This is going to be a hard one guys. Sensitive material ahead.
There was a moment before he realised what had happened. It was a lapse in his racing thoughts. A brief second where his brain was unable to fully comprehend the sight that was in front of his eyes. He had always known to prepare himself for the worst in those sort of situations, but he had never counted on something like it happening. It didn't take long for his blood to start to boil. For the heat and rage that had developed quickly in his system to course through his veins and flood his entire body.
Anger. He wasn't sure why it was the first emotion to consume him. Though, he wasn't in much of a position to begin asking questions about it on the spot. It wasn't like he could form many conclusive thoughts in the moment. The only thing that Jay knew with absolute certainty was that in the whole of his career, he had never pulled a trigger so quickly. There was no hesitation. He hadn't thought twice about the shot.
He was more angry at himself. If he had only been a few minutes earlier none of it would have happened. He couldn't help but let that thought repeat over and over again in his head.
Jay watched as the other man in the room dropped to the ground. The seconds seemed to drag by at an agonising pace. The heavy slump of the body echoed around them both. The knife that had been held so tightly in his hand, that had been held so tightly against the brunette's body, bounced off of the bed and onto the floor next to him. The clatter brought Jay back to reality and time forced his attention away from the small details. It was never a room that he wanted to be in.
He paused again. His eyes drifted slowly across the mattress that lay a few feet in front of him. They moved inch by inch until they finally settled onto the half naked body of the brunette. They moved from her feet, following the lines of her shins until they fell onto her knees. Her legs were tucked tightly up to her chest. Jay looked to her face but nothing was there to greet him. Her own gaze was glued firmly to the dead man and the dark maroon that was spreading across his face - never meeting her partner's.
There were small dark splotches splattered on the sheets around her. The bloody marks merged with the blue flowered patterns. There were some on the brunette too. Like shrapnel spread from a blast. On her arms. On her chest. On her face like violent red freckles. It was only then that the deathly silence that had filled the room since he had fired his weapon, met Jay's ears at last. He forced himself to swallow the growing, painful lump that had been forming in his throat. It didn't matter that it was his partner on the bed. It didn't matter that it was his girlfriend. He couldn't help but feel like he was seeing too much. Like he was seeing far more of her than he should have.
"Er..." His voice was shaky. He wanted to kick himself. He wanted to rip out his vocal cords for abandoning him in the moment that he needed them most. Her name came out as less than a whisper, crackling in the air as though he hadn't spoken a word in days. He had meant for it to be strong. He had begged for it to be reassuring, but what came out was barely a shadow of what he had intended for it to be. Jay wanted to say so much more to her. Not that there was much that he could say at all that would make things better. He knew that. He just couldn't help it. The words were getting caught up in the back of his throat and his tongue was tied in just as many knots as his stomach was nevertheless. He pulled his phone out from his back pocket. "I'm gonna need an ambulance."
Erin didn't say anything. Her lips were tight. It wasn't as though he had expected for her to make a single sound, but he had hoped that she might have acknowledged his presence. He would have settled for the slightest of glances. Her eyes were as lifeless at Ty's were. Jay wondered if she could even hear him. She hadn't even flinched slightly when the sound of the gunshot reverberated throughout the room. If she could hear anything then she was just ignoring it.
His gun was still in the same position as it was when he burst into the room. He hadn't even realised that he hadn't lowered it. It was still at eye level as though he were waiting for another threat to pounce out at them from underneath the bed. It wasn't the way that things were supposed to go down. It was never the way that things were supposed to go down.
Jay exhaled deeply. His lungs emptied themselves in a matter of seconds. He hadn't realised that he had been holding in his breath for so long either. He had to remind himself to take another one. He was scared to make another sound. Even though he had spoken to her, or at least tried, he couldn't help but worry that the tiniest of sounds could have spooked the brunette. It was stupid, but he didn't know what else he was supposed to think. He just knew that he had to do something.
There was movement on the other side of the window. He could hear the commotion from where he was standing. Patrol cars coming from all directions. It was protocol. When the team had realised what had been going on, they had rushed to the scene knowing what they might find. Jay couldn't help but feel jealous of them now though. They were oblivious. He knew that it wouldn't take long for someone to come looking for them though. Especially after he had shot Ty. But the last thing that Jay wanted was for anyone to walk in and see Erin in the state that she had been left in. She hadn't uttered a word to him about any of it, and he knew she wouldn't even if he asked her, but he knew that she wouldn't want it either. He couldn't let that happen to her.
