Title: Chapter Ten
Rating: PG-13
Spoilers: Twisted Sister onwards...
Summary: "You made Tommy and Lisa get it on! Twice in one scene! Over four pages! With extensive descriptive flair!"
Author's Note: Just a silly little scene. Because I'm sad this hasn't come up in the actual show yet.
"Hey, Abby, what's–"
She jumps up from her chair, her brand new, shiny copy of Rock Hollow skidding a little way across the desk. Her eyes are wide with dread. "McGee, seriously, listen to me. Your life is in danger. Take the rest of the day off sick and leave the building, right now!"
He frowns at her, confused. "Uh… I don't get it."
She picks up the book, waves it frantically in his face. "You made Tony and Ziva have sex!"
He sighs, the same excuse as always falling from his lips. "I already told you a million times, those characters are not based on-"
"Okay, okay! You made Tommy and Lisa get it on! Twice in one scene! Over four pages! With extensive descriptive flair!" She grabs his arm, begins shoving him toward the door. "You'll be safe from Tony, but Ziva's gonna kill you!"
He stands his ground. "Abby, you're overreacting. Ziva's a rational adult, and besides, Lisa is not based on-"
Abby shakes her head, cutting me off again. "I'm trying to save your life here, Timmy! You described Ziva's-"
"MOIST FOLDS?!" an icy voice interrupts, and Abby groans as Ziva strides into the lab, a copy of Rock Hollow under her arm, her boot-knife in the opposite hand. Tony follows her, grinning widely. "I swear, McGee, this time I will kill you!"
McGee backs up, his eyes on the knife. "Whoa, Ziva. You don't wanna do this!"
Behind the fuming Mossad officer, Tony cracks open the book. "Chapter Ten: 'Giving In'. Officer Lisa sighed with pleasure as Special Agent Tommy's considerable girth-"
"Just stop!" Ziva turns on him, brandishing the knife. Tony holds up his free hand in submission, backing off.
"Guys, please, just calm down!" Abby beseeches, stepping between Ziva and McGee.
Ziva frowns at her. "You have finished the book, Abby, yes?"
She shakes her head. "Not yet. I only just got to the bit with your…" Reconsidering her word choices, she changes tack. "Chapter Ten."
"Then you have not read about the 'beautiful tattoo of a bottle marked poison, branded into the skin just above Forensic Specialist Amy's-'"
"McGee!" Abby yells, turning on him. "Tell me you didn't!"
"Tell me it's true," Tony puts in, still finding the whole thing hilarious.
"Shut up, DiNozzo!" Abby snaps.
"Look, it wasn't my fault!" McGee protests. "My new publisher… she recommended that I have Tommy and Lisa sleep together!"
"You could have implied it," Ziva snarls at him. "I did not need to read your sexual fantasies! Even I have heard the term 'less is more'!"
"Umm…" Abby says. "That's not true for everyone. I prefer my smut… y'know. Smutty."
Ziva scowls at her, but before she can respond a barked-out "Hey!" cuts her off. All eyes turn to Gibbs, who glares at everyone in turn. "What the hell is this? Get back to work!"
Ziva gives McGee one last long, calculating look. "I do not know when, or how, but some day I will get you back for this." She storms out, closely followed by a still-grinning Tony.
"Boss, I really don't think it's safe for me to go up there," McGee says uncomfortably.
"You should've thought of that before," Gibbs tells him. "Go."
With the look of someone sentenced to death row, McGee does.