The FF7 Pantomime
Scene 1
Tifa: (Bursts out of a paper circle singing the opening song)
Cloud: Murh!
Tifa: Cloud, where are you? (Runs backwards and forwards across the stage)
Cloud: Help!
Tifa: Huh?
Cloud: Argh! (Falls from above the stage onto a small patch of flowers) Ow... BEEP BEEP I think I've BEEP every BEEP bone in my BEEP body because of this BEEP stunt! Whose BEEP idea was this?
Tifa: Stop that, this is a family show
Cloud: What did you BEEP say, I cant BEEP hear you cause of that BEEP beep sound.
Tifa: Shut the BEEP up!
Cloud: O.k. Good. I think its time to visit Mrs Wallace!
Scene 2
(The stage goes dark and the set changes to a bakery. When the lights come back on, Mrs Wallace is actually Barrett in a dress and wig.)
Barrett: Do I have to?..... O.K. Hello Everybody! (In a squeaky voice) I'm Mrs Wallace, welcome to my Bakery!
Cloud: Hi
Tifa: Hi
Barrett: Will you help me find my dog?
Tifa: Shall we audience?
Audience: Yaaaaay!
Cloud: Let's find him! (Cloud, Tifa and Barrett walk round the Stage yelling 'Nanaki')
Tifa: there he is! (The counter sets on fire)
Red: Oops...
Cloud: never mind. Leviathan! (A man in a blue suit and a blue dragon mask runs in with a bucket of water. He throws the water on the counter and leaves the stage)
Barrett: Ooh! Thank goodness we found you (he bends down and strokes Red)
Voice off stage: Hi-di-ho!
Cloud: Is that Ciddy?
Tifa: yes...RUN! (Cloud and Tifa run off stage)
Barrett: Oh BEEP (Ciddy, or Cid, walks on)
Cid: Hi-di-ho!
Barrett: Hi-di-who?
Cid: No! Hi-di-ho.
Barrett: Oh
Cid: HO!
Barrett: I'm loading my machine-gun
Cid: Eap! (Ciddy runs across the stage screaming. Barrett leaves)
Barrett: (off stage) Damn Cid...
Cid: Hi-di-ho! Hello audience, When I say hi-di-ho you say ho-di-hi! (Whispering: Who wrote this Goddamn script?)
Cid: Let's try it... Hi-di-ho!
Audience: Ho-di-hi!
Cid: Bye! (Cid runs off stage and the lighting changes to green)
Voice off stage: Gya-ha-ha! (Smoke appears on stage and Sephiroth walks on wearing a long black dress and a witch's hat)
Sephiroth: Fear me for I am the evil Fai...Bad Fairy! I will get Cloud Lost in a forest of evil and he will never see Tifa again! I don't Know why I'm doing this...(He looks down at a script 'Leviathan' threw at him) And they will never find the Magic Peanut That will defeat me! Gya-ha-ha! (More smoke as Sephiroth walks off stage)
Audience: Booooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
Scene 3
Stage looks like a market square
Cloud: (Singing to a Tune that doesn't fit to the music)
It's such a happy, sunny day
Let's all go outside and play
But watch out for the bad fairy
Who looks like she needs to shave!
(At this point all the villagers discover they have amazing chorographical skills and prance around the stage in an all singing all dancing routine)
Villagers: Who looks like she needs to shave, oh yes,
She looks like she needs to shave.
(Villagers forget chorographical skills and return to original positions except Vincent who is also an extra starts grumbling)
Vincent: How did I end up being Villager number three when you're all main characters, I'm going to speak to my Agent and my lawyer. I'm suing for the humiliation (storms off stage to speak to agent)
Cloud: It's such a hap... Wait, I've already done this part... (Red runs on)
Red: Hi, I mean...Woof...Woof...Bark...
Cloud: Hi Nanaki. Can you keep a secret?
Red: Err...Woof?
Cloud: I love my best friend Tifa, but I don't know how to tell her...
Audience: Awwwwwwwww
Red: Wooooo...I mean... Wooooof (Cloud walks off the stage and Tifa walks on from the opposite side)
Tifa: Can you keep a secret, Nanaki?
Red: Bark
Tifa: I love Cloud but I don't know how to tell him...
Red: Wooooof
Audience: Awwwwwwwww (Tifa walks off stage)
Voice off stage: Gya-ha-ha! (Sephiroth walks on with fake smoke)
Sephiroth: I don't need to shave... (Rubs face)...Hmmm.... Maybe I do...
Now I will put my evil plan into action. Gya-ha-ha...besides, just because I'm wearing a dress doesn't mean I'm a girl.
