Hello, and welcome to 'Quarantine'! Happy Valentine's Day! Following 'Memory of Light and Waves' (SSB), this is a special Valentine's gift. It goes out to not only Metal Gear Solid fans, but to a very close friend of mine. With every fiber of my heart, I hope the lady Zephyr enjoys this piece!
This oneshot deals with Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. It takes place after 'Metal Gear Solid 4: Guns of the Patriots', so our beloved Snake will be in his old form. He's rather adorable that way, don't you think?
Disclaimer: Other than a PS3 and copy of MGS4, I don't own anything related to Metal Gear Solid. I would like to own David Hayter and Christopher Randolph, though.
This contains boy/boy love. If you're allergic to the idea of Snake being gay, or if you're allergic to gay couples in general, you're more than welcome to leave. XD That also applies to you if you're uncomfortable with the idea of Snake showing emotion.
Warning: The first half of this contains extreme angst. Blame Apocalyptica. XD
Whenever a disciplined animal was abused beyond repair, it retreated within itself. It constantly escaped from its own thoughts, hoping to relieve itself of its pain. No matter how hard it tried, though, its nightmares always caught up with it. It hid itself from the world, curled up in a malnourished ball of tears and shivers. The horrors of the night meshed with the day, making life an unfriendly experience. The animal felt trapped, lodged between the Hellhole of day and the Hellhole of night. There wasn't a single place to turn, or a single prayer to grasp onto. Thus was the empty, cold life of a broken creature.
He was no different from an inconsolable, endangered mammal. Enshrouded in his own tears, he hid himself from the world he once inhabited. Not too much time elapsed before he concealed himself from his only loved ones, not wanting them to witness his weaknesses. He had no desire to endow them with unnecessary pain. They had already done so much for him, always worrying and always caring. What was the point anyway, when he was fated to die in such a short time? They had no reason to care so much about him. He thought the world of them, even if he didn't admit it vocally. Every fiber of his withered heart adored his makeshift family. Which explained why he couldn't torment them. It wasn't fair of him to place his well-being on their shoulders. Hal had already been through his own turmoil, and the little girl deserved a life of brightness. She was, after all, on the brink of turning eight. She constantly assured her family of contentment, saying that she needed nothing more than her two dearest friends. Hal accepted her words sadly, but he didn't accept them at all. How could he? She was such a dear little thing. Hal had been pulled through the world's last war, which was bad enough. Sunny gave her efforts to the world's greatest battle, and the inclusion of her efforts was nothing short of unforgivable.
They were meant to begin a new life together. He had made an attempt to steal his own life, standing within a graveyard of memories. Due to the parting words of his father, who had never acknowledged him until that point, he made the decision to keep the flame of life. What use was it to him, though, when he posed such a horrific danger to the world about him? He had the potential to transform into the world's deadliest weapon. That didn't say much for a living, breathing person.
With his own hands, he re-enacted the pain he went through. With his own hands, he wrought pain upon himself-even as his dearest friend, his lifelong companion, tried to shake him into an awakening. Whether he was asleep or conscious of his actions, neither one of them knew. Snake didn't care either way. What difference did it make, when one was lingering on the edge of death anyway? He only knew that, with his own hands, he tore away at himself-and he tore away at Hal's heart. In addition to that, Sunny had to witness everything. She did, after all, live in the same home. The poor flower didn't have a chance to bloom.
Day was no different from night. Both were painted in the black streaks of Hell, drawing him into the embers of grief. He bashed his head against the wall, trying to blot out images of his brother. He tore the skin from his head, trying to remove his brother's hands. He cried with the sorrow of a broken wolf, trying to escape from his brother's heartless words. Day and night he dashed about his bedroom, hands about his head and head bashed into windows. The loving hands of Hal tried to calm him down, but the sweet otaku was hurt on a number of occasions. Seeing the pain he inflicted upon Hal, who never meant him any harm, only made things worse.
"Leave me alone. L-l-leave me alone! Get away from me!"
"Dave! Dave, calm down! I'm-"
"No! Get the hell away from me! GET AWAY FROM ME! I DON'T WANT TO HURT YOU ANYMORE! WHY CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT?! AS LONG AS HE'S WITH ME, I'LL HURT YOU!"
