A/N: graphic violence, domestic abuse, drug use. Set after the Kira investigation.
STAY
"How could you?" Tear tracks stained Mello's cheeks, those blue eyes full of pain and anger. Matt could only stand there in his underwear feeling guilty, ashamed of himself for what he'd done, wishing he could take it all back but the damage was already done. He'd fucked up, royally this time. Mello would never forgive him. The boy in their bed clutched the blankets around himself, eyes darting nervously between the two. The blond looked dangerous and the outline of a gun tucked into the waistband of those leather pants was unmistakable. Who knows what someone who looked like that would do when provoked with a situation like this but Mello just grabbed the boy's jeans off the floor threw them toward the bed. "Get the fuck out. Both of you…" he whispered, still glaring at his boyfriend.
Matt looked shocked. Mello had never thrown him out before, not matter how bad he screwed up, and he screwed up a lot. The red head had been plagued with insecurities since his mother had left him alone on the doorstep of a church in Spain when he was only three years old. Convinced that no one wanted him, no one would ever love him, he pushed everyone away, no matter how hard Mello tried to prove him wrong. He'd go out, get drunk or high, then come home days later with hickeys all over his neck. It wasn't even the first time he'd cheated, but maybe fucking someone in their own bed had been taking it a little too far…
But he'd done far worse, hadn't he? The blond had only called him on it a few times, when he was truly fed up but when he did, Matt would hurt him, hit him, fuck him raw. The first time it was just a slap but it got worse until he'd had to take Mello to the hospital one night to set a broken wrist. After that, he'd spent a week begging for forgiveness and even though his lover had given in on the drive home, he still promised to change, to never do it again but it never lasted.
He'd behave for a week or two, maybe a month before he was back to his old ways. And for someone who had taken over the Mafia, helped bring Kira to his knees, Mello remained surprisingly submissive. Of course, he always had been when it came to his precious redheaded lover, even when they were kids. Matt followed him around like a puppy dog, took orders when the work needed to be done but Mello did everything in his power to give his boyfriend the world. He never once fought back, just taking the hits until Matt had gotten his anger out, then consoling him when the redhead felt disgusted with himself hours later.
"Mel, please baby…I'm sorry…" he tried, moving closer and reaching for the blonde's hand. Mello snatched it away, shaking his head, the tears still dripping from his beautiful face. "Mello…"
"No! Get out! This is it, Matt, I've fucking had enough!" he screamed. Anger flashed through the redhead's eyes and he lunged at the blond, fingertips just grazing the fuzzy leopard print jacket as the older boy stepped out of the way. When he tried it again, he found himself staring down the barrel of Mello's beloved .45. For a moment he froze then just smiled and shook his head.
"You wont do it. We both know you wont do it," he said but there was a click as the safety was released. Mello's hands were shaking but his eyes were daring Matt to try something and for once, Matt thought he might just be serious.
"You fucking touch me and I'll blow your god damn brain out all over these nice white walls." Yeah, his hands might have been shaking but his voice sure as hell wasn't. His tone was cold, dead fucking serious and Matt was reminded of Mello during his Mafia days. The blond had always been fascinating to watch, his mere presence giving off an aura of danger that made even the biggest guys stay the fuck out of his way. He'd calmed down quite a bit since the close of the Kira case, become tamer, opting to stay home and keep the peace. He'd beaten Near, and that was surprisingly enough…but the redhead had never been the one on the receiving end of Mello's wrath. Now that he knew how it felt, he pitied the ones who'd had to see this before the blond pulled the trigger. "Go ahead motherfucker. I dare you to try it. You wanna hit me? Give it a go and see how far it gets you. Now get the fuck out, go see if you can catch up with your little whore, maybe he'll let you crash at his place. Baby, I don't want to do it because I love you so much despite how shitty you treat me but if you don't get out of my sight within the next thirty seconds, so help me god, I will pull the trigger." Matt stared him down for a moment, hoping that he could change his mind, or at least intimidate him enough but Mello refused to give in. "Move it Mail. The clock's ticking…" Finally Matt broke eye contact and quickly located his clothes, the blonde's gun trained on him the entire time. He gave his lover one last pleading glance at the door. "Five… four… three… two… one…" There was a moment's hesitation, just enough to give Matt the impression that he'd won but no sooner had the thought crossed his mind than a bullet whizzed past him, embedded itself in the door casing only inches from his head.
Slowly, he turned, staring at the cracked wood in shock, then back at Mello. Something warm and sticky slid sown his neck and he reached up only to have his fingers come back slicked with blood. Finally he felt a stinging sensation and realized the bullet had just barely nicked the cartilage of his ear. All he could say was, "You missed…"
Mello laughed. "I hit exactly what I was aiming for. Call it a warning shot. You wont get another." A few seconds later, the front door slammed shut, Matt was gone and Mello let himself collapse to the floor.
He had just kicked Matt out. At first, in the heat of the moment, he thought that was what he wanted but now, only minutes later, as he lay curled up in a ball on the floor, his heart ached. He already missed him. But it was for the best right? Matt had been jerking him around for years, there had to be a breaking point. Nobody could suffer all the pain and betrayal Mello had felt forever. He just wished it didn't hurt so fucking much to make it stop.
Matt stood at the back of the club, sipping on a vodka and redbull even though his mind was already clouded over with all that shit he'd snorted up his nose earlier. He watched the people around him dance, sweaty half naked bodies pressed together, moving to the beat, the heat radiating off them and making the room feel like a sauna. He'd been asked to join several times by girls and guys alike but he just didn't feel like it. Normally, he'd jump at the chance because while Mello was undoubtedly gay – well, mostly he was just attracted to Matt – the redhead had never been picky about gender.
But, he couldn't focus, couldn't think about anything but Mello and the way he'd looked when he told him to get the fuck out. It had been four days and the blond still refused to take his calls. Mello had never managed to stay mad for this long, not at him anyway, and it was starting to scare the redhead.
