In the middle of the Pacific Ocean... a large submarine glides along
peacefully. Or so it would seem. But onboard... there's trouble in
paradise...
CAPTAIN NATHAN BRIDGER; For god sakes! Shut up will you?!
COMMANDER JONATHAN FORD; I have a headache!
LIEUTENANT JAMES (JIM) BRODY; Yikes, who knew Henderson could scream like that?
CHIEF SENSOR MIGUEL ORTIZ; Jeez, Lonnie... it's just a spider!
ENSIGN LONORE (LONNIE) HENDERSON; I hate spiders! Get it away from me!
SEAMAN ANTHONY (TONY) PICCOLO; Somebody shut her up, please!
DOCTOR WENDY SMITH; I'll shut her up. I'm a woman... so it's okay for me to hit her after all.
LUCAS WOLENCZAK; Our saviour!
(smack!)
(Henderson cries loudly)
LIEUTENANT J.G. TIMOTHY (TIM) O'NEILL; Oh for god's sake... just get her out of here!
WENDY; I'll take her to med-bay... maybe give her a sedative.
BRIDGER; Thank you Wendy.
(Wendy smiles affectionately)
(Wendy drags Henderson off the bridge, and Bridger stares longingly after her)
BRODY; What a crybaby!
(crew laugh)
BRIDGER; Come on people, back to work.
ORTIZ; If anybody cares... no one's driving.
(crew panic, as people run about in frenzy)
FORD; Who's supposed to be driving?!
PICCOLO; Oops! That would be me!
(Piccolo runs to the helm and quickly starts to get the ship under control again)
(crew sigh in relief)
O'NEILL; How could you forget you were supposed to be driving?!
PICCOLO; Oh shut up, four-eyes!
O'NEILL; Hey!
PICCOLO; Want a fight? I could knock you out without even trying!
O'NEILL; Oh, pissen gehen!
(Ortiz and Brody laugh as they understood what O'Neill said)
PICCOLO; Huh? What the hell did you just say?
BRIDGER; Stop arguing damn it!
(loud alarm blares, deafening two members of crew who continue to ask people what they said)
FORD; Arggh!
BRIDGER; What the hell's going on now?!
ORTIZ; Umm... we're under attack, sir.
BRIDGER; From who?
ORTIZ; It looks like a large family group of... dolphins!
FORD; Not dolphins! Nooooooo!
BRIDGER; Calm yourself, Commander. We will prevail!
O'NEILL; Sir... I'm receiving a message... but I can't understand what it says.
BRIDGER; Put it through.
(O'Neill types in a command, and noises are heard over the loud speakers. It is similar to that of Darwin's whistles and clicks)
LUCAS; We need the vocorder. Lucky I have a portable!
(Lucas produces a small device from under his console, much to Ortiz's surprise)
BRIDGER; Thank you Lucas. Would you mind translating this please?
LUCAS; Sure. I can do that.
(the dolphin noises are slowly translated, and sound incredibly menacing)
FORD; ARGGH!!
BRIDGER; Commander, go away! You're annoying me with your unnecessary fear of dolphins!
O'NEILL; They sound angry.
PICCOLO; Well done, Einstein!
(O'Neill simply glares at Piccolo, who grins wildly)
DOLPHIN; Ve vant to… suck your blood! Oh, wait… that's vampires. You idiot!
BRIDGER; What are they talking about, O'Neill?
O'NEILL; I think they're arguing amongst themselves, sir.
ORTIZ; I can get a W.S.K.R. view, Captain.
BRIDGER; Do that then… do I have to tell you to do everything?
ORTIZ; Actually, sir, you do. You're the Captain, remember?
BRIDGER; So that's why I sit in this special chair.
(A W.S.K.R. view pops up on the main viewer, showing a large pod of very evil looking dolphins, one of which is wearing a Nazi helmet.)
FORD; Mommy!
(Ford runs off of the bridge, crying and calling for his mommy.)
ORTIZ; Ay carumba! What a baby! Anyway, sir, the dolphins.
BRIDGER; Oh, yes. Why is that one wearing a helmet?
LUCAS; I'll ask it, sir.
(Lucas speaks into vocorder.)
LUCAS; Why are you wearing a Nazi helmet?
DOLPHIN; Because my name is Adolf Flipper!
LUCAS; O-Kay then.
DOLPHIN; You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!
BRODY; Talk about mixing your genres!
BRIDGER; What is it that you want from us? All we have is a very high I.Q., and a huge ship filled with expensive equipment, confidential top-secret files, and loads of big deadly weapons. What could you possibly want from us?