Scene 4
Just outside the evil forest
Cid: Hi-di-ho
Audience: Ho-di-hi
Cid: Hey its you.... Good old err.... Spiky haired LINE
Off stage: CLOUD!
Cid: Hey its CLOUD!
Cloud: no need to shout
Cid: But that's how he said it
Cloud: If he said jump off a cliff, would you?
Cid: hmmm (considers jumping of cliff)
Cloud: Forget I just said that
Cid: He said that? (Wanders off stage mumbling). Where's the nearest cliff?
Cloud: that was so weird. And I still don't know how to tell Tifa I love her...
(Sephiroth walks on disguised as a very old lady)
Sephiroth: I'm an old, old lady who can help you
Cloud: You look very suspicious, but I'm very naive so I'll believe you.
Sephiroth: If you bring back one of the beautiful roses that grows in the centre of the evil forest, Tifa will be so impressed she will fall in love with you.
Cloud: Thanks suspicious old lady (Skips off into the forest)
Sephiroth: Gya-ha-ha (throws off disguise)
Audience: (gasps with shock) Boooo
Sephiroth: Now to make sure Cloud stays lost I'll set my pet Bahaumt on him, but first...
Let's all go to the lobby,
Let's all go to the lobby,
Let's all go to the lobby,
And get ourselves some snacks.
Yeah!
End of act 1
Act 2
Scene 5
In the bakery
Tifa: have you seen Cloud lately?
Barrett: No. Why?
Tifa: I had something to tell him...
Red: (Running on stage) Woof woof bark woof... LINE
Off stage: WOOF WOOF BARK GRR
Red: Woof woof bark grr...
Tifa: What's that Nanaki?
Barrett: The Bad Fairy tricked Cloud and now he's...
Tifa: Lost in the evil forest?
Red: Woof!
Tifa let's go find him quickly...But how?
(Twinkling sound)
All: Oooooo
(Rufus comes on stage wearing a white suit with sequins)
Rufus: I'm the good wizard Rufus (Barrett Laughs)
Barrett: I still can't believe they picked you for the good wizard...
Rufus: I don't think it's funny...(Gets out shotgun)
Barrett: Eap!
Tifa: How can you help us?
Rufus: I'll help you when you find Cloud.... (Rufus walks off stage)
Tifa: Where is he? (Rufus runs back on looking embarrassed)
Rufus: In the Evil forest...Oops. I forgot the line (Barrett starts laughing again and his wig falls off)
Tifa: Thanks
Rufus: See you lot later...(Rufus starts to walk off again, but trips over the wig) Ow...Damn wig (Barrett laughs so much he falls over and rolls of the stage into the orchestra pit and gets his head stuck in the tuba)
Barrett: Damn Tuba...Whose idea was it to have a BEEP BEEP orchestra this BEEP year! Who needs BEEP music? (Some small children in the audience begin to cry. Barrett climbs back onto the stage and tries to shoot the orchestra, Rufus and the wig.)
Tifa: Help!
Audience: Boo (more children cry as Barrett starts to shoot the audience as well)
Rufus: Security...Help...please get Barrett away.... Children crying... Argh! (Barrett shoots Rufus and the stage goes black and Barrett screams)
Scene 6
In the Evil forest
Cloud: There they are! Roses! (He picks a rose. It wilts)
Erm.... Here's another. I'll just pick it up and.... (It wilts) And another...(It wilts) Maybe this one...(It wilts. Scene repeats in this manner for several minutes)
Audience: zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz
Cloud: Oh poop...Hey it didn't wilt...Oh... there it goes (A man dressed like leviathan but in red comes on. Guess what? Its Bahaumt!)
Bahaumt: Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr
Cloud: Eek! (Runs off screaming followed by Bahaumt. Tifa and Co walk on the opposite side, but instead of Barrett, Vincent comes on wearing a pink polka-dot dress)
Tifa: Its such a shame MRS WALLACE got SICK. But our other friend Mrs Valentine has agreed to help out, haven't you Mrs Valentine?
Vincent: Yes (using a fake squeaky hi-pitched voice). These woods are mighty scary, lets, I don't believe I'm saying this, sing a happy song to keep the monsters away.
ALL (Tifa, Red, Vincent and Cid, whose arms are in plaster from his attempt to jump off a cliff)
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song, (Bahaumt creeps up behind Red and taps him on the shoulder)
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song,
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song,
Audience: It's behind you!
Red: Argh! (Bahaumt chases him off stage)
Sing a happy, happy, hap...
Tifa: Where's Nanaki? (Audience shouts and points off stage) Bahaumt? No way.
Vincent: I'm scared.
Sooo Weeee'll.... Have to sing it again then won't we? Woo!
Sing a happy, happy, Happy, happy, happy, happy song, (Bahaumt creeps up behind Cid and taps him on the shoulder)
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song,
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song,
Audience: It's behind you!
