She left the jelly cup on his gurney, along with his cooling body, and started wandering around the hospital halls. Somehow she ended up on a supply closet, why was she there? She was looking for something, but this feeling inside told her she was not going to find it there…
She aimed to grab a package that was in front of her, not really knowing what it was, but just as her fingers touched the material she started sobbing quietly and sat on la little stool behind a rack. She was not sad or angry, these were not that kind of tears, she was just…longing. Abe had given her hope, hope for a new opportunity, a new start and while she talked to him she felt she too, someday, would be happy again, would not be the person who screwed up on her marriage, who cheated on the greatest, most intense love she ever knew and felt.
And so, she sat there longing for that opportunity, wondering if she would have to wait until she was 85 to feel at least half as happy again, to feel that whole. Suddenly a new thought came to her mind, it wasn't really new though, she often found herself thinking (even if she repeated to herself that she wasn't allowed to) about her, the greatest love she ever knew. Callie.
This time, the brunette popped up in her mind for different reason than before: She has someone now. Has she found it? The new opportunity? Was this 'Penny' woman the Gabby to her Abe? Did she really mean it when she said the other day that she had never felt this way before? She wanted Callie to be happy, she really did. She wanted her to be successful, achieved, complete, madly in love and everything else someone could need to feel just happy.
Madly in love with me.
No, that was not possible. That was not going to happen, not now, not ever. Their chance came and because something as stupid as a leg (yeah, after all this time she realized that the whole thing about her leg was so stupid) it was over. She knew it wasn't really the leg that had sent everything to hell, but it had been what it triggered a bomb that wasn't meant to explode. They had issues, they had things that could make them both better spouses, but they could have worked through them just fine and still be completely happy as they were, the relationship goals they were, the perfect family along with their beautiful daughter that could work through anything and everything. But, the stupid leg had made them not able to do those things anymore, and well, the rest was you a spiral that plummeted to the ground and left them too far away from each other. Too broken to help each other mend.
The truth was, even if she tried not to think about it, she was still madly in love with her, with Callie. She was it, the Gabby to her Abe, the woman with whom she wanted to spend the rest of her days, the woman she wanted to make happy, to comfort when she was sad, to take care of when she was sick, to cuddle with on a rainy day and dance with to a fun song just because they felt like it. She missed her deeply, every hour of every day, she missed the loving look in the brown eyes she loved so much, the warmth in her soft hands. Sometimes, when she concentrated on it, with her eyes closed, she could almost feel those miraculous hands cupping her face. It's like she's here with me.
"Arizona"
Oh, that voice. That angelical voice, she could hear it in her mind too. It was a little distant, but it was there, saying her name, and it was so comforting.
"Arizona?"
Weird. This time she heard it very clear and close to her. The feeling of warm hands also felt very real. But it felt too good, she didn't want to open her eyes.
"Arizona, what's wrong? Please look at me". That voice.
"Callie?" She slowly said, still with her eyes closed.
"Yes, it's me. Please look at me" She said in the softest way possible, as if trying not to startle the upset woman in front of her.
Arizona opened her eyes, trying to focus on the beautiful face in front of her. And there she was, looking at her with so much care and concern in her eyes, and something else. Love? No, that's not possible.
"What happened, Arizona? Why are you crying?"
"It's nothing, reall-"
"No, don't do that, don't tell me it's nothing. What's wrong? You're crying, it kills me to see you cry, you know that"
"It's just – she took a deep breath to try and make the tears stop – I don't even know why I'm crying – lie –, he wasn't even my patient, he wasn't even a baby, he was 90!"
"Who was 90?"
"Abe" Okay, now Callie was confused. "He was… in love. He met the love of his life when he was 85, and he was gonna propose to her, but he died"
"Oh… I'm sorry" Callie said, truly moved by the upset in Arizona's voice
"I felt like I could talk to him forever, he made me feel like… you know, I never really believed that I'd find love again. Not anything real, or true. I thought that I had it, and I screwed it up and that was over. Then, he was madly in love at 85! And that is proof that there's more love out there" She said with half a smile, half a sob.
Callie just looked at her, a small smile appearing on her own lips when she saw the blonde smile even if it was half sobbing. She always did that to her. And then Arizona looked at her with those deep blues, now a little puffy and watery from the tears she was shedding.
"And you might have found yours, and I could find mine, even if it is in 60 years! Although not really because I did find mine, it was you, it's always been you, and I'm completely positive that no one, and I mean no one, is ever going to be anything close to you, because I have never loved anyone the way I love you and-"
"What?"
Oh crap.
"What did you just say?" Crap, crap, crap, crap
"I, I…" She was at a loss of words. Both were, really, as they sat there, eyes wide open staring at each other.
