the baby outfit from the box. It's so tiny,' was all she could think of as she stared at the white one-piece with tears pricking her eyes. She brought it close to her nose and closed her eyes as she took a deep breath. She tried to imagine a baby's fresh scent instead of the almost musty cardboard box aroma she sensed.

A knock on her door broke her from her reverie and she had just managed to cover the outfit with the tissue paper when Paige burst into the bedroom. Phoebe looked blankly at her younger sister who, in return, seemed oblivious to Phoebe's state.

"I just figured out how we get Piper to her own surprise shower," Paige happily exclaimed.

"Really?" Phoebe asked hoarsely as she tried to replace the lid.

"Yeah, I think we should -- hey," Paige pouted as she indicated to the box on the bed, "I thought we agreed no more surprise presents for Piper."

"It's not what you thi--" Phoebe began but Paige had already taken hold of the box and begun to open it.

Paige lifted out the tiny white outfit and cooed, "Oh, Phoebe, it's beautiful! Piper'll absolutely love it!"

"Yeah," Phoebe quickly said as she grabbed the outfit from Paige and stuffed it back in the box, "listen, Paige, I'm running late for work. We'll talk about the shower later, okay?"

Paige glanced at her wristwatch and gulped, "Man, I'm gonna be late, too. Need a ride?"

Phoebe shook her head and managed a tight smile, "Thanks, I'll be fine." Paige bounded out of the room and Phoebe stared at the box in front of her and repeated in a whisper, "I'll be fine."

********** ********** **********

"Okay," Paige announced, "now that the dinner table's clear, I have a present for Piper. Actually, we both do."

"Paige, I told you" Piper protested.

"I know, I know," Paige waved her off, "but our sister here couldn't resist and neither could I."

Piper turned to Phoebe, "Pheebs? What did you and Paige do?"

Phoebe smiled but quickly focused on Paige's movements. "It's nothing, Piper. Really."

"That's right," Paige agreed as she reached down from the shopping bag she had hidden under the table, "we each just happened to find some things the baby just has to have." Paige then presented Piper with two wrapped boxes.

Piper glanced next to her to Leo who shrugged back at her with a smile. And, as excitement got the better of her, Piper unceremoniously tore the wrappings off the top thin box.

"That's mine!" Paige excitedly informed her sister.

Piper quickly opened it and gushed when she held up the bib for everyone to see. "Oh, Paige, it's adorable! Leo, lookit says, 'My mommy's the best chef in the world!' Oh, Paige, I love it!" She blew Paige a kiss from across the table.

"Now how could I resist something like that?" Paige smugly asked. Piper smiled at her in return and Paige ordered, "Now open Phoebe's."

Piper again quickly removed the wrapping paper and opened Phoebe's wider box. Stunned, she gazed at her younger sister as she pulled out the white lace dress. "This's our christening gown, isn't it?"

Phoebe nodded, "I know you were upset about not being able to find it so I sort of asked Mom where she had put it."

"Oh, Phoebe," Piper cried as she hurried, as best as possible, around the table to give her sister an awkward hug, "thank you."

Paige, meanwhile, smiled at Leo and Piper. She fingered the dress and then stared warily at Phoebe.

Phoebe caught her sister's look and quickly separated from Piper. "Look, guys, I'm exhausted. I think I'm gonna do some work in my room and then turn in."

"It's pretty early. Everything okay?" Piper asked as she reached for the dress and gingerly touched it again.

"It's just been one of those days," Phoebe smiled tiredly, "you know, boss on warpath needing everything yesterday and nothing makes her happy? I just need some quiet time to put some finishing touches on a couple of my columns." She stood and patted Piper's swollen abdomen, "G'night in there. See you all in the morning."

"Night, Pheebs," Piper responded as she unconsciously rubbed her belly.

"Yeah, good night," Paige added but Phoebe had already left the room.

"Y'know, the three of us were christened in this," Piper told Paige as she carefully sat herself in the chair next to Paige. She placed the gown back in the box and commented to herself, "I must've turned the attic upside-down looking for it and it never occurred to me to ask Mom or Grams."

Leo, meanwhile, noticed the pensive look on Paige's face and asked, "Is something wrong?"