NAZI DOLPHIN; We want to kill you all! Mwahahahahaha!
BRODY; What's the point in that? They don't even have a motive! What a crap plot!
NAZI DOLPHIN; We do too have a motive!
BRODY; Bet ya' don't.
(Nazi dolphin frowns, and shows its teeth.)
BRODY; Ooh, scary. Bring it on, Flipper!
NAZI DOLPHIN; That's Mr. Flipper to you!
BRIDGER; Please, please, can we get down to the threats over our lives again please? That's what this show is usually about.
PICCOLO; This is a show?!
BRIDGER; Not now, Seaman. That's what we want them to think… they have no idea!
(Piccolo nods in understanding, and continues with his work.)
ORTIZ; Sir, I don't think you're gonna believe this, but one of them is opening a torpedo hatch.
BRIDGER; What do you mean 'a torpedo hatch'?
ORTIZ; Whadda ya' think I mean? A torpedo hatch! Something which launches torpedoes!
LUCAS; How come Darwin doesn't have any torpedoes? That would be so cool!
BRIDGER; Shut up, Lucas.
(Lucas sticks his finger up when the Captain turns his back on him, and Ortiz tries not to laugh.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; You will be destroyed!
BRODY; They're firing what appears to be a large sea bass, sir!
ORTIZ; Impact in six seconds. Five… four… three… two… one.
(A large force rocks the boat, and someone screams, whilst several stupid, nameless, dispensable crewmembers fall over when a panel explodes for no reason.)
BRODY; We should really get that panel looked at, Captain. It's always exploding.
BRIDGER; How dare you throw a fish at me, you darn twit! Why I oughtta blow you right outta the water!
NAZI DOLPHIN; Go ahead, Mr. Bridger. But you would going against all that which you stand for! Mwahahahahaha!
BRODY; Well, at least he laughs like a bad villain.
NAZI DOLPHIN; I heard that!
BRODY; Duh! You were supposed to!
NAZI DOLPHIN; You're really starting to cheese me off now!
LUCAS; Brie, or Edam?
PICCOLO; That reminds me, I'm hungry.
(Piccolo pulls a large hamper out form underneath his station, and pulls out a sub sandwich, and begins eating it.)
O'NEILL; O-Kay. Where the hell did that come from?
PICCOLO; For your information, I always keep a hamper under here, in case of emergency. And if you're following the plot, which doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense to me, you'll notice we are in an emergency. Okay?
(O'Neill nods. Apparently, they have reached an understanding if not a very good one.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; We have come to a decision… we want to take all of your valuable crewmembers. The ones worth pinching.
BRIDGER; So, you want me to come right over then?
NAZI DOLPHIN; You fool! Weren't you listening? I said the ones worth pinching, not the ones I wouldn't use for a basketball. Not that I know how to play basketball.
BRIDGER; (upset) So, which ones do you mean then? I can't see how anyone is more valuable than little ol' me.
(The crew frown at Bridger, and then turn their attentions back to the dolphins.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; Well, that bloke who keeps making fun of me for one.
BRODY; Cool, I'm valuable.
NAZI DOLPHIN; The one who spotted our torpedo hatch opening.
ORTIZ; Cool… what a minute… is this a good thing?
NAZI DOLPHIN; The one who translates our speech.
LUCAS; What is it with different species trying to take me away?
(Ortiz and Brody shrug.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; And finally, the one with the big sandwich. He seems funny.
PICCOLO; Oh, great. The dolphin likes me. How incredibly fantastic!
BRIDGER; That's not fair! Why not me? I'm valuable, and smart, and funny!
WHOLE CREW; No, you're not!
(Bridger remains silent for a while.)
PICCOLO; Can I bring my sandwich?
NAZI DOLPHIN; No. Don't be silly, it would get soggy.
PICCOLO; Right, that snags it… I ain't going now. If I can't take my lunch, I ain't going.
NAZI DOLPHIN; You have no choice, petty human.
PICCOLO; Oh, so now you're callin' me petty, huh? Bring it on fish-face! I'll sock you in the eye!
ORTIZ; Captain, what are we gonna do? None of us are exactly thrilled about going.
BRIDGER; (in a small childish voice) I don't care. I don't wanna be the Captain anymore. They don't think I'm valuable. You take care of it, if you're all so clever.
(Brody, Ortiz, Lucas and Piccolo frown, and think for a moment.)