Had he really gone too far this time? Was it too late? Was Mello really serious about never wanting to see him again? What if he didn't forgive him? What would Matt do then? Seven years. They'd been together seven years, gone through hell and back, nearly lost their lives more times than he could count and this was how it was going to end? Over some stupid mistake? Granted, Matt made a lot of stupid mistakes but still. Did Mello think it was really worth it to give up everything they had? Everything they'd built together? Matt finished off the rest of his drink, abandoned the glass on a nearby table as he made for the door.
No, it wasn't going to end like this. He wouldn't let it. There had to be something he could do, something to make Mello believe that he really did love him, that he was truly sorry. He headed off in the direction of their apartment, puffing away on his cigarette, his brain working on overdrive to find a solution but everything was so cloudy. What the fuck was he going to do?
He still hadn't thought of anything as he approached their building. He took the elevator up to the third floor, didn't bother knocking, just used his key and let himself in, not trusting that Mello wouldn't slam the door in his face. It was late so Matt moved quietly through the apartment on the off chance that the blond had gone to bed early and sure enough, he found him passed out on the couch, his arm resting on his thin chest, long slender fingers clutching an open book. Matt just stood there and admired him for a moment.
He wasn't dressed in his usual attire but in a pair of sweatpants and one of Matt's striped shirts. The blond was practically swimming in the fabric, it had to be at least two sizes too big, he could wear the things without anything underneath and no one would ever know the difference but Mello had always been tiny, slightly taller than Matt but lighter for sure…and everyone had always told the redhead how skinny he looked. The blonde's features had always been slightly feminine as well; a little less now with the scar but even that didn't take away from his beauty. He was horribly sensitive about it; always trying to hide behind his hair or keep the left side of his face turned away but Matt thought he was gorgeous, sexy, maybe even more than ever. It made him look even more exotic, dangerous. Especially when they were fucking. Little beads of sweat would catch in the ridges of the ruined flesh, sparkling like diamonds when the light hit them just right.
The redhead bit down on the inside of his cheek as his dick began to harden at the thought. God damn it. This was really not the time to be a pervert. He kneeled down beside the couch; reached up to run his gloved fingers along Mello's scarred cheek. The blond stirred, whimpering in his sleep but didn't wake up. He had to be uncomfortable on that old couch. They'd had it since their first apartment together but even though this one was much nicer, they hadn't been able to part with it. Matt slid one arm under Mello's knees, the other around his back and slowly got to his feet, lifting the blonde's nearly weightless form with ease.
Once in the bedroom, he laid him down as gently as he could, still managing not to wake him by some miracle. He must have been really tired; usually the slightest sound had him awake and alert, drawing his gun. Again the redhead sat down on the edge of the bed and just watched his angel sleep. He was so fucking pretty, no one else could ever compare. Matt felt like an idiot for sleeping with some trashy little raver when he could have just come home to have this.
What the hell was wrong with him? Mello was perfect, all a man could ever ask for; gorgeous, brilliant, willing to fuck him any time he asked. He cooked, he cleaned, didn't give a shit that Matt was the laziest bastard on the planet - Jesus Christ, the man even did windows… Why did Matt keep pulling this shit, treating him like nothing? There was an easy answer to that one even if he didn't see it himself.
He was scared. Plain and simple. Absolutely fucking terrified.
He'd been abandoned by the woman who'd given him life when he was barely old enough to care. He was constantly made to feel inadequate for years at Wammy's House, reminded that he'd never be quite good enough…of course a child's self esteem was going to suffer. Matt was the perfect example of that. He always felt insecure, not trusting the people around him to stick around, not believing when they said they loved him. If you let them get close, you'll only get hurt but he couldn't help letting Mello in.
Falling in love with his best friend had been inevitable, no matter how hard he'd tried to stop it. His heart belonged to the blond the moment they met and it scared the shit out of him, even at five-years-old. So he'd been constantly testing him ever since, trying to make him leave to prove his theory right, that everyone leaves you in the end, nobody really cares. Mello refused to go. He took the abuse time and time again, always telling him he still loved him, that he was forgiven when it was over. Matt hated himself for it but he just couldn't stop. He couldn't shake the feeling that it was only a matter of time before his angel tore his heart out of his chest and left him all alone.
The blond rolled onto his side, curling into a ball, his hair falling to obstruct Matt's view of that beautiful face. The redhead reached out and brushed it away, but when he did, Mello stirred again, this time opening those gorgeous blue eyes. Matt smiled, kept petting his hair. "Hey baby. You have a nice nap?" he asked. He expected a smile in return, expected a warm welcome home, that his boyfriend would be happy to see him but Mello frowned, smacking the hand away before sitting up and backing away.
"What the hell are you doing here?" he asked, instantly awake and alert, on his guard. Matt reached for him again, only to be refused. Mello wanted to give in, to let Matt hold him. He'd missed him so much, had spent the last four days crying, regretting his decision. He'd even been wearing his clothes for Christ's sake, just because they smelled like his redheaded lover.
"Mello, come on, you can't still be mad. It's been days. I said I was sorry, let's just put this behind us, ok?" He unzipped his vest, tossed it onto a nearby chair, kicked off his boots, then crawled onto the bed toward the blond. Matt took Mello's shock as the perfect opportunity to kiss him, wrapping his arms around the other's tiny frame but was surprised when he felt his boyfriend's hands pushing at his shoulders. Mello was just being stubborn, he'd come around, he always did so Matt tightened his hold, one hand going to the back of the blonde's head to keep him from breaking the kiss. Mello was strong but Matt was stronger so all of his efforts to struggle were in vain. Finally, he went limp, and Matt nearly smiled, thinking he'd given in until sharp little teeth bit down on his lower lip, the taste of copper spilling onto his tongue, triggering him to pull away. He released Mello, reached up, gingerly inspecting his wound with his fingertips, then let out a hiss of pain upon contact. "What the hell was that for?" he asked angrily. When he met Mello's eyes, the other boy was glaring at him, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand.
"What was that for? Are you fucking insane? What the hell do you think it was for?"