Piper quickly turned to Paige and said, "Honey, I love your present! I hope you don't think I'm playing favorites here but I really was looking for this gown. I guess I've always been sentimental and --"

"No, that's not it," Paige interrupted as she shook her head. "It's -- never mind."

Leo and Piper exchanged glances and Piper quietly reminded her sister, "No secrets anymore. We all agreed."

"It's not a secret," Paige considered, "at least I don't think so. Oh, I don't know." She looked from Leo to Piper and finally said, "That's not the gift Phoebe got for you. I saw it – an all-white little one-piece except for some teddy bears on the collar. She didn't say one word about finding this gown."

"Maybe she was saving it as another surprise," Leo suggested.

Paige shook her head, "I don't think so. We both know how you felt about setting the limit on presents, Piper, and I would've gotten this bib no matter when I saw it because I think it's perfect but the truth is that I wouldn't've gone looking for another gift if I hadn't already seen Phoebe's this morning. I didn't want you to think I didn't care enough to get another present for the baby."

"Oh, Paige," Piper exclaimed as she reached over and hugged her youngest sister, "I'd never think that. Why'd you think I wanted an end to the presents? I didn't want it turned into a contest of who bought the most or the cutest presents."

"But what I can't figure out is why Phoebe didn't give it to you tonight," Paige wondered.

********** ********** **********

Two-twenty. Phoebe threw off her covers and sat up. Sleep was as impossible tonight as it had been for the past week. The dreams kept getting worse. And they always ended with reliving that horrible day with the Seer. She ran her hands through her hair and pulled on the ends in frustration. In the dark, she stared at the closet and pictured the box on the shelf. With sudden determination, she turned on her lamp and set about getting dressed as quietly as possible.

********** ********** **********

"Leo!" Piper hissed as she bent over her sleeping husband, "My car's gone!"

Leo drowsily answered, "Go back to sleep, honey, it's just a dream."

Piper shook him awake, "I'm not dreaming. My car is gone. Get up."

Leo rubbed his eyes as he sat up, "All right, Piper, what's going on?" He looked at the bedside clock. "What're you doin' up? It's two-thirty in the morning."

"Your daughter pressing on my bladder's what woke me," Piper snapped. "Come on," she said as she yanked his arm, "my car's gone."

********** ********** **********

"What's going on?" Paige sleepily asked as she entered the kitchen.

"My car's gone," Piper told her as she followed Paige into the kitchen. "Leo, everything seems to be here. I don't think it was a break-in."

Leo sighed as he leaned against the counter, "Piper, you need to get some sleep."

"Third time this week we've had a midnight session," Paige yawned as she sat down and rested her head in her hands on the counter and closed her eyes. "I hate to think what it'll be like when she starts having false alarms."

"I'm not kidding guys," Piper said, exasperated. "See for yourselves. My car is missing."

Leo quietly asked her, "Haven't you noticed there's one person missing in addition to your car?"

"What're you talking about?" Piper asked as she lifted the phone's handset. "I'm calling Darryl."

"At two-thirty?" Paige yawned again. "If he doesn't kill you, his wife will."

"Paige, my car is gone," Piper insisted.

"And so is Phoebe," Leo stated as he took the phone from Piper's hand.

"What're you talking about?" Piper asked in confusion. "Phoebe's in her room."

Leo shook his head as he placed the handset back down. "I checked."

"The keys to your car are gone, too," Paige announced as she stood by the key rack. "Well, case solved, g'night folks."

"Leo?" Piper asked in concern. "Where'd she go? It's two-thirty in the morning."

Paige suddenly realized the situation and stopped in the doorway. She instantly became more alert and faced her sister. "I knew something was off with her tonight. It's the present. I should've tried talking to her."

"C'mon," Piper told Paige, "let's get the crystal and map."

********** ********** **********

Phoebe held the flashlight in front of her and carefully made her way down the steps into the dark mausoleum. From her tote bag, she pulled out the candlestick holder and the long white taper and placed it on top of her father-in-law's resting place. Her hand fumbled inside the bag until she managed to pull out a box of matches. She lit the candle and, once the flame was steady, she turned off the flashlight. She set the bag down near the candle and carefully pulled the gift box from the bag.