ORTIZ; I'll cut off audio so they can't hear us.
LUCAS; Good idea. I'll… do something… like turn up the lights to 5600 degrees Kelvin.
BRODY; Lucas, this isn't killer plants, it's killer dolphins. It's completely… well, quite different. I don't think daylight is gonna kill 'em.
(Piccolo finishes his sandwich, and runs up to the station where Brody has gone to be near to Ortiz and Lucas, so they can plan something which will probably end up being so entirely simple and silly, that you all should have seen it coming from the get-go.)
PICCOLO; So, what're we thinking? Get 'em wet? Maybe they'll shrivel up.
(Brody slaps him lightly round the back of the head.)
BRODY; They're in the water, genius!
PICCOLO; Good point.
LUCAS; Are we sure daylight won't work?
ALL THREE; Yes!
LUCAS; Okay, so, no daylight then. Hey! I've got it! We should turn the lights off! They won't be able to see us!
ORTIZ; That could work.
BRODY; What are we… amateurs? We've fought off killer plants, big robots, gone to the future, saved the human race, encountered aliens, and so much more crazy stuff! We can think off something more amazing than a simple lights out!
(Brody seems to have just inherited the role of motivational speaker for the four.)
ORTIZ; God dammit, he's right! We need to think up something, and fast. It's gotta be wacky, zany, and have some sort of confusing back plot which no one knows about.
LUCAS; Good idea. I'll search the Internex.
(Lucas types away frantically, hitting keys in any old order, and when you take a close look, you see that what he's typing really doesn't make any sense at all, yet what is on the screen is apparently making a lot of sense.)
LUCAS; Okay, it says here that an attack on seaQuest by insane killer dolphins was snuffed by the writers in the first season, and they were going to be defeated by… huh, that's odd.
BRODY; What?
LUCAS; The document had been mysteriously, and somewhat suspiciously edited. We aren't allowed to get the answer that easy boys. I'm afraid we'll have to use that high I.Q. the Captain was talking about earlier.
PICCOLO; Darn, that's me out. It's up to you three. I'm not gonna make it!
BRODY; Don't be such a drama queen, Tony. You're not Lonnie.
PICCOLO; I see your point. Why do you always make so much sense?
BRODY; I don't know… I guess it's all just part of my kick ass character.
NAZI DOLPHIN; I am losing patience! Hurry up, or I'm going to miss Eastenders!
ORTIZ; What the hell is Eastenders? Some sort of insane ploy to take over the world?
LUCAS; Something like that. From what I understand, it's an awful British programme, one which they use to take over people's brains.
BRODY; Weird.
PICCOLO; Hey, I think I have an idea!
(They wait in silence for Piccolo to explain his idea.)
BRODY; Well, share! We're not psychic.
WENDY; I am!
ORTIZ; Get lost, Wendy… you're not supposed to be in this scene. Stop trying to steal the show with all your nature bull.
(Wendy skulks away in her childish, un-professional dungarees and leaves the bridge.)
(Another force rocks the boat, and another person falls over, for no real reason, and cries something about a broken arm. Another panel blows up.)
BRODY; Okay, that really doesn't make sense to me.
ORTIZ; If I'm reading my scans right, and I usually do, this shows that they're running out of sea bass…
LUCAS; Good. So we just wait for them to run out then.
ORTIZ; … but they have a full supply of cod.
BRODY; Bugger. Um… well, maybe we could fire back?
ORTIZ; Okay, we should try that.
(Ortiz enters a command, which still is just random typing, and we hear a launching sound.)
ORTIZ; Torpedo away.
NAZI DOLPHIN; Nooooooo! You do not realise the consequences of your actions.
PICCOLO; What does he mean by that?
BRODY; From the look on his face, I don't even think he knows that.
(We see the torpedo hit the dolphins, and they disappear in the explosion of bubbles.)
(The bubbles subside, but for some reason, one which will never be explained to us, the dolphins have grown, and doubled in their number. There is now one wearing sunglasses, and one smoking a cigar.)
BRODY; I don't think that worked somehow.
PICCOLO; How come shooting the damn things is never the answer? It's never that bloody simple is it?!
ORTIZ; Fraid not, buddy. So, now what do we do?
(One of the dolphins, the one with the cigar, rams the seaQuest, and laughs maniacally.)
(Another panel explodes, and Brody groans, and shakes his head.)
ORTIZ; We're taking on water… deck K.
LUCAS; How come it's always deck K? It's never deck F, or deck B.