"I don't know! What put you in such a bitchy mood?" the redhead asked, completely forgetting his thoughts from before in his anger, his drug induced haze not helping a bit.
"I told you not to come back here now get the fuck out!" Mello screamed, pointing toward the door. Matt didn't so much as move a muscle and when the blond tried to push him off the bed, he hit him. A powerful backhand that sent him over the edge of the mattress and onto the floor with a loud thud. Mello couldn't move at first, his head spinning from the blow and was trying to push himself up onto his hands and knees when Matt grabbed a fistful of blond hair and dragged him to his feet, making him cry out. The redhead threw him against the wall, then pinned him there, one hand going around his throat when Mello tried to push him off.
Matt was furious, enraged beyond even what he'd thought himself capable of. All the times he'd abused Mello, all the times he'd hit him, thrown his frail body against a wall, fucked him dry and hard, it felt no where near as terrible as this. The anger felt like it had split him in two, part of him trying to hold back, the other part giving in and loving how suddenly clear his thoughts were. All these years that he'd suffered, scared that any minute Mello would walk out on him, subconsciously trying to dampen his spirits, break him down so he wouldn't dare to leave. Now it was crystal clear through the anger, everything suddenly made perfect sense. Of course Mello planned to leave him, he had been pushing him away for years, whether or not he liked to admit it. And that's what made the redhead really pissed off. Mello had sworn that he would stick with him. Mello had lied. Just like Matt's mother, cradling him to her chest as she ran up those church stairs, drying his soaking wet hair with the baby blanket he'd been clutching. She looked straight into his eyes; rain and confused tears trailing down her pale cheeks. He hated the sound of the Spanish language, because he remembered how soft and sweet his mother's voice had been when she spoke to him last. 'Be a good boy', she'd said. 'Be a good boy', and 'I'm sorry', and 'I love you and we will see each other again. This is better for you. It's not because I want to do it, it's because I know that you will have a better life without me'.
It reminded him of a few months ago, when his coke habit had gotten to the point where he couldn't make himself care when he opened the little packet at the dinner table, snorted a few lines and then tried to kiss Mello. The blond told him to choose between the drugs and him, that if he couldn't it would be all over. 'I'm doing this for you, baby', Mello had sworn when he took the drugs and closed the bedroom door, leaving Matt alone to shake and cry as he sweat out the chemicals. A whole week at least, though he couldn't remember for sure, Mello only coming in to offer some water or soup, to pat a damp cloth over his forehead before switching off the light and leaving again. He was never very far, just in the next room. Matt could hear him crying out there, but hadn't he had heard his mother crying long after she disappeared into the night? Mello might as well have been on the opposite side of the world for how alone the redhead had felt that time.
The blond froze as the grip tightened, not enough to restrict his airway but certainly enough to prove that Matt meant business. He looked into his boyfriend's green eyes, shielded by the ever-present orange lenses, and saw nothing but anger. There was no sign of the man who loved him, and Mello knew why. He'd tasted the alcohol on his tongue, saw his dilated pupils, flushed skin, all the signs consistent with drug use. This wasn't Matt; he wasn't the same person when he was fucked up. All this bullshit had started a few years ago and steadily gotten worse the more he used.
"Shut up, Mihael! You can't tell me what to do! I make the fucking rules around here, remember?" Mello nodded as those fingers squeezed just a little tighter but Matt pulled him away from the wall, only the slam him back against it. "Answer me!"
"Please Matt…" Mello choked out as it became harder to breathe. The redhead slapped him. "Yes, you make the rules…" Matt smiled, stroked his blond hair with his free hand but completely cut off his airway, tilting his head and watching as the other boy gasped for hair, wide eyes pleading as his smaller hands tried to pry Matt's away from his throat. Just as the edges of his vision began to go gray, he was released, the redhead letting him fall to the floor.
"Good boy," he said, patting Mello on the top of his head. He pet him while the blond choked and coughed, trying to catch his breath, then grabbed him by the hair again and threw him onto the bed. The redhead wasted no time grabbing his boyfriend's hips and dragging him to the edge of the mattress, yanking down his sweatpants and boxers in one move while the blond was still dazed. Mello couldn't manage to focus until he felt Matt between his legs, nails digging into his hips while he pressed his erection against his ass. As soon as the redhead's hand went for his zipper, Mello started fighting again.
"No! Don't you fucking dare, Matt! I swear to god I will fucking kill you!" Matt forced him onto his stomach, yanked his belt out of the loops then used it to tie the blonde's hands behind his back before flipping him over again. "Get the fuck away from me! I said no god damn it!" Mello screamed, trying to kick out but with the other boy standing between his legs, it didn't do much good. "I swear to god I'll fucking kill you for this…You are so fucking dead? Do you hear me? You are so fucking dead…" he threatened but the redhead paid him no mind, just covered his mouth with one of his hands, effectively muffling the blonde's screams when he shoved two fingers into him, no lube, no spit, nothing. Their makeup sex was almost always rough, Matt needing to prove to himself that Mello was there, that he wasn't leaving him but that was consensual. The blond didn't mind as long as it was helping Matt get over his insecurities for the time being, and it usually felt pretty fucking good. This was…rape.
Matt was going to rape him.
The thought sent a surge of panic through his whole body and again he kicked out, this time landing a solid blow to Matt's chest. The redhead fell to the floor, winded and Mello sat up, finally able to free himself from his bonds. He got to his feet and ran down the hall, Matt still gasping for breath but only a couple of steps behind. As soon as he managed to get the bathroom door shut and locked, the redhead was pounding on it, swearing and screaming at him to come out. That he'd go easier on him if he gave up. Mello sat down in the corner farthest from the door, knees pulled up to his chest.
He jumped when Matt kicked the door hard enough to make the wood splinter and put his head down, covering his ears. Three more blows and it swung open, Matt crossing the room in a matter of seconds. The redhead grabbed Mello's skinny wrists and hauled him off the floor, effortlessly throwing him across the room. The blonde's hips collided with the counter but there was enough force behind it that his head slammed into the vanity mirror above the sink, cracking the glass. A second later he felt Matt's hand on the back of his neck, holding him down, heard the sound of a zipper but he didn't move. He was too dizzy and it wouldn't do any good. He didn't have anywhere else to go.