Her quick short breaths caused the flame to flicker as she opened the box and took out the baby outfit with trembling hands. "Oh, baby," she whispered, "I'm so sorry."

"Phoebe," his soft voice echoed in the chamber.

"Cole," she whispered. Phoebe's heart pounded as she clutched the outfit to her chest. Her knees shook but she managed to slowly turn around to face him. "Whatwhat are you doing here?" she stammered.

"I haven't forgotten what today is," he quietly answered. "Would have been," he quickly corrected himself.

"I shouldn't've come," Phoebe whispered as she broke her gaze and looked down. "I have no right."

"It's okay," Cole told her as he finally stepped towards her.

Phoebe shook her head and stepped back but the concrete pressed into her back and she suddenly gulped for air. She clenched the outfit in her fist and nervously began apologizing. "This placethis is yoursI shouldn't've come just because I.because I." Phoebe suddenly couldn't find her voice and stared back helplessly at Cole who continued to slowly advance.

"Because you needed to feel close to me," Cole suggested. "I understand, Phoebe. I almost came to the Manor before. Just to be near you."

Phoebe shook her head and insisted, "It's not fair of me. Not when I've made it clear we have no future. For God's sake, I divorced you three months ago."

"So you did," Cole quietly commented. Despite the dim light, he saw the pain reflected in her eyes. "Sorry," he quickly said, "I don't want to argue. Not tonight."

"Not tonight," Phoebe murmured as she remained frozen in her spot. She tightened her grip on the outfit.

Cole stared at the outfit that he had so carefully selected and purchased seven months before. "I haven't been able to sleep for days," he distractedly admitted. He hesitantly reached down for the outfit and Phoebe let him take it from her hands. He stared at the tiny shape and held it in front of him. "I keep imagining what it would have been like to watch him come into the worldWhat he would have been like."

"He would have been beautiful," Phoebe whispered as she stared at the outfit. "It's not fair!" she suddenly screamed as she flung herself at him and pounded his chest. "It's not fair!"

Cole kept his grip on the outfit and did nothing to prevent her physical blows. After a few moments, after her blows had lost some force, he carefully held her wrists back and told her, "I know." She stared back at him and he repeated in a softer tone, "I know."

"Then why?" she begged of him as tears flowed freely down her cheeks. "Why'd it have to be this way? What'd we do that was so wrong? Tell me, Cole, I need to know. Why? Why?"

"I don't know," Cole replied in a hoarse voice.

Phoebe stared at her former husband, the love of her life, and wiped away the tears that trailed down his cheeks. "Oh, Cole," she cried when she, for the first time, acknowledged his pain. "I'm so sorry," she cried as she opened her arms to him. "I'm so sorry."

"I'm sorry too," he whispered as he held her tightly in his arms.

They both sank slowly to the ground and wept in each other's arms for their child that never was. So absorbed in releasing their pain that they never noticed the three figures that had been witness to their private moment of grief.

********** ********** **********

"I feel like such an idiot," Piper muttered as she sat with Leo and Paige in their living room.

"You?" Paige commented as she threw her head back and stared at the ceiling. "What about me? I'm the one who went on and on about how you were gonna love that outfit she bought." Paige looked back at Piper and continued, "It never, in a million years, occurred to me that it was something she'd bought for herself. I mean she was barely pregnant and we were in the middle of dealing with every faction under the sun. When did she go shopping?"

"Not fair, Paige," Piper quietly admonished. "You know Cole went all out that day. It's probably one of those things he bought for her that got packed away when we, you know, cleared out the penthouse."

"Sorry," Paige apologized. "I guess I never really thought of her as being pregnant. I mean it was baby Lucifer. It wasn't even a real baby."

"Yes he was," Leo reminded the sisters. "Before his evil nature was nurtured, and maybe even after, for as brief a time as it was, that baby was every bit as real, and as loved, by them as Melinda is to us."

"I can't believe I've been so wrapped up with my own baby that I never considered her feelings," Piper groaned. "What kind of a rotten sister does that make me?"

