Disclaimer: Do you think That if i owned them i would be writting fanfics? LOL
A/N: Rated T just to be safe. Something that came to my mind while I was listening to a song, Do what you have to do by Sarah McLachlan. I won't lie it's kind of sad. Thank you Nettie for your help, as always. Please review!
Olivia missed walking in these streets; they were so different back in Boston. They were empty in comparison to the hustle and bustle around her now. She missed so many things, not just the streets, she missed the weather, the buildings, the sounds, the smells, and she missed Elliot. She had been so miserable with and without him.
She had run away like always, she wouldn't let herself to have a relationship with the only man she ever allowed herself to fall in love with. When she helped Kathy in the crash she knew she couldn't go on like that. She loved herself way too much to allow it. Yes she knew Elliot was married and having their fifth child, and she was happy about it, because she could see a smile on his face more often, but she was also sad because it wasn't a smile she had caused. She had run to Boston, where she would not see him.
Today, however, she was walking down the streets of New York because of Simon's birthday. He had called her to come and it had been a very nice party. Simon knew she needed this, to feel like a part of his family, she wanted, needed to feel they were related by more than blood but by love. After a week in New York, she was leaving once again to return to the home she created in Boston two years ago.
Olivia was walking in front of the 1-6. It was so different but still the same. It had been a long two years since she was here. Two years without him, without his smiles, without his voice, without his presence. She hadn't allowed herself to think about him those two years, and now it was all she thought about. It was like if a knife slicing her heart in two and killing her. She had tried hard not to allow herself to love him but she couldn't help it, she loved him like she had never loved anyone.
Elliot surrounded her all the time; she could even feel him when she was walking. She had been trying to escape from this feeling, but the yearning to be with him was stronger. Olivia had realized she didn't know how to let him go. He was doing what he needed to do; faith had led him through it. It was killing her to know she was only thinking about him and how she existed just for him.
Convincing herself that she had done the right thing by leaving in the first place, Olivia felt an old and familiar sensation overtake her. She didn't have to turn around to know who was there and she hated herself for it. She hated herself for continuing to love him and for knowing everything she knew about him. She hated herself for having ever met him in the first place.
Olivia closed her eyes waiting for the inevitable. This man, who she knew too well, was approaching her without any warning. She wanted to see him, but at the same time she didn't. Seeing him would mean talking to him and bringing up all the stuff she didn't want to remember. But it was too late now; Elliot was only a meter away from her. She didn't turn; she just waited for him.
"Liv," was the only thing he said. She loved how he used her nickname, but, under the circumstances, she didn't want to hear it.
Still Olivia didn't turn to face him, she couldn't. How do you face someone you love after two years? As he placed a soft and warm hand on her shoulder, she knew she had to stop walking. She reminded herself she had to hate him in order not to break down in front of him.
Olivia let out a small sigh and turned around to find the man she had loved with an undying passion. His blue eyes penetrated her; they penetrated her like no one had done before. Elliot hugged her like the day of the accident, but closer and longer. This time he really hugged her. He hugged her like she deserved. She hid her face in his neck absorbing his scent and trying to concentrate on the fact that she was in his arms.
When the hug finally ended, Elliot took her face between his hands.
"I'll take you for dinner," he said and she answered in the only way she could, she nodded. Why couldn't she just say no and walked away? She knew she would end up being hurt again, as always. They walked together side by side just like all the times before. The trip was in silence, but it was not an ugly silence, it was the silence people share when they know each other too well.
They entered a beautiful restaurant and ordered dinner. As the waiter walked away with the orders, Elliot took her hand in his just before he started talking. She needed his touch, she needed to feel him or she would die.
"It's been two years, how have you been?" he asked hoping she would answer with the truth and not with another answer just to avoid the subject.
"I've been okay, tell me about you," she continued their chat. As he took a sip of his wine, she wondered what it would be like to be that glass and just get lost on his arms. She came back to reality again. The cold reality.
"I'm better now," Elliot answered and wondered if she was dating someone. He knew she needed someone in her life, someone who would love her as much as he loved her, someone who could make her happy and proud. "Are you dating someone?" he asked smiling sweetly.
"Yes. His name is Sean. He's a really good guy and we've been together for a year now," she answered, taking a sip of her wine, knowing this would be a very difficult and painful conversation. She was not ready for it and she didn't want it. She didn't want to ask about Kathy, but it would be cold if she didn't. "How are Kathy and Elliot Junior?"