"You've been very, very bad Mello. Now I have to punish you. I didn't want to do it angel, but you didn't give me any choice. You should have just listened like a good boy. Why can't you just fucking behave?" the redhead whispered, lips brushing against Mello's ear as he spoke. This time he didn't bother with his fingers, just shoved his dick in all the way, ignoring Mello's screams. It wasn't the most comfortable thing for him either but once the blood started to flow it became easier to move and it wasn't long before the thrusts became faster, harder, slamming Mello's hips into the edge of the counter every time. It lasted only minutes but it felt like hours to the blond and by the end of it he couldn't scream anymore, only whimper as Matt came inside of him, the salty fluid making his shredded insides feel like they were on fire. The redhead pulled out, tucked himself back into his jeans then slapped him on the ass. "Did you learn your lesson?" he asked. Mello opened his mouth to answer but it wasn't quick enough and all he managed was a whimper when Matt did it again, twice as hard this time. "I'll ask you again. Did. You. Learn. Your. Lesson?" Mello saw him raise his hand again in the broken mirror.
"Yes! Yes…I learned my lesson…" he said but Matt hit him anyway, then patted him on the head.
"Now there's my good boy." The redhead leaned down and kissed his cheek, then left him there with blood and come running down his thighs. His wrists and hips were bruised and he could tell there would be more on his face, if they weren't there already. He'd look like hell in the morning but it was getting harder to think, even harder to see with the blood from the gash in his forehead dripping into his eyes so he just gave up and closed them. He was so tired anyway, he just wanted to sleep. Maybe he'd wake up and it would all turn out to be a dream…
Yeah, that was it. It was just a dream. Only a dream…
When Mello woke up he almost believed it. His body felt blissfully numb but he wasn't in his apartment. This wasn't his bed. His eyes stung from the bright lights, he was surrounded with white…Had he died? Was this heaven? He tried to lift his hand to shield his eyes, wincing when he felt a sharp pain in the crook of his elbow. He tried again, this time more carefully without bending his arm to get a better look, almost panicking when he saw the tube taped down to his skin. Focus, Mello, gather the evidence just like L taught you. He followed it up with blurry eyes to where it connected to a plastic bag filled with clear liquid. An IV. Ok. So this wasn't heaven. It was a hospital. He was in a hospital, which meant that last night wasn't a dream, it was real, his boyfriend had raped him.
He closed his eyes, and a tear slipped out but when it was brushed away, they shot open again. Matt was there by his bedside, goggles hanging around his neck revealing his bloodshot eyes. He tried to smile. "Hey baby…" he whispered. He reached out to touch him again but immediately thought better of it and snatched his hand back, instead running it through his own dirty hair. He looked like hell, like he hadn't showered or slept in a week, and he was in desperate need of a shave. "I was so worried about you…How are you feeling?"
"How do you think I feel? You fucking raped me last night." Mello's tone was cold, his voice a hoarse. Matt's eyes darted around the room, looking to see if anybody could overhear them.
"Baby, you've been in and out for five days. And try to keep your voice down, ok? I told them…I told them you were attacked while I was out and I found you the next day…" he whispered.
"Five days…Are you serious?" Though the blond felt terrible for it, he was less surprised at having been out so long as he was worried about what his boyfriend might have been up to during that time. Five days was long enough for Matt to have betrayed him again, to have cheated or used drugs like he kept promising he wouldn't do ever again.
"You lost a lot of blood…Are you going to turn me in?" Mello laughed and shook his head.
"That's all you're worried about? That I'll tattle on you? Why should I lie for you Matt? After what you did to me, why shouldn't I tell them everything? Are you gonna hurt me again if I do?" The redhead noticed that there was less fear in the blonde's tone then there was a hint of accusation or challenge. Go on, I dare you, his bright blue eyes said. His hands were shaking as they dragged the thin sheet up around himself, but he had that same expression that he usually wore when there was a gun in his hand.
"No! Of course not! Look, I'm really sorry, ok? I don't know what I was thinking, I just lost it. I missed you so much, and I was scared you were going to leave me. You how I get…Please baby, forgive me…" Matt begged, tears filling his eyes. He took Mello's hand into both of his, brought it to his lips. "Please, angel. I need you so bad, you don't even know. You're my everything…" Mello let him hold his hand but fixed him with an icy glare.
"Of course you didn't know what you were thinking. You were so drunk and coked up that I am genuinely surprised you even made it home. Are you sober right now?" Even Matt deserved the benefit of the doubt, but Mello still looked into his eyes for the signs, expecting wide pupils darting back and forth, the hand that held his own to shake. He surveyed the younger man's body, seeing how thin he'd grown. Mello wanted to push back the striped sleeves, inspect the bulging blue veins for the bruised puncture holes he had found so many times.
"I haven't touched anything since I found you in the bathroom. I haven't even left the hospital, slept in my car after hours; ask the nurses…I couldn't leave you, I feel like the most disgusting person on the planet."
"That's because you are."
Matt sighed, kissed the back of Mello's hand. "I deserved that."
"You're fucking right you did."
The curtain surrounding the bed suddenly slid open and a nurse walked in, smiling cheerfully. "Oh good, you're awake. You gave everyone quite the scare Mr. Jeevas. How are you feeling?" She went to the monitors, checking to make sure everything was working properly, that his vitals were all stable, then changed the bag on his IV. She took his temperature, measured his blood pressure, changed the bandages on his forehead and torso, Mello watching her in silence. "I need to check on your other injuries. Do you want your friend to stay with you or – "
Mello looked at Matt. "Get out," he said before she could even finish. The redhead looked hurt but got to his feet after kissing his hand once more. The nurse walked him to the door, shut it behind him, locked it, then closed the curtain for an added sense of privacy. Mello wondered if it was standard procedure with rape victims, to make them feel safer. If that was the case, it wasn't working. There could have been a brick wall between him and Matt and he'd still want the door and the curtain too.