Hal contemplated calling for a hospital's assistance, but foreign hands would only increase the situation's severity. His dearest friend was a wounded dog, desperate for love but unwilling to reach out. He was frightened of himself, for his brother lived within him. His brother made daily visits, stabbing him with words and kicks. His brother tormented him, driving the worst degree of abuse straight into his broken soul.
"Look at you. Pathetic, writhing piece of garbage, you're unfit for life! You were never meant to live in the first place! You're an inferior pig, dear brother of mine, and for that you shall pay! You'll pay with your meaningless, worthless shithole you call a 'life'!"
"Why don't you hurry up and die?! I'm tired of looking at you! And stop those tears! A monster was never meant to shed the proof of humanity! You disgust me, brother!"
"Don't come crying to me about love! You ruined everything I loved! So don't preach to me about how precious life is, and how you wish to live! You deserve nothing but the darkest, slimiest gutter, you filthy rat! Why don't you lie down and die already?!"
With those words came the most vicious attacks. Snake always found himself in some sort of torture chamber, tied down like a dog or stripped of all clothing. His brother always hovered above him, beating him in the worst forms imaginable. The old soldier now knew many torture techniques. His brother had utilized a whip, daggers, kicks, punches, and chains. In one dream, whenever he attempted to breathe, he found himself choking on that attempt. In other words, he found himself suffocating. Liquid told him it was the price he had to pay for soiling the planet's air.
Even though his visions were only visions, they remained. Like a vicious enemy of the past, they stuck with him. They haunted him, even as he tried to release himself. Blood surged forth from his broken body, as those he had killed returned to kill him. He stood in front of a firing squad, shortly after he had been beaten to the verge of no return. He lay upon a ground, body pierced by stakes. He was chained to a wall, suffocating on his blood as his brother laughed at him. He now knew what it was like to be tormented...all too well.
The holiday commonly known as 'Valentine's Day' rolled around. The world was just emerging from its worst war, coming forth from the remnants of the 'war economy'. The last battalions of war returned to normal lives, happy to live through routines of peace. Flowers were purchased to celebrate love. Vows were exchanged between reunited couples. Children, happily reunited with their parents, no longer had to witness the explosions of Hell. Remnants of war were still about, but the world was rebuilding itself. Unfortunately, one pivotal soldier wasn't able to do the same. He had plunged into the darkest Hell imaginable, clearly broken beyond repair.
9:00 am. Exhausted in more ways than one, Hal opened the door to his friend's bedroom. His heart exerted a small sigh of relief, happy to see that the old soldier wasn't throwing himself about. Whenever he wasn't in the condition to bash himself, he either slept or sobbed in a pitiful ball, locked away in a corner. The otaku happened to find him in a ball, shivering. His bedroom, of course, was in shambles.
"Dave?"
No answer-as he expected. There wasn't a verbal answer, but he knew. Hal knew that his friend acknowledged his presence. It was due to their unbreakable connection. Some would even label it 'chemistry'. They weren't romantically connected to one another, but they were practically soul mates to each other. Some were lucky to discover such wonderful things. "It's me," the gentle otaku said, voice wavering. Even as his heart fell deeper into the worst imaginable pain, Hal retained his warm, tender serenity. Unfortunately, his appearance betrayed his attempts at cheer. He too looked worn beyond repair, which worried his little princess to no end. He and Dave were truly on the same page.
"Listen. I asked someone to come here and see you. It's...well, it's Valentine's Day, and...I thought it would be nice for you to make a friend."
Snake gave him a look that would have caused a demon to burst into tears. He saw the horrible shape his friend was in, even as the sun glimmered outside. To say Hal was exhausted was an understatement. The poor otaku had been dragged through the harshest storm, all because of everything he was going through. He looked as if he hadn't slept in years, let alone bathed. To top it all off, the otaku was much thinner than he used to be. If something wasn't done, Sunny would be left all alone-and a gentle flower would be cut down in the prime of its life. Snake had no right to drag Hal through any more grime.
Hal said nothing more, even though he wanted to. Like a shy child boiling with words, he staggered out of the room. Snake watched him leave, eyes burning with tears. The eyes of a brokenhearted dog observed his departure, with a heart knowing of future tears. Hal would surely break down in the next room, falling straight into the arms of a seven-year old girl.
Life wasn't fair. At all.
