When Vivi got lost...

How can I ditch the kid? Thought Zidane. I'll never get to make out with Garnet at this rate.... I know!

'Hey, Vivi! Since we're at the Gold saucer, D'ya wanna go on the merry-go-round with the pink and blue chocobos?'

'Yeah!' yelled Vivi, 'I wanna ride the elfadunk!'

'O.K.' Zidane positioned Vivi on a fibreglass elfadunk, and gave the operator enough gil to keep the ride going for 2 hours. 'See ya later Kiddo!'

'Bye Zidane.' Said Vivi; totally unaware of the devious scheming that had just taken place.

The ride started and Vivi went round, and round, and round, and round, and round, and round, and round, and round, and round, and round, and round, and round, and round, and round.

'Yay! Elfadunk, Elfadunk, Elfadunk!' Vivi yelled with excitement.

Meanwhile, Zidane and Garnet were on the Gold Saucer round trip. I wonder how Vivi is doing. His two hours are nearly up, and Garnet hasn't even kissed me yet. Zidane thought.

'O.k. Kid, your time's up. Time to get off.'

'Awww' Vivi complained. Where could he go now? Vivi noticed a door marked 'Chocobo Square'

'Oooooo.' He walked to the door, put his ear to it and heard the chocobo theme playing.

He walked in and saw Kuja slumped over the counter, holding tickets for the Chocobo Races and a bottle of Mimmet Vodka.

'Please, just one more, I can win this time. Please, I need money, I need to buy a new dress!'

'Sorry. You need money to place a bet.'

Kuja looked around. Money. Where can I find some money? He saw Vivi. I wonder if...

'Do you accept robotic black Mages?' Kuja scooped up Vivi and plonked him down on the counter. 'I made him. He's so lifelike!'

Vivi re-adjusted his hat and pleaded: 'I'm not a robot, I'm a real boy!'

' See, Isn't he cute?' At this point, a middle-aged man and his son walked past.

'Ooh! A Vivi doll. Buy me one Daddy!'

' No Rufus. You're to old to play with toys.'

'Awww...' Rufus began to sulk. 'But I want one. Rude has a Chocobo doll...'

'You ARE NOT Rude!'

'Wanna bet, Fartmaster 2000?' Rufus removed his pants and did an almost strip tease on the betting counter.

' COME DOWN HERE NOW, MISTER! YOU ARE NOT GETTING ANY TOYS!'

Rufus bent down to remove his underpants.

'YOU WOULDN'T DARE, YOU #@$%&(&!' Yelled the president, turning purple.

Rufus dared.

The ticket seller giggled.

Kuja stared.

Ester fainted.

Vivi clapped.

President Shinra grabbed hold of his son's ear and pulled him off the counter, towards the exit, but stopped.

'We need something to cover you up...How about this?' The president grabbed Vivi.

'Yay!' Rufus squealed with delight.

Kuja sulked. 'Damn it.'

Vivi was relieved to be facing away from Rufus.

'Daddy?'

'WHAT?'

'I need to pee...'

'You'll have to hold it in till we get back to Midgar'

'I can't...' Rufus started to do the toilet dance. 'I need to go NOW. Real bad!'

Vivi screamed and started to kick when Rufus crossed his legs.

'Let me go! I don't want to be peed on!'

Rufus dropped Vivi in order to pee in a near-by pot plant. Vivi ran away at this point, and went through a tunnel marked 'Speed Square'

***

Still in Chocobo Square...

'Aah.... I feel better now...Oooooo that plant doesn't look too well...'

The plant wilted.

Kuja laughed.

Ester fainted again.

The Ticket seller called security.

The cleaner fetched a mop.

The other cleaner fetched a bin bag.

Rufus Giggled.

President Shinra made death threats.

***

'Hey kid, wanna go on the coaster?' asked a weird guy.

'Yeah!'

'And if ya get 3000 points you get a prize'

'Yeah'

So Vivi went on the roller coaster and earned enough points to get a Masamune blade. But as he stepped up to the counter to collect it...

'Wow 3000 points, I choose this prize!' Shera picked up Vivi thinking he was a plush toy and walked out of Speed Square.

***

Zidane and Garnet looked around Wonder Square,

'So where's Vivi, I can't believe you left him alone' said Garnet. 'He could be dead for all we know!'

'Well, if I brought him with us you would have called me a pervert'

'Mmmmmm, good point.... Where is he? Vivi's just a kid; he could be lost, stolen, dead, abducted...'

'Hey, you said I had a good a point'

'I don't care, no Vivi, no make out'

'What you want him to watch, that's gross Garnet'

'I don't want him to watch, its just I wont enjoy it if there's a chance Vivi might be hurt'

'But Garnet'

'NO VIVI, NO MAKE OUT!!!!!!' Everyone turned round and looked at Zidane and Garnet.