The nurse sat down in a chair beside his bed, a clipboard and pen in hand. "My name is Emily. Now, I know its kind of scary, maybe a little uncomfortable to talk about but I need to ask you a few questions. Are you up to it? If you're not, I understand. It's just best for us to get these things down as soon as possible when it's freshest in your mind." Her hand hovered over his shoulder, like she wasn't sure if a gesture of comfort wouldn't see him sobbing or screaming. Mello turned his head to the ceiling, glaring at it instead of the nurse. No, he didn't want to be touched, but she would be doing that soon enough anyway.
"It's fine…" he said and she gave him another one of those big happy smiles. He wanted to ask her how much lithium they had her on but kept his mouth shut. No need to be hostile, she was only trying to help.
"That's great. Thank you, Michael." Mello barely resisted the urge to roll his eyes. Michael Jeevas? That's all he could come up with? Jesus Christ…Emily checked her form, "Ok, Michael. Do you remember anything about your attacker? Did you see his face?" Mello hesitated. He loved Matt, more than anything but he had hurt him…He'd hurt him before this too, numerous times…The blond shook his head. Emily laid her hand on his arm. "Michael, are you protecting someone? Do you know who he is? If you're afraid to tell me because you think he'll hurt you, I promise, I will not let anything happen to you. But you have to tell me or I can't help you." She kept her voice gentle and soft and he couldn't help wondering if she could read his mind. He shook his head again and she sighed, glancing toward the door, then back at her clipboard. Mello felt his pulse speed up. She knew. Somehow, she already knew. Had she told anyone else? Mello found himself praying to god that she hadn't, concentrating so hard that he didn't even hear her next question. "Michael? Are you all right?"
"Yeah. I'm fine just distracted, I'm sorry…" The blond willed himself to look anywhere but towards the door, to think about something other than the man he used to know waiting outside, just as nervous as he that the truth was about to get out. Mello tried to picture something other than that enraged determination staring at him through the mirror, tried to concentrate on the smell of sterile implements instead of the cigarette smoke and aftershave that was clinging to his own skin.
"Its ok honey. We'll make it quick, ok? So, can you tell me anything about your attacker? How tall was he? What was his build like? Did he have any facial hair or tattoos? Sometimes it helps to close your eyes and think…" Mello did but all he could see was Matt. 5'5", 120 pounds, red hair, green eyes, a tattoo on his chest, right above his heart that said 'Mello'. Mello had Matt's name on his lower back, just barely visible above the waistband of his pants. They'd gotten them at the same time, a week after they closed the Kira case. Matt loved to touch it, kiss it; just look at it whenever he had the chance. In public, he'd slip his fingertips just below the waistband of his pants; rest them there, especially if another man so much as looked in Mello's direction. He said he loved that the whole world would know that they belonged to each other. It was almost like being married…
"I'm sorry. I can't remember," he lied, keeping his eyes closed so he wouldn't have to look at her when he did it. For some reason he felt bad. She wanted to help him but she just couldn't understand. He loved him.
"What about his clothing? What was he wearing? Was he dressed casually, in a suit, was he wearing a uniform? Maybe he had glasses?" again, there was Matt. Striped shirt, baggy jeans, combat boots and that hideous fucking vest. No glasses. Goggles, yes, complete with prescription lenses. He'd refused to wear his proper glasses since he was a kid. Said they made him look like a dork. The blond laughed, despite the tears leaking out the corners of his eyes, because he really had looked like a dork but it wasn't long before the laughter turned to sobs. Emily held his hand while he lay there and cried, eyes shut tight. When he'd calmed down, she dried his face with a tissue, still offering that sympathetic smile. "Michael? Do you want to stop now?" He nodded and she put the clipboard away. "I'm afraid I'm going to have to do the physical examination now. It'll be a little awkward and it might be a bit painful but I promise I'm going to try as hard as I can not to hurt you. Can you move down to the end of the bed and put your knees up for me? Or you can turn over, whichever you're more comfortable with." Mello hated them both, the last thing he wanted was someone touching him there – how fucking humiliating - but he settled for staying on his back, pulling the sheet up over his head to hide his face. He could hear her moving around, then her fingers were touching him, pushing inside of him. He bit down on his lip and whimpered, just barely managing to keep himself from crying out. "I know it hurts honey, I'm almost done. I just need to check on your stitches."
"I have…stitches?" he asked, feeling his stomach churn. Again he thought of his lover, how they'd gotten through so much together. They'd just been kids the first time they both had stitches. Mello had been playing football, defeating the other team only to be jumped by one of them. They wrestled each other to the ground, kicking and punching. The blond had had the upper hand, until they rolled a few feet and they boy grabbed Mello's shirt, heaving him up then throwing him back down. The blonde's knee had connected with a soda bottle someone had carelessly tossed to the ground, the glass had shattered from the force of him knocking into it, broken pieces imbedding in his skin. Then Matt had come out of nowhere, probably checking to see if his best friend was finished so they could go inside and play some games. He'd rushed to the older boy's side when he saw the blood, picking up a large chunk of glass and lunging for his attacker. A teacher had pulled him off before he could do any damage, though his hand dripped blood from where it had been squeezing around the shard. That was when the older boy first realized the extent of the redhead's temper.
"One of the wounds was too deep to heal on its own without causing you more harm than good. You wont have to have them taken out, they'll dissolve on their own but you will need a check up in a couple of weeks." She prodded at him for a couple more minutes then pulled the sheet back down over his legs, helped him back up to the pillows. "Ok, all done. Would you like me to get a detective to come down here so you can file a police report?" Mello immediately shook his head.
"When can I go home?" As much as Mello didn't want to deal with Matt any time soon, he felt his heart reaching out towards their shared living space, missing the crappy old couch, the bed that had taken on both their scents. He missed every surface, every piece of furniture, even though he couldn't name one spot where they hadn't both fucked and fought at one point or another.
