The Return of the Jedi-Dumbass
THERE IS GREAT TURMOIL FOR THE REBELS.
HYDE CONFESSED HIS LOVE FOR DONNA,
CAUSING HER TO THINK TWICE ABOUT
HER FEELINGS FOR ERIC.
ERIC IS TOTALLY CLUELESS AS FAR AS THE
MATTER GOES, AND SURELY THERE WILL BE
TROUBLE AHEAD FOR HIM AND HIS SAUCY
REDHEAD.
MEANWHILE DAVID MILLBANK PLOTS REVENGE,
HYDE CALLS ON AN OLD FRIEND, AND FEZ
ONCE AGAIN VIEWS HYDE AS HIS HERO…
Hyde finished folding the blanket he'd used to sleep and threw on his Rolling Stones Tour '75 t-shirt. Donna had left hours ago; unaware of her dream dazed mumblings. He had decided to keep the whole mess a secret, no matter what the cost.
'It never leaves this room.' He said to himself.
Hyde started up the stairs to the kitchen, but Laurie, who was coming down met him halfway.
"Well, good morning orphan." Laurie smirked.
"Morning whore." Hyde shot back.
"Oh, I wouldn't get snotty if I were you Hyde," Laurie began. "I know what you've been up to."
"What are you talking about?"
"Oh, I know everything that you've been hiding."
Laurie pushed him down on the couch and sat beside him with her legs curled up under her. Hyde kept his cool and maintained his innocence."I haven't been hiding anything," he said.
"Well, first of all there's the constant marijuana use, then there's the beer you stole last week from Daddy's fridge…" Laurie started.
"So, what do you want, a cut?"
"Oh I'm not finished." Laurie laughed.
"Oh yes you are," Hyde insisted.
"Let's see, drugs, alcohol, oh yes… sex." Laurie smirked evilly.
Hyde went pale, could she possibly know about him and Donna? Want would he have to do to keep her quiet, maybe she was bluffing.
"What sex?""Cut the crap, I saw Donna sneak in here last night and out this morning. How stupid do you think I am?" Laurie asked.
"You really don't want me to answer that." Hyde laughed.
"Shut up orphan. I'm pretty sure you don't want Eric to find out about your little fling with his girlfriend, do you?"
"What do you want Laurie?" Hyde asked knowing he wasn't going to like her answer.
Laurie smiled at him, laughed and put her hand on the back of his neck. She forced him to her and kissed him with all her fury. He pulled away and gave her a look of shock and slight nausea. She just gave him a twisted smile.
"Oh Steven, you know exactly what I want."
"Oh no. Is that all you ever think about?" Hyde taken aback by her complete lack of moral fiber.
"Yeah, I guess." Laurie shrugged.
"Why me?"
"Kelso has been such a whiner lately, frankly I'm bored with him. I figured you'd be a change of pace."
"You are such a whore!"
"Shut up slave, you'll do what I say or brother Eric will find out about your little adventure in back-stabbing."
"Fine, tell him. I don't care." Hyde bluffed.
Laurie paused; this reaction was quite unexpected.
"You are so full of shit."
"You think I give a fuck how Eric feels? Obviously not if I slept with Donna," Hyde lied, more convincingly than ever.
"Dammit, you are no fun!" Laurie yelled, frustrated and angry she stomped away.
'Still got it,' he said to himself.
"I'll get you Steven Hyde, I swear!"
"Ooh, and my little dog too?" Hyde asked, laughing madly.
"Errrrrrrrrrrrr." Laurie growled as she ran upstairs.
Laurie hadn't been able to threaten Hyde since grade school; he was too much smarter than she was. This wasn't the first time she'd put the moves on him either. He just couldn't stomach the idea of him and Laurie together, at
all. He shuddered at the thought and headed up the stairs again.
What a way to start the day.
