Alone for the Holidays
"Pork chops, mashed potatoes with extra butter, and green beans to go," Doug said, reciting the order, pushing the large styrofoam container across the counter to the farmer who in turn passed a wad of cash to the other side.
"Thanks, Doug," Jack replied with a half-smile. "Seriously, you don't know how much I needed this tonight." He wasn't a bad cook himself, but Jack really didn't feel like cooking that night. Plus, Doug was a better chef than he was, so it was worth the money.
"You know… it's not for another hour, but you know that you're welcome to stay for the party tonight. It just don't seem right that you're taking your meal to go," Doug offered, slight sadness in his tone.
Jack looked around the bar of Doug's Inn. Festive decorations covered the walls and the tables, though they weren't completely set up yet. Cliff (likely roped into the chore by Ann) was still busy setting them up. The big room was empty, but it wouldn't be that way for long. As soon as the evening service at the church ended, the room would be flooded with townsfolk. It would probably be a good time with music, dancing, alcohol, and general merriment. And if the smells emanating from the kitchen were any indication, the food was going to be wonderful. Doug and Ann never disappointed on that front.
"It's tempting, but… no, I can't be here tonight," Jack answered, keeping his answer purposely vague. The less he had to explain, the better. "Thank you for the food… and Merry Christmas to you, Doug. To both you and Ann. And keep the change. I included a big tip in there."
"You're welcome. Stay safe tonight. Temperature's supposed to drop pretty low."
"I know. Got plenty of wood to keep the furnace and fire going," Jack assured him with a nod. "Again, Merry Christmas." He couldn't keep the conversation going, so he took his food and hurried out. "And Merry Christmas to you, Cliff," he said as he passed the other man, not waiting for a farewell in return.
Big, puffy snowflakes were falling, but that wouldn't last. From what the forecast predicted, the temperature was going to fall to the single digits and the snow would probably stop around then, But he didn't plan to be outside for any of that. For the time being, his thick, brown coat would keep him warm… for a time. Thankfully, he didn't need to be out too long. The animals had already been fed (and in the case of the cows, milked) and preparations had been made to keep the barn, stable, and chicken coop warm.
Get home, get fed, get warm, get away. That was the plan. And he had to get home before anybody asked him any more questions.
"Jack! What are you doing out here?"
Another question. But considering who was asking it, Jack was far from bothered. He looked over to see Karen and he couldn't help but smile. Like him, she was bundled up in the cold, wearing a grey winter coat, a long, blue scarf that wrapped around her neck, and a blue hat that failed to cover most of her long, brunette hair. She looked cold, her cheeks flushed with color, but that beautiful smile and those sparkling, emerald-green eyes shone through. She appeared to be carrying something in a large box. Jack didn't know what it held, but he assumed it was something for the party.
"Karen, hey…" He was happy to see her, as always, but it wasn't a good time. He wanted to get home with his food before it cooled off. "Just getting some food for tonight. I wanted to get home before the crowd arrives." He looked back at box she was carrying. "Party supplies?"
"Jack, can you please just tell me why you aren't coming to the party tonight?" she asked, ignoring his question as she set the box on the snow-covered ground. "If you really don't want to go, you don't have to, but can you please tell me something?"
"Karen, we compromised on this," Jack sighed, kneeling to place his food box on top of whatever Karen had brought with her. "We exchanged gifts yesterday, I had dinner with you and your family… I just want time for myself tonight."
"Yes, I know, but why?" she pouted, sticking her lower lip out. "It's Christmas. Nobody should be by themselves tonight."
"I…" He knew his request was odd, but he didn't feel comfortable talking to her about it… But he didn't want to upset her either. "Everybody makes a big deal about the holidays, but nobody celebrates the true meaning of-"
"Bullshit," Karen interrupted, calling out his lie. "I didn't see you at the afternoon sermon and you aren't at the evening one right now."
"Well… I'm not into organized religion?" That part was true, but it didn't change the fact that he wasn't giving her a good reason.
"Jack!" she whined, crossing her arms, but still smiling. "Just be honest with me!"
"I… I can't do that…" It wasn't the answer Karen wanted to hear, so Jack decided to go a different direction with it. "It's just what I do on Christmas. You have your traditions, I have mine."
"Yeah, well, our traditions are actually fun," she giggled. "What do you do? Just sitting alone in a dark room all night?"