'...Err...it was those people behind us' Garnet lied.

Everyone in wonder square turned and looked at the people behind them, who happened to be Cloud and Vincent.

'Who's Vivi?' Said Vincent looking suspiciously at Cloud

'I don't know a Vivi, don't you trust me Vincent'

'People always say that when they lie to me'

'I'm not lying'

'They say that to. Alas it is not true love again, 'tis never true love' Vincent ran crying out of Wonder Square.

'That was weird' said Zidane.

***

'Hey Cid look what I got' Shera pushed Vivi in front of his face

' Get that Goddamn toy out of here, its blocking my T.V'

' So now it's you're TV, even though I paid for it'

'Shera why don't you do something useful for a change and make some Goddamn tea!'

Shera sulked and took Vivi in to the kitchen. Cid waited for her to make his goddamn tea, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, and waited, Finally he stormed in to the kitchen.

'Where in hell is my goddamn tea Shera!'

Shera ignored him, she was to busy making a little knitted jacket and hat for Vivi.

'Where in hell is my goddamn tea Shera!' Cid repeated in case she hadn't heard the first time. Shera continued knitting.

'Where in hell is...'

'I HEARD YOU THE FIRST TIME!'

'THEN WHERE'S MY...'

'MAYBE I DONT WANT TO MAKE YOU ANY TEA RIGHT NOW, MAYBE I WONT MAKE YOU ANY TEA EVER AGAIN! I AM NOT YOU TEA MAKING SLAVE'

'But sweetie Pie...'

'DONT SWEETIE PIE ME, FOR THAT YOU'RE NOT SLEEPING IN THE BEDROOM'

'But...'

'YOUR SLEEPING IN THE BACK YARD!'

'But...'

'PERMANENTLY!'

'But...'

'ON THE PART THAT'S ALL STONEY'

'But...'

'AND HAS BROKEN GLASS'

Cid went to sulk in his rocket before Shera made him sleep naked as well.

'I wonder if this will fit you now.' Shera fastened up the jacket, causing Vivi's circulation to be cut off, then jammed the to small hat over his head, making his ears hurt.

***

Zidane and Garnet arrived in Chocobo Square and looked around.

Rufus was still peeing

Kuja was still staring

President Shinra was still cursing

Ester was still unconscious

'So has anyone seen a black mage?' Zidane asked

'We have more important things to worry about than missing mages, the plant pot's starting to overflow and that I think that guy in the dress keeps giving me looks and my dad wont let me use the proper toilet or put clothes on'

'You mean Kuja?'

'No my dad'

'What, your dad's looking at your ass?'

'No, that guy'

'You mean Kuja' Zidane looked disgustedly at Kuja 'are you looking at that naked kid?'

Kuja opened his mouth and ate foot ' Yes...I mean no....I mean Damn it, can I start over?'

'No, do you try to think of new ways to sicken me every time you see me, or does it come naturally?'

Kuja was about to answer, when Rufus (still peeing) butted in ' why were you looking at my ass

Kuja yet again put his foot in it, 'I WASN'T LOOKING AT YOUR ASS, I WAS LOOKING AT YOUR.... Damn it'

'Maybe you should just stop talking, before some one arrests you' suggested Garnet

Irvine looked at the piece of paper in his hand, then looked at the building in front of him. The picture showed the galbadian presidential residence, the building was a crappy run down house.

'You sure this the right place Selphie, Laguna wouldn't have happened to give us the wrong map would he?'

'Don't be silly Irvine, sir Laguna wouldn't do a thing like that'

'What ever you say Selphie' he sighed.

In side the 'Crappy run down house' Shera had just finished knitting her 'Vivi doll' a blanket. Vivi had tried to protest, but Shera was under the illusion that his voice was a special edition feature of the new black mage doll range. Just then several SeeD's stormed the building, smashed windows, broke furniture and generally damaged property'

'I don't understand, sir Laguna said there was a Galbadian special secret weapon hidden in here, but nothing looks like the picture he gave us' Selphie looked down at scribbled crayon drawing, showing a vaguely triangle shape.

'Unless he meant that, the top parts kinda triangle' Irvine indicated Vivi.

'I bet he did' she grabbed Vivi 'lets go Irvine ' and with that the SeeDs left.

'...And I'm done................................................................................................now. There I'm done peeing, where's that Vivi doll?' said Rufus, as if nothing out of the ordinary had taken place

'...Where's my clothes, where's my Dad '

'If you mean the old geezer, he went home several hours ago muttering something about you dishonouring your family' Zidane answered 'and he took your clothes with him'

'Damn him. Really, is it my fault if lemonade Quadruples in volume when I drink it, And I happened to be very thirsty and drank two gallons of the stuff before I came out?'

'Well...'

'I'll well you, monkey boy! Where's my Vivi doll?'

