Hey there, here's a Prototype parode fic! I though that some homour wouldn't hurt... =) So here's something I wrote just for fun =)Disclaimer: Okay, so Alex Mercer, the scary tenticle monster that we all happen to know and love (xD) is trying to live a normal live...
Alex Mercer ran. And ran. And ran around. A lot. Not like he really wanted to exercise or something. If he could, he would certainly stop and fall nearly dead on the coach and watch TV. Football. Or news. Or porn. Or some crap like that.
But Alex Mercer had no choice but to run.
- Alex you freak stop now! - yellled his girlfriend at him, chasing Alex around the big dining table. It wasn't like Alex couldn't do something - he was something new now, had new abilities and etcetera.
But he was torally helpless against angry Karen Parker.
It was funny that he could lift a car in the air with his bare hands, run God only knows how many kilometers without stopping, kill people with his tentacles... But against Karen Parker he was just an ambitious young man, somewhat half-scared of his lover and half adoring her. He had all rights to be scared of her now. Karen was REALLY, REALLY angry with him, he could see it. The way she was yelling at him, and holding a frying pan in her weak hands that all of a sudden became stronger then all the towns police was scary. Indeed.
- Karen... Stop, please! I can explain! - Alex moaned miserably and had to duck quickly as the frying pan flew mere millimeters from his head. He thought about jumping through the window, but then... He'd had to deal with the insurance agency, and a doubly angered Karen. He didn't want that.
- Oh yeah!? You say you can explain!? How can you explain that you eat ALL the food in the fridge while I was at work!? Considering that there were really A LOT of food because I nearly bought the whole Shoppers so we could not go to groceries for months! How could you possibly eat EVERYTHING I bought us for nearly a month IN A DAY?
Alex sighted miserably, thinking how close Karen was to the lamp and how far could the lamp fly, and if it could reach him, how hard would it hit him. He sighted once again, thinking that the lamp wasn't so far away from Karen and definitely not so far away from himself.
- Come on, Karen, you know... It's all my tentacles! They want food! - Alex pointed at his back where the two tentacles suddenly appeared, reminding of black thick ropes. Karen glanced at the tentacles briefly, and they somewhat became smaller and Alex could swear they were shaking. Chickenhearts, mumbled Alex, probably not thinking that it was unlikely that tentacles even had hearts. He wasn't interested in the tentacles anatomy, really.
- That's it! I'm through with this! Alex, you have to find yourself a job.
- A job!? - Alex's expression was pure horror now. Karen nodded sternly and tossed him the phone and the newspaper.
- Yeah, a job. You were working, I assume, before you became a superhuman, right?.. - Alex mumbled something incoherently. He was working as a janitor, but he wasn't going to tell Karen about that, since she didn't know or simply forgot.
- Good. Now I'll go to the supermarket, but if you eat the only pack of doritos left, you're doomed. - With theese threatening words Karen left the apartment they were sharing, closing the door behind herself with a loud BANG. Uh-oh, Alex, you're in trouble.
[2 hours later]
- Hello, my name is Alex Mercer, I'm looking for a job. My speciality? A tenticle monster. What? Where-where should I go!? Oh... - Alex sighted and dialed the next number as the previous potential boss hang up.
- Hello? My name is Alex Mercer, I'm a tenticle monster and I'm looking for a job. Oh, you don't need tenticle monsters? Damn... - Alex's expression turned sad as possibly the hundrendth person that offers job hing up on him.
Finally, Alex decided to call to the most stupid place for a tenticle monster to work in.
A kindergarden.
- Hello? Oh, my name is Alex Mercer, I'm looking for the job... Yes, I'm the tenticle monster. Yes, that's me. - Alex said proudly. - You know me?.. Yeah, I'm the super star of a new game Prototype, you're right! I'm looking for a job, nobody wants a tenticle monster... What? You'll be happy if I worked for you!? Yes, I just love kids! - Okay, now Alex was lying. He hated kids with all his heart, but he thought about what was worse - Karen or the kids, and decided the first was the scariest. - Yes... Yes, When do I... Today? Now? Oh, great! I'll be there soon! Adress... Aha... Remembered it! Thank you! Bye! - with these last words Alex hung up and turned to face Karen, that was already back with two large bags.
- So?.. - she asked, anticipating his answer, her eyes narrowed, her hand trying to reach for the lamp already. Alex stopped her hand, smirking triumpantly.
- Karen, I found a job!
His girlfriends mouth opened in shock, her eyes searching his face to figure out if he was lying.
- Really? - she finally said in disbelief.
- Yeah! Guess where?
Karen didn't say anything. She couldn't even guess. She thought he'd be whining and moping around, saying that nobody wants a freak for any job, but she certainly didn't expect that he'll actually find himself a place to work.
- A kindergarden! Cool, huh?.. - said Alex proudly. - By the way, my working day starts in half an hour! See you in the evening!
When Alex exited their apartament, Karen dropped her heavy bags and yelled in the emptyness of the room:
- I need to see a psychiatrist! Immediately!..
[30 minutes later]
- Okay, kids, this is your new kindergartner - Alex! Say hello to Alex!
Our hero smiled forcely as the kids said all together:
- Hi!
- All right, now you behave yourselves and show Mr Alex here that you are indeed good kids, okay?
All the kids smiled and promised that they'll take good care of Alex. Our hero didn't like the looks of the kids. They looked way too innocent.
- Now I must go. - said the director. - Take care!
And with theese words the director left.
For two long seconds Alex stared at the kids and the kids stared at Alex. Then Mercer waved his hand in the air and smiled sheepishly once again.
- He-he... Um... So my name is Al...
