In the middle of the atlantic ocean, the seaQuest cruises along
steadily, WSKRS whirring around searching for new data. Inside, on the
bridge, the crew are hard at work...
Captain Oliver Hudson ; Status, Mr. O'Neill?
Lieutenant Tim O'Neill ; We're cruising along at 100% sir, all's well.
Hudson ; Very good Mr. O'Neill. Carry on.
O'Neill ; (sheepishly) Thankyou sir.
Commander Jonathan Ford ; Where exactly are we headed Captain?
Hudson ; That's a good question Mr. Ford. Why don't you look into that for me. There's a good lad.
Ford ; (aggrivated) Yes sir.
Lieutenant James Brodie ; You mean you don't know where we're going? We could be headed straight into Macronesian waters!
Hudson ; Don't panic Mr. Brodie. If any little ships start giving us any hassle, you can just blow them out of the water.
Ensign Lucas Wolenczak ; (sarcastically, quietly) Yeah, that'll make 'em happy.
Hudson ; What was that Mr. Wolenczak? I'm old you know, I'm going deaf, so you have to speak up.
Lucas ; (loudly, almost shouting) I said 'Yeah, Macronesian ships are crappy', sir.
Hudson ; Quite right Ensign. Although, in my day, the only way we could fight in water was to throw stones across the lake. But of course, that was a very long time ago, when man still didn't quite understand how water worked.
(Several of the bridge crew laugh hysterically.)
Hudson ; What was that?
Lieutenant J.J. Fredericks ; Nothing sir. Just a little static over the comm.
Hudson ; You should get that cleared up. It may interfere with any communications with other vessels.
Freddie ; Yeah, wouldn't want that.
Lieutenant Lonnie Henderson ; It's quiet.
Lucas ; Well done Einstein.
Henderson ; (sarcastically) Ha ha. I'm wetting myself.
(Dripping)
Lucas ; (disgusted) You did, Lonnie.
(Henderson looks down. She looks upset)
Henderson ; Jonathan,... I wet myself!
Ford ; Oh no! Get a mop before it screws up the internal systems!
Hudson ; What's that? 'Flew cup sisters'? That doesn't make any sense!
(Everyone ignores him)
Seaman Anthony Piccolo ; I'll get Dagwood,... he'll do anything to make people happy.
Ford ; Good idea Tony.
Lucas ; (sympathetic) That's mean. Why can't Lonnie clear it up? She's the one who peed on the deck!
(Henderson begins crying)
Ford ; (angry) Hey, that's my chick you're talking about! Take it back!
(Lucas sticks out his tongue)
Lucas ; No. Admit it,... she's a deck-wetter.
(Crew laugh)
Henderson ; (sobbing) That's not funny, you bully.
Freddie ; Oh for god's sake you wimp!
(Piccolo and Dagwood enter)
Dagwood ; I have a mop. Where do I clean?
Piccolo ; Under Lonnie's station.
Hudson ; Oh dear, you seem to have spilt something on the floor Lieutenant. You'd best go get cleaned up, or you'll be very uncomfortable.
Henderson ; Yes sir.
(She exits)
Ford ; (sadly) Goodbye my love! I shall miss you!
Brodie ; She's only going to get changed Commander. She'll be back in five minutes.
Ford ; (smitten) An eternity.
(The crew groan, and continue with their work.)
(There is a splash from the small pool, and then a smack sound.)
Hudson ; Ouch! Euugh!
Piccolo ; What is it sir?
Hudson ; A fish just attacked me!
Darwin ; Hudson fat. Darwin hate Hudson. Darwin want Bridger.
(Crew laugh)
Hudson ; Why you little...!
(O'Neill and Piccolo hold the Captain back as he lunges for Darwin.)
O'Neill ; (desperately) No sir, he's just a dolphin. Anyway, he was only playing around.
Piccolo ; Yeah, he's having fun.
(Hudson calms down)
Darwin ; Darwin want Bridger!
Hudson ; Well, hard trout Mr. Flippers,... Bridger spontaneously combusted last tuesday. Hah!
Darwin ; Hudson lie.
Hudson ; I never lie.
Lucas ; Yeah, he's like a Vulcan, big ears an' all.
(Piccolo laughs uncontrollably, as does Lucas.)
Hudson ; You're just a... a... stupid little dolphin!
