What He did to Me

My eyes flickered from left to right, taking in both escape routes. The doors were unlocked, and that meant anyone could come in at any moment.

But it also meant I could leave at any moment. I wasn't sure if that was good or bad.

After the war ended, mum got me an appointment with a mind healer. We all had to see one, but mum thought Harry, Ron, Hermione and I were most important because we were in the middle.

Well, they were, but after standing in front of Voldemort, when he called me a silly girl for running out to see if it was Harry, it brought back all the memories. I remembered all the gaps I was missing from my first year, from writing the messages on the wall to the first time, when I hung Mrs Norris up on the wall after watching the basilisk petrify her.

Tom had stood behind me, telling me exactly what to do, and I just did it. But inside, I fought back. I didn't do bad things, I wasn't a bad person, and I couldn't hurt her. I couldn't!

And I thought that I didn't have anything to do with it until I woke up with Harry down in the chamber. I remembered that Riddle had made me do it because he told me before I fell unconscious, but I didn't remember doing it.

Mum thought I needed help, so she sent me here, and this was my forth session. I hadn't said anything yet, but I wanted to. I wanted to tell her about what haunted me at night.

It wasn't what I had done that haunted me, because I sort of know that wasn't my entire fault, I wasn't in control, but it was what he did to me.

When I told him that I couldn't remember what I was doing before Mrs Norris was petrified, he came out of the diary… When it came back to me when I saw Voldemort, I just thought it was a bad dream, but then I remembered how sore I was the morning after Mrs Norris' petrification, and how there was blood on the sheets. I didn't know where it had come from, but it was there.

That wasn't the only time it happened either. There was only blood on the first time, but I was always sore after. I always wondered why I was sore after a period of memory loss, and with all my memories back, I could finally put it into words…

I still hadn't said them, though. I didn't want to admit that's what had happened.

But it explained a lot, though. It explained the feeling of fear in my stomach when Dean tried to have sex with me when I pushed him away and we broke up. I just thought it was because I was a virgin, not because… well, that.

It explained why I had a panic attack when I thought about it later, too. I thought about saying yes, just to get the scary part over with, and I think I knew then that something wasn't quite right, that I was missing something.

Especially when I asked Hermione about it. I asked her about sex and about how much it would hurt for the first time. She explained that if it was done right, then it wouldn't hurt too much and that there was nothing to be scared of.

It was then that I realised that it might not be the actual act of sex that scared me, that it was someone else touching my body that scared me.

I suspected for almost two years before I knew. I knew the memory gaps that I had were too big to just be the messages on the walls, and the act of letting the snake out. There was no way it would take up more than 6 hours of my time, and the times of the incidents didn't always add up.

See, I wrote down all the times of the incidents that I knew of and the times of my memory gaps, and I kept it, just in case.

And now I know the truth.

My heart pounded inside my chest as I decided to admit the truth, out loud, for the first time ever.

"He raped me."

AN: Please review.