Cid: Argh! (Bahaumt chases him off stage)
Sing a happy, happy, hap...
Tifa: Where's Ciddy? (Audience shouts and points off stage) Bahaumt? No way.
Vincent: I'm still scared.
Sooo Weeee'll.... Have to sing it again then won't we? Woo!
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song, (Bahaumt creeps up behind Tifa and taps her on the shoulder)
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song,
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song,
Audience: It's behind you!
Tifa: Argh! (Bahaumt chases her off stage)
Sing a happy, happy, hap...
Vincent: Where's Tifa? (Audience shouts and points off stage) Bahaumt? I'm Very scared.
Sooo I'll.... Have to sing it again then won't I? ...Woo?
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song, (Bahaumt creeps up behind Vincent and taps him on the shoulder)
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song,
Sing a happy, happy, happy, happy, happy, happy song,
Audience: It's behind you!
Vincent: Argh! (Bahaumt chases him off stage)
Scene 7
Somewhere else in the forest
Tifa: CLOUD, CIDDY, NANAKI, MRS VALENTINE, WHERE ARE YOU? (Yuffie sneaks on stage and hides behind a cardboard tree) CLOUD, CIDDY, NANAKI, MRS VALENTINE, WHERE ARE YOU? (Yuffie creeps closer to Tifa)
Audience: LOOK BEHIND YOU! (Tifa turns round and sees Yuffie. they both scream)
Tifa: Who are you?
Yuffie: who are you?
Tifa: Tifa
Yuffie: I'm Yuffie the ninja, Materia hunter, Saviour of the planet, The stealer of Christmas!
Tifa: Bread, more like...
Yuffie: Huh?
Tifa: You tried to break into the bakery yesterday, didn't you?
Yuffie: .... Maybe...(looks nervous) are you looking for someone?
Tifa: Yeah.
Yuffie: cos I saw a spiky haired jerk picking flowers, a guy in a pink dress, a moron with his arms in plaster who was running around screaming, and a red dog.
Tifa: did the dog set things on fire?
Yuffie: (looks around) Yeah, that tree. (Cardboard tree sets on fire)
Red: Oops...
Tifa: Leviathan (guy in leviathan suit throws water on tree).
Tifa: Where are the others? (The other cardboard tree falls over, because Cid is sitting in it. Vincent, for some inexplicable reason, climes up from a trapdoor in the stage.
Voice off stage: Gya-ha-ha
Tifa: No! It's the bad fairy! (Sephiroth walks on with more fake smoke. Vincent laughs quietly)
Sephiroth: I'm so sick of that goofy singing that I'm taking you back to my castle to die
Yuffie: Nooooo
Scene 8
Bad fairy's castle
Tifa: Are you lot O.K.? (Tifa, Yuffie, Vincent, Red and Cid are in a cage)
Yuffie: I think so
Vincent: Oh gosh! Is that Cloud? (Cloud is tied up near the side of the stage. Sephiroth is standing next to him.)
Sephiroth: Gya-ha-ha! Now you all will perish!
(Twinkling noise)
Off stage: not if I can help it! (Rufus comes on Again wearing blood-Soaked bandages.)
Rufus: There's no way you can kill them, for I am the good Wizard!
Sephiroth: NOOOOO!
Rufus: Cloud here! (He runs over to Cloud and unties him)
Sephiroth: NOOOOO!
Rufus: Zap! (The stage goes black. when the lights come back on, Sephiroth, the chains around Cloud and co and the cage are gone)
Rufus: Cloud?
Cloud: What?
Rufus: the only way to stop the bad fairy is to throw the magic peanut at her! (Cloud starts laughing) I'm serious!
Tifa: Shut up Cloud. We're being serious here!
Rufus: Here, take this (he gives Cloud the peanut)
Cloud: Mmmmmm, Peanut. (Cloud eats Peanut)
Rufus: Great, You ate it! Now it's not even magical!
Cloud: Oops... (Sephiroth comes back)
Sephiroth: Gya-ha-ha! That peanut was the source of the good Wizard's power, and now it's gone! His Magic is fake!
Vincent, Tifa and Rufus: (running around the stage) what are we going to do? What are we going to do? What are we going to do? What are we going to do? What are we going to do? What are we going to do? What are we going to do?
Yuffie: Do I have to do Everything myself? ...Looks like its time to reveal my secret identity...
All: What?
Yuffie: I'm not just a thief, I'm actually...PRETTY SOLDIER SAILOR WUTAI!
(Lights Flash on and off as Yuffie rips off her costume to reveal a gold and silver sailor suit. Meanwhile, The 'Greased Lightning' tune Starts playing)
All: (to the tune of Greased lightning)
Go pretty soldier sailor Wutai,
Sailor Wutai,
Go Sailor Wutai!