Emily sat back down. "In a couple of days most likely. They'll want to keep you for observation, watch for infection before they release you…Miles is your boyfriend?" his eyes snapped up to meet hers, startled by the question.
"Huh?"
"The boy outside. He's your boyfriend?" Mello hesitated, then nodded. "I thought so. He said he was your brother. You know, I've seen so many of these cases; enough to know that it's usually someone you know. Someone you trust. A friend, a family member, a spouse…You took a shower before you came in, even cut your fingernails. There was no evidence from the rape kit we did, only the physical trauma. Why did you cover it up? Or did he make you cover it up? I understand that it's hard to see the bad in someone you love but domestic abuse isn't usually a one-time thing. It keeps happening, and gets worse over time. I'm willing to bet it started out with a little slap, shocked you more than hurt, right? And the next time he hit you just a little harder. It makes me sad to think about how long this must have been going on before it got to this stage." Emily put her hand on his cheek, leaned a little closer. "You do not deserve to be hit by anyone, and you certainly didn't deserve this. Abusers don't just get better on their own, Michael, they need help and they're not going to seek it out themselves. He won't stop, not unless you make him. No one can do it but you." She reached into her pocket, pulled out a picture and held it up for Mello to see. It was a boy, probably his age, blond hair, blue eyes. "This is my son Alex. He would have been twenty-five this year but he didn't even make it to twenty-one. He'd been dating this boy, Jason, since they were in high school, and he was head over heels in love. Wanted to get married, have kids, the whole nine yards. They seemed so perfect for each other but none of us knew what was going on behind closed doors. The first time he ended up in the emergency room, I tried to stop it but he wouldn't listen and it just got worse and worse. One of his friends found him in his apartment after he didn't show up at work. He died a week later. Jason didn't mean to kill him, it was accident. He just lost control of himself, couldn't stop hitting him. I don't think Matt meant to take it this far either but he did." Mello's eyes grew wide, his heart skipped a beat.
"What did you say?"
"Your tattoo. It says 'Matt', not 'Miles'. You're name's probably not Michael either but I'm not going to strip him down to find out what it is. I am going to ask you to at least think about what I said. I don't want you to end up like my baby…Now you should probably get some rest. It will help you heal faster. Goodnight, Michael."
On her way out, she flicked off the light switch, shut the door behind her but it opened again a moment later and Matt slipped inside, sat back down in the chair beside the bed. "Mel, baby, are you asleep?" he whispered.
"No…" he whispered, staring up at the ceiling. After a moment he added, "She wants me to turn you in." Matt laughed nervously, scratched the back of his neck.
"Heh…figured as much. She gave me quite the look out there in the hall. Like I was the Anti-Christ or something."
"Her son was murdered by his boyfriend." Matt froze, stared down at Mello through the orange tinted goggles, thankful that his eyes had finally adjusted to the dark.
"Do you think I'm going to kill you, Mello?" He prayed that the answer was no, his pulse speeding up with every second that passed in silence.
"I don't know. Are you?"
"You can't be serious. How could you even think that I would…Jesus, Mello…" Matt jumped to his feet, the force shoving the chair back. He started pacing back and forth, dragging his fingers through his hair, pulling until his scalp ached. "Let's get one thing straight ok? I fucking love you. I know I'm a total fuck up and I don't deserve you because I swear, you've got to be some kind of angel, and yeah, you probably should turn me in but fuck her. Fuck all of that bullshit. Just because I messed up doesn't mean I don't fucking love you so much it hurts. You're all I've ever had, Mel. Nothing and no one else. You're it. And I hate that I hurt you but I can't take it back, and I'm sorry. I'm fucking sorry ok?" The redhead dropped back into the chair, yanking his goggles off, not even trying to hide his tears. He grabbed Mello's hand, and pressed the palm to his chest. "You feel that? You're the reason for that. Without you, I'm nothing; you're my better half, baby. If you leave, you might as well just tear it out and take it along with you because I wont need it. It's yours anyway, always has been."
Mello didn't move, didn't speak, only stared at the hand Matt clutched tightly to his chest. He could still hear the nurse's words swimming through his brain but they were no match for the feeling of the redhead's heart pounding against his palm. Then he wondered about her son, what had that guy said to keep him coming back? And did he really mean it? "Promise me." He whispered.
"Anything you want…" Mello looked up, meeting scared green eyes. Matt wasn't trying to manipulate him.
"No, I want you to promise me and mean it. Not just tell me what I want to hear. Say what you mean, even if it's terrible. You know I'm not going anywhere either way…I just want to know where I stand."
"What is it?"
"Promise me that you'll never hurt me again. Promise that you'll give up the drugs and the drink, that you'll leave if you start to lose your temper and stay away until you can control yourself. Because I love you too, and I need you. Why do you think I stick around? I don't like being hit, ya' know…" Matt averted his eyes, ashamed. "No, look at me. I'm not trying to make you feel guilty. Just, please…I don't want us to be another statistic." Matt leaned over and kissed him, soft, gentle. No tongues, no teeth but somehow it was even more intimate.
"I promise…"
Three months later, Mello found himself in their apartment, gasping as his back hit the wall. Matt had been out again, the temptation proving to be too much and come home higher than a kite. To his credit, it was the first time since Mello been released from the hospital but the blond was understandably pissed. Unfortunately, he made the mistake of pushing the redhead away when he'd tried to kiss him and seconds later, he was on the floor, lip split and bleeding, taking a boot to the ribs. He didn't stay down for long, knew he had to get away but as soon as he made for the door, Matt grabbed him by the hair and flung him against the wall.
The redhead slapped him, hard enough to send a spray of blood against the white surface then pinned Mello's wrists above his head, squeezing them so tight, he could feel the sharp little bones grind against each other. "How dare you try to leave me?! You're mine god damn it! Mine!" he screamed. He forced his lips against Mello's, pressed himself tight against the blonde's body, grinding their hips together but as soon as his captive felt his hard on rub against his thigh, the older boy jerked his head to the side and screamed.