There was a little blood on her shirt too. It was by his feet at the bottom of the bed. He hadn't noticed the mess at first when he had stopped. It was only when he started to look around that he realised what he was standing in the middle of. He had been to consumed by Erin to care about anything else that was around him. He noticed it now though. Every single detail screamed at him. The only thing that was covering her and stopping her from being completely exposed was her underwear. It made Jay feel sick. His eyes darted around the room swiftly in search of the rest of her clothing, trying to find where it had been discarded.
The last remaining shreds of what used to be her t-shirt were crumpled up next to her thigh. It was plain and black and entirely Erin. It made his chest ache. It was clear that there was no salvaging it. Not that she would want it now. Jay could only assume that its condition was a consequence of Ty's knife. Her jeans were in a heap at the other side of the bed, closest to the door. Jay didn't want to think about how they had been taken off. Forced off. He didn't want to think about the way things had been torn and tugged at.
He didn't want to think about the fact that Erin had gone through any of it.
Without thinking his hands moved up towards his own shoulder blades. He winced slightly at the sound of the velcro on his vest being pulled apart. He swayed between ripping it straight off or pulling the sides apart but just like when he had said her name, Erin didn't acknowledge the noise at all. He lifted the vest over his head and threw it onto the chair that was behind him. It always felt like a relief to take it off after a hard case but he felt nothing this time around. Maybe it was because Erin was always the one to help him take it off.
There was a pink knitted shawl draped over the top rail of the chair. He could have laughed. Between it and the blue flowers on the bed covers, the room was littered with far too much innocence for something so terrible to have happened in it.
It made the bile rise from his stomach. He gagged.
Jay glanced upwards, trying to focus on something else for a moment and push the thoughts that entered his mind away before he puked all over the floor. There was a device on top of the chest of drawers. He had seen one like it before. He hadn't noticed it before though.
Nitrous oxide. The cause of all of this.
He turned again and started to unzip his hoodie. Erin was his priority now. She was the only thing that he was worried about.
Jay took a few short steps closer to where the brunette was lying and reached an arm out towards her, material in hand. "You don't have to say anything. Or move. I'm just going to put this over you so that...so that if anyone comes up here you'll be covered up."
He frowned at his own choice of words, eyebrows furrowing down intensely. He wasn't sure what else he was supposed to have said to her but what came out didn't sound like his voice at all.
The nearer that he became to Erin the more Jay began to notice the dark bruises that had already started to form on her body. There was a light circle lining her right eye socket and a cut on her lower lip. Just like before, he couldn't help but grimace slightly at the thought of how they got there in the first place. There were marks on her neck, the outlines of fingers screaming out, and harsh red marks surrounding them at every angle. He had to force himself to keep looking at her. He had to force his stomach to stay under control. The paleness of her skin made them stand out all the more. He didn't want to look at her arms either. Even in his peripheral vision he could tell that there was more discolouration that anything else.
Erin remained silent as he draped the hoodie over her torso. The material reached just below the tops of her legs. Usually it was one of her favourite things to wear. Not this one specifically. She figured early into their relationship, much to Jay's dismay, that his clothes turned out to be more comfortable in her own when the lukewarm Chicago days turned into painfully cold nights. When they were away from the prying eyes of their friends, Jay was more than used to her asking for something of his. He had started to offer it even before the words could leave her mouth. Most of the time she took whatever it was without asking. He didn't mind though. He never minded. There was something soothing about it normally but in that moment the fabric was the last thing that Erin wanted to be touching her.
She flinched before he could even let go of it, her breathing quickening second by second. Jay could hear it too. What was the gentle rise and fall of her chest had transformed into an uneven rhythm of shuddering inhales and exhales, rattling through her body for a few moments until her eyes finally flickered up to meet Jay's own.