"Something like that," he said, smirking slightly. "I don't do anything too crazy. All I want is to have some nice food, listen to some old music, and…" For a moment, he paused, thinking about whether or not he actually wanted to tell Karen or not, but he decided that there was no real harm in it. "And get plastered as hell."
"Wait, what?" Her eye lit up and her mouth fell agape. "You get drunk? You told me you don't drink. I never see you drink!"
That wasn't true. Jack would indulge in a glass of wine during special events, but that was it. In the past year, he drank maybe three glasses of wine at most, and Karen was probably around for at least one of them. But he didn't bother correcting her.
"I only get drunk on Christmas Eve, and really, it's the only tradition I have. And it's fun, so-"
"So, you just drink alone?" Karen's shock waned and her eyes saddened. "Jack, that's so depressing. Why not drink with friends? The bar serves alcohol, so-"
"That's not what I do. This isn't a group activity for me," he answered.
"But why?" Karen begged again, holding out her hands as if she was expecting him to literally hand her the truth.
"Look, I don't want to talk about it," he reiterated. "I appreciate your concern, Karen. Really, I do. But can you drop it, please?"
He hated upsetting her. He hated saying anything that would stop her from smiling. And she looked very conflicting, not wanting to give up, but also wanting to do right by him. Suddenly, she smiled again in a slightly mischievous way.
"Okay. You don't want to go to the party and you don't want to talk about your weird traditions. I can respect that. But how about this: what if I stayed with you tonight and we get drunk together?"
Admittedly, that sounded fun, but Karen still didn't get it.
"No, I want to be alone," he reiterated, though he sounded slightly conflicted and Karen picked up on that.
"So, be alone with me?" she asked, taking his left hand in her right. "Jack, you know I love to drink and even I don't drink alone. It's depressing as hell. Besides, I've never seen you drunk, so you can't deny me that."
Even though she didn't understand why he did what he did, drinking alone with Karen did sound like fun for a wide assortment of reasons. Perhaps he'd be losing the purpose what he was doing if he turned it into a night of frivolity like that, but he didn't want to deny her.
"Plus…" She brought her lips close to his ear, her hot breath beating against him with each word. "We can have fun together in other ways too if you want."
That also sounded nice. Being alone with Karen with wine and a roaring fire sounded nice. Far nicer than he felt he deserved. "What about the party? What about your friends? Your parents?"
"My friends have other friends. They'll be fine without me," Karen assured confidently. "As for my parents, I'll tell Ann to tell them. I'm sure they'll give me an earful tomorrow, but I'm an adult. I can do what I want, and I want to be with you tonight if you let me. On top of that…" She looked to the side, her confidence faltering slightly. "I really don't want to be around Rick tonight. When he drinks at these things, he tends to get a little emotional, and I really don't want to deal with that."
"Karen, I would like that, but-"
She didn't let him finish, cutting him off with a kiss. As their lips met, he felt a rush of warmth flood his body. He almost felt like taking his jacket off, he felt so hot, but he knew better. When Karen pulled away, she gave him a dreamy-eyed, intoxicated-looking grin, as if kissing him was like taking a shot.
"Just trust me on this," she implored, focusing her eyes again. "I'm gonna go in, drop off the supplies, tell Ann, and grab whatever food they already have made. You can wait in there or out here. Just don't go without me. Promise?"
Even if Jack tried to go without her, Karen would just show up at his house and he wouldn't have the heart to turn her away. Plus, even with mixed feelings on the whole thing, the carnal side of him wanted her to be there. "Promise. I'll come inside with you." He followed her into the inn, hoping that whatever followed would remain surface-level.
Karen loved everything about Jack's house. It felt very much like a cabin, the way it was built, with the living room and kitchen sharing a big room. He had recently expanded before the cold hit, adding a master bedroom, but that was one part of the house Karen had never seen… not that she'd have any objections if he wanted to show her.
That said, there was a certain loneliness about Jack's house. Maybe because it wasn't in the "neighborhood" with the rest of town. But the house had always been lonely. Mr. James, the old farmer who lived there before, always lived by himself and he died by himself without so much as a warning. With Jack living there by himself, a small part of her feared he was in for the same fate. She would hate to live there by herself, and drinking by herself there would be even worse.
Soon after they arrived, Jack stoked the flames in his fireplace and went out to check on the stables and chicken coop one last time before retiring back to his home. In the meantime, Karen had taken off her jacket, revealing a cozy purple, low-cut sweater. She was sitting on the couch by the fire and eating the potatoes, corn, and baked chicken she had taken from the inn. Good food from Ann and Doug, as always.