Go Sailor Wutai; you can kick his Ass,
Kick his ass,
(All make kicking motions)
Go, Kick his ass
You can beat him,
We know you can,
Sailor Wutai!
Da da da da dadadada
(The Singing stops, But the music still plays quietly)
Yuffie: I am PRETTY SOLDIER SAILOR WUTAI! . Defender of Peace, truth, justice, love etc. I can't allow you to hurt these innocent people
Sephiroth: Eap
Yuffie: GREASED LIGHTNING OF JUSTICE! (Uses greased lightning of Seph)
Sephiroth: ouch
Yuffie: LANDSCAPER OF PEACE (uses landscaper)
Sephiroth: ...mommy... (Cries)
Yuffie: Now for my final attack, CROTCH KICK OF TRUTH (kicks Seph in crotch)
Sephiroth: arghhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm sorry (falls to the floor in agony)
ALL: Yeah. Go sailor Wutai!
Audience: Yaaaaay!
Yuffie: ...Now I'll sort out this mess you've all made. I know Cloud loves Tifa, and Tifa loves Cloud, so I'll use my WUTAN LOVE ARROW!!!!!! (Arrow hits Cloud) And again, WUTAN LOVE ARROW!!!!!! (Arrow hits Tifa) Now, You will fall in love...Properly. (Romantic music plays. Cloud walks over to Tifa)
Cloud: Tifa, Will you marry me?
Audience: Wooooooooooo
Tifa: Woo Hoo! YES. (Cloud and Tifa skip of stage)
Vincent: I'm going to plan your wedding. (Follows them)
Cid: I'm going to attempt to make a cake...Hi-di-ho!
Audience: Ho-di-hi! (Cid follows Vincent)
Rufus: Can I help too? (Follows Cid)
Red: Woof Woof Bark (follows Rufus)
Sephiroth: (sulking) It's not fair...sniff...my plan is ruined...Sniff...It hurts...Sniff...I have no friends...No-one loves me...sniff...
Yuffie: Think again, Fairy boy! 'Coz...I saved you for ME! Ha ha. WUTAN LOVE ARROW!!!!!! (Arrow hits Seph)
Sephiroth: I love you Yuffie! Let's skip happily off stage...Ow...It hurts too much to do that.
Yuffie: Never mind. I'll carry you
Sephiroth: Yay! (Yuffie carries Seph off stage)
Scene 9
In the market place.
Decorated with wedding-type decorations.
(Villagers skip on and clap in time to the music)
Audience: Yay
(Bahaumt and leviathan walk on stage together, go to opposite sides and wave)
Audience: Yay
Cid and Vincent walk on; cid is holding a cake)
Cid: Hi-di-ho
Audience: Ho-di-hi
(Cid falls over; cake goes in his face)
All: ha ha ha
Audience: Yay
(Rufus and Red walk on, Rufus throws fairy glitter everywhere, red sets a decoration on fire)
All: Leviathan (leviathan throws water over red and the decoration)
Audience: Yay
(Yuffie and Sephiroth walk on, Yuffie wearing a silver and gold version of her ninja outfit, Sephiroth is in a silver and gold version of his usual none dress outfit)
Audience: Yay...we mean Boo... we mean Awww isn't it sweet?
(Cloud and Tifa walk on dressed in wedding outfits)
Audience: Yay!!!!!!!!!
All: (singing)
It's such a happy sunny day,
Everything turned out o.k.
Even for the bad fairy,
Who's going out with Yuffie,
Who's going out with Yuffie, oh yes,
Who's going out with Yuffie!
It's such a happy sunny day,
Everything turned out o.k.
Even for Cloud and Tifa,
Who are getting married?
Who are getting married, oh yes?
Who are getting married!
It's such a happy sunny day,
Everything turned out o.k.
Except for Mrs Wallace,
Who's going into jail,
Who's going into jail, oh yes,
Who's going into jail!
It's such a happy sunny day,
Everything turned out o.k.
Except for Vincent's nice new dress,
That's covered in cake,
That's covered in cake, oh yes,
That's covered in cake!
It's such a happy sunny day,
But Rufus had to throw his suit away,
'Coz it was full of blood
And full of bullet holes,
And full of bullet holes, Oh yes,
And full of bullet holes!
It's such a happy sunny day
Lets all go out and play
Except for Nanaki
Who set the curtain on fire
Who set the curtain on fire, oh yes
Who set the curtain on FIRE! RUN.
(all around stage panicking as the stage, curtain and decorations burst into a fiery inferno that even leviathan can't put out)
THE END
I don't own anything. Co-written by Elani Sky And Veronica