Darwin ; Hudson fat. Hudson stupid.
Hudson ; Am not!
(Darwin swims away)
Freddie ; He has a point sir, you have put on a little weight. I mean, you almost crushed me last night.
(Crew gasp, and make disgusted noises)
Hudson ; Lieutenant!
Freddie ; Ooops.
Hudson ; You're relieved of duty until further notice. I'll see to you later.
(Freddie leaves, incredibly embarrased)
Lucas ; Is that a date sir?
Hudson ; Shut up.
(Lucas smiles)
(Beeping)
O'Neill ; Sir?
Hudson ; Not now lieutenant.
(Hudson sits in his chair, which creaks loudly)
O'Neill ; But sir...
Hudson ; Not now!
O'Neill ; Sir?!
Hudson ; Are you deaf man?! NOT NOW!!!
Lucas ; (quietly) Stress-out much?
O'Neill ; (frustrated) Listen to me, you overweight piece of swiss roll! There is a huge squid off the starboard bow, and we are about to collide with it!
Hudson ; What?! Why didn't you say?
(O'Neill fumes)
Brodie ; What are we gonna do?
Hudson ; Blow it up with a big,... torpedo thingy.
Brodie ; But sir, that'll kill it.
Hudson ; (sarcastically) Well done Mr. Brodie, you get a gold star.
Brodie ; (reluctantly) Very good sir.
(Beeping)
Brodie ; Torpedoes away.
(Loud bang)
Brodie ; Target was destroyed.
Hudson ; Hooray! We saved the day whilst killing an innocent creature along the way. Bonus!
(Beeping)
Lucas ; Uh, Captain,... that wasn't a squid we just destroyed.
Hudson ; Then what was it?
Lucas ; It was a fat diver. And we just obliterated him.
(Silence for several moments)
Piccolo ; Oh well. I doubt anyone will miss him.
Henderson ; I'm back!
Ford ; At last, my love has returned to me!
Brodie ; Would you shut up, Romeo!
(Henderson takes her station, which is now clean)
Lucas ; Just don't wet yourself again.
Henderson ;(stuck up) I won't. That was a freak one-off incident.
Lucas ; Yeah,... right.
Henderson ; Permission to turn on the radio sir?
Hudson ; Granted. Make sure you put on some Spice Girls songs. They're my favourite band.
(The crew groan)
(Clicking and beeping)
(All of the lights flick off, as do the control panels and consoles)
Dagwood ; Aaggh, Tony! I'm scared of the dark.
Piccolo; Where are you?
(Thud)
Piccolo ; Oh, there you are.
Dagwood ; I'm scared. There's a monster on the ship!
Hudson ; Don't be ridiculous. We haven't had a monster aboard for at least three weeks. Not since Henderson was possesed by a demonic swede.
Lucas ; Actually, we had a mutated haddock attack the science lab last friday.
Hudson ; Well, a week then. There's no monsters aboard now.
(Roar)
Dagwood ; Aaggh! Tony!
(Crunch)
Piccolo ; (quietly) You're crushing me Dagwood!
Dagwood ; Sorry.
(Roar)
O'Neill ; What was that?
Ford ; It sounded like...
(Roar)
Ford ; Like a giant, insane hamster?!
(Gnawing sounds)
Hudson ; I should go see what it is.
Henderson ; Don't kill it, it's only Tiny.
Lucas ; Who the hell is Tiny?
Ford ; Are you cheating on me?!
Henderson ; Tiny is my hamster. I spilt something on him last week, and he just kept on growing. I thought it was a good thing until his cage exploded and he escaped. But, he's only devoured three Seaman and one Lieutenant.
Lucas ; What?! Captain, you should kill it!
Hudson ; How? I can't see anything. Oh, here's my gun.
Ford ; (pained) That's not you gun sir.
Hudson ; Oh, sorry.
Lucas ; I have a laser-pen you could use captain.
Hudson ; Good thinking Mr. Wolenczak. Pass it here.
Brodie ; Captain, could you please STOP CALLING EVERYBODY MR!!
Hudson ; No, it's fun.
(Whack)
Hudson ; Ouch!
Lucas ; Sorry sir. I never was very good at throwing in the dark.
Hudson ; (groaning) Quite alright, I just need to sit down for a moment.
(Creaking)
(Loud crash)
Hudson ; Ouch! Oh... shoot.
