Author's Notes: Two songs: Pollyanna by Northstar and Richman by 3OH!3. Mood songs. :)
This was for my "I Never" Challenge… then I realized I have to write it during the war.
That's what I get for not checking my assignment before trying to complete it. EFF. I posted this anyway, because I like it. But I'm still working on the "I Never" thing. :( Plus, I don't think it's long enough. (That's what she said.)
Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter, Pollyanna, or Richman.
Her heartbeat rings in his ears—it's like an anthem, a way of saying "mine-mine mine-mine mine-mine" and still managing to keep the silence sacred, keep things real, even when they're not—even when Hannah is alone in her bed and Blaise is—not alone in his, but without Pansy.
Somehow, this can't be wrong, this can't feel anything but right when Neville moves against Pansy and Pansy presses messy kisses that burn against Neville's neck and he'll take a shower and rub off the red stains that burn like guilt.
The war has changed Neville.
And it's more than the war—it's settling, it's being okay with so much that's not, it's rebuilding and it's forced smiles and it's a marriage that feels too neat and tidy.
Sometimes we all need a little chaos—sometimes something changes us so that we don't know how to be normal, how to enjoy neat lines and clean edges.
Hannah doesn't know. Yes, she lost her mother and yes, she survived the Battle of Hogwarts, and yes, she has changed, but she doesn't know what it's like to be scared shitless and have to play the hero and smile when you feel like screaming and crying.
Pansy doesn't, either, but the difference is that she doesn't try to.
Neville feels stifled around Hannah, like she's trying to be sympathetic and understanding and listen and all Neville wants to do is forget.
Pansy lets him forget—welcomes his change and his rough edges and his messy brokenness and everything he can't give Hannah. Pansy opens herself up with no apologies. She's not perfect and she knows she's not perfect, but she also knows that it's what Neville needs—knows she can be his chaos in his picket fence world.
She leaves him sleeping peacefully in the hotel room—the chaos has calmed him and lets him go back to his neat lines and picket fences. Pansy leaves the room with bruises and a smeared lipstick smile as she kisses Neville goodbye on his forehead and locks the door behind her, her heartbeat still ringing in his ears.
Mine-mine.