Title: "Dead Man's Party"
Author: Pirate Turner
Dedicated To: This is the third story in my annual 13 days of Halloween series dededicated with endless love to my wonderful, beloved Jack and our darling children.
Rating: R
Summary: Tired of bigoted preachers, Elvira gives an impromptu show one Halloween afternoon.
Warnings: Het, Songfic, Crossover
Word Count: 1,737
Date Written: 13 September, 2011
Disclaimer: Elvira, Mistress of the Dark; Gonk; Thing and The Addams Family; and all other recognizable characters mentioned within are ﾩ & TM their rightful owners, none of whom are the author. The song, "Dead Man's Party", is ﾩ & TM Danny Elfman and Oingo Boingo, also not the author. Everything else is ﾩ & TM the author. The author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction, and no copyright infringement is intended.

Her long, pale fingers gripped her steering wheel clothed in leopard print as she slammed her brakes on just before the red light. Her black fingernails dialed impatiently on her wheel as she waited for the blasted thing to turn green again. The air around her was unusually quiet, still, and void of any trace of fun. Her cassette was taking forever to flip sides, and Elvira punched the button to speed it on as she waited.

The lights switched, and another lane of traffic took its turn. Her fingernails tapped harder on her wheel, and the fingers in the seat beside her began to drill her leather cushions as well. Then, suddenly, the quiet was pierced by loud, obnoxious voices that instantly grated Elvira's ears even before she realized just what it was they were shouting.

"REPENT!" they screamed. "REPENT YOUR EVIL WAYS TODAY BEFORE IT IS TOO LATE! OUR LORD, JESUS CHRIST, WILL STILL HAVE YOU AND SAVE YOUR SOULS! ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS LET HIM IN!"

Elvira glowered at the trio of Preachers now shouting verses on the sidewalk. They held their Bibles high, brandishing them as though they were shields or, Elvira thought, way more likely, swords. Christians had worn their religion as both for centuries, not only hiding behind it when they didn't want to fight some one they knew would kick their ass but also using it as a supposedly acceptable reason to wage war against those who, like herself, didn't buy into their crap. Elvira had known some decent Christians in her time. They weren't all Bible-thumping, closed-minded, and prejudiced idiots, but these three on the sidewalk definitely fit that bill.

She tried to ignore them even as the guy with her shook with fury. She began tapping a rhythm on her steering wheel, but the voices grew louder. She scanned the crowd as she waited impatiently for her light to change to green, and she saw others turning up their music, rolling up their windows, and doing everything but looking at the screaming Preachers who were a disgrace even to their own kind.

She wondered idly just how many of those parked and waited around her were also of that faith for which she had no use. The Preachers were screaming at everybody, oblivious to the fact that not all in the crowd would be those they considered needing their special brand of saving. They didn't care if the ones they were condemning had already turned to the Christian faith; they would always do wrong things and need more saving in their eyes.

Elvira's upper lip curled back in distaste as the Preachers' screechings continued. It hadn't been that long ago that their kind had drowned, hanged, and otherwise slaughtered Witches like her, and to this very day, Christians still caused Hell for Witches. She knew many who had been stung by their prejudice and had heard tales of countless others. She'd known a girl who'd had her hair set on fire by a Christian trying to burn the Devil out of her in the middle of a school cafeteria, and she'd also heard many true tales of parents losing their children just because they didn't bow down to the Christian faith.

Finally, what little patience the Mistress of the Dark possessed slipped from her control. She slapped her steering wheel as her tape clicked over at last, and she hit the Play button. "To Hell with this," she muttered, which immediately had her passenger saluting her, and stood up in her black convertible.

"HEY, GUYS, THIS IS WHAT I THINK OF YOUR LOUD MOUTHS AND PITIFUL, PREJUDICED BRAINS!" The mouth of the youngest of the trio dropped open with one look at the scantily clad, Gothic beauty, but the Preacher next to him pushed his jaw back up.

As Elvira shot the lot of them two birds, the sun's late afternoon rays glinting on her rings, the other two Preachers thrust their Bibles higher into the air. "REPENT YOUR WANTON WAYS!" they screamed together and set into another Bible scripture.

Elvira's hands dropped to her hips. "Hmph." Yet she grinned for she wasn't done there. Her music had started, and she reached down and turned it all the way up. Straightening once more, she heard gasps and shouts of approval as she started to shake her bosom.