"No! Please, Matt!" He didn't fight, just let himself go limp. Matt, surprised by the outburst, let go of his wrists, watched him fall to the floor. Mello pulled his knees to his chest, looked up at Matt with wide, wet eyes. "You promised. Don't you remember? You promised me Matty…" he whispered, then hid his face in his knees and waited for the pain to come. Matt stepped back, staring down at his bloody hands, then at the tiny blond on the floor. He could hear the muffled gasps, see his shoulders shake with his sobs, and it was enough to sober him up considerably. Yes, he remembered making that promise while he watched Mello suffer in a hospital and he'd meant it…What the hell was he doing? He turned and grabbed his keys, his vest and his cigarettes before running out the door.
Matt drove around for three hours, smoking cigarette after cigarette until his hands were shaking so bad, he was afraid he'd go off the road. He pulled into an empty parking lot, turned off the ignition then leaned forward and rested his head against the steering wheel. His heart was pounding so hard that he thought it would beat right out of his chest so he closed his eyes and took deep breaths, trying to calm himself. When that didn't work, he slammed his fist into the dash a few times, screaming obscenities in every language he knew until he thought he'd broken a few bones. Surprisingly, he did feel better. His hand hurt like a bitch but at least he could breathe again.
"Fuck. I am such a fucking idiot…" he muttered, leaning back against the headrest. "God, Matt, how fucking stupid can you get? You fucking promised. You promised not to do it again, and what do you do? Fuck up at the first opportunity. You know, Matt. He's really good, like, perfect. Beautiful, smart, loyal, understanding, and he loves you. He shouldn't, he's more than you'll ever fucking deserve but he does. He gives you chance after chance, puts up with you and your fucked up head, even though he's been through as much as you have in his lifetime, and what happens? What does he get for the trouble? You just throw it back in his face, you ungrateful son of a bitch. No one ever wanted you but he does. He does…" Matt was talking to himself, and yeah, he knew that if anyone was around to see it the cops would be on their way to cart him off to the loony bin but it was helping in a fucked up kind of way. He couldn't straighten out the mess in his head but when he voiced his thoughts aloud, it helped. "He'll leave you this time, ya know. He won't take it forever. You yell and scream and hit him and…rape him…" Again he hit the dash. "Jesus fucking Christ! I raped him. Someone hands me a fucking angel on a silver platter and I defile him, treat him like a fucking whore? How the hell can he still look at me, still let me touch him, let alone say he loves me?" He thought back to the night before when they had sex on the coffee table. Mello rode him, let Matt come inside him, then told him over and over again how much he loved him until they fell asleep. What the fuck was he doing at the club tonight knowing that gorgeous blond was at home waiting for him? Why did he take the drugs, knowing full well that Mello's the only high he'd ever need? No amount of coke would ever make him feel that good. He jumped when the Mario theme song filled the car, fumbled through his pockets until he found his cell phone. "Hello?"
"Matty, where are you?" Matt smiled when he heard Mello's voice. 'See, you moron? See what he does for you?' his brain taunted. "Matty? Are you still there?" The voice was very calm, quiet, like the older boy thought that he was talking to someone on the verge to jump off a building, blow their head off.
"Yeah, baby, I'm here. Are you ok? Did I hurt you bad?" The redhead's mind raced, imagining multiple cuts, bruises. He thought he could see Mello now, like he had been three months ago, bloody thighs shaking with the effort to hold his weight, all while talking calmly to his lover, as if he was the one that needed or even deserved the concern. Matt had to remind himself that he'd stopped before it got to that point, that he hadn't...raped him again. He'd held back, even with the chemicals swirling through his brain, distorting every sight and sound until the whole world moved like a bullet whizzing past his head. He remembered the beginning and the end, the club, then seeing Mello curled up on the floor, but the between was lost. Just like pulling a trigger, you could feel the gun kicking back as the bullet made it's way out, you could hear and see something but your eyes couldn't quite follow the path because it was too fast and too loud and scary, and before you knew it was lodged in a head or heart.
"No, I'm ok. You just kinda scared me. Are you ok?"
"Y-yeah, I'm fine…" Matt fumbled in his pockets for his cigarettes, counting backwards from ten as he grew more and more agitated when he couldn't find them. His lighter fell to the floor, his head banging on the steering wheel as he bent to pick it up from under the pedals. He groaned when he found the pack of cigarettes under his seat, dusting it off before extracting one and managing to light it after the third try.
"No you're not, Matt. Where are you? I'm coming to get you." The redhead heard the blond moving around, the jingle of keys.
"No sweetheart, I'm fine, I really am. I think I scared myself. But I'm ok now that I've calmed down a bit. I'm really sorry, honey…"
"I know you are…Look, I still think I should come get you. You don't sound right…" Matt couldn't decide whether he wanted to laugh or cry when he heard the worry in Mello's voice.
"I promise you I'll be fine. I'm coming home right now. You want me to stay on the phone 'til I get there? Will that make it better honey?"
"Yes," the blond answered seriously. This time, Matt did laugh.
They didn't speak, just listened to each other breathe until he pulled up to the building. Mello was waiting for him on the stairs but as soon as he stepped foot out of the car, the blond had jumped into his arms, legs wrapped around the redhead's waist, kissing him breathless.
"Mell? What's the matter?" he asked. Mello shook his head and smiled.
"Nothing. You kept your promise Matty. You left before you lost it again. You kept your promise and I swear to god I love you so fucking much." Before Matt could say a word, his pretty blond was kissing him again, clinging tightly to his body. The redhead managed to hold Mello up with one hand shut and lock his doors with the other. Getting up the stairs was trickier but once they were in the elevator, it was smooth sailing all the way to their bedroom. Matt was quite proud of himself, considering that his gorgeous little sex kitten was making all these beautiful sounds into his mouth, already stripping their clothes off as soon as they got through the front door.