During breakfast Laurie was chillingly silent. Hyde looked up at her occasionally to flash a devious smirk, leaving her quite speechless. After the meal of waffles with syrup, Hyde decided to take a walk. He had no preconceived destination, but just wanted to escape the house. He left with the idea of some alone time to contemplate his mixed up life. Unfortunately his walk didn't go as planned. Half way up the block Fez caught up with him and decided to tag along.
"Hello," Fez said, way too chipper for Hyde's mood.
"Hey Fez," Hyde said, rather unenthused.
"So how are things with Donna?"
"Man, I really wish you wouldn't ask."
"I already did."
"Well, she loves Eric. That's settled."
"Too bad, my friend." Fez sympathized.
"Yeah, but I should have just stayed out of it. I've fucked it all up now." Hyde hung his head.
"It is her fault too. It takes two to disco Hyde," Fez added.
"I got her high first, I'm a bad, bad person."
"So what are you going to do?"
"I don't know man."
"If you tell Eric…" Fez was cut off. Hyde interrupted with, "I'm not gonna tell Forman. If he finds out he'll never forgive Donna. She loves him man."
"I see."
"And I love her, so I want her to be with Forman, I want her to be happy."
Fez just stopped dead in his tracks. His anarchist friend had just used the term love, and meant it fully.
"You are not a bad person Hyde."
"Yeah I am."
"No, bad people cannot love."
"Fez… you are such a weirdo." Hyde laughed.
They walked for awhile longer, quietly until Fez broke the silence. "So, are you going to help me steal Jackie from Kelso?"
"Sure man, he's a whore. I feel strange saying this about Jackie, but she deserves more. You Fez, you're a good guy."
"You really think so?"
"Sure you are odd, but you are pretty far out."
"That means a lot… man." Fez attempted.
"Don't say that, that's my word." Hyde said in a semi-serious tone.
"Sorry." Fez hung his head.
"It's cool man."
Donna sat on her bed leafing through the pages of her notebook. She examined paragraphs from unfinished stories, throwing most of them out. She put the others in piles, very likely to be thrown out at a later date. Quite often when she got bored or was cursed with writers block, she'd blast her
stereo and read one of her old stories. This time she did it just to get her mind off of her troubles.
She had been writing a lot lately, during times of stress and turmoil she was inspired. She'd written four short parables in the last two weeks, a new record for her. These sat in four separate stacks in front of her as she debated whether to throw them out. There was a faint knock, Donna turned
down her stereo then got up to answer her door. Tina peeked in, she had decided to leave her room this week.
"Hey Teeny," Donna said, greeting her sister.
"Hey Dee," Tina replied.
"So what brings you out of your cave?" Donna asked, she made a motion for Tina to sit on the bed.
"I just thought I'd come and see if you are okay."
"I'm fine, why?"
"Well, that's the twelfth time you've played 'Paint It Black' since lunch." Tina laughed.
"Really, I counted eleven."
"Seriously though, how are you?" Tina looked up at her with sweet eyes.
"I've just got a lot on my mind."
"Oh. Can I read your new stories?" Tina asked looking down at a page titled 'On that very couch'.
Donna snatched the story out of her eyeshot. "Not that one, but you can read the others."
Tina, of course, became very interested in the content of the couch story but decided it was safer to examine the other tales instead. She read each title aloud. "Let's see; 'What once was love', 'Long, cold walks', and 'Poems to a foreign boy'. Tina raised her eyebrow at the last title.
"Is this one about me?"
"I don't know, have you been writing to any foreign guys lately?" Donna smirked.
"Maybe." Tina blushed madly.
Donna laughed at her crimson sister.
"When did you read my poetry?"
"You left your diary open on your bed last week and I happened to wander into your room," Donna replied.
"How much did you read?"
"About a sentence, just enough to know it was for Fez."
Tina giggled at the mention of his name, and then she had an idea. "Would you like to read my poetry?" Tina asked.
"Yeah, that'd be great. You never share your work with me."
Tina ran off to her room and grabbed her diary; she then rushed back and
leaped onto Donna's bed.
