Gone
You were gone. One shot was all it took. One shot that you put through yourself. I almost couldn't believe it. You left so many "whys" behind in your wake.
Why did you do it?
What made you?
Why did you leave us, leave me, behind?
You were so happy. So loved.
You talked to people that day. You saw people that day.
There was no reason. Never was.
But you were gone.
I heard the news. And my first thought was how damn stupid I had been for not seeing you for a while. And then it didn't feel real. Not any of it. It felt like you were still around, still playing one of your stupid games in a corner, still being you. It was surreal.
But, people around me began to show it. Near was quieter, if that's even possible. He didn't try to contact me for days.
Your face came flooding back into my mind. I saw your flaming hair and your smiling face and your stupid orange goggles pulled over your eyes. It hit me then that I would never see your face again. A strange feeling settled in the bottom of my heart. You were not there anymore. You would never be there anymore.
I didn't go to your funeral. I don't think I could have gone, could have realized that you were really gone, could have seen a lid shut on your face and dirt poured over you and known that you weren't breathing weren't thinking weren't loving anymore.
It was raining heavy sheets. I watched the rain fall, fogging over the world and blurring it away with little tiny white drops. I was almost thankful for it, because I didn't want to see the world as it is right now. I was too busy grieving. I am crying for you. God is crying for you.
Things will be a bit emptier, you know. The rooms I'm in, the streets I walk, a tiny little corner in my heart. You left too soon. I will miss you, Matt.
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In memory of Morgan.