Keeping her mind off the loneliness of the house, she imagined what her parents would say to her when she saw them later that night. "Anti-social, promiscuous behavior," her mother would likely call it. She'd get over it, but it was still annoying that they expected an explanation from her. And really, none was warranted. Sure, not showing up at the party might be considered rude, but promiscuity? They had nothing to worry about with Jack on that front, even though they didn't believe her.
Not that they'd understand, she thought to herself. Then again, she hardly understood Jack.
Karen's relationship with Jack was… interesting, to say the least. They had been friends since he had arrived about a year ago, but things had changed in the last month, largely due to one major factor: Rick. She had been friends with him since they were kids and they had dated since they were teenagers. Despite their contrasting personalities, she loved him and the entire town expected them to marry one day. It wasn't like they had many other options anyway and she would have had a comfortable life.
The problem was that she and Rick fought, and not in a healthy way. They argued so often, sometimes about the most insignificant things, sometimes about major differences that they had. They were both instigating these fights and whenever things got unbearable, Karen would break up with him. But after a few weeks or months, they'd both calm down and get back together, briefly reigniting the honeymoon phase. It happened so often that everybody just came to expect it of them and that they'd eventually make it stick. Their breakup the month before was supposed to be more of the same.
But that's where Jack came in. One night in late November, she needed to get away from her mother who was criticizing her for breaking up with Rick again. Knowing that Rick was at the bar that night, she went to Jack's place and he let her stay for a movie night. From there… maybe it was because she was drinking. Maybe it was because she wanted to piss off her mother. Maybe it was because she was bored and wanted something different in that small town where nothing ever changed. But halfway through the movie, she started kissing Jack and he didn't hesitate to kiss back.
It went on like that for the past month and they kept it a secret, not telling friends, family, and especially not Rick. Though she brought Jack to dinner in place of Rick for the Starry Night Festival, much to her parents' surprise, they weren't officially dating or anything. They were just having fun and there was no reason to make what they were doing public. Gossip spread through town like wildfire and people would assume the most scandalous things, though that couldn't be farther from the truth. Jack wouldn't go any further with her than kissing. Not that she wouldn't mind going further with him, but he would always stop her from trying and she didn't know why.
The fact was that while she considered Jack a friend and enjoyed his company, she didn't know much about him. He was always amicable and he was the kind of guy who would make a hilarious joke when one least expected it, but otherwise, he was quiet. He never liked to talk about himself and preferred to listen, being an expert at dodging questions and redirecting conversations. Karen just expected and accepted it from him by then, but she was hoping that maybe drunk Jack would be a little more forthcoming.
"Everything's good out there. Just stupid cold," Jack said as he stepped back inside, a cold gust of wind blowing in as the door opened. He quickly took off his jacket and boots, revealing that he was dressed somewhat festive in his own right, wearing a green and red sweater with his usual jeans. Not wasting any time, he joined Karen on the couch. She smiled at his arrival, but her focus didn't break from the music playing in the background. It was a woman's voice that sang, but she didn't know who it was. Very atypical-sounding voice, but pretty nonetheless.
"I… I recognize this from somewhere… who's singing?" Karen asked as the soft music filled the fire-warmed home.
"Billie Holiday," Jack answered, sitting back down next to her. "Talented singer from long ago. Way before either of our time."
"No doubt… how did you even find music like this?" Karen asked, scooting slightly closer to him as he began to eat the food he had brought from the inn.
"I… no, my father used to have a bunch of old records that he got from my grandparents after they died. They were really old, but I used to listen to them from time to time. I wish I still had them, but…" Jack stared off into space for a moment before shaking his head. "I don't anymore. But I have them on my computer and a few CDs I burned, so I can still listen to them. Might try to find them on record someday, since Mr. James did leave behind an old record player. Something about the sound from a record is… it's nice."
"Huh, I see." Karen could see that there was more to the story, but Jack clearly didn't want to talk about it. Still, learning that he liked old music and record players… small victories. She'd take those. "So, this is really what you do? Like, all you do? Listen to old music and drink?"