"Can I read your diary too Donna?"
"I don't keep a diary Teeny, you know that."
"Well can I read your story then, the one you took away from me?"
Donna thought for a moment, she did need someone to talk to. Tina was always
good at keeping things quiet.
"Okay, but I'll tell Fez about your poems if you tell anyone about my story."
Tina agreed and they traded secrets.
Eric sat in the living room watching 'Petticoat Junction'; his life was so much more boring without Donna around. Normally he'd turn to his friends instead of the television but Hyde ran off right after breakfast, and Kelso and Laurie ran him out of his basement. There was a knock at the front door and Eric rose from the couch to answer it. He was hoping it was Donna, but he couldn't have been more wrong.
It was David Millbank. Eric's rival stood in the doorway with a bandage on his nose and an evil
smirk on his face.
"What are you doing here?" Eric asked with a chill in his voice.
"I'm here for your apology."
"Apology! Why should I apologize to you? Because of you I lost my girlfriend, she won't even speak to me and it's all because I was trying to keep you off of her!"
"Oh shut up, she wants me and you broke my nose so she dumped you." Millbank snickered.
"That's bullshit."
"Your jealous, admit it."
"Fuck off."
"I'm going next door tomorrow, do you want me to tell Donna you said hi?" Millbank said.
Eric slammed the door in David's face.
"You're going down Forman!" Millbank shouted through the door.
Eric stomped down the basement stairs in a fit of anger. As he reached the bottom of the steps he saw Kelso and Laurie pawing each other on the couch. This sickening display pushed him over the edge.
"Get out!" Eric yelled.
"No." Laurie held her ground.
"Out, now!"
"Come on Forman, where else are we supposed to…" Kelso was cut off.
"I don't give a flying fuck where you go, just get out of my basement or I swear…"
Nobody had ever seen Eric Forman with such rage in his eyes, simply because it had never been there. Laurie was certain that he had found out about Hyde and Donna. What else could possibly push him this far? She was a bit worried about her brother; he obviously needed someone to talk to right now. She suppressed the hint of emotion and carried on with her whoring. She grabbed Kelso by the shirt collar and dragged him up to her room.
Eric sat on his now soiled couch still unaware of the other betrayals carried out on it. He looked down at his feet and started to give up hope. With the loss of hope came the tears, but he tried in vain to stifle them. All he needed now was the reputation of being a wuss.
"This poetry is excellent Tina, how come you keep it to yourself?" Donna asked he sister.
She received no answer.
Donna looked up at Tina to see her staring back, wide eyed, unable to speak.
"Teeny?"
"You didn't," Tina said.
"Didn't what?"
"The story Donna, did you…how could you…with…Hyde?" Tina struggled with the words.
Donna sighed heavily.
"Yes, you are the only one who knows."
"Why?"
"Why… I just don't really know. It just happened I guess," Donna spouted the world's lamest excuse.
"But you love Eric, right?"
"Yes."
"Then why would you even think of doing…"
"I didn't think. That's the point, like I said, it just happened." Donna put her head in her hands. Tina sat closer to her sister and patted her back. "It's okay Dee, it'll work out in the end. It always does."
"No, not this. The worst possible thing that a person could do in a relationship and I did it." Donna pouted.
"Everyone makes mistakes, Eric will forgive you, he will understand."
"Why would he?"
Tina stopped and started to sob. "Because he has to, that's love. There has to be love. Why are we living if there is no love." Tina hugged her sister tightly and cried in her arms. "You and Eric are the last hope for love Donna." Tina began, "Mom and Dad are always fighting, I just know they are going to get a divorce. Kelso is cheating on Jackie…"
"You know about Kelso?"
"Oh, everyone knows about Kelso," Tina said matter-of-factly.
"It's alright Tina, it's out there. Sometimes it's just hard to find."
"Not for you, it was right next door. I'll never find it"
"Sure you will, now cheer up, okay?"
"I can't." Tina sniffled and wiped her eyes.
