Endlessly

The days are growing steadily darker, although the time is midsummer, and the leaves on the trees are stiff through lack of rain. The breezes are getting longer, fiercer, and the world is a bit darker a place to be in now.

Off on the horizon, storm clouds gather themselves, a riposte to the weeks without rain. The air is thick enough with humidity that it gets harder and harder to breathe. Or is that just my heart making it more difficult, Severus pondered to himself.

He stood upon the bank of a small hill in a field far enough away from civilization that no one could find him if they tried. This is what he wanted, to be alone, to be condemned, to be... sad. But what use is sadness? What fruits had it ever provided to him? The marks on his arms, or perhaps the ones on his legs? He smirked to himself a little, remembering those time, how utterly pointless the results were, how much they cost him even. Yes, how much they cost him, all of his idiotic mistakes.

Distantly, thunder rolled across the skies, and the thunderheads were a might closer than previous. How long had he been lost to that one thought? How slowly was his mind working right now? The smirk faded at this reflection, and Severus closed his eyes gently. He breathed in a deep, hoarse breathe, and further began to consider why it was so hard to breathe.

You know why, You git, he thought to himself, You're just not man enough to admit it. And really now, whose fault does that one lie? Severus clenched his jaw, preparing for the barrage of... of what he did not know to call. All he knew was that it would be a barrage, a veritable storm of anger, pity, and that Goddamn sadness.

You really believed to hold onto her that she would hold onto you? You are a naive fool, and a beggar for that.

"A beggar," Severus asked aloud. Speaking aloud to himself always helped. "A beggar of what?"

Attention, perhaps. Or sympathy. Compassion? One only knows, but no one truly cares.

"That's not true."

Oh, isn't it? Whom, then? What hidden person have I not counted amongst the ranks of the dead and the myriad of people whom have left you because of what you do, did, and will most likely do? What guardian seraph will come to deliver you from the shadow, the same shadow you create because of your naiveté, your doubt, and your stupidity? Severus gritted his teeth harder, fingers curling up into fists with knuckles white. His eyes became a little more tightly shut.

"Someone will," he forced weakly out of his mouth with the dried mass that is a tongue. His lips were cracked, lips that were crying so sweetly for that tender kiss he remembered.

Whom?

"Someone."

I ask again, whom?

"S - someone," Severus' throat was beginning to close up.

Once more, I ask you, whom?

"Som - "

WHOM?

And for a long moment, Severus neither thought nor said anything. His mind had fixated itself on a single image gleaning on its wall. The image of a woman, red hair flowing, eyes glinting with that hint of green, a smile so warm and kind as to invite you home for tea, hands so soft and a voice like a pond in the middle of a meadow with no one around to disturb it.

Finally, Severus managed a single word more meekly than anything he had ever spoken, heard, or perhaps even seen in all his time.

"You," he whispered to the painting in his eyes.

A long silence fell over him, a quietus so deep the air seemed brittle enough to break with a wince were it not for that humidity. The sky had darkened, the clouds a roiling mass above him now. A soft peel of thunder brought the stillness to a close.

No, said his mind, I'm afraid not. I am so sorry, but she I don't think she will.

"AND WHY WOULD THAT BE!" Severus exploded to the clouds above. There was no response this time, no quick remark or condoling tone. Nothing.

"WHY!" he yelled again, louder, fiercer, harsher. He could not understand. But he did. He knew he did, and he could not bring himself to admit it.

"DAMN YOU, WHY!" Severus screamed in a ferocious rage and with an air of despair. He sounded desperate, even to his own ears. The clouds seemed to agree, as another crack of thunder punctuated the question. Yet even after all of that, silence.

And then something stirred in his mind, his labyrinth of woe and misery.

Because she's gone, my friend. I am so sorry.

Severus body then all at once relaxed out of the tension it had been building. He felt a statue woken from a deepest slumber, stiff, tired, and unwilling to move even with the knowledge that he could.

I am so sorry, repeated the thought.

Severus didn't care. He couldn't. He was lost, is lost still, and knew that, no matter the light, no matter the guardian seraph, no matter the miracle that should happen, this darkness would linger forever, clutching not just to him, but to his heart. To his mind. To the very fabric of his soul and being with tendrils of corruption and sorrow.

I am so sorry.

Severus felt around his person, fingers numb and senses blurring together into a maelstrom of confusion. Slowly, the anger began to rise, the hatred. Not at her, never at her... at himself for being so careless, so irresponsible, so... cruel. Finally, his iced over fingers clutched a wand and remained. His thoughts were a torrent, one that threatened to sweep him away, to carry him further into the pits of Hell. Oh, how lovely it would be to burn, to freeze, to choke, to...

I am so sor -

"AVADA KEDAVRA!" Severus shrieked to the sky, wand pointed brazenly upward at the clouds. The bolt of green light snaked its way towards the vaporous mess above him, churning light his stomach, shifting like his mind, dying in a way only it could. Severus held the spell, forcing more power into it. Its light grew brighter, and smaller bolts were branching off as the lightning came from him, not the storm. And it did. Merlin it did.

Finally he broke it off, standing there upon hi hilltop impetuous and shameless. He spread his arms as if to embrace the retribution of Nature Herself, looking a man nailed to a cross of faithlessness and horror. Nothing came.

Suddenly, a boom of thunder erupted overhead as if rejecting the curse sent skyward to it. And a single drop of rain fell. Another followed suit, and slowly but surely the storm unleashed itself above him. The rain poured, and Severus just stood there.

I am deeply sorry, my friend. I know you loved her.

"I love her still."

You should let go.

Severus just stared up at the clouds, face carved of stone and expression as cold.

"No," he said.

I do not think -

I did not ask you to think on this.

Nevertheless, I do not deem it wise to hold on to her. It is rather pointless. She moved on already. And even if she hasn't, she will. All it takes is time.

Severus considered this. He knew it was the truth, knew it was an overwhelming possibility and an inevitability.

"I do not deem it wise, either. My answer is till no."

Why? What is the point?

Severus allowed himself a smile. "Because I want to. Because she is all I have ever wanted, and all I will ever want." The voice in his head went quiet for a moment, as if it too could ponder these responses separately.

You still love her?

"Always."

Finally, Severus' legs gave out beneath him, and he crumpled to the ground, waiting for the lightning to strike him down, letting the rainwater intermingle with his tears.