(They seem to ponder over this for a moment.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; This is your last warning! Surrender now, or be destroyed… somehow. We're not quite decided on how we'd do that yet, but you know how these things go… we'd find a way.
(Ortiz has turned back on the communications.)
BRODY; Can I ask you a question?
NAZI DOLPHIN; Okay… I guess. Just don't take long… I have to be home at six. It's ten to now.
BRODY; What are you afraid of?
NAZI DOLPHIN; Well, for one… hey! Wait a minute! I saw right through your charade.
BRODY; Damn. Oh, well, it was worth a try. You can't blame a guy for giving it a shot, right?
NAZI DOLPHIN; I suppose not. After all, it is what you heroes are supposed to do.
ORTIZ; Can we get back to the ridiculous dilemma now? We're running out of budget money.
BRODY; It's all those darned exploding panels, that's what it is! Eating up our budget like a hot dog!
PICCOLO; I could go for a hot dog right about now.
ALL THREE; Tony!
PICCOLO; Sorry. But I did have a stupid idea.
ORTIZ; Well, what is it?
PICCOLO; Maybe we could defeat them with logic. I know that's not what we're all about on this boat, but these dolphins don't seem to be good friends with logic.
BRODY; (smiling) That's a damn good idea. It can't hurt to give it a shot.
ORTIZ; Yeah, but all the time we've been coming up with a solution, two crewmembers have gone into a coma, from being thrown across the room by those exploding panels.
BRODY; Oh, please! They jumped! They are stuntmen, after all.
(Ortiz nods in agreement.)
PICCOLO; Rightio then, I'll give it a go first, considerin' it was my idea an' all.
(Piccolo seems incredibly smug, but that's normal, so we'll overlook it.)
NAZI DOLHIN; Whatever you have planned, it'll never work! Mwahahahahaha!
PICCOLO; Oh yeah? Well, how do you explain your helmet? It doesn't have a chinstrap, so how is it stayin' on your head in the water?
(Nazi Dolphin writhes in what appears to be discomfort, but looks a lot like a computer-animated spasm.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; No! Stop! Nooooooooooo!
BRODY; Hey! Yeah! And if you're an Adolf dolphin, with a swastika helmet, how come you're speaking American, and not German?
(Nazi Dolphin squeaks loudly, and writhes again, and, as Piccolo stated previously, although there is no chinstrap, the helmet stays in place without a movement.)
LUCAS; And Eastenders is an English programme! Where are you from? You can't be from America, Germany and England!
NAZI DOLPHIN; Nooooooooooo! Stop the logic! The logic! Oh, the logic!
ORTIZ; How come you grew, and multiplied when we shot you with an armed torpedo? You shoulda been blown apart!
(The Nazi Dolphin explodes, and is no more.)
(Ortiz, Brody, Lucas and the others cheer quietly, and continue with their plan.)
LUCAS; Dolphin's can't smoke!
ORTIZ; And you're underwater! How is the cigar staying alight?
(The cigar dolphin writhes wildly, and then explodes too.)
BRODY; Why would a dolphin want to wear sunglasses? They can see with their echolocation!
PICCOLO; Yeah! And it's night, dummy!
(Like the other two, the sunglasses dolphin wriggles in discomfort, then is no more.)
ORTIZ; And as for the rest of you, you haven't even moved! I bet you're not even real!
BRODY; Why, you're just a load of glorified extras! None of you need to be there.
(The other dolphins begin writhing much like the Nazi, cigar and sunglasses dolphins did.)
LUCAS AND PICCOLO; And dolphins don't have torpedoes!!
(All of the remaining dolphins explode, rocking the boat slightly.)
(Ortiz, Brody, Lucas and Piccolo cheer loudly, and since the other crew always follow suit, they also begin cheering loudly, and give each other high fives, even though they weren't the ones who saved the day with a weird plan.)
BRIDGER; Oh, are the stupid dolphins gone?
BRODY; Yes, sir. We took care of them.
O'NEILL; Well, I hope you had fun, because here come the end credits.
LUCAS; Where?
Before anyone can reply to Lucas' innocent query though, the end credits come up, giving us some interesting information about dolphins going crazy, and we are left with a happy scene where all the dumb characters are not in camera view, the valuable characters are all in focus, and the Captain looks confused.
So, seaQuest has survived to fight another day, whilst providing great entertainment for the thousands of fans who have good taste.
We pan out, seeing the massive ship glide away, W.S.K.R.S. in tow, as the show always ends, and we make a grab for the T.V. paper to see what's on next.