Suddenly all the kids launched themselves at him and tackled him on the groung. Our poor protagonist fell, and his feeble attempts to stand up were rudely ignored, as one of the kids poked his little finger at him while standing on top of him bravely, his face ridiculously red with childish fury:
- Now you listen here, mister! First, we want to eat cookies, every day! Second - no after-dinner sleep! Third - no grossy pinnacles! And finally - you stay out of our sight while we play, got it!? Then we'll pretend that we're good kids and everything's totally chocolate, got it?
Alex frowned.
- I don't want some stupid...
The kid poked his two fingers in Alex's eyes, making him yelp in pain. The boy was raised by a karatist, no less, with such moves.
- If you won't do what we told you, you'll end up like the previous kindergartner! - said some sweet looking girl. Alex turned his head in her direction.
- And what happened to him?..
Several kids laughed as the girl said innocently:
- He was found unconsious on the floor, his skull cracked - he ACCIDENTALLY hit his head on the battery twenty times. That happened after he refused to read us Steven King's books instead of those creepy fairytales!
- And you happen to be a little bit... Erm... I mean a little witch here as I see. - Alex corrected himself quickly. The boy that was still standing on him smacked his forehead.
- You talk too much, kindergardner. Do as we told you, or you'll die! You know that the previous kindergardner is stil in hospital?
But Alex had another plans.
- Now you listen here, you brats! I'm a freaking tentacle monster! - threatened Alex. - My tenticles are power! They can...
The kid kicked his chin with his leg as hard as he could. Alex stared at him darkly, mouthing a "yauch". It wasn't as painful as the eye attack, but it stil was offensive.
- Use your tenticles against us and you'll never be able to see again! - threatened the kid.
- Maybe you can defeat one of us, but not the whole group.
Alex thoughtfully sighted, thinking that the boy was right. The whole group of angry, stupid kids with brain problems - that's a serious matter.
[20 minutes later]
- Nooooooooooooooooooooo! Don't touch Ebony and Ivory! My tenticles don't want to be raped THEY do the raping!
- Weeeeeeeee! - one of the bratty kids grasped one of his precious tenticles and was now swinging in the air, totally happy. The others were clearly jealous of their friend and tried to grasp Alex's other tenticle.
The kid that eye-attacked him stood up on the table and jumped at Alex, grabbing the remaining tenticle. Alex was swearing loudly, tears streaming down his eyes as he was crying for help, swaying his tenticles furiously in the air.
- Somebody, help me! Pleeeeeaaase! Heeeeelp! Get these damn kids off meeeeeee! Aaaaaah!
But nobody came.
- Free carousel, roooocks! - yelled the kid that attacked his half an hour ago. Alex cried and with the last powerful swing the kids fell to the floor, laughing and craving for more.
- No! No! I'm through with this job! My precious tenticles! You monsters! - he hissed as he ran in the direction of the exit.
- Friends! Agants are GO! Catch him! - yelled one of the bratty kids as they followed him with wild noises that the indians in theese creepy (xD) movies did. Alex yelled in horror and ran out of the building, and he ran, and ran, and ran until he hit the wall of his house with a BANG.
- Ow. - said Mercer and fell to the grouned, cursing.
When he finally got home, Karen met him with a huge smile on her face. Alex suspiciously looked at her but decided that she just was un a good mood... For some reason.
- How was your first day?.. - asked Karen, kissing him gently. Alex sighted and mumbled:
- Worst day ever. First I got tackled, then raped and my tenticles... My precious tenticles...
One of his "precious tenticles" furiously waved itself in the air as if to show how bad the day was today.
- Come on, it couldn't be so bad! They're only kids! - said Karen. Alex winced.
- Only kids!? Only monsters... If you compare me to them, I'm just an innocent civilian...
- ...That happens to have tenticles growing out of his back. - pointed Karen. - Oh, and Alex... I have to tell you something.
Alex opened a pack of doritos and inhaled the scent of his favorite potato chips. Mhmmm. His favorite.
As he took one og the chips and was about to eat it Karen said happily:
- I'm pregnant, Alex! And you are the father!
Several people that happened to walk by the Lindsay street, 23a could've sweared they heard the inhuman yell that came somewhere from the tenth floor. The yelp could be heard far away, that even the president of the United States heard it, as well as the Chineese and the Russian presidents. Well, and the whole world too. The cry was so inhuman and was so desperate, that everyone thought that it was the greatest anomaly ever, better even then the Bermud Triangle, and many professors analysed it later, as one of the Japaneese tourists happen to resord it on his never turning-off camera.
[Somewhere in the far-far-far-far galaxy that nobody still knows about and would know only in like 1000000000000000 years]
- .jzhdfg jhgk/zjdrhg?.. (What was that, a radiosignal from Doskraks?)
- jhrt jgkfjjtjrojt lkkljtol7mhk... uhrdkjhjhbirhtngj!!! (might as well be, we hadn't contacted them in two billion years... You think they'll be angry at us now for us not letting to trade cookies with us?)
- . //rjehgfrhtojehgkhtrughg. pp. (replay this audosignal. We've got to be sure. Now. )
- jklkjdfir! (Sir yes sir)
*replaying the signal*
*************************************************************************
- kjfhg, jhrhgld kjhfg vkdbg. (I think it was a cry)
- lirhg!? (What)
- jhfggorhbgongf. (A very far cry... From the unknown planer not yet detected. )
- kjhdrjhbkjhrdt. (detect the planet then)
- jkhrhg. (Yes sir.) - jkhdrh/lkrtg. (it's the planet called Earth)
- kjjhhh... (Hmm...)
-jhrhjkrhth?. (any other instructions?.)
- jhfhhkpurgfovbnmmmdihy... (They might have cookies might as well contact them...)
[Somewhere on Earth]
YOU'VE CREATE THE TIME PARADOX, ALEX! THE END.
O_O EPIC FALL