Ford ; What's wrong captain?
Hudson ; (upset) My captain's chair just broke.
Darwin ; Hudson very fat.
(Laughing)
Hudson ; Shut up. It was an old chair.
Henderson ; Actually sir, it wasn't.
Hudson ; (insistantly) Yes,... it was an old chair, lieutenant.
Henderson ; Yes sir.
Hudson ; Right, time to save the day. Damn, I can't find my gun. I guess I'll just have to fight the beast hand-to-hand.
Lucas ; (sarcasticaly) Yeah, that'll work.
Hudson ; Here I go!
( Roar)
(Crashing)
(Loud crunches)
(Pained screaming)
(Belching)
O'Neill ; What was that?
Henderson ; Oh, Tiny always does that after he's eaten. Oh my god! Captain?!
(Squeaks)
Lucas ; Hey, I know why the power isn't working.
Ford ; Well?
Lucas ; You're 'chick' hit the power off switch instead of the radio tuner.
Ford ; You're thick Lonnie, you know that?
(Henderson begins crying again)
(The lights flick back on, and the consoles come back to life)
(Crew cheer)
Ford ; Well done Lucas. How would you like to be lieutenant?
Lucas ; Cool!
Ford ; Okay,... Lonnie, give him your stripes.
Henderson ; But Jonathan!
Ford ; Do it. Lucas, give her your ensign's badge.
Lucas ; Very cool!
(Squeaking)
Brodie ; Commander, the hamster, it's coming this way!
(A tiny hamster waddles onto the bridge, squeaking loudly.)
(The hamster belches)
Piccolo ; Aah, it's so sweet.
Dagwood ; Can I pet it?
Henderson ; No, you'll crush it you big oaf.
Piccolo ; Hey!
(Thwack)
Ford ; Nice going Lieutenant Wolenczak. She was beginning to aggrivate me!
(Crew cheer as Henderson runs off the bridge, crying her eyes out)
Whole crew ; And don't come back!!!
And so, the seaQuest continues on it's way, the whole command having been altered to better the situation, and perhaps the world. They even have a new Seaman called Tiny who takes control of security. Hudson is no more and the crew of the seaQuest are safe, having been relieved of the suicidal missions Hudson always made them partake in.
Captain Oliver Hudson ; Status, Mr. O'Neill?
Lieutenant Tim O'Neill ; We're cruising along at 100% sir, all's well.
Hudson ; Very good Mr. O'Neill. Carry on.
O'Neill ; (sheepishly) Thankyou sir.
Commander Jonathan Ford ; Where exactly are we headed Captain?
Hudson ; That's a good question Mr. Ford. Why don't you look into that for me. There's a good lad.
Ford ; (aggrivated) Yes sir.
Lieutenant James Brodie ; You mean you don't know where we're going? We could be headed straight into Macronesian waters!
Hudson ; Don't panic Mr. Brodie. If any little ships start giving us any hassle, you can just blow them out of the water.
Ensign Lucas Wolenczak ; (sarcastically, quietly) Yeah, that'll make 'em happy.
Hudson ; What was that Mr. Wolenczak? I'm old you know, I'm going deaf, so you have to speak up.
Lucas ; (loudly, almost shouting) I said 'Yeah, Macronesian ships are crappy', sir.
Hudson ; Quite right Ensign. Although, in my day, the only way we could fight in water was to throw stones across the lake. But of course, that was a very long time ago, when man still didn't quite understand how water worked.
(Several of the bridge crew laugh hysterically.)
Hudson ; What was that?
Lieutenant J.J. Fredericks ; Nothing sir. Just a little static over the comm.
Hudson ; You should get that cleared up. It may interfere with any communications with other vessels.
Freddie ; Yeah, wouldn't want that.
Lieutenant Lonnie Henderson ; It's quiet.
Lucas ; Well done Einstein.
Henderson ; (sarcastically) Ha ha. I'm wetting myself.
(Dripping)
Lucas ; (disgusted) You did, Lonnie.
(Henderson looks down. She looks upset)
Henderson ; Jonathan,... I wet myself!
Ford ; Oh no! Get a mop before it screws up the internal systems!
Hudson ; What's that? 'Flew cup sisters'? That doesn't make any sense!
(Everyone ignores him)
Seaman Anthony Piccolo ; I'll get Dagwood,... he'll do anything to make people happy.