CAPTAIN NATHAN BRIDGER; For god sakes! Shut up will you?!
COMMANDER JONATHAN FORD; I have a headache!
LIEUTENANT JAMES (JIM) BRODY; Yikes, who knew Henderson could scream like that?
CHIEF SENSOR MIGUEL ORTIZ; Jeez, Lonnie... it's just a spider!
ENSIGN LONORE (LONNIE) HENDERSON; I hate spiders! Get it away from me!
SEAMAN ANTHONY (TONY) PICCOLO; Somebody shut her up, please!
DOCTOR WENDY SMITH; I'll shut her up. I'm a woman... so it's okay for me to hit her after all.
LUCAS WOLENCZAK; Our saviour!
(smack!)
(Henderson cries loudly)
LIEUTENANT J.G. TIMOTHY (TIM) O'NEILL; Oh for god's sake... just get her out of here!
WENDY; I'll take her to med-bay... maybe give her a sedative.
BRIDGER; Thank you Wendy.
(Wendy smiles affectionately)
(Wendy drags Henderson off the bridge, and Bridger stares longingly after her)
BRODY; What a crybaby!
(crew laugh)
BRIDGER; Come on people, back to work.
ORTIZ; If anybody cares... no one's driving.
(crew panic, as people run about in frenzy)
FORD; Who's supposed to be driving?!
PICCOLO; Oops! That would be me!
(Piccolo runs to the helm and quickly starts to get the ship under control again)
(crew sigh in relief)
O'NEILL; How could you forget you were supposed to be driving?!
PICCOLO; Oh shut up, four-eyes!
O'NEILL; Hey!
PICCOLO; Want a fight? I could knock you out without even trying!
O'NEILL; Oh, pissen gehen!
(Ortiz and Brody laugh as they understood what O'Neill said)
PICCOLO; Huh? What the hell did you just say?
BRIDGER; Stop arguing damn it!
(loud alarm blares, deafening two members of crew who continue to ask people what they said)
FORD; Arggh!
BRIDGER; What the hell's going on now?!
ORTIZ; Umm... we're under attack, sir.
BRIDGER; From who?
ORTIZ; It looks like a large family group of... dolphins!
FORD; Not dolphins! Nooooooo!
BRIDGER; Calm yourself, Commander. We will prevail!
O'NEILL; Sir... I'm receiving a message... but I can't understand what it says.
BRIDGER; Put it through.
(O'Neill types in a command, and noises are heard over the loud speakers. It is similar to that of Darwin's whistles and clicks)
LUCAS; We need the vocorder. Lucky I have a portable!
(Lucas produces a small device from under his console, much to Ortiz's surprise)
BRIDGER; Thank you Lucas. Would you mind translating this please?
LUCAS; Sure. I can do that.
(the dolphin noises are slowly translated, and sound incredibly menacing)
FORD; ARGGH!!
BRIDGER; Commander, go away! You're annoying me with your unnecessary fear of dolphins!
O'NEILL; They sound angry.
PICCOLO; Well done, Einstein!
(O'Neill simply glares at Piccolo, who grins wildly)
DOLPHIN; Ve vant to… suck your blood! Oh, wait… that's vampires. You idiot!
BRIDGER; What are they talking about, O'Neill?
O'NEILL; I think they're arguing amongst themselves, sir.
ORTIZ; I can get a W.S.K.R. view, Captain.
BRIDGER; Do that then… do I have to tell you to do everything?
ORTIZ; Actually, sir, you do. You're the Captain, remember?
BRIDGER; So that's why I sit in this special chair.
(A W.S.K.R. view pops up on the main viewer, showing a large pod of very evil looking dolphins, one of which is wearing a Nazi helmet.)
FORD; Mommy!
(Ford runs off of the bridge, crying and calling for his mommy.)
ORTIZ; Ay carumba! What a baby! Anyway, sir, the dolphins.
BRIDGER; Oh, yes. Why is that one wearing a helmet?
LUCAS; I'll ask it, sir.
(Lucas speaks into vocorder.)
LUCAS; Why are you wearing a Nazi helmet?
DOLPHIN; Because my name is Adolf Flipper!
LUCAS; O-Kay then.
DOLPHIN; You will be assimilated! Resistance is futile!
BRODY; Talk about mixing your genres!
BRIDGER; What is it that you want from us? All we have is a very high I.Q., and a huge ship filled with expensive equipment, confidential top-secret files, and loads of big deadly weapons. What could you possibly want from us?