'Actually' Garnet said in a matter-of-fact way, 'He is not a doll, he is not yours and... Why are you naked?'

'Don't ask. You know nothing!'

'Poor Plant...' Said Zidane as he and Garnet left Chocobo square.

***

'That is not a top-secret weapon, Irvine. It's a stuffed mage doll.' grumbled Laguna. 'For Hyne's sake, can't you tell the difference between a toy and a top secret, highly explosive nuclear bomb? Why are you guys Seeds anyway? What am I going to do with a toy anyway?'

'You could give it to Cid for his birthday...'

'What a Genius idea, Selphie!'

'Thank you Sir Laguna.'

' Take it for me, will you?' asked Laguna.

***

'So, Reno where the hell is this car supposed to be going?' asked Elena

'Balamb'

'Why?'

'Cause some one took a doll Rufus wanted, and it was stole from them by SeeD's from Balamb'

'So why does Rufus want the doll?'

'Dunno, but it's probably something psychological cause he was unloved as a child'

'So why's he naked?'

'He took his clothes off to get back at his father'

'So why's he still naked?'

' No one would lend him clothes'

'Whys that girl with us?'

'She seems to want to find the Vivi thingy also'

'So whys the monkey-boy with us'

'She refused to make out with him until he helped her find Vivi'

'So why's that guy in a dress with us'

'He thinks the V.P's sexy'

'So why's he trying to feel Rude's ass?'

'HE'S TRYING TO DO WHAT!'

' Feel Rude's ass'

'But Rude's driving, if he gets distracted we'll.... ARGHHHHHHHHHHHH' the car swerved of the road and crashed into a tree.

*****

Cid looked down at the 'Vivi doll' Laguna had given him as a birthday present. It was the worst birthday ever, Edea had left him, only one person sent him a present and he was going insane, he kept imaging the doll was alive and saying 'I'm not a doll, let me go'.

He tossed the doll to one side, what the hell was Laguna thinking, a doll wasn't a present for a grown man, it was for a woman...

Twenty minutes later Cid was outside Edea's house clutching Vivi and a box of chocolates,

'Edea, Edea ' he called throwing rocks at her bedroom window to get attention.

'What do you want Cid' said Edea walking on to the balcony, in only a bathrobe.

'Edea, my true love, please take me back' he waved Vivi and the chocolates at her

'Well...' she considered

'Hey Edea who ya talking to?' some one called from inside her bedroom

'Don't worry Seifer, its just my husband'

'WHAT' exclaimed Cid 'YOU HAVE SEIFER IN YOUR BEDROOM, THAT'S LOW EDEA'

' Who's that Edea?' said another male voice.

'Don't worry, its Just my husband, Squall.'

'WHAT! SQUALL'S THERE TOO? YOU'RE SICK!'

'Hey, who's that, Squall?'

'It's just Cid, dad.'

'LAGUNA AS WELL? THAT IS JUST TOO MUCH...'

'Why's he here?' said Seifer.

'DON'T...KNOW...'

'Eaw...' Cid shuddered.

'Maybe he was invited, ya know?'

'RAJIN, FUJIN? YOU ARE GETTING DETENTION TOMORROW...AND SQUALL.... SEIFER'

'Don't forget Zell...'

'QUISTIS?'

'I'M JUST PICKING UP ZELL, CID, HIS CURFEW IS 8.30.' Quistis replied.

'Thank Hyne. WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON EDEA?'

'I'm having a party in your honour. LAGUNA PUT SOME PANTS ON!'

'PANTS?'

'See, here's your cake' Edea pushed a large cake off the balcony, onto Cid's face.

'YOU HAVE NAKED MEN IN YOUR BEDROOM?'

'Naked man. Laguna can't find his pants.'

'WHY THE HELL DID HE TAKE THEM OFF?'

'We went swimming.' Edea replied.

'LAGUNA, I DON'T CARE IF YOUR THE PRESIDENT, PUT SOME PANTS ON AND GET DOWN HERE NOW. I'M THE ONLY MAN ALLOWED TO WALK AROUND NAKED IN EDEA'S ROOM'

'When was the last time you did that Cid? I remember it was three years ago when you got my room confused with the shower' laughter was heard from within the bedroom.

'LAGUNA GET OUT HERE, I WANT TO SMASH YOUR FACE IN' Cid screamed

'Maybe I won't' replied the President

'GET DOWN HERE YOU JERK, IT'S A MATTER OF HONOUR, MINE AND SQUALLS'

'Squalls?' Laguna sounded puzzled

'YES, YOU REMEMBER YOUR SON, OR ARE YOU LOSING YOUR MEMORY IN YOUR OLD AGE. YOU DON'T WANT HIM TO THINK YOU'RE A LOSER CAUSE YOU WONT FIGHT ME'

'He already thinks I'm a loser, I am a loser' everyone gasped ' It's true, I jumped off a cliff thinking it wouldn't hurt. I was invited to a beautiful woman's room to talk and drink coffee and I actually talked and drank coffee. I haven't seen a naked woman since before Raine died and I CAN'T FIND MY PANTS'

'LOOK LAGUNA GET DOWN HERE NOW SO I CAN KICK THE CRAP OUTTA YOU'

****

When it looked like it couldn't get any worse it did, as Rufus and Co arrived as the fight between Laguna and Cid was beginning.