"For months she's acted like everything was okay," Paige considered with growing annoyance, "so how could we really notice? We're not mind-readers, y'know. She wanted and got her divorce from Cole. She wanted all the publicity from her job and got it. So you're telling us she's really been miserable and lying to us the whole time?"

"Don't go there," Leo warned. "Phoebe has been ecstatic about this baby and you both know it. She has never once let any of her own pain interfere with any of our plans."

"But that's the point, Leo. Who told her to keep any pain inside?" Paige countered. "We're her sisters. We're supposed to be there for each other. Trust each other. Especially during the bad times."

"Maybe she felt she couldn't," Leo suggested. "Maybe she felt she couldn't come to you because of your own feelings about Cole. Maybe she felt you wouldn't understand what she was going through."

"Leo," Piper said as she stared at her husband, "has Phoebe talked to you?"

"If she has," he carefully answered, "then it was in confidence. My point is that maybe you should honestly consider how you would've reacted if Phoebe came to you and needed your support before you go and attack her now."

"We're not going to attack her," Piper argued. "We just want to know what she's feeling."

"And of course we support her," Paige insisted. "She's been through hell. Literally."

"We know she loved Cole," Piper calmly told Leo after she had taken a cleansing breath, "and we want to be there for her to help her through any rough times. I just can't believe she still suffered from herfrom what happened and she didn't let me know."

"I'm going back," Paige suddenly announced. "Phoebe needs her sisters."

"No," Leo sharply responded, "Phoebe needs her husband." Piper and Paige both stared at him in shock. "Divorced or not, she still loves him," he rationalized, "and she needs him. Just as much as he loves and needs her. We had no right to witness what we did tonight. Don't you think they at least deserve a few moments of privacy to mourn their loss?"

Piper nodded and wiped away a tear from her eye and quietly admitted, "You're right, of course." She faced Paige and suggested, "Maybe Cole is the one person that can help Phoebe let go of the past in a way that we can't."

"Maybe," Paige agreed in an unconvinced tone.

Piper turned back to Leo and added, "But, honey, as our whitelighter don't you think it's a bad id--"

A thud from above interrupted Piper and the three quickly orbed from the living room.

********** ********** **********

Cole rubbed his knee and muttered a few curses as he dropped into Phoebe's vanity's chair. Phoebe stirred on the bed but didn't waken. He suddenly sensed a presence and slowly turned around. "She's just asleep," he quickly, and quietly, explained to his in-laws as he carefully stood. "She's exhausted."

Piper merely nodded while Paige began, "Cole"

Cole brought up a hand and indicated that she should stop. "I'm not leaving," he informed them in a low, and determined, tone. "Not tonight."

The trio exchanged glances and both sisters nodded to him their agreement. Leo quietly told them, "I'll get the car." Piper gave him a quick kiss and he orbed out of the room.

Surprised, Cole began, "How do you know Phoebe had --"

"We followed her," Piper softly interrupted. "We were worried about her middle-of-the-night disappearing act."

Cole remained silent and continued to stare at the sisters. Thankfully, Piper got the hint and pulled Paige towards the door. As she opened it, Cole turned back to Phoebe and pulled the chair closer to the edge of the bed.

"Cole," Piper softly called as she suddenly stopped in the doorway. He turned around and she hesitantly whispered, "I'mI'm sorry about the baby."

Cole stared hard at her for a moment before his features softened and he sincerely replied, "Thank you, Piper." He turned back to Phoebe and gently took her hand and held it between his own.

From the doorway, Paige watched him and stopped Piper from leaving. "Cole," she murmured. Paige waited for him to face her before she quietly warned, "We know you love each other but if you hurt her again"

Cole didn't respond and Piper quickly tugged on Paige's arm. He watched as Paige reluctantly followed her sister into the hallway and finally closed the door behind her. He turned back to Phoebe, bent over her, and tenderly kissed her forehead. He lightly brushed her cheek as she stirred and he whispered, "Sleep well, love."

********** ********** **********

Cole sat in the chair and swiveled so that he faced the window instead of Phoebe. The first rays of morning were peeking through the curtains and he slowly stood. He stretched out his arms and stepped away from the bed.

"Cole," Phoebe softly called from the bed.

