Mr. Oldman's Revenge Part 2: Penelope Taynt is Beautiful to Demons
After Amanda Bynes is locked in an insane asylum once again for her erratic behavior, Penelope Taynt (Amanda's Number One Fan Please!) goes on a mission to bust her out and clear her name: a fanfic containing hijinks, shenanigans, and a touch of pathos for all you bleeding hearts. Rated M for language, innuendo, and taboo subject matter.
[Note: this takes place at least 1 decade after the events of "Mr. Oldman's Revenge Part 1 (also on this site)" which of course took place on September 10th, 2001.]
Chapter One
References in this chapter:
-Nickelodeon in general between 1994 and 2014
-Amanda Bynes's various crimes, arrests, psychiatric holds, etc.
-She's the Man (2006)
-One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest (1975)
-The Righteous Brothers's "Unchained Melody"
-The Victorious episode "Rex Dies"
-Jim Norton's "OCD Scumbags" rant
-Necro's song "Beautiful Music for you to Die To" (or "WKCR 89.9 Freestyle")
-A&W Rootbeer commercial with "Mr. Dumbass"
It is Spring 201X. Due to her various insane shenanigans (side swiping a police car, shaving her head, DUI, throwing a bong out of a 36th story window, getting dumb tattoos and breast implants), Amanda Bynes has once again been locked in a mental institution after being put on a 5150 psychiatric hold by her parents, and is making little progress.
Time goes by (so slowly), and the natural, dirty blonde hair on Amanda's previously shaved head has grown out to about the length of her male wig in "She's the Man." She gages time by the length of her hair (as there are no calendars or timepieces in the mental institution, much like a casino or grocery store) and estimates she has been locked up at least three months.
In a vain attempt to bring her back to reality, Amanda is finally taken her out of solitary confinement and is forced into a group therapy session with the other lunatics in the asylum who have been there for years. They sit in a ring of plastic chairs arranged by the hospital staff and wait patiently for the 'talking stick' to be passed to them in order to speak. There is much love and 'undiestandings' between the various lunatics, with the head psychiatrist, Dr. Dumas, leading the way.
Amanda is having none of it however. Due to the annoyance of having to listen to the stupidity of the other mental patients, as well as her multiple personality disorder (from the trauma based mind control she suffered as a child) acting up, she begins to channel her angry 'Ask Ashley' character from "All That" at this meeting and starts to attack the group by insulting their neuroses.
For instance, she mocks a man with severe, superstition based OCD just as he begins to tell his boring, aimless life story. He is the type who has to touch a doorknob 50 times before opening it, amongst other things. He is also a huge fan of baseball statistics (but not of the game itself, oddly enough), but that's beside the point. Tired of being insulted by the disgraced former starlet, he hands the 'talking stick' to the fat, paranoid, old lady sitting next to him, and gets up to leave the room in a huff.
Just as he reaches the door, Amanda runs up to him. As he nervously begins to count the number of times he taps the doorknob, she yells out random numbers, animals, and kitchen utensils in his ear. She finally makes him lose track of his counting, reducing him to a slobbering, twitching, crying mess collapsed on the floor. Amanda then opens the door for him, shouting, "look what I did, I turned the stinkin' doorknob! You touch it once and then you turn it!" She then mocks the convulsing middle aged loser, "EEE I have to count to fifty cuz my mother drank when I was in the womb and I was shoved in a locker every day of middle school! It's called being obsessive compulsive about being an annoying idiot! MAAAAN!"
Dr. Dumas walks over and attempts to take control of the situation by giving Amanda a happy pill and forcing her back to the circle of mental patients as the orderlies drag the incapacitated man out of the opened door back to his padded room.
After being seated for about 4 seconds, Amanda becomes instantly bored and starts attacking the fat, paranoid, old lady who was in the middle of spastically explaining how her husband put a hit out on her in 1983 and that the hitmen are still out to get her. Amanda grabs the 'talking stick' from the fat, paranoid, old lady and claims that she herself is the hitman that has been hunting for her the past 3X years. The fat, paranoid, old lady screams and tries to escape Amanda who begins to chase her around the seated circle of mental patients a la Duck-Duck-Goose, brandishing the 'talking stick' as if it were a billy club. Amanda repeatedly shouts "MA HA! MA HA!" (having donned her "Amanda Show" character 'Crazy Courtney's' crazy personality by now) along the way. After a few runs around the maypole, the fat, paranoid, old lady ditches the circle and jumps out the nearby open window, falling two stories. Amanda states plainly (in character as Courtney), "trying to fly…" before she returns to her seat as if nothing has happened.
After all these disruptions, Dr. Dumas decides he's had enough and orders his orderlies to put (the currently out of order) Amanda back into the rubber room. She refuses to go at first, but is shot up with a certain serum and is happily coaxed into the chamber by the giant black male nurse from the Victorious episode "Rex Dies."