"More or less," Jack answered. "I didn't have a fireplace until this year, though, so that's a nice addition. And I have you…" That soft smile of Jack's emerged on his face and it was difficult for Karen to keep herself from tackling him and spilling his food. "If you want, we can watch a movie, or-"
"No, I like this," she answered. "It's super low-key. Compared to what I normally do for Christmas, this is a nice change. But…" She moved even closer, her face inches from his. "We could do more if you want." She saw Jack smirk at the suggestion, but he also looked a little uncomfortable as his eyes shifted away from hers, so she backed off slightly. "I'm sorry, we-"
"Let's see how things go," he suggested, putting his food down on the end table and picking up the bottle of wine that sat next to the two glasses he had placed there earlier. "What do we drink to?"
"Um…" As much as Karen loved to drink, she was never good at thinking of good toasts. She never really liked to drink for any reason other than to have fun. But for Jack, she had a good idea. "What about to old Mr. James? If it weren't for him, you wouldn't be here. And we wouldn't have met all those years ago."
"Huh… that's true, isn't it?" he asked, nodding his head. "I like that. I really like that." He handed her a glass and raised the wine up. "To Mr. William James, for leaving me this farm and all the wonderful things that came with it. You've had a tremendous influence on my life and without you, I don't know where I'd be today." With that, they clinked their glasses and drank the first of many drinks that night.
Tremendous influence? Aside from giving Jack the farm, what kind of influence could Mr. James have had on Jack, who hadn't been to Mineral Town between that week in his childhood when he visited and when he inherited the farm? Another mystery. And damn it, she was intent on discovering it.
As the drinks kept pouring and the playlist of old music kept shuffling, Jack and Karen continued to talk, only being interrupted once as Jack added a new log to the fire. It didn't take long for Jack to get a light buzz. Even when drinking slowly and making sure he was getting enough water, he was a lightweight from never drinking otherwise, but that was okay. It felt good. It also felt good when Karen got restless and tackled him, trapping him under her and kissing him. He figured that would come sooner or later, so he ran with it. Wasn't what he was really expecting from the evening originally, but he'd take it. As Cab Calloway vocalized in the background, he figured that it was probably the best Christmas Eve he had ever had, but the bar wasn't all that high.
"You okay?" Karen asked, pulling away and catching her breath. Her hair was already getting messed up, but it made her look cuter in Jack's opinion.
"Yeah, yeah, I'm good," he answered, breathing heavily himself. Whenever they ended up making out, he found himself struggling to keep up with her.
"Okay, it's just… you don't seem like you're all here."
"Well, maybe," he admitted. "It's the alcohol. And the day, obviously. I like having you here, but this still isn't a good day for me, you know?"
"I don't…" Karen answered, trailing off as she looked sideways and slowly shifted off of him, back into sitting.
That did make Jack feel a little guilty. He was keeping her out for a reason, but she was clearly bothered by it. So, he decided to lighten the mood slightly. "You want another drink?"
"Hell yes," Karen answered, instantly being pulled from her seclusion with a brightened smile returning to her face. Without delay, Jack sat up and poured more wine for both Karen and himself, the last drops of the bottle disappearing from the glass. "Do you have any more? Because this isn't gonna last us long."
"Yeah, hold on." He stood up and walked straight for the kitchen, doing his best not to look too buzzed as he went. "Along with the farm, Mr. James left this last bottle of scotch whiskey for me. I absolutely hate drinks like this, but it's strong stuff." Along with the bottle, he also brought new glasses with him.
"Hey, I'll drink stronger stuff. Question is, can you handle it?" she asked, raising an eyebrow at him. "You might be even more of a lightweight than my dad, and that's quite the accomplishment."
"Please, I like to think I can outdrink Jeff," Jack laughed, sitting back down and pouring out more drinks for both Karen and himself. Once again, they clinked glasses and drank. The moment the drink touched Jack's mouth, his face scrunched up, much to Karen's amusement. "Oh God, why the hell do people like this stuff?" He looked over to see Karen, unphased by the taste as he was.
"Your face," she laughed, "you look just like Elli whenever she drinks anything. That alone was worth coming here tonight."
"Well, I'll get used to it. I swear, this stuff is why I don't drink."
"Really?" Karen asked. "The only reason?"
An awkward silence followed. He still wasn't comfortable enough to talk about that with her yet.
"Jack, I wish I knew more about you," Karen admitted, purposely blunt. "I've known you for, what, a year? But I feel like I don't know anything about you. Why is that?"
"I'm not that interesting of a person," he answered, shrugging. "Can't say that I lived a spectacularly exciting life."
"But you grew up in a city," she said, almost whining. "Surely, you've had far cooler experiences than I did. I've grown up with the same twentyish people all my life."
