Chakotay's Angst Chapter 1
Author: Bina
Disclaimer: I will never own Star Trek. This is just for fun.
A drabble in Chakotay's mind. He is haunted and feeling very tortured…
Thoughts on Janeway…
What shall I do? She gives the ultimate sacrifice to get us home. She is the poster child for Starfleet. The crew all look up to her. She is the strongest female I know. I wish I could be like her. As I lay here, I see blonde. What I see and what my heart sees are two very different things. How could she have forgotten about me? I cannot hide my feelings from myself. It will eventually destroy me. It will ruin things between Seven and me. I cannot choose, but I must… I'm in agony.
Chapter 2
Chakotay's Angst Chapter 2
By Bina
Disclaimer: I will never own Star Trek. I just borrow it.
(Words in Italics are the people thinking to themselves.)
"We will have to start another patch of earth for tomatoes Kathryn." She nods but is not looking at me. I wonder what she is thinking about, but I am almost scared to ask. Scared I think in disbelief!? Where did that thought come from? She is the strongest woman I know. What could I possibly have to want to hide from her.?
I wonder what she will say to that. But I guess I will never know will I?
She opens her mouth to reply, but the only sound I hear is Tuvok's voice, saying "Voyager to Janeway…" As I look her in the eyes, my heart sinks with despair and anguish. As she opens up the communicator and responds, she looks at me. But it is like she is looking through me and not at me. I nod once and look quickly at her, square in her blue eyes. I look away, but not soon enough. For I see her nod once at me, with understanding. I reach out to hold her hand, but she is too distracted by Tuvok's words and the sound of Tom cheering and the senior crew clapping and whistling to see.
It is at that point I see darkness. I am momentarily confused, thinking we are in the middle of transport. But I realize that I do not feel the familiar tingling feeling of the transporter. But it is still dark and I can hear my heart beat and the breathing of another. I close my eyes shot again, but not for the desire to sleep. I have been having dreams about New Earth more recently. They keep coming back even since Seven and I have been dating for a while now. Seven asks; "Chakotay, are you alright?" I pretend to ignore her but she is not so easily fooled. This cannot go on this way…
Disclaimer: Trek was and will never be mine.
Note: Words in Italics means the person (s) is thinking to himself, herself.
Chakotay's Angst
Part 3
"Chakotay?" I hear her say my name again, but I do not want to answer for fear of hurting her. I am torn and at a loss what to do. We are alone out here and who know how long it will be be4 we get home. It is not a matter of if but when. She, the Captain is the strongest person I know. Her intelligence and determination will get us through. No doubts there. But at what cost? Her happiness…? Our happiness. Wait a minute! When did her happiness turn into our happiness? Commander, are you malfunctioning?" I try not to laugh bitterly. How so like a computer she sounds. And here I am lying next to her. When I finally do turn to look at her, I try not to stare her down. She sure is a looker. "I am fine, I reply. I am annoyed that she is interrupting my train of thoughts. If she is a computer, despite her looks, I do want to think what that makes me. She turns over and soon I hear snoring and I cannot resist flinching when she puts a arm around me. I have got to do something. I do not want to cause trouble but I have to talk to someone about this. But who on the ship? I have got to find someone who can ask prying questions to Katherine, without blowing my cover. I gently remove her arm and go take a shower and put get dressed. Neelix? Tom? I am not sure who would be the better actor
Disclaimer; Trek will never be mine nor do I entertain any delusions that it ever shall be.
Bina W.
Chakotay's Angst Part 4
NOTE: Words in italics means the person(s) is talking to him/herself.
Part 4.
The ready room had been a comfort for her for the last 5 years of their journey. It was a place where she could think, relax, and put things in perspective. She had lost count early on of how many cups of coffee she HAD drinken. She suppressed a chuckle at that. She knew her duty, to get her crew home to the Alpha Quadrant. Thank God for Starfleet, my lifeline. Thank the gods also for coffee. "Gods" Now where did that stray thought come from? She always prided herself on being the scientist. Maybe the two were not mutually exclusive. If God or gods did exist, someone or ones had a peculiar sense of humor stranding her crew and her in the Delta Quadrant. Not only that, but leaving coffee as her only means of escape. My gosh, I am getting odd in my old age. All of 40 years old, not even middle age. I am not even entering menopause. For a split second she made a mental note to thank the gods if any existed for not making her early menopausal. At least early menopause was not a problem. As she heard a beep at the door, she wondered why she even bothered being grateful that she could still have a child.
"Come in," she said softly.