"Can you..." She sounded as though she was scared of her own voice. Like she didn't recognise the sounds that were coming from her mouth. Just like Jay had been. He wasn't sure what he was supposed to do. He knew what he wanted to do. Was he supposed to stay where he was? Was he supposed to come closer? Would she let him wrap his arms around her like his heart ached for him to do? It was uncharted territory for them both. The brunette took a long, deep breath in, running her tongue over her lip and frowning as she tasted blood. She spoke in the strongest tone that she could muster. "Can you untie me?"
He nodded immediately. It was almost frantic. Like he thought she was going to change her mind at any moment and crumble into another catatonic state. "Of course." He could have kicked himself for not making a move to do it sooner. He should have realised how uncomfortable it must have been for her. He hadn't even noticed the awkward positioning of her arms. Though judging by the way she had reacted to the hoodie, Jay wasn't entirely sure whether or not Erin would have let him close enough to loosen them.
The ropes that were around her wrists were knotted tightly. Her hands were raw. It made his stomach turn. He knew that every second of him not being there was just another second that Erin had to suffer through it all. Red lines stood out against the white skin. He couldn't believe how unfazed she was. Even when his fingers brushed against the fresh wounds accidently, she had barely noticed it at all. Or at least she had acted like she didn't notice it at all. As soon as they were free she rubbed them lightly, holding them close to her chest. Jay couldn't help but notice how quickly she had moved them away from his but he knew that he was just overthinking it.
He nodded slightly at no one in particular. He wasn't sure whether or not it was to Erin, or just a silent way of reassuring himself in the moment. The brunette looked away from him completely as soon as the words had left his lips. He knew that it wasn't his fault. It wasn't something that he was doing to make her uncomfortable, but the cogs were turning in his head faster than ever trying to figure out everything that was going on around him. He wasn't sure whether or not he should have tried to move her straight away, scooped her up and rushed her down to an ambulance, or whether this was the best thing to be doing.
He sat down on the bed. His back was against hers.
After a few long seconds, he raised one of his hands up steadily - concentrating entirely on not letting it shake. He placed it on top of her shoulder, away from the cuts and the bruises that were scattered all over her. Jay more than expected for her to push him away completely, or further back into the pillows that were underneath her, but the only movement that she made was to lean into his touch ever so slightly. Erin rested her cheek against the back of his hand, allowing her eyelids to droop down for a moment. It was entirely unexpected. Jay couldn't help but let out a small sigh of relief.
It didn't take long for the peace and calmness that had settled around them both to shatter. It was gone before Jay could think about getting used to it. Though he knew that nothing was going to be okay anymore. Erin's eyes darted open as quickly as they had closed. Her body followed suit. She sat up beside him, forcing his hand away all of a sudden, and her gaze drifted away from him. The hoodie fell onto her lap. "I don't want to be here anymore." Her voice was ten times more certain than it had been when she had first spoken but it gave Jay very little reassurance at all. He wanted to be comforted but all that he could think about was how unsettling it was given what had just happened.
"Okay." He was confused but he nodded again. He wasn't going to start disagreeing with her. "Can you stand?"
The brunette started to move again, ignoring his question and sliding close to him. She dangled her bare legs over the edge of the sheets. She winced with every inch that she shifted but she never stopped. Jay was almost grateful that she was hurting. It meant that she wasn't completely oblivious to it all. It was the first time that she looked how she looked. A large part of his mind was screaming at him and telling him that he shouldn't have been letting her move at all.
Erin reached down for her jeans but groaned loudly before her fingers could even reach her shins. She clutched her side, fingers digging into her own skin hard. Jay frowned. "I have to put my clothes back on."
"I think you should just leave them off right now," he replied, his voice soft. He was trying to go through all the possibilities in his head of what he was supposed to do. He knew that they were going to have to go to the hospital. Erin would protest but it had to be sooner rather than later. Jay figured that it would just be easier to leave the pants off rather than go through the pain of putting them on, and off, and on again.
Erin furrowed her brows, turning to look back at him again. He couldn't tell what was going on behind her eyes. "Why would I do that?"
Jay stuttered. He had seen it coming but he still was surprised somehow. "I just mean...If it hurts to put them on then it will hurt to take them off. You have to get checked out anyway. Maybe it'll just make things a little easier if you leave them off right now."