He hated himself. He hated himself for tormenting Hal. He hated himself for forcing Hal's head into the bathroom mirror, accusing him of being no different from Liquid. He hated how he threw the otaku across the room-with Sunny in the same vicinity. He hated how Sunny looked at the two of them, her gentle eyes wreathed in tearful sadness. He hated how they feared for his life, even as he made their days horrible. He hated himself.
In his corner he sat, shivering. Tears trickled down his face as he thought of Hal's bruises. Tears fell from his heart as he thought of Sunny's smiles. His heart shattered as he thought of Hal's pleas, Hal's words of comfort. He wasn't doing either of them any good. He didn't bring any profit to any one any more. All wars had come to an end. He was tormenting the only family he had left. What point was there to life when it was so painful? So meaningless and empty?
"Hi."
What an odd word. Blinking through thick sheets of pain, he looked to see who had entered the room. It wasn't Sunny, for the voice belonged to a male. And Hal had left the room. It was obviously Hal's friend.
Perfectly calm, despite the ravaged world about him, the otaku's friend pressed on. He was a male of twenty years, warm and tranquil. "I'm a friend of Otacon's," he explained softly, gently placing his hands about the old soldier's shoulders. In the distance, an otaku and small maiden looked on in fear. So far, Hal's friend had made a considerable amount of progress. Whenever the otaku attempted to place his hands about Snake, he was inevitably thrown aside. Perhaps it was because he was a stranger, and Snake couldn't sense any reason to be afraid.
"Don't be afraid. I'm here to help you! My name's Raguna."
He blinked, making the sight of Raguna painfully clear. The young male's voice was indescribably warm, and he had an indescribably warm appearance. Almond brown tresses glittered in the distant sun, as soft blue eyes glistened with the radiance of blue crystals. Upon him Snake looked fearfully, pleading with him to stay-yet pleading with him to stay away. "What's your name?" he asked, pledging his perpetual support with a simple smile.
Snake hesitated to respond, disoriented and fretful. He then proceeded to say:
"I...I don't know."
"It's okay. I know what your name is. I was just hoping you'd be able to tell me in your voice, but I'm here. It's okay."
"What is my name?" a shivering canine asked, tears pouring from his weary eyes. Raguna gave him an answer instantly, warm and comforting.
"You actually have two names: David and Snake. Solid Snake. You glow as a legend in two worlds."
Anger mixed with sadness. Tears of sorrow fused with tears of anger. "I don't want that name," a quivering soul said, looking ready to bolt. Meanwhile, an otaku and maiden exchanged sorrowful glances.
"I don't want that name."
"Why not?" Raguna asked gently, calmness intact.
"It's...it's covered in...blood. I'm covered in blood."
"That's not the way I see things. The way I see it, you're a hero," a soft soul explained, the very epitome of sunlit tranquility. Snake missed it, but there appeared to be adoration in his eyes-and in his voice. "If it hadn't been for you, this world would have been lost a long time ago. There might have been a lot of soldiers involved in the last war, but you stood out."
"As what?" the old soldier snarled, eyes flashing. Hal's heart froze, sensing danger. If the otaku had been in Raguna's position, an attack would have been inevitable. "As a tool? As a hired killer?"
Raguna's smile simmered into a soft, effervescent frown. "You're nothing like your brother," he assured the other, squeezing his shoulders. He too sensed the danger he was in, but stood his ground. "You're not like anyone else. You're you. You're the one you choose to be, and you chose to be a hero. If you were nothing but a cold-blooded killer, you would have joined your brother in destroying everything. Nothing would be here right now. I wouldn't be here right now. The world, as we know it, would be long gone. You're not like your brother."
No response. Serene blue eyes met shaken green eyes. "Let me ask you something. Would you kill someone out of cold blood? Would you kill Otacon out of cold blood?"
With an aching heart on his face, Snake shook his head. "Would you kill Sunny out of cold blood?" the gentle male asked, voice adopting a small degree of firmness. And once again, the old soldier shook his head.
"Final question. Would you kill me?"
"No," a tearful puppy replied, dangerously close to sobs. "I wouldn't hurt you. I don't want to hurt you. I don't want to hurt anyone."
"You just proved my point. You're nothing like your brother, Snake. You've got a heart."
To emphasize his newest point, Raguna sent a gentle hand to Snake's heart. He then took one of the soldier's hands and placed it against his heart. In a matter of seconds, the two of them developed their own chemistry-and it was rather thunderous. Snake looked at Raguna with the sorrowful eyes of a lost bird, one desperate to find his way. Raguna looked at him lovingly, eyes shining with dew. "I don't want anyone to love me," the old soldier said, tears rolling out of his eyes.