By the time he got Mello to the bed, they were both naked from the waist up, jeans unbuttoned, zippers pulled down. Matt wondered briefly how the hell Mello had gotten his belt buckle undone without him noticing but decided not to question it. He'd chalk it up to the pwnage that was Mihael Keehl and worry about it when he didn't have two perfect, tanned, very naked legs wrapped around his waist and an equally amazing hand sliding into his boxers.
"Mmm…I love you Matty," the blond moaned against his lips, unwilling to separate for even a second as he wrapped his hand around the other boy's dick.
A second later, the redhead was on his back; about four more and his jeans and boxers were around his knees. By the count of ten, he would swear he'd died and gone to heaven because Mello had practically swallowed his cock, the tip hitting the back of his throat. There was probably a full minute there where Matt's brain completely short-circuited. His fingers and toes had all gone numb because his dick had the monopoly on his body's blood supply but every nerve felt like it was on fire. He shakily pushed himself up onto his elbows, looking down only to meet Mello's blue eyes. Seeing that gorgeous mouth wrapped around his dick was bad enough but he nearly lost it when his lover moaned, sending little vibrations all through him.
"Mel, you gotta stop baby…" he said, gently pulling the older boy off of him. Mello looked up at him through his fringe with that Cheshire cat grin and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand. "As much as I really, really appreciate the gesture, this is all turning out to be a little one sided don't you think?" He flipped them over again, Mello giggling when he struggled trying to kick his jeans off the rest of the way. "Oh, you shut up…Now where were we?"
"You were just about to get to the part where you fuck me senseless…" the blond said, wrapping his arms around Matt's neck. He kissed along the redhead's jaw, down the side of his neck, making sure to leave as many little marks as possible along the way.
"Oh, yeah, how could I forget? That always has been my favorite part."
"Mine too…now get on with it." Matt laughed, reached out to the nightstand to retrieve the lube. He got up on his knees, pulled up one of Mello's legs to rest over his shoulder while he slicked three of his fingers. He nearly dropped the damn bottle twice, too distracted with the way Mello looked, laid out on the bed in front of him, completely exposed for his eyes alone. Matt had been his first, and he promised he'd be his last. "Having trouble?" the blond teased. He was still smirking as he began sucking on his fingertips, jerking himself off with the other hand.
"Can't be helped…If you weren't so fucking amazing, I wouldn't be having this problem." He fought back the urge to laugh when Mello's cheeks flushed red with embarrassment at the compliment. "You ready?" the blond closed his eyes and nodded but winced at the initial penetration. Matt kissed the inside of his thigh, wrapped his free hand around Mello's dick to distract him. "Sorry baby. Just relax, ok? You know it gets better…" The blond nodded, and gradually it did until he had his lover writhing on the bed beneath him, sweating and panting, begging Matt to fuck him. The redhead removed his fingers, then laid down between his lover's legs, one hand holding the majority of his weight off the blonde's tiny frame, the other gently guiding his dick into him. Mello let out a little hiss of pain, it being quite a bit larger than Matt's fingers and the younger boy immediately stopped. "You ok?"
"Mmmhmm…" was all Mello could manage as he squeezed his eyes shut and wrapped his arms around his lover's neck.
"Mell, look at me. If I'm hurting you, I'll stop." Mello opened his eyes and smiled, ran his fingers through messy red hair.
"I'm fine, baby. I promise. Now fuck me before I lose my mind…"
It was slow and gentle, Matt taking his time to make Mello feel amazing. Usually, their make up sex was rushed, the redhead being slightly careless, leaving behind bruises on hips and wrists in his desperation to prove to himself that his Mello was there, wasn't abandoning him like everyone else but this time he wouldn't allow it. He'd screwed up so much, he was going to make sure Mello knew how much he loved him this time, how much he cared.
For once Mello came first and Matt made to pull away, finish himself off, as not to cause his lover's sensitive body any discomfort but the blond wouldn't let him. Instead, he rolled them over so he was on top and rode him until the redhead came inside of him then collapsed against his chest, both of their bodies slicked with sweat, shaking as they struggled to regain control of their breathing. They lay in silence, Matt stroking the soft blond locks, kissing any skin he could reach. He ran his tongue over the scars, massaged sore muscles.
Usually, he'd tease the blond for hours; hold him down with his arms pinned behind his back, twisting them painfully until he'd almost pulled them right out of their sockets and fuck him until he knew he'd be feeling his cock for the next week. He'd let himself come inside him at least two or three times, never once pulling out. The redhead would taunt him, making him beg for it before he let Mello have his. It was his way of showing dominance, telling the older boy 'you're fucking mine, and don't you dare forget it'. He'd call him his bitch; tell him he was such a fucking slut. And the blond had never complained, even said it was kind of fun but it made the redhead feel sick. It was disgusting.
What the fuck was wrong with him?
"You didn't have to do that," he murmured, reaching down to pull the blanket up over their cooling bodies once they'd finally calmed down. Mello kissed his chest, licked his nipple. "You should get up, it's going to hurt later." The blond shook his head, burying his nose in the crook of his lover's neck.
"Don't wanna. I like it. I want you inside of me…Feels so good baby…So good…" a sleepy voice replied. Matt smiled, kissed the top of his head and tightened his arms around that tiny little figure.
"Trust me baby, I don't mind staying right where I am but I don't want to hurt you." Mello reached up, put his fingers against Matt's lips, then slid them into the redhead's mouth.
"Shh…Shut your fucking mouth for five fucking seconds…tired…Go to sleep. I love you, Matty. I'll never leave…"
The redhead felt Mello's heart rate slow, his breathing even out, waited until he knew he was asleep until he started to cry. Mello wasn't leaving him. Why he'd ever doubted it, he couldn't figure out just now but he was sure. They'd fought the odds, stayed together through thick and thin, and the blond would be there beside him until the very end.
And he was going to change. No more drugs. No more booze. This was it, it was all over, Mello was the only high he'd ever need. He sighed and wiped his eyes, held his angel tighter and whispered, "Thank you for saving me, baby. I love you too."