He spun around and found her sleepily leaning forward on her elbow. "It's morning," he told her. "I'd better get going. Your sisters tolerated me last night but they're already probably working on a potion to get rid of me." Phoebe didn't smile at his poor attempt at humor and he added, "They know about last night. About the mausoleum." He watched the surprise register on her face, moved closer to her, and explained, "They followed you. They were worried that you left in the middle of the night." He bent down and kissed her on the top of her head, "Take care of yourself, Phoebe." He turned to leave and stepped away from the bed.

"Don't," she requested. He turned around and faced her. "Don't go," she repeated as she sat up. "Please."

Cole shook his head, "You're still upset. You don't know what you're saying."

Phoebe shook her head, "I know exactly what I'm saying. For the first time in months, I'm absolutely sure of what I want."

"It's the baby," Cole insisted as he took another step away.

"It's you," she told him. "I can't go on anymore without you."

"You have your sisters," he claimed.

"They can't make me happy," she said as she stretched out her hand to him, "not like you."

Cole looked longingly at her hand and took a step forward. But, just as he was about to take hold of her hand, he dropped his hand to his side and shook his head. "No."

"Cole," she pleaded.

He waved his arms in defeat. "I can't do this, Phoebe. I'm not a yo-yo. You can't keep changing your mind about whether or not you want me. It hurts too much to believe."

"Believe what?" Phoebe quietly asked.

Cole stared at her, "That we have a future together."

"Is it so hard to believe?" she softly countered.

"I didn't think so," he answered, "but you kept" He didn't complete his sentence and turned his back to her.

"I was wrong," Phoebe softly cried as she scrambled off the bed and came up behind him. She placed her palms flat on his back and felt his muscles tense underneath. "I know how I've hurt you," she admitted, "and I'm so sorry." He slowly turned around, crossed his arms, and waited. She nervously clasped her hands together as she continued, "I was hurt. And angry. And I couldn't talk to anyone. So I lashed out without thinking. And II blamed you. For everything." Cole was about to interrupt but Phoebe quickly hurried on, "And the worst part is that I knowI know, Cole, that it wasn't your fault. In my head I know that you were every bit the victim, the innocentbut I still blamed you becausebecause it was still youstill you thatGod, I can't explainI can't make you understand"

"Go on," Cole gently ordered when her voice trailed off in desperation.

Phoebe took a deep breath before she spoke again. "It wasn't as though it was the old Source or any demon that was subtly attacking usme. It was you, Cole, your body. Even if the Source was in control, it was you I was talking to, you I was touching. Youyou were still a part of it and I can't handle that because I don't want to keep remem--"

"I can'tI won't keep apologizing," Cole informed her as he interrupted.

"I know," Phoebe nodded, "and I'm not asking you to. Not anymore. Last night made me realize"

"What?" Cole encouraged as he uncrossed his arms and moved closer to her. But he still kept his distance and didn't touch her.

Phoebe reached out and lightly grasped his upper arms. She gazed up at him and admitted, "Last night when it was just the two of uswhen we talked about the babyI realized that neither of us was to blame for what happened and yet both of us were. But, suddenly, it didn't matter. Not anymore."

"Why?" Cole asked with interest.

"Because I know that the one thing that never wavered at all, at any time, was that we loved each other," Phoebe stated with certainty.

"I never stopped," Cole confirmed for her.

"I know," she acknowledged, "and I never stopped loving you. Not even after I signed those papers. I just don't know"

"What?" he encouraged as he slowly wrapped his arms around her waist.

"We still love each other but I don't know where we go from here," she admitted as she shrugged her shoulders. "What if something hap--"

"No," Cole shook his head and interrupted. "If we spend our time worrying about, and preparing for, what might happen, we'll miss out on everything that is happening." He kissed the top of her head. "Maybe we just start by taking things slow."

Phoebe buried her face in his chest as she wrapped her arms tightly around him. "Start over? Just like that? Do you think we can?" she wondered in a muffled voice.

Cole laughed and gently tilted her head back. As she patiently gazed back, he declared, "Baby, when we're together, we can do anything." Phoebe smiled radiantly at him but before she could comment, his lips claimed hers.

And, at that moment, time stood still for the lovers as they each truly believed in happy endings.

the end