NAZI DOLPHIN; We want to kill you all! Mwahahahahaha!
BRODY; What's the point in that? They don't even have a motive! What a crap plot!
NAZI DOLPHIN; We do too have a motive!
BRODY; Bet ya' don't.
(Nazi dolphin frowns, and shows its teeth.)
BRODY; Ooh, scary. Bring it on, Flipper!
NAZI DOLPHIN; That's Mr. Flipper to you!
BRIDGER; Please, please, can we get down to the threats over our lives again please? That's what this show is usually about.
PICCOLO; This is a show?!
BRIDGER; Not now, Seaman. That's what we want them to think… they have no idea!
(Piccolo nods in understanding, and continues with his work.)
ORTIZ; Sir, I don't think you're gonna believe this, but one of them is opening a torpedo hatch.
BRIDGER; What do you mean 'a torpedo hatch'?
ORTIZ; Whadda ya' think I mean? A torpedo hatch! Something which launches torpedoes!
LUCAS; How come Darwin doesn't have any torpedoes? That would be so cool!
BRIDGER; Shut up, Lucas.
(Lucas sticks his finger up when the Captain turns his back on him, and Ortiz tries not to laugh.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; You will be destroyed!
BRODY; They're firing what appears to be a large sea bass, sir!
ORTIZ; Impact in six seconds. Five… four… three… two… one.
(A large force rocks the boat, and someone screams, whilst several stupid, nameless, dispensable crewmembers fall over when a panel explodes for no reason.)
BRODY; We should really get that panel looked at, Captain. It's always exploding.
BRIDGER; How dare you throw a fish at me, you darn twit! Why I oughtta blow you right outta the water!
NAZI DOLPHIN; Go ahead, Mr. Bridger. But you would going against all that which you stand for! Mwahahahahaha!
BRODY; Well, at least he laughs like a bad villain.
NAZI DOLPHIN; I heard that!
BRODY; Duh! You were supposed to!
NAZI DOLPHIN; You're really starting to cheese me off now!
LUCAS; Brie, or Edam?
PICCOLO; That reminds me, I'm hungry.
(Piccolo pulls a large hamper out form underneath his station, and pulls out a sub sandwich, and begins eating it.)
O'NEILL; O-Kay. Where the hell did that come from?
PICCOLO; For your information, I always keep a hamper under here, in case of emergency. And if you're following the plot, which doesn't make a hell of a lot of sense to me, you'll notice we are in an emergency. Okay?
(O'Neill nods. Apparently, they have reached an understanding if not a very good one.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; We have come to a decision… we want to take all of your valuable crewmembers. The ones worth pinching.
BRIDGER; So, you want me to come right over then?
NAZI DOLPHIN; You fool! Weren't you listening? I said the ones worth pinching, not the ones I wouldn't use for a basketball. Not that I know how to play basketball.
BRIDGER; (upset) So, which ones do you mean then? I can't see how anyone is more valuable than little ol' me.
(The crew frown at Bridger, and then turn their attentions back to the dolphins.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; Well, that bloke who keeps making fun of me for one.
BRODY; Cool, I'm valuable.
NAZI DOLPHIN; The one who spotted our torpedo hatch opening.
ORTIZ; Cool… what a minute… is this a good thing?
NAZI DOLPHIN; The one who translates our speech.
LUCAS; What is it with different species trying to take me away?
(Ortiz and Brody shrug.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; And finally, the one with the big sandwich. He seems funny.
PICCOLO; Oh, great. The dolphin likes me. How incredibly fantastic!
BRIDGER; That's not fair! Why not me? I'm valuable, and smart, and funny!
WHOLE CREW; No, you're not!
(Bridger remains silent for a while.)
PICCOLO; Can I bring my sandwich?
NAZI DOLPHIN; No. Don't be silly, it would get soggy.
PICCOLO; Right, that snags it… I ain't going now. If I can't take my lunch, I ain't going.
NAZI DOLPHIN; You have no choice, petty human.
PICCOLO; Oh, so now you're callin' me petty, huh? Bring it on fish-face! I'll sock you in the eye!
ORTIZ; Captain, what are we gonna do? None of us are exactly thrilled about going.
BRIDGER; (in a small childish voice) I don't care. I don't wanna be the Captain anymore. They don't think I'm valuable. You take care of it, if you're all so clever.
(Brody, Ortiz, Lucas and Piccolo frown, and think for a moment.)
ORTIZ; I'll cut off audio so they can't hear us.