"I guess it's just a matter of perspective," Jack sighed. "Just because there are more people around you, that doesn't mean things are more interesting." He took another gulp of his drink, cringing again.
"So, why don't we make things interesting," Karen suggested, smiling slyly as she took another drink.
"Like a drinking game?" He shook his head. "Don't those usually work better with more than just two people?"
"Yeah, I was thinking that too," Karen agreed. "No, I mean, let's just drink and talk. But we can't ask any questions of each other that we can't answer ourselves. Fair?"
I don't know… Karen was far more of an open book than he was, so the "rules" seemed to favor her greatly. But in his buzzed state, he felt bad. She genuinely wanted to know more about him, so would throwing her a few bones be that bad? Besides, if he really didn't want to tell her something about himself, he could always just say no.
"Okay, I'll bite. What do you want to know?" he asked. Oh, I'm going to regret this?
"What's your favorite color?"
Huh, that's pretty tame. "Blue, I guess." He could have asked her the same, but considering Karen's preference for purple clothing, he just assumed that was hers. So, he went a different direction. "Favorite book?"
"The Catcher in the Rye. You ever read it?"
"Oh, I like that one too," he replied. Okay. So far, so good.
"When you first met me, what was your first impression?" Karen asked.
"You mean when we were kids or this year?" Honestly, he couldn't remember much of Karen from when they met all those years ago. It was so long ago that it felt like a dream to him. "First time I met you this year, it was at your parents' shop. I don't know if you recognized me at the time, but you asked your dad if I could be given a complimentary package of grass seed and you got angry when he was a little bit wary of that." He chuckled slightly, taking another sip of his drink. "Your kindness to me, a stranger, stuck with me. Also, I thought you were the most beautiful woman I had ever seen, but that's…" He didn't finish his thought as his cheeks glowed even redder than Rudolph's nose.
"Aww, Jaaack." Karen leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. "That's so cute."
"Ah, yes, cute, that's what I was going for," he chuckled without a scoff. "Just be glad that the first time I re-met you wasn't later that night when you got super wasted at the bar, or things may have turned out differently," he laughed.
"Oh really? What do you mean by that?" Karen asked, curious.
"No, no, no, it's my turn to ask the question," he adamantly interrupted.
It went on like that for a while. Most of the questions between them were innocent enough, so Jack figured that he had nothing to worry about. He kept drinking the scotch whiskey, growing more comfortable with the taste with every sip. The music changed to some sort of woodwind arrangement, but he was too drunk to identify it. But among the innocent questions, Karen finally sprung something a little more salacious.
"What was your first time like?" she asked so nonchalantly.
Lack almost choked on his drink. In hindsight, he should have seen this coming, so he tried to dodge the question. "That's presumptuous of you. How do you know I'm not a virgin?"
"Call it a hunch," Karen giggled. Though it was difficult for Jack to tell as his sobriety kept slipping from his grasp, she didn't seem drunk at all. The woman had an iron liver.
"Well, I thought it was great at the time, but it wasn't," he admitted, chuckling slightly at the time. "I was sixteen and it was at a party. I hadn't even had a girlfriend by then, but I ended up making out with Charity Higgins, we found a bedroom, one thing led to another, and…" That felt like so long ago, yet simultaneously, he could remember it so clearly. "She was cute. But she definitely lived up to her name, considering that she had a reputation for giving it away to pretty much anybody in need."
"Ouch. Wow, good to know that you have a healthy respect for women," Karen laughed.
"Hey, I don't judge. Though I do wonder what happened to her… Still, it was fun, but yeah, I definitely wasn't good."
"What, did you only last a minute?" Karen continued to tease.
"Fuck you, I wasn't that fast," Jack laughed, drinking a little bit more. "Even if I was, that was a long time ago. I'd like to think I know what I'm doing now."
"Oh, I don't know if I believe you," Karen teased, putting her drink down on the end table near her and crawling over to Jack on the couch, bringing her face close to his and almost climbing on top of him again. "Why don't you show me?"
Damn it, I need an excuse. He had one right away. "I believe it's my turn to ask the question. You're skipping your turn again."
"Ugh, fine." She did seem a little upset, but that seemed to go away when she sat back down and had another drink.
"What about you and Rick? What was it like?" Jack asked her. He assumed it had to have been Rick, given that he was pretty much the only guy in town her age when she was growing up and they had been dating for so long. He was also hoping that by talking about Rick, he would defuse the sexual tension she kept trying to stir up between them.