"Things between Kathy and I are not so well, you know. Little Elliot is two now and growing very fast like the rest of the kids," he answered honestly. Things between he and his wife had changed radically after Olivia left, Kathy finally realized her husband was in love with his partner and there was nothing she could do to change it. But the truth was that her absence was the worst thing he had been through. It took him an entire year to realize she was gone and not coming back.
But the truth for Olivia was very different from the one she was telling Elliot. It was true that she was dating Sean, she met him on a case and he fell in love with her. It was nice to be with him but, he was not the man she really loved. She had spent the last year with a guy she didn't love and now she was sitting in front of the love of her life. It was ironic. This feeling was so pure and real, so deep. She loved him so much it was killing her, so much it was making her want to cry.
"Why did you leave?" he asked in a soft and low tone. It was something that had been running through his mind from the moment she left. His eyes were full with tears just thinking about her and how much he loved her. There was nothing he could do about it and he just had to accept it and be happy for her and Sean.
"I wanted to go on," she simply answered. She wondered if it was hard for him to go on after she left, but it was something she would never ask him, the answer would be too painful. She was also afraid of this dinner; she never wanted to see him again. Knowing if she did, it would be like stabbing a knife in her stomach. She had been cut once in the neck, and she knew loving him was more painful. It was more painful by far. How could she be so stupid not to accept the fact she had been lying to herself and the truth was that she couldn't live without him?
Elliot gave a small nod. He also wanted to go on, to forget that he had ever met her. To forget her smile, her scent, her presence, the way she could calm him down, to forget the way he loved her. There it was! He had finally admitted it, to himself at least, that he loved her. Why couldn't he just tell her and this torture would end? He wanted to kiss her like he had never kissed anyone before, he wanted to make love to her, he wanted to show the world how much he loved her, he wanted to show to her how much he loved her, and he wanted to spend the rest of his life with her. "How long are you staying?" he asked. He wanted so many things, he wanted her.
"This is my last night here in New York," Olivia answered wanting to jump on his arms and love him. She wanted to erase everything that happened, every mistake both had made and she wanted to erase leaving for Boston. There was no time to do that. She was going tomorrow and Sean would be waiting for her. Damn Elliot! Why didn't he just leave her alone so she could cry, cry about him.
They ended their meal in silence just thinking about each other. Elliot paid for the meal and walked outside with her. She stopped a cab; she didn't want to walk with him to the place where she was staying. She just wanted to forget about him and prepare her suitcases for the morning.
She opened the cab's door and waited some seconds before talking. This was goodbye. They both knew it was. And if it was goodbye, they wouldn't see each other again. "I think this is goodbye," she said with a small and empty smile.
He nodded and before she could say anything else, his lips landed on hers. They both closed their eyes and kissed. This was goodbye. She wrapped her arms around his neck and deepened his kiss, wanting to record every second of the moment in her mind, she wanted this to be her last memory of him. When he broke the kiss he saw tears in her eyes and there was only one thing he could bring himself to say. "Stay."
She closed her eyes and cried in front of him. She was surprised to find him crying as well when she opened her eyes.
"I can't," she whispered and placed her hand on his cheek. Why this is happening right now? Why didn't he kiss her before? She would hate herself for leaving, but she would also hate herself if she stayed.
"Why you can't stay?" he asked with hope although he knew what the answer would be. They both needed to go on. But he just couldn't forget about this woman so simply.
"Take care of yourself, please," she whispered before hugging him one last time. This was goodbye. Things would be hard for both of them, but it was the right thing to do. They say time heals all wounds but they knew it was not true.
"I love you," he whispered into her ear while he was hugging her and kissing her forehead before she entered the cab. He knew it would be the last time he would see her.
"I love you too," she whispered back from her seat inside the cab. It didn't take long before it took off, leaving the place where they stood seconds ago, leaving their story as well.
A small and simple tear fell down her cheek, leaving a small trace of water behind. Their kiss was unbelievable and pure. It was pure love and they both knew it. That tear was what tore them apart. In time, that tear would follow its own way as they would do . She hoped she would be able to meet him again, but she knew she wouldn't, moving on at its own pace, leaving healing in its wake.