Voyager's resident Indian entered an unreadable expression plastered on his normally handsome face.
About 2 minutes went by and she took the time to drain the last of the coffee out of her cup, before looking at him. Finally when it was obvious that he was not going to say anything, she spoke. "What can I do for you, Chakotay? But the Indian just stared at her in disbelief but was unable to find his voice. "Captain, how many cups of that sludge have you had today?? Maybe you should think of cutting back on that."
She gave him a credulous look and shook her head. 'Chakotay, this is my addiction. I cannot give it up. I need it like you need your spirit guide." But I do not think you came into my ready room to call on me about my worst vice, now did you." She smiled at him but his response was to narrow his eyes at him.
"What seems to be the problem Chakotay?"
More silence followed as he tried not to shake with rage. But he was not entirely successful. She saw his clenched fists at his side and her eyes went wide.
"What happened?"
At this he could not take much more. It was their five year anniversary of the last day they had spent on New Earth. He could not get out of his mind that she forgot or did not care. The padd in his left hand made impact with a very satisfying thud on the wall to the upper left of her elbow. Now, the Captain was on her feet, the empty coffee cup long since forgotten on the table.
"Commander, you had better explain yourself!"
She looked at the padd lying on her feet, the wall where it had impacted and back to her. She bent down to pick it up, but his reflexes were a split second faster then hers.
"Give me the pad." She had said it in such a tone that there was no room to interpret as a request.
"No." That was the single answer he said, lifting his head in defiance. As she looked at him shocked at his insubordination, he swiftly took a moment to clear the plans on the padd.
I have made enough of a fool for her. No use doing it more by letting her see the holodeck program and plans of New Earth.
"You realize this is subordination, Commander?" She phrased it as a question but her eyes were bright and blue and the anger was very apparent.
"What was on that padd?"
"Nothing that was important." I tried to keep the bitterness out of my life, but there was 5years of dreams and a broken heart behind it and I failed.
Her eyes flashed blue and she said softly; Shall we add lying to a commanding officer to the charge of insubordination Chakotay-?"
I laughed harshly and it was not a nice sound. I saw her cringe but the split second of her vulnerability was way short before she composed herself. "Don't you dare call me Chakotay. From now on it is Commander Chakotay to you." The look in my eyes was nothing compared to the look in hers. I admit she was a good actor. No even missing a blink, she added "well then, don't ever call me Katherine. Not even in the ready room."
"Agreed, Captain." Now I don't have the time to deal with you right now." I have to look at the trade agreement with the Kelvins, they will be here in half an hour. I expect you to have composed yourself by then. Are you capable of that Commander?"
I failed to flinch as she called me by that damned title. But she had a smug look on her face in response to my flinching. Didn't she know that that every time she uttered that title when it was just the two of us in the ready room how much pain it did?
"Dismissed Commander."
I nodded unable to feel anything and left.
Disclaimer: Star Trek is NOT mine
Bina W.
Chakotay's Angst Part 5
Will the Captain throw her first officer in the brig? Isn't that what a Starfleet Captain would do?
Three hours later a weary Janeway was back in her ready room, with an Indiana size headache there to greet her. The trade talks with the Kelvins had gone well. Tuvok had done a job well done. They wanted several receipts of Neelix's, in exchange the short list of fresh Kelvian vegtables that Neelix had been moaning about needing more of for weeks.
It was a job well done she thought to herself. Tuvok can be just as good a negotiator as Chakotay, no Commander Chakotay she corrected herself. It served him right. If he acted like the officer she thought he was capable of, then she would not have had to replace him with Tuvok as the negotiator. As she was exiting the ready room, she stifled a smile at the random thought of food being the way to a man's heart. In this case, the way to the Kelvian ambassador's heart. Good idea of the Talaxian. Serving his three course meal during trade talks was a very good idea. Before the ambassador had reached half of Talaxian's version of human chocolate, he was like putty in front of Tuvok. Before she reached her quarters, she made a mental note to bring a peace offering to Commander Chakotay. Within an hour, she was inhaling the fresh scent of brownies. They smelled and looked like the brownies her mother had taught her to bake back home. Now that was the one food item Janeway was not able to muck up.
A short time later, she was ringing the door to the first officer's quarters. On the inside, he heard an annoying buzz repeatedly, but made no move to respond, neither physically or verbally. "Damn he thought to himself. Even Neelix knows when to take the hint. A good four minutes of silence went by after she stopped buzzing the ringer. I know she is still there.
