Regret.
Remus regretted a lot of things he'd done in his life, a lot of things he'd let happen. Things he could have stopped. Over time he'd learnt to shut his eyes, and shut them out. Shut out the guilt. But that didn't stop the ghosts of the past from haunting him. That didn't stop him from seeing her on every street corner, in every window, in every dream. Clouds, fog, smoke suddenly had a shape- and it was always her. And he couldn't help remembering.
"Please don't go- no- please tell me it's not too late-"
"You're better off without me." He insisted. She just shook her head, and walked away.
He couldn't do it anymore. He didn't know if she was really a ghost, or if he was imagining her- he couldn't move on. Yes, he knew it was his fault. And he should pay for killing her. But this- this was worse than anything he could have imagined. This was torture.
He should have realised what she was doing. He did, in the end. But he was too late. Yes, he regretted not noticing earlier. Maybe then he could have helped her. Maybe.
"Please- please let me help you- Dora…"
"I've already asked it of you too many times-I'm beyond help or healing now. I see it, and so do you."
"But you can't- you can't die… If you can't live for yourself... could you live for me?"
He remembered begging. He remembered pleading with her. But she wasn't listening. Because he wouldn't say the words she needed to hear. He hadn't told her the truth. He should have.
"I love you, but sometimes love isn't enough." She'd told him.
He'd left then, angry with her, with himself. He wished now that he hadn't. Because he would never see her again. Not really, not alive.
He could have saved her. He knew it. All it would have taken was three little words. I love you. But he couldn't bring himself to. He'd been close, so very, very close…
And now he was alone. Now he had no one to whisper those words to in the middle of the night. Now he had no one to love. Was that a good thing? If he had no one to love, he had no one to hurt- James, Lily, Sirius, and Tonks… all dead. All gone.
With shaking hands, Remus looked up from the park bench on which he was sitting. Her smoky form stood in front of him, starring straight ahead, over the top of his head. Silent, as always. Soft tendrils of smoky hair blew around her face, and still she starred on.
"It was too much for you. But what if life without you is too much for me?"
Her eyes locked on his. And she smiled.
His whole body was shaking now. He was out of time. He couldn't keep going like this.
"Goodbye, Remus."
A light wind blew through the park, and her smoky form dissolved into the air.
He let out a shaky sigh. She knew. She had forgiven him. She was letting him move on.
But he knew he never would. Already he was running a thousand miles in his head. Running to where she was.
A/N: for the suicide challenge on hpfc :D a combination of Out of Time by the Bleeders, and waaaaaaay too many repeats of strawberry fields forever on my ipod ;P Review, I still have lots of brownie left over!!!