"Try, please, before I cry."
Tina stopped her sobbing.
"That's better." Donna smiled.
Tina looked at Donna and tried to smile as well.
"I just have on question." Tina said.
"Really, what?"
"Why Hyde?"
Donna laughed; she leaned back on her pillow and smiled. "It's funny Tina, but Hyde told me that he loves me. I guess that's why. He was probably lying though, to get me into bed."
"No, I'd imagine it is true," Tina said.
"Why do you say that?"
"Because, even Hyde needs somebody like you."
The next day Fez and Hyde sat on the basement couch. Hyde was writing something on a piece of paper and Fez just sat there listening to the stereo. Hyde was almost finished with his letter when he was interrupted by a strange sound. Fez mumbled along with the music, unaware that he was doing so out loud.
"American woman, gonna mess your mind…" Fez sang.
Hyde started laughing, more at the accent then the quality of his singing. "American woman, gonna mess your mind…" Fez continued.
Hyde almost burst into tears trying to contain his laughter, but he managed to hold it until the chorus.
"American woman, stay away from me. American woman, mama let me be…"
Hyde couldn't hold it anymore; he burst out laughing and startled his air-guitaring foreign friend.
"What were you just doing man?" Hyde asked between giggle fits.
"This song reminds me of Jackie," Fez said honestly.
"Never thought I'd hear Foreigner do a cover of that song"
"Ha ha." Fez quipped back.
"You really have a thing for her, don't you?" Hyde said.
"Yes, she is the treasure of my heart."
"Man, that is truly sad. Why Jackie?"
"I don't know, it just hit me one day, she is beautiful and sweet, and she does this cute eye-roll thing whenever Kelso talks."
Hyde shuddered, "She is also shallow and self absorbed."
"I can change that."
"She's in love with your friend."
"That didn't stop you."
"Okay, fair enough. You do know how badly Kelso can kick your ass, right?" Hyde said.
"Unfortunately, yes."
Hyde laughed. Fez was the kind of guy who actually knew what he wanted and fully intended to go for it. Steven Hyde could only wish to be as clear minded as his friend; to have the will to risk all for the one he loved. Hyde had for one brief moment exactly what he wanted in life, Donna Pinciotti.
For two and a half, beautiful days she was his. Now all he could think of is how he had ruined Donna, and his entire life in Point Place.
"Fezzy man, I can't do it."
"Cannot do what?"
"I can't help you steal Jackie away from Kelso. The whole thing with Donna and me just fucked everything up. I won't be a part of it."
"Congratulations my friend," Fez said with a proud grin.
"Huh?"
"You have learned from your mistake."
Hyde came to the realization that Fez was teaching him a lesson.
"So, you never wanted me to help you?"
"No, if I wanted to steal Jackie I could do it myself," Fez said.
"You, you're wise. Like Obi-Wan, man," Hyde said.
"I know."
The Pinciotti family, minus Tina, sat at the kitchen table again silently eating breakfast. Midge was not speaking to Bob and Bob was not speaking to Midge. Donna was not speaking to either of them because they were both acting like idiots, and she wanted to kick their asses but she couldn't. The
sounds of forks scraping to porcelain plates were wearing on Donna's nerves. Just as she was about to burst there was a knock on the front door. Donna ran to answer it.
"Please be Eric, please be Eric." She chanted in her head.
She opened the door and there stood David Millbank, smiling smugly and leaning with one arm in the doorway vainly trying to look sexy.
"What are you doing here?" Donna asked.
"Can't a guy visit his friend?" Millbank said.
"Friend, you're not my friend. You never were."
"I just thought maybe you wanted some company, since you and Eric are in a rough spot."
"Go away." Donna said flatly.
"Oh come on Donna, I thought you liked me." Millbank said, trying to be smooth. He put his hand on her shoulder.
"You lied to me. I thought you were a nice guy but you were just trying to get into my pants." She knocked his hand away and he pulled her outside and closed the door behind her.