He had tried to be gentle with his tone, but he realised after that maybe he shouldn't have been. It wasn't as though his reasoning was going to work. It never did with her, and it wasn't going to start now.
"I'm not going to get checked out Jay. I'm fine," she said without hesitation. The brunette forced herself to reach down again and pick up the black denim fabric, sliding each leg carefully over her ankles. She pushed herself off of the bed completely, swaying slightly as she stood upright. Jay darted up immediately. He was always ready to catch her if she fell but she balanced herself quickly. He looked to her expectantly, searching her eyes for any hint of the truth. She opened her mouth to speak but what came out wasn't what he wanted to hear. "I need you to help me. I can't pull them up by myself. It...It hurts too much."
"Erin..."
"Can you just help me."
He didn't move.
"No," he shook his head. "We have to get you to Med."
"It's just a few cuts and scrapes."
"It's not just a few cuts and scrapes, Erin." His heart was thumping against his chest. "Look at you."
"Fine, I'll do it myself," she muttered, sitting back down on the bed.
He paused, the realisation suddenly dawning on him. "Do you even know what happened?"
"Please Jay," her voice came out as more than a whisper.
"Did he do what I think he did?"
"Stop," Erin cried. "Just stop, Jay."
Her jeans fell to the ground. Her head fell to her hands. It was all the confirmation that he needed.
He picked his hoodie up, wrapping it around her shoulders carefully. "It's going to be okay." He placed one hand behind her back and the other underneath her legs. As soon as he lifted her up, Erin dug her face deep into his chest. "It's okay. I've got you." Jay was certain that she would be able to feel how hard his heart was beating. She tensed up immediately as his feet made contact with the stairs. He tried to be as gentle as possible with each small movement that he made, unconsciously pulling her in tighter towards him. "It's going to be okay."
Jay wasn't sure who he was repeating it for.
He winced almost as much as Erin did as the cold air of the outside hit them both. He was considerably more covered up that she was but even he could feel it. Jay wished that he would have had something else to put on her back in the room. Her legs were bare and the hoodie was thin. Jay kept his eyes glued firmly to the ground that was in front of him, not wanting to look up and see the cops that would most definitely be looking back at him. The sooner that they got to the ambulance, the sooner Erin would be safe. Her face was still tucked tightly into his chest. He could feel her warm breath against him. Her eyes were screwed shut tightly. She didn't want to see anyone either.
"Erin!" A voice called from the other side of the road. It was the first voice that Jay had expected to hear. It drew closer and closer to them with each slow second that passed them by. Jay could see the flashing lights of the ambulance out of his peripheral vision. That was his goal. He just wanted to get there as soon as possible. He couldn't stop. "What the hell happened, Halstead?"
"I..." He couldn't even speak. He didn't know what he could even say.
"Is she hurt?" Voight said.
Jay looked up to him. He wanted to tell the older man what a stupid fucking question it was, but he knew that he was just as worried as he was. Voight was staring through him intensely. Jay could tell that he was trying to hold it all together but the worry was still plain to see.
The younger cop nodded. He could see the rest of the team. The were looking at him with the same worry as Voight was. He had to look away from them. He could feel the tears forming in his own eyes. "It's going to be okay." He knew that Erin could still hear them. He didn't want to say the truth out loud. For her sake.
Voight followed closely behind Jay as he stepped up into the ambulance. He didn't know what he was supposed to say. What he was supposed to do. He was as lost as Jay was. "I'll go with her."
Jay placed her down carefully onto the gurney, hesitating slightly before he moved away from her and let the paramedics check her out.
"No," Erin said suddenly, before he could step back onto the street. Her voice was small but everyone could hear it. It caught them off guard. "I want Jay."
The art of starting another story when you already have a handful that you struggle to update regularly. This was incredibly difficult to write but it was an idea that had been floating around in my head ever since I watch the 'Knocked The Family Right Out' episode. It's a sorta what if. What if they hadn't realised sooner. What if Ty would have kept going. It took me forever to figure out how to write this and I'm still not sure if I like it at all, but here it is regardless.
Let me know if you want me to continue this. I have a lot of ideas for how it could go. I know the content is a little sensitive and uncomfortable, but I don't plan on going into too much detail.
As always, thanks for reading.