LUCAS; Good idea. I'll… do something… like turn up the lights to 5600 degrees Kelvin.
BRODY; Lucas, this isn't killer plants, it's killer dolphins. It's completely… well, quite different. I don't think daylight is gonna kill 'em.
(Piccolo finishes his sandwich, and runs up to the station where Brody has gone to be near to Ortiz and Lucas, so they can plan something which will probably end up being so entirely simple and silly, that you all should have seen it coming from the get-go.)
PICCOLO; So, what're we thinking? Get 'em wet? Maybe they'll shrivel up.
(Brody slaps him lightly round the back of the head.)
BRODY; They're in the water, genius!
PICCOLO; Good point.
LUCAS; Are we sure daylight won't work?
ALL THREE; Yes!
LUCAS; Okay, so, no daylight then. Hey! I've got it! We should turn the lights off! They won't be able to see us!
ORTIZ; That could work.
BRODY; What are we… amateurs? We've fought off killer plants, big robots, gone to the future, saved the human race, encountered aliens, and so much more crazy stuff! We can think off something more amazing than a simple lights out!
(Brody seems to have just inherited the role of motivational speaker for the four.)
ORTIZ; God dammit, he's right! We need to think up something, and fast. It's gotta be wacky, zany, and have some sort of confusing back plot which no one knows about.
LUCAS; Good idea. I'll search the Internex.
(Lucas types away frantically, hitting keys in any old order, and when you take a close look, you see that what he's typing really doesn't make any sense at all, yet what is on the screen is apparently making a lot of sense.)
LUCAS; Okay, it says here that an attack on seaQuest by insane killer dolphins was snuffed by the writers in the first season, and they were going to be defeated by… huh, that's odd.
BRODY; What?
LUCAS; The document had been mysteriously, and somewhat suspiciously edited. We aren't allowed to get the answer that easy boys. I'm afraid we'll have to use that high I.Q. the Captain was talking about earlier.
PICCOLO; Darn, that's me out. It's up to you three. I'm not gonna make it!
BRODY; Don't be such a drama queen, Tony. You're not Lonnie.
PICCOLO; I see your point. Why do you always make so much sense?
BRODY; I don't know… I guess it's all just part of my kick ass character.
NAZI DOLPHIN; I am losing patience! Hurry up, or I'm going to miss Eastenders!
ORTIZ; What the hell is Eastenders? Some sort of insane ploy to take over the world?
LUCAS; Something like that. From what I understand, it's an awful British programme, one which they use to take over people's brains.
BRODY; Weird.
PICCOLO; Hey, I think I have an idea!
(They wait in silence for Piccolo to explain his idea.)
BRODY; Well, share! We're not psychic.
WENDY; I am!
ORTIZ; Get lost, Wendy… you're not supposed to be in this scene. Stop trying to steal the show with all your nature bull.
(Wendy skulks away in her childish, un-professional dungarees and leaves the bridge.)
(Another force rocks the boat, and another person falls over, for no real reason, and cries something about a broken arm. Another panel blows up.)
BRODY; Okay, that really doesn't make sense to me.
ORTIZ; If I'm reading my scans right, and I usually do, this shows that they're running out of sea bass…
LUCAS; Good. So we just wait for them to run out then.
ORTIZ; … but they have a full supply of cod.
BRODY; Bugger. Um… well, maybe we could fire back?
ORTIZ; Okay, we should try that.
(Ortiz enters a command, which still is just random typing, and we hear a launching sound.)
ORTIZ; Torpedo away.
NAZI DOLPHIN; Nooooooo! You do not realise the consequences of your actions.
PICCOLO; What does he mean by that?
BRODY; From the look on his face, I don't even think he knows that.
(We see the torpedo hit the dolphins, and they disappear in the explosion of bubbles.)
(The bubbles subside, but for some reason, one which will never be explained to us, the dolphins have grown, and doubled in their number. There is now one wearing sunglasses, and one smoking a cigar.)
BRODY; I don't think that worked somehow.
PICCOLO; How come shooting the damn things is never the answer? It's never that bloody simple is it?!
ORTIZ; Fraid not, buddy. So, now what do we do?
(One of the dolphins, the one with the cigar, rams the seaQuest, and laughs maniacally.)
(Another panel explodes, and Brody groans, and shakes his head.)
ORTIZ; We're taking on water… deck K.
LUCAS; How come it's always deck K? It's never deck F, or deck B.