"It also wasn't good, but like you said, that's kinda to be expected, right?" Karen admitted, shrugging. "It did get much better. Rick definitely made up for any of his shortcomings with enthusiasm."
I made a mistake. Nothing against Rick, but Jack didn't want to think about his love life at all. But he kept those thoughts to himself. Thankfully, Karen didn't elaborate.
"I hate to change subjects, but I have another question about something you said earlier," Karen said. "You said earlier that Mr. James was a tremendous influence on your life. What did you mean by that? I mean, I know you kept in touch with him over the years, but you never visited between your vacation as a child and taking over the farm this year."
That was even more personal to him than his teenage sex stories, but Jack supposed nothing about it was too sensitive. "There's a lot to that story, so I'll keep in simple: things weren't always easy for me growing up. Mr. James couldn't do much to help, due to the distance thing and me not wanting to trouble him with my problems, but he was a consistent source of kindness. If I didn't have that in my life... " He shook his head and had another drink. He was really feeling the alcohol hit at that point. "I might not have turned out so decent."
"Wait, maybe I want the not-so-simple version of this story," Karen protested. "What was going on in your life at the time?"
"It's my turn to ask the question," Jack repeated again for the umpteenth time that night. "Why do you want to know so much anyway? Ever think that maybe I like to keep this stuff to myself for a reason?"
"Jack, you're my friend. I really like you and I like spending time with you, but every time I try to learn anything about you, you dodge me," she answewed, finally sounding upset in her voice. "I want to know about you: Why you keep to yourself so much, what was going on that made pen paling with Mr. James so important, why you choose to stay in and drink when there are people who care about you and would like to spend time with you. Why-"
"Or maybe you're digging where you shouldn't be," Jack answered. "You are my friend, but you're asking for things that I want- Is this why you wanted to do this? Wait until I get drunk and then try to get me to talk about things I normally wouldn't have?"
"You were going to drink anyway!" But Karen seemed to realize that that was the wrong thing to say. "No, listen, I'm sorry! I am curious, but- If I did anything wrong, I'm sorry. I-"
"No, I'm sorry. I should have known something like this would happen. I need a moment…" But that moment was lost to him. He didn't realize it until he stood up, but he was much more intoxicated than he thought he was. While he didn't pass out, he did black out for a little bit, at the mercy of his own reckless decisions.
When he woke again, his head was spinning and he couldn't figure out where he was. The last thing he remembered was telling Karen to back off about… something. It must have been a big deal or else he wouldn't have wanted to upset her. But he must have drunk too much. But where was he? Wherever he was, at least it was warm. And he could hear Bing Crosby, though just barely.
"Oh shit, you're awake!"
Karen? Jack opened his eyes, focusing Karen, who was gazing down at him. Beyond her was the ceiling and the heat and the light of the fireplace were coming from his left. Those details helped him orient himself where he was. He also figured out that he was wrapped up in a blanket.
"You okay?" she asked, smiling, but a little concerned. "You kinda freaked me out earlier."
"Just… what happened?" Jack asked, wiggling his arm free from the blanket and touching his forehead. "Why am I… what?"
"Well... " her cheeks pinkened and stifled a giggle. "You got mad at me for asking questions and you ran out into the snow, slipped, and fell into a snowbank. I got you up, brought you in, got you to drink a glass of water, got you to the bathroom, and then wrapped you up by the fire. You've been out for almost an hour."
"Shit, all of that? I-" He stopped as he continued to regain his senses. "Am… am I not wearing clothes under this?"
"Jack, you were soaked. I couldn't let you stay in your wet clothes, so-"
"You stripped me naked?" Jack burst, not angry with her, but agitated with the whole situation. "You couldn't just-"
"I wasn't going to leave you in freezing, wet clothes," Karen answered hotly, defending her decision. "Besides, you're still wearing underwear. I didn't see you naked or anything…" She smirked to herself. "Though I wouldn't have complained if-"
"This has been far more intimate than I would have hoped," Jack interrupted, forcing himself to sit up, but too unsteady to move from the couch.
"Be careful, you need to take it easy," she urged, touching his shoulder and urging him to lie back down, head in her lap. "But for what it's worth, you need to drink more often. You're a bit over the top when you're hammered and I love it."