Ford ; Good idea Tony.
Lucas ; (sympathetic) That's mean. Why can't Lonnie clear it up? She's the one who peed on the deck!
(Henderson begins crying)
Ford ; (angry) Hey, that's my chick you're talking about! Take it back!
(Lucas sticks out his tongue)
Lucas ; No. Admit it,... she's a deck-wetter.
(Crew laugh)
Henderson ; (sobbing) That's not funny, you bully.
Freddie ; Oh for god's sake you wimp!
(Piccolo and Dagwood enter)
Dagwood ; I have a mop. Where do I clean?
Piccolo ; Under Lonnie's station.
Hudson ; Oh dear, you seem to have spilt something on the floor Lieutenant. You'd best go get cleaned up, or you'll be very uncomfortable.
Henderson ; Yes sir.
(She exits)
Ford ; (sadly) Goodbye my love! I shall miss you!
Brodie ; She's only going to get changed Commander. She'll be back in five minutes.
Ford ; (smitten) An eternity.
(The crew groan, and continue with their work.)
(There is a splash from the small pool, and then a smack sound.)
Hudson ; Ouch! Euugh!
Piccolo ; What is it sir?
Hudson ; A fish just attacked me!
Darwin ; Hudson fat. Darwin hate Hudson. Darwin want Bridger.
(Crew laugh)
Hudson ; Why you little...!
(O'Neill and Piccolo hold the Captain back as he lunges for Darwin.)
O'Neill ; (desperately) No sir, he's just a dolphin. Anyway, he was only playing around.
Piccolo ; Yeah, he's having fun.
(Hudson calms down)
Darwin ; Darwin want Bridger!
Hudson ; Well, hard trout Mr. Flippers,... Bridger spontaneously combusted last tuesday. Hah!
Darwin ; Hudson lie.
Hudson ; I never lie.
Lucas ; Yeah, he's like a Vulcan, big ears an' all.
(Piccolo laughs uncontrollably, as does Lucas.)
Hudson ; You're just a... a... stupid little dolphin!
Darwin ; Hudson fat. Hudson stupid.
Hudson ; Am not!
(Darwin swims away)
Freddie ; He has a point sir, you have put on a little weight. I mean, you almost crushed me last night.
(Crew gasp, and make disgusted noises)
Hudson ; Lieutenant!
Freddie ; Ooops.
Hudson ; You're relieved of duty until further notice. I'll see to you later.
(Freddie leaves, incredibly embarrased)
Lucas ; Is that a date sir?
Hudson ; Shut up.
(Lucas smiles)
(Beeping)
O'Neill ; Sir?
Hudson ; Not now lieutenant.
(Hudson sits in his chair, which creaks loudly)
O'Neill ; But sir...
Hudson ; Not now!
O'Neill ; Sir?!
Hudson ; Are you deaf man?! NOT NOW!!!
Lucas ; (quietly) Stress-out much?
O'Neill ; (frustrated) Listen to me, you overweight piece of swiss roll! There is a huge squid off the starboard bow, and we are about to collide with it!
Hudson ; What?! Why didn't you say?
(O'Neill fumes)
Brodie ; What are we gonna do?
Hudson ; Blow it up with a big,... torpedo thingy.
Brodie ; But sir, that'll kill it.
Hudson ; (sarcastically) Well done Mr. Brodie, you get a gold star.
Brodie ; (reluctantly) Very good sir.
(Beeping)
Brodie ; Torpedoes away.
(Loud bang)
Brodie ; Target was destroyed.
Hudson ; Hooray! We saved the day whilst killing an innocent creature along the way. Bonus!
(Beeping)
Lucas ; Uh, Captain,... that wasn't a squid we just destroyed.
Hudson ; Then what was it?
Lucas ; It was a fat diver. And we just obliterated him.
(Silence for several moments)
Piccolo ; Oh well. I doubt anyone will miss him.
Henderson ; I'm back!
Ford ; At last, my love has returned to me!
Brodie ; Would you shut up, Romeo!
(Henderson takes her station, which is now clean)
Lucas ; Just don't wet yourself again.
Henderson ;(stuck up) I won't. That was a freak one-off incident.
Lucas ; Yeah,... right.
Henderson ; Permission to turn on the radio sir?