"I'm all dressed up with nowhere to go
Walkin' with a dead man over my shoulder

Waiting for an invitation to arrive
Goin' to a party where no one's still alive"

She threw a long and luscious leg over the back of her seat, and screams wrent the air as she dropped her bodice. The sun gleamed upon her full, milky breasts, and Elvira continued to sing. She danced right there in her convertible, shaking her breasts and tossing her tassels in tune to her music.

"I was struck by lighting
Walkin' down the street
I was hit by something last night in my sleep
It's a dead man's party
Who could ask for more
Everybody's comin', leave your body at the door
Leave your body and soul at the door . . .
(Don't run away it's only me)"

As she sang, she leaned forward and blew a kiss at the Preachers. The young Preacher's mouth dropped open a second time, and his elders shouted even louder than before. Their hands trembled as they shook their Bibles at her.

The poodle in her back seat yipped loudly in tune to the music as she'd taught him in fun many moons ago. The glowing rays of the setting sun sparkled on his pink mohawk and black leather jacket, and Gonk's little, white tail wagged in approval. Elvira's grin grew. Not only did her passengers and the others around her, who were just as tired of these narrow-minded, prejudiced Preachers as she herself was, approve of her number, but she was sure Danny and the boys would get a kick out of her use for their song when she told them about it later at the party.

"All dressed up with nowhere to go
Walkin' with a dead man
Waitin' for an invitation to arrive
With a dead man . . . Dead Man . . .

Got my best suit and my tie
Shiny silver dollar on either eye
I hear the chauffeur comin' to the door
Says there's room for maybe just one more . . ."

Her loud, lovely voice boomed out over the elder Preachers who continued to shout their Bible scriptures at the top of their lungs. She was joined by the raucous drumming of Oingo Boingo, and soon other cars in the surrounding lanes began to toot their horns and their drivers to bang on their car doors, dashes, and steering wheels, adding to her beat. She danced in her seat, putting on an excellent show of shaking breasts, rolling tassels, and kicking, revealing legs. Some of the nearby women screeched their disgust at her antics, but others quietly joined in on the chorus of her song.

"I was struck by lighting
Walkin' down the street
I was hit by something last night in my sleep
It's a dead man's party"

The younger Preacher was stopped dead in his tracks, staring at her through big eyes. His mouth hung wide open, but he couldn't speak a word. The two Preachers with him were too busy shouting Bible verses meant to persuade Elvira to their way of thinking to notice that he wasn't joining in with them. They were on the very edge of the sidewalks, almost literally throwing their Bibles at Elvira, but she simply smiled, looked right at them, kissed the air with her black lips, and shook her breasts at them again. She kept singing all the while.

"Who could ask for more
Everybody's comin', leave your body at the door
Leave your body and soul at the door . . .
(Don't run away it's only me)"

Suddenly, the green light was on. Her passenger hit the adrenaline pedal, almost causing Elvira to fall, but she caught her balance at the last possible moment. Grasping her seat, she called to her audience, "THERE'S A PARTY AT 13 MOCKINGBIRD LANE TONIGHT! BE THERE, OR YOU'RE EVEN SQUARER THAN THOSE TWO FROCKS!" She winked at them, blew kisses, and dropped back into her seat just in time to grab her steering wheel and keep them from hitting the car before them.

Men were screaming, and vehicles immediately started changing lanes. Many of the women followed, too, while other men who would have gone were stopped by their wives and girlfriends. There were guys and women alike who were together who relished the moment, and Pagans and Goths across the highway sang and applauded in appreciation. They, too, changed their directions and peeled off after the Ghoul with the Mostest.

The two older Preachers turned on the younger one, realizing, for the first time, that he'd dropped out of their shared sermon. The boy grinned sheepishly at them. "Even Jesus drank wine, and I bet she's got the best tasting wine ever!" He tossed his Bible to the others who stared at him in astonishment and chased after the parade following the infamous Mistress of the Dark.

"Don't run away it's only me
Don't be afraid of what you can't see
Don't run away it's only me . . . "

Elvira grinned as she looked over at the hand in her passenger seat. He was busily making motions, and she shrugged. "You can't tell me you would've had me do anything less." She reached out and stroked him, and he trembled in delight. "I'm sure you would've preferred me to do more, and so what if we have a bunch of mortals coming with us?" Her grin grew. "The more, the merrier! This is going to be the best and funnest Halloween ever, and if they don't like us and don't want to join us, we can always eat them!"

She threw her head back and laughed, the first rays of the rising moon casting a silver glow across her pearly white fangs. She looked back down in surprise as the severed hand jumped onto her bared calf. She stroked him again and settled in to enjoy the best holiday ever, murmuring a line for a new song, "Thing Addams gives good hand!"

The End