"Why not?"
"It's not fair. It's not fair. I don't want them to love me," he sobbed, referring to Sunny and Hal. "Nobody should love me. She didn't love me."
"Who didn't love you? What was her name?"
The name came out of a frightened mouth. The name came out of fear, pain and agony. The name was spoken as if it were a fatal curse. Evidently, Liquid hadn't been the only one attacking Snake in his visions. "M-M-Meryl."
"How come she didn't love you?"
"I...I was...I wasn't right," came the tearful, mournful answer. "I...I was...ugly. She...I wasn't anything she wanted me to be, and...I...she..."
He bit down on his lip. Hard. It was an attempt to stifle harsh, penetrating cries. It was an attempt to halt the vicious strikes of a woman's hands. Seeing Snake's distress, Raguna quickly wrapped his arms about him. Sensing a greater chance for danger, the otaku instructed the maiden to stay behind-and rushed into the room. Fortunately, the old soldier showed no signs of inflicting harm upon the young male. He was completely frozen, tears storming from his eyes and heart raging within. "I would love you," a soft voice whispered, its hands running down his back. He stiffened at the contact, struggling to decide between an attack or defense.
"I would love you. I would love you, and accept you as you are. I wouldn't hurt you."
Going against Hal's wishes, Sunny dashed into the room-carrying a Pikachu plushie. "I wouldn't hurt you," a tender voice repeated, closing its eyes. "I would save you."
"I...I d-d-don't want you to love me," Snake sobbed, dangerously close to weeping. About Raguna's waist went his arms, clinging to the other as if Raguna had transformed into a lifeline. He gripped the other's body, coming dangerously close to breaking the other in half. "Go away. Go the Hell away from me! Leave me alone!"
"I don't want to leave you alone," Raguna retaliated gently, tears edging into his eyes. "I want to help. I want...I want...to be with you. Even if...you leave sooner than I'll be able to bear."
I want to be with you. Even if you leave sooner than I'll be able to bear.
The words not only echoed throughout Raguna's eyes, but throughout the eyes of Hal and Sunny as well. Snake heard their echoes and saw their tears, capturing their raindrops and filtering them into his heart. A moment of silence passed before he spoke, looking into the faces of those that loved him.
"I...I d-d-don't want to die. I...I want to stay. I want to stay here. I don't want to die. I don't want to die! I don't want to die!"
Onto Raguna he gripped, not wanting to drift out to sea. Onto Raguna he gripped, gripping him tighter than any beast or machine ever could. Into Raguna's chest went his tearful wails, falling straight into the young male's heart. A soft, affectionate hand through his silver tresses as he wept, pleading. Begging for another chance. Begging for the chance anyone would have begged for.
Begging for a chance to live.
That Valentine's Day, love blossomed. It bloomed in many ways, great and small. Many celebrated it by taking walks in the park. Others celebrated it by exchanging heart-shaped boxes of candy. Hal celebrated it by giving his friend another chance at love, pretty much setting him up on a blind date.
As a result, a makeshift family-and a young knight-celebrated the day of love by holding one another, wrapped up in tears.
I not only want to thank Shining Zephyr for supplying me with inspiration, but Apocalyptica as well. Thank you, Apocalyptica, for creating the song 'I Don't Care'. This oneshot was composed to that angsty, emotional and epic song. Thank you, from the one and only Aurora.
While I put Snake on a blind date in 'Memory', he was put on a much darker date in here. Both blind dates are tributes to a precious friend, and samples of a project I'm working on. Inspired by Assassin's Creed (PS3) and the .hack//sign anime, I'm throwing Snake into his own version of 'The Bachelor'. Raguna, his Valentine's date in this project, will be featured in that project: which is tentatively called 'Psyche'. Raguna hails from 'Rune Factory', an alteration of the Harvest Moon series. XD
I have fallen in love with Snake's turmoil. XD Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder is a cinematic element of tales, to say the least. XD Which explains the birth of 'Psyche'. Following the completion of 'Knights', it'll be a dive into our beloved mercenary's broken heart. XD
Happy Valentine's Day!
Dedicated to the one and only genius, Shining Zephyr. She forever rules the world, and will forever glow in my heart. Here's hoping I supplied her with at least tiny inspiration.