(They seem to ponder over this for a moment.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; This is your last warning! Surrender now, or be destroyed… somehow. We're not quite decided on how we'd do that yet, but you know how these things go… we'd find a way.
(Ortiz has turned back on the communications.)
BRODY; Can I ask you a question?
NAZI DOLPHIN; Okay… I guess. Just don't take long… I have to be home at six. It's ten to now.
BRODY; What are you afraid of?
NAZI DOLPHIN; Well, for one… hey! Wait a minute! I saw right through your charade.
BRODY; Damn. Oh, well, it was worth a try. You can't blame a guy for giving it a shot, right?
NAZI DOLPHIN; I suppose not. After all, it is what you heroes are supposed to do.
ORTIZ; Can we get back to the ridiculous dilemma now? We're running out of budget money.
BRODY; It's all those darned exploding panels, that's what it is! Eating up our budget like a hot dog!
PICCOLO; I could go for a hot dog right about now.
ALL THREE; Tony!
PICCOLO; Sorry. But I did have a stupid idea.
ORTIZ; Well, what is it?
PICCOLO; Maybe we could defeat them with logic. I know that's not what we're all about on this boat, but these dolphins don't seem to be good friends with logic.
BRODY; (smiling) That's a damn good idea. It can't hurt to give it a shot.
ORTIZ; Yeah, but all the time we've been coming up with a solution, two crewmembers have gone into a coma, from being thrown across the room by those exploding panels.
BRODY; Oh, please! They jumped! They are stuntmen, after all.
(Ortiz nods in agreement.)
PICCOLO; Rightio then, I'll give it a go first, considerin' it was my idea an' all.
(Piccolo seems incredibly smug, but that's normal, so we'll overlook it.)
NAZI DOLHIN; Whatever you have planned, it'll never work! Mwahahahahaha!
PICCOLO; Oh yeah? Well, how do you explain your helmet? It doesn't have a chinstrap, so how is it stayin' on your head in the water?
(Nazi Dolphin writhes in what appears to be discomfort, but looks a lot like a computer-animated spasm.)
NAZI DOLPHIN; No! Stop! Nooooooooooo!
BRODY; Hey! Yeah! And if you're an Adolf dolphin, with a swastika helmet, how come you're speaking American, and not German?
(Nazi Dolphin squeaks loudly, and writhes again, and, as Piccolo stated previously, although there is no chinstrap, the helmet stays in place without a movement.)
LUCAS; And Eastenders is an English programme! Where are you from? You can't be from America, Germany and England!
NAZI DOLPHIN; Nooooooooooo! Stop the logic! The logic! Oh, the logic!
ORTIZ; How come you grew, and multiplied when we shot you with an armed torpedo? You shoulda been blown apart!
(The Nazi Dolphin explodes, and is no more.)
(Ortiz, Brody, Lucas and the others cheer quietly, and continue with their plan.)
LUCAS; Dolphin's can't smoke!
ORTIZ; And you're underwater! How is the cigar staying alight?
(The cigar dolphin writhes wildly, and then explodes too.)
BRODY; Why would a dolphin want to wear sunglasses? They can see with their echolocation!
PICCOLO; Yeah! And it's night, dummy!
(Like the other two, the sunglasses dolphin wriggles in discomfort, then is no more.)
ORTIZ; And as for the rest of you, you haven't even moved! I bet you're not even real!
BRODY; Why, you're just a load of glorified extras! None of you need to be there.
(The other dolphins begin writhing much like the Nazi, cigar and sunglasses dolphins did.)
LUCAS AND PICCOLO; And dolphins don't have torpedoes!!
(All of the remaining dolphins explode, rocking the boat slightly.)
(Ortiz, Brody, Lucas and Piccolo cheer loudly, and since the other crew always follow suit, they also begin cheering loudly, and give each other high fives, even though they weren't the ones who saved the day with a weird plan.)
BRIDGER; Oh, are the stupid dolphins gone?
BRODY; Yes, sir. We took care of them.
O'NEILL; Well, I hope you had fun, because here come the end credits.
LUCAS; Where?
Before anyone can reply to Lucas' innocent query though, the end credits come up, giving us some interesting information about dolphins going crazy, and we are left with a happy scene where all the dumb characters are not in camera view, the valuable characters are all in focus, and the Captain looks confused.
So, seaQuest has survived to fight another day, whilst providing great entertainment for the thousands of fans who have good taste.
We pan out, seeing the massive ship glide away, W.S.K.R.S. in tow, as the show always ends, and we make a grab for the T.V. paper to see what's on next.