"Hmm, glad you enjoyed the show." He wanted to comment about how his drinking wasn't for her entertainment, but he decided against it. She had helped him get warm and even if she upset him at times, he genuinely liked having her around. "But thank you. I'm sorry if I lost my cool earlier. It had to do with me being insecure about things."
"I know," Karen replied. "I just don't understand why you have to keep yourself so shrouded like this. Do you think I would judge you or something?"
"No, I know you wouldn't, and it's not that kind of story."
"Then what's the issue?" Karen pleaded.
"Because I don't need to bother you with my sob story and there are things that I like to keep to myself."
"So the answer is to sit by yourself and drink?" Karen asked, shaking her head. "I wish all the time that I could drink my troubles away, but I know it doesn't work like that. Clearly, you got stuff you need to work out, but you won't actually address it. It doesn't have to be with me, but is this how you want to spend every Christmas, Jack?"
"No..." He knew she wasn't going to stop asking, so he decided to just give in. It wasn't anything he talked about with anybody, but maybe that needed to change. "I'll tell you. I assume we can keep this between us?"
"Obviously," Karen agreed, nodding and giving him a quick kiss on the nose.
"Okay..." He took a deep breath and prepared himself to unbag all that he had been holding in. It didn't feel right, but he supposed that was normal after bottling it for so long. "When I first came here, that summer you met me when we were kids, things weren't exactly great with my family. At the time, we didn't have much money and my parents usually fought about that among other things. The vacation we took here was a last ditch effort on my parents' part to fix things." He smiled slightly, staring off into space. "The only reason the trip ended up being fun was because of Mr. James. Him letting me stay on the farm while my parents tried to get back on track with each other made for a great time… well, for me at least. But after we returned back home, things continued to fall apart. At first, to me as a child, I thought that what was going on was normal. But come Christmas… That's when my mom just left."
"Left?" Karen asked as if the word was foreign to her. "Like, she divorced your dad or-"
"Not even that. At least then, I'd have a clue about what was going on," Jack continued. "No, she just left. No warning, no goodbye, nothing. A few days before Christmas Eve, she just didn't come home. At first, my dad was frantic, but after a few hours of digging, he found out that she hopped on a train and left… I'm not sure how he figured it out. I think he might have had a friend who worked at the station or something. So, dad did what he always did whenever he was upset: hurt everybody else in proximity. He told me bluntly that my mother left us and that we weren't going to bother celebrating Christmas. He took everything back to the store, got his refund, and decided to spend all the money on alcohol instead… after that, we never celebrated Christmas. Even bringing up the holiday after that day pissed him off and he was already in a foul enough mood from then on out."
"Wow… do you know where your mother ended up?" Karen asked. "You ever find out why-"
"No, and I really don't give a shit," Jack interrupted, sounding slightly defensive in tone. "I understand why she left my father, but she abandoned me. As a kid, I thoughts he loved me, but… As soon as I accepted that she didn't want anything to do with me, I was better off, rather than worrying about the why of it all." Honestly, he hadn't even thought much about his mother in years, so even thinking about her then felt unfamiliar. "Really, things weren't as bad as they could have been. We never had much money, but I always had a place to stay. I always had friends. And I always wrote to Mr. James, though I never told him about what was going on. Didn't want to worry him and I was always told not to bother people with my family problems. But my father got worse after that."
"Worse in what way?" Karen asked.
"He became more of an asshole?" Jack answered, shrugging. "Thankfully, he was never physically abusive, but he threatened it enough. He was rarely around, either at work or getting drunk, but whenever he did talk to me, it was usually a drunken rant about how useless I was…" He shook his head, remembering why he hadn't said a word to his father in years. "Alcoholism is genetic, you know. You ever wonder why I don't drink much? That's why."
"Wow…" Karen's face fell further as she seemed to be hit with a wave of guilt. "Look, I'm sorry earlier when I said you should drink more often. I didn't know. I wouldn't have said that if I knew."
"Don't be sorry. Obviously, you didn't mean anything by it," Jack replied, smiling slightly. "I just don't want to do it too much."
"But why at Christmas? Why is this your cheat day?"
"Because in case you couldn't tell, Christmas sucked ever since," he answered. "Usually, dad would just spend the day getting drunk as hell and he'd go off on me if I so much as looked at him. So after my mother left, whenever the holiday hit, I had nothing to do. No family to visit, no friends to spend time with since they were with their own families, no presents, nothing. So, I spent the day in my room, waiting for it to end so life could go back to what I considered normal.