'What the hell's going on? And why has that aged moron got my Vivi doll?

'Sir, can't we just buy you a new doll?' suggested Rude.

'Hell no! That one's special! It got me in naked trouble. And besides, you've got a stuffed chocobo!'

'Very well. TURKS ATTACK!'

'YOU'RE NOT GETTING EDEA'S VIVI!' Yelled Cid, clutching Vivi.

'Actually, he's...' Garnet started.

'SHUT UP!'

Vivi yelled, 'help', but no one heard.

'SeeDs!' commanded Cid, 'Don't let that bozo get Edea's doll!'

The SeeDs ran out of Edea's house, fully clothed, and started fighting the Turks. However, even though there were more SeeDs, the Turks seemed to be winning.

'We gotta save Vivi, Zidane!' Screamed Garnet. 'He'll be crushed'

Zidane dived into the large dust cloud, and started searching for Vivi. He eventually dragged someone out.

'Zidane,'

'What?'

'that is NOT Vivi!'

'Huh?'

'Vivi is a short boy in a tall hat. That is a tall girl in a short dress.'

'Selphie?'

'hello!' Selphie waved.

Zidane dived back in. He dragged out someone else.

'Vivi?' Zidane asked.

'That's Squall.'

And again...

'that's Laguna.'

And again...

'...Quistis...'

And again...

'...Fujin...'

And again...

'Raijin...'

And again...

'Seifer...'

And again...

'Edea...'

And again...

'...Zell...'

And again...

'...Cid...'

Eventually, Vivi was thrown out of the dust cloud, but no one knew who by.

'You guys,' Vivi asked. 'If you're all out here, who are the Turks fighting?'

The dust cloud began to settle.

Rufus was strangling Reno.

Reno was chewing Rude's leg.

Rude was scratching Elena.

Elena was kicking Rufus.

'Do you guys get the feeling something's not quite right here?' asked Elena

'No' said Reno, before continuing to chew Rude's leg.

'Hey, get off my leg Reno. You're making it all soggy'

'Stop scratching my eyes Rude, there starting to bleed'

'Stop kicking me in the crotch Elena'

'Sorry Rufus...Wait a minute where the hell did you get those pants from?'

' Give me my pants back, NOW!' Yelled Laguna, so that cleared up the mystery of the missing pants.

***

Elena and Reno dragged a battered and bruised Rufus back to the car.

'That Edea sure throws strange parties' said Elena as she strapped a sleeping Rufus in to the back seat. He was tired out after his busy and very weird day.

'Yeah, but she was nice. After we apologised she gave us all party bags, I got a paper hat and some cake in mine' replied Reno.

Reno started the car

'Hey Reno, we can't go .Rude isn't back yet, and where's that Kuja guy anyway? We really should wait...'

'...I don't think he'll care if we wait or not. The last time I saw him, he said that he and Kuja were going upstairs to look at Edea's new four poster bed, and that was over an hour ago...'

There was silence as Elena contemplated what Reno had said, ' I bet there having a pillow fight' she stated 'And they didn't tell us. That's not fair, I wanna join in the pillow fight'

' Trust me Elena, you don't'

'Why?'

'What if I told you Kuja is Gay ?'

'Does Rude Know he's having a pillow fight with a gay man?'

'Never mind....'

***

'Great! Now we have to walk home.' Complained Zidane . 'And I have to carry Vivi!'

'Actually...'

'What?'

'I don't have a clue. I've been saying that all day...Wait... Actually, Vivi's asleep.'

'Oooooo' said Zidane.

'What do you mean Oooooo?'

'an unoccupied barn. We never did get to make out...'

'And since Vivi's asleep...'

'He won't see....'

'So it won't be perverse....'

' We won't set a bad Example for him...'

'Let's go than, Princess!'

With that, Zidane and garnet skipped off to the barn.

THE END

Wait a minute, What happened to Edea's guests?

Squall threw up after eating too many sweets.

So did Laguna.

Zell got hot-dog poisoning.

Selphie got drunk.

Quistis (I know she wasn't a guest) is now going out with Cid.

Seifer went home with Selphie.

Raijin is now in a wheel chair after being Kicked several too many times.

Fujin also got drunk.

Edea set fire to the house.

REALLY THE END

Wait...There's more.... I don't own Squaresoft; Therefore, I do not own any of these characters.