Finally, she just invited herself in, brownies and all. His mouth watered as he smelled her brownies. Well, this does not change anything he thought. He would not even look at the brownies as she tried to offer them as a peace offering. She sat down on his bed, quietly, not saying anything. When he did look at her, the look in his eyes could have been more effective at cutting a hole in the wall then a phaser.
'What is the matter?" He heard the softness in her voice along with the concern.
"I am not Molly." I can not be bought with food." His words came from the heart and they were hard but honest. Molly was the dog she had been forced to leave behind with Mark when they got pulled to the Delta Quadrant.
She forced back the tears in her eyes and instead made a mental note to not let him ever hurt her again. She got of the bed and approached him. She tried to get him to eat a brownie, but he slapped it out of her hand.
She just stood there unable to move for a full two minutes before she was physically able to react.
Chakotay's Angts part 6
Disclaimer: Star Trek is NOT mine
Bina W.
Chakotay's Angst Part 6
Disclaimer: Trek will NEVER be mine. The muse just likes to have fun.
Chakotay's Angst: 6
Note: If words are in italics, then the person is thinking to him/herself.
Janeway could not seem to physically be able to move. She tried very hard but her legs were asleep. The look in her first officer's eyes was cold and hard. Even space was softer not harsh as the look her beloved had for her. In the midst of this neither one was able to notice the open doorway to Chakotay's quarters. Somehow in his anger, he had managed not only to slap away the offending brownie in Janeway's hand. That he felt. But the second slap as she tried to again offer him brownie just resulted in the plate making a thud against his door, hard enough to open and hit Harry in the shoulder. Her feet were still planted on the ground when Chakotay saw a blonde bombshell just a few steps behind Harry approach.
"I could here screaming noise at the other end of the corridor Captain and Commander. What seems to be the problem? Is the door malfunctioning?"
Before Chakotay or Janeway could move to stop her, she had her hand on her communicator.
"Seven to Torres, Commander Chakotay's door is malfunctioning. Please come when you have a chance." "On my way, was her response."
By the time Torres arrived, Harry had just made up his mind to come into the quarters and was timidly just inside. Torres saw no need for an invitation once she saw the open door and a broken plate and pieces of brownies in the hallway.
"What happened here?" No one volunteered an answer as she looked from one fellow officer to another.
"I had a violent reaction to the Captain's brownies." Torres just looked in disbelief at Seven.
Maybe I was premature in having the doctor remove the implant so I could experience more emotions:"
"You are not a very good liar." "Who threw the brownies? Torres asked again but no one responded. When Seven went to repeat her story one more time, Torres told her if she opened her mouth one more time, she was going to spend the rest of the day in her Borg alcove.
"It is not time for me to regenerate."
Torres rolled her eyes in atypical fashion and said in very clear terms to get lost.
Seven made some comment about Torres needing to regenerate in the brig and left.
By that time, Janeway was back to her old self. She apologized to Harry saying it had been a long day. She took this time to dismiss both the Asian and the half Klingon. She gave them the order not to discuss the events in side the quarters with anyone and then she dismissed them. It was not until the door had closed behind Harry and a verbally objecting Torres, did she dare to speak.
"Commander, if we are going to reach home, I have to be able to count on you. The crew needs you. I need you."
Chakotay shook his head in disbelief. "Always in the right? You have no problem what so ever callin me when I have messed up. But what happens when you mess up? Who has the right to tell you?"
Janeway unconsciously tugged on her uniform top. "Starfleet, you know that."
He laughed again, but this time she was strong enough not to flinch. "Yeah, well incase you have forgotten, we are light years away from Earth."
" I do not need your sarcasm Commander."
"Since when are you interested in what anyone wants? Have you forgotten it was you who stranded us when we could of gotten home?" The look in his eyes was just as sharp as the cut of a phaser hitting her in the stomach. It took all her will not to throw up.
Just at that moment, a bright light came out of nowhere. Q said "Chuckles, I am interested in what you want, even if Madam Captain is not."
" I do not remember inviting you and do not call me Madam Captain."
"Kathy, you are so beautiful when you are being bossy. I bet Chuckles here never told you that."
"Get out." Q, however was busy looking at the pieces of brownies and shattered plate in the hallway with interest. He did not see the dangerous glint in her eyes. Ignoring her he asked if he could try her brownies before he left.
Impatiently, she nodded. "These are so good." Q looked past Janway and told him he was a lucky man. A woman who was beautiful and made brownies to die for are a lethal combination. Janeway, if you ever give up your ridiculous dream of going home, call me." With that Q was gone in a bright flash.