"But when I was twelve, I did something different. I was bored on Christmas Eve, sitting up in my room alone. So, I stole a bottle of wine from the liquor cabinet. Figured I might as well have fun if I was gonna be shut in. But I also brought up the old record player my dad never used and some of my grandparents' old records. I always liked the way those songs sounded. So old music and alcohol together… Not a bad combination. An easy way to pass the time and I didn't have to think about things too deeply when I was drinking. So, I did it the next year. And the next. And I kept doing it even when I moved out. Though I had to replace the record player with something more modern."
"Wow... Why couldn't you tell me that earlier?" Karen asked. "I mean, it's a lot, but-"
"Because I don't talk to anybody about this? Not my friends, not whatever remnants of my family I have left… I'm kind of surprised I even told you. I still don't know if I should have."
"Jack, I'm not going to tell anybody if you don't want-"
"I know you won't," Jack interrupted. "I'm not afraid of that. The thing is, this is super personal to me and while we've been friends, my other friends, both here and back in the city, don't know about this. I don't think I… I don't even know what we are, Karen."
"What... what we are?" she repeated.
"Look, this past month has been fun, but is it anything more than that? I know how this goes for you: you break up with Rick and you get back with him a few months later. Is this any different or do you still love him?"
That must have taken Karen off guard, as for once, she was at a loss for words. But Jack instantly felt guilty. Suddenly, he was going too far.
"I'm sorry, you don't need to answer that. That's your business. I just… I just don't think it was wise of me to talk about this. It's why I've limited how far we go too. I just gotta be careful about who I'm honest with. I don't want to let myself feel a certain way if there's nothing there, you know?"
"Feel a certain way… Jack, do you have feelings for… I'm sorry, you don't need to answer that. I'm sorry I asked-"
"I do," Jack admitted. "And if I were to do anything more with you, I know I would end up hurting myself. Hell, even the kissing is probably not good for me."
Jack…" Karen held him close, intensifying the warmth he was feeling by the fire. "I should have known. I wouldn't have pressured you about that if I had known…" The embrace lasted a few more seconds before Karen loosened her grip and distanced herself, despite the fact that Jack was still resting his head on her lap. "I won't lie to you: I still have feelings for Rick."
"I know," Jack replied. Even so, it still hurt him to hear her say that.
"But I also care about you, and more than just as friends," she continued. Her emerald-green eyes welled up slightly with tears, but she quickly wiped them away. "I'm sorry. That's not fair to you and it's selfish of me that I want to keep you here just in case I want…"
Another long silence filled the room, only disturbed by the crackling fire, the winds blowing outside, and the sound of Ella Fitzgerald's voice in the background.
"I think we need a break from this," Jack said, closing his eyes because he didn't like seeing Karen so sad. "I don't want to, but I know how I feel about you, but I think you need to figure out what you want."
"You're right," Karen agreed, though judging by the sound of her voice, she wished that wasn't the answer. "Would it be okay if I stay here tonight, though? I'll leave in the morning. Promise."
"Yeah, you should," he advised. "It's cold and icy out there. I'd walk you home, but I don't think I should be out there right now. I need to stay in and sober up so I can get my work done on time tomorrow."
"Right…"
Enjoying the warmth and comfort that Karen offered, Jack began to fall back asleep, enjoying what little time with Karen he had left before reality resumed, but he opened his eyes again when she touched his cheek.
"Jack, one more thing," Karen said, her voice soft and only slightly louder than the sounds of the background noise. "Regardless of what happens with us, I hope you know that this isolation doesn't have to be your tradition anymore. You have friends in this town that care about you. I care about you…"
"I know… Thank you." He didn't need Karen to tell him that, but hearing her say that seemed to put things in perspective for him. Isolating himself seemed like a silly thing to do, now that he was miles away from his father. Perhaps he was afraid that stepping outside of his comfort zone around the holidays would remind him of the pain he felt in his broken family. That might indeed be the case, but with being honest with Karen about the whole thing was surprisingly liberating. Maybe the final thing he needed to do to be free from his past was to step out of the shadows.
"Merry Christmas, Karen." They brought their lips together for one last kiss. It wasn't as steamy as their makeout session earlier, but it somehow meant more. Maybe it was because it was the last kiss they'd share for a while, if not forever. When they separated, he began drifting back to sleep, comforted not by the alcohol, nor the fire, but by the fact that he knew that while things weren't always perfect or easy, he no longer had to take shelter in a tradition of isolation. That alone was the best gift he could ask for.