Hudson ; Granted. Make sure you put on some Spice Girls songs. They're my favourite band.
(The crew groan)
(Clicking and beeping)
(All of the lights flick off, as do the control panels and consoles)
Dagwood ; Aaggh, Tony! I'm scared of the dark.
Piccolo; Where are you?
(Thud)
Piccolo ; Oh, there you are.
Dagwood ; I'm scared. There's a monster on the ship!
Hudson ; Don't be ridiculous. We haven't had a monster aboard for at least three weeks. Not since Henderson was possesed by a demonic swede.
Lucas ; Actually, we had a mutated haddock attack the science lab last friday.
Hudson ; Well, a week then. There's no monsters aboard now.
(Roar)
Dagwood ; Aaggh! Tony!
(Crunch)
Piccolo ; (quietly) You're crushing me Dagwood!
Dagwood ; Sorry.
(Roar)
O'Neill ; What was that?
Ford ; It sounded like...
(Roar)
Ford ; Like a giant, insane hamster?!
(Gnawing sounds)
Hudson ; I should go see what it is.
Henderson ; Don't kill it, it's only Tiny.
Lucas ; Who the hell is Tiny?
Ford ; Are you cheating on me?!
Henderson ; Tiny is my hamster. I spilt something on him last week, and he just kept on growing. I thought it was a good thing until his cage exploded and he escaped. But, he's only devoured three Seaman and one Lieutenant.
Lucas ; What?! Captain, you should kill it!
Hudson ; How? I can't see anything. Oh, here's my gun.
Ford ; (pained) That's not you gun sir.
Hudson ; Oh, sorry.
Lucas ; I have a laser-pen you could use captain.
Hudson ; Good thinking Mr. Wolenczak. Pass it here.
Brodie ; Captain, could you please STOP CALLING EVERYBODY MR!!
Hudson ; No, it's fun.
(Whack)
Hudson ; Ouch!
Lucas ; Sorry sir. I never was very good at throwing in the dark.
Hudson ; (groaning) Quite alright, I just need to sit down for a moment.
(Creaking)
(Loud crash)
Hudson ; Ouch! Oh... shoot.
Ford ; What's wrong captain?
Hudson ; (upset) My captain's chair just broke.
Darwin ; Hudson very fat.
(Laughing)
Hudson ; Shut up. It was an old chair.
Henderson ; Actually sir, it wasn't.
Hudson ; (insistantly) Yes,... it was an old chair, lieutenant.
Henderson ; Yes sir.
Hudson ; Right, time to save the day. Damn, I can't find my gun. I guess I'll just have to fight the beast hand-to-hand.
Lucas ; (sarcasticaly) Yeah, that'll work.
Hudson ; Here I go!
( Roar)
(Crashing)
(Loud crunches)
(Pained screaming)
(Belching)
O'Neill ; What was that?
Henderson ; Oh, Tiny always does that after he's eaten. Oh my god! Captain?!
(Squeaks)
Lucas ; Hey, I know why the power isn't working.
Ford ; Well?
Lucas ; You're 'chick' hit the power off switch instead of the radio tuner.
Ford ; You're thick Lonnie, you know that?
(Henderson begins crying again)
(The lights flick back on, and the consoles come back to life)
(Crew cheer)
Ford ; Well done Lucas. How would you like to be lieutenant?
Lucas ; Cool!
Ford ; Okay,... Lonnie, give him your stripes.
Henderson ; But Jonathan!
Ford ; Do it. Lucas, give her your ensign's badge.
Lucas ; Very cool!
(Squeaking)
Brodie ; Commander, the hamster, it's coming this way!
(A tiny hamster waddles onto the bridge, squeaking loudly.)
(The hamster belches)
Piccolo ; Aah, it's so sweet.
Dagwood ; Can I pet it?
Henderson ; No, you'll crush it you big oaf.
Piccolo ; Hey!
(Thwack)
Ford ; Nice going Lieutenant Wolenczak. She was beginning to aggrivate me!
(Crew cheer as Henderson runs off the bridge, crying her eyes out)
Whole crew ; And don't come back!!!
And so, the seaQuest continues on it's way, the whole command having been altered to better the situation, and perhaps the world. They even have a new Seaman called Tiny who takes control of security. Hudson is no more and the crew of the seaQuest are safe, having been relieved of the suicidal missions Hudson always made them partake in.