"Arizona, what did you just say?" Callie wanted, no, needed to make sure she heard the blonde right.
"I just..." And as she looked deep into the brown orbs in front of her, she thought that she might as well say everything now, because she would never stop feeling all those things "I said that I would never love anyone the way I love you, Calliope. And I know I have no right to say it, to feel that way because I did screw up on what we had, but there's no point on denying it because I'm never going to stop, I don't want to stop. I don't to love anyone else, I don't want to spend my days making another person happy, I only want it with you but-"
"But what?"
Arizona sighed, this time her eyes a mix of pure love and sadness "But none of that matters because what I really want is for you to be happy, and as much as I wanted to, you weren't happy with me. I caused you pain, I made your life a living hell and you deserve so much more than that, Callie. You are the single most amazing person I've ever met, and after everything that happened between us I just wanted to try and make things right, to make you fall in love with me again, to mend the mess I made because making you happy is everything I need to feel alive. It wouldn't matter if I got fired, if lost the rest of my limbs, I had to live in a box, or if I had to, I don't know, eat sandwiches the rest of my life. I wouldn't matter because I would have you and you would be happy with me"
Callie was now crying too. The love that was pouring out of Arizona's mouth was too much for her to handle, too much to contain without some sort of outing, so she cried.
"So, I hope Penny is making you happy now, as happy as you deserve. As much as it kills me, I want her to make you happy, to give you everything you need and I was too late to try and give you. And who knows? Maybe someday I will have someone to love, even if it's not even near to the love I have for you." Arizona finished, with a defeated sigh.
"I hope you don't"
What? "What?"
"I hope you never find anyone else to love because I don't think anyone will help me hide the body and I'm too pretty to go to jail, Arizona"
"Wait, what?" Now it was Arizona's turn to be confused.
Next thing she knew, there was a soft pair of lips pressed against hers, in the most delicate way possible, it was barely there, but, but, but, it was.
"Calliope" was all that Arizona could muster, given the current state of utter shock she was in
"God, I've missed the way you say my name" Callie said, just taking in the feeling of the moment, while she pressed her forehead against Arizona's.
She pulled away to look into the blue eyes of the woman she loved more than anyone else. "She's not the Gabby to my Abe"
"What?" I need to find another word to answer her.
"Penny. I mean, she's great and sweet and pretty. But she's not…"
"She's not what?" Please say it.
"She's not you" No one's ever gonna be you.
"Calliope what are you saying?" Please, please, please.
"I'm saying that I don't want you to find someone when you're 85, I don't want you to make someone else happy, I don't want you to care for someone else because I want you to be happy with me, because I had never been truly happy before you and have never been happy after you. Everything you just said, I want it for you, with you, too. And yeah, you screwed up, but I did too because I never gave you, us, a chance. I felt so broken and so hurt that I thought that by leaving you I was going to feel better. And I did, but I wasn't happy, I wasn't complete. You were missing from my life and, while I was not miserable, I was not happy. I can't be truly happy without you"
"But that day, in therapy, you said that you felt trapped. There's no way you can be happy with someone that makes you feel trapped, Callie"
"I felt trapped because I was only concentrating on trying to fix us and I couldn't see that it takes two to fix a marriage. You were trying too, with the therapist and everything, but I was just so bottled in my own ways that I couldn't accept any help, not even yours. So yeah, I was trapped in my own stubbornness and frustration, but it was only because I wasn't letting you in. And I thought that by walking away I was going to feel better and 'free'. But I didn't, not really. I didn't feel trapped anymore because I wasn't fighting for anything, but not happy, never happy"
"I… I don't… I don't know what to say…"
"Say that you love me again, please"
"I love you, so much"
"I love you too. I want to be happy with you, I want you to be happy with me. I never said anything because I was the one who walked away, I was the one who shut that door. But God, Arizona, if there were a way that we could try again I would-"
She didn't have time to finish because Arizona was immediately on her, arms around her neck, kissing her with all the love she had been saving all this time they spent apart, kissing her like she felt that if she stopped, she wouldn't have another chance to do it. It was only when she felt her lungs burning due to the lack of air that she pulled away, but didn't open her eyes, too afraid that, if she did, it could break the surreal moment they were in.
"Please, please, Calliope, tell me that this is not a lie, tell me that you are really here, saying this things to me. Tell me that you do love me the way I love you, and that you want to give me another chance. Because even with the mess I am, I can swear to you right now, no one will ever love you the way I do"
"I don't love you the way you love me, Arizona. I love you more"
"Not possible" Arizona said with a small smile.
"Do you still want to be happy with me?"
"Only if you let me make you happy too, Calliope"
"You are the only one who can"