"You know, I am really sorry about that. I wanna be your friend but I can't help but look at you as more," David said.
"You lost your chance, now get over it and leave." Donna was pinned in the doorway.
"I would but I got the most interesting phone call this morning, from Laurie Forman."
Donna turned pale.
"She says you and Eric's little friend had a fling in the basement." Millbank laughed.
"She lied. I didn't sleep with Hyde," Donna said.
"I never said it was Hyde."
"Fuck off, nothing will ever happen between me and you get the fuck away from me now," Donna yelled.
David Millbank grabbed the back of her neck and forced her to kiss him. She struggled and tried to scream but her cries were stifled by Millbank's tongue. He pushed her up against the door, holding her by her throat. Finally she managed to kick him in the groin. David slapped her face and
whispered hotly into her ear.
"This isn't over. I know when you sleep and when you take your long walks around town. You are lucky your parents are home."
"Let me go," Donna stammered.
"I'll be here next time you are alone, when there is nobody to protect you, I'm always watching."
He kissed her hard on the cheek and simply walked away.
A cold chill crept up Donna's spine as he left. Truly frightened, she hurried into the house and ran past her parents. Looking out of her bedroom window she saw Millbank standing three houses away, staring at her. A wave of nausea swept over her and she grabbed the wall to keep from collapsing.
"Steven, you have a phone call," Kitty yelled down the basement stairs. Hyde ran up to the kitchen, nearly tripping over his own feet.
"It's long distance so keep it short," Kitty said.
"Thanks Mrs. Forman." Hyde took the phone from her.
Kitty left Hyde alone so he could talk in private.
"Hello?" Hyde said.
"I got your letter, why the rush to leave Point Place?" asked the female voice on the end of the line.
"It's a long story, I really just need to get out of everyone's way," Hyde answered.
"So you want to move in with me and be in my way instead," The voice teased.
"Just temporarily, until I get on my feet."
"That's fine with me, we have room here. If you don't mind sleeping on the floor."
"Anything right now. I just need to go before the shit hits the fan. It's better this way, for everyone."
"How are you gonna get here?"
"I'll take the bus, I have a few bucks saved up."
"Enough to get to New York?"
"No, but I'll hitch-hike the rest of the way."
"That's not very smart, Hyde."
"Neither is driving cross-country on a motorcycle."
"Fair enough. I guess I'll see you soon then."
"Yeah, thanks for everything Chrissie."
"Don't mention it."
"Bye."
Hyde turned around to find Eric standing behind him.
"You're leaving Wisconsin?" Eric said.
"Yeah." Hyde hung his head, "How long have you been standing there?"
"Long enough. What shit?"
"Huh?"
"You said you had to leave before the shit hits the fan, what shit Hyde?"
"No shit. There is no shit." Hyde left out the sliding glass door. He hoped that Eric it would drop the conversation, but instead he followed him.
"Hyde, you've been keeping something from me, I know it. The last few days you have been acting even more psycho than usual."
"No, I just… I'm just leaving."
"You can't leave Hyde, we need you."
"You're not going to talk me out of it again Forman! Just shut up and let me live my own life."
"You are really pissing me off Hyde."
"I'm pissing you off!"
"You only get this offensive when you are keeping something from me."
"You know what I'm keeping from you; you have been fucking up my life ever since second grade. You created my entire reputation as a trouble maker, you talked me out of going to New York with Chrissie, you stole the one girl I could ever love, and you forced your parents to adopt me when my mom left."
"Wait a minute, I stole your girlfriend? When was that?"
"That's not what I meant."
"You better not be talking about Donna!"
"What if I am, what if I love Donna?"
Eric balled up his fists keeping them at his side; he glared at Hyde fiercely.
"Take it back," Eric said through clenched teeth.
"You're not the only person in the world who can love her Forman, as long as you two are together other guys are gonna be after her. That's just something you have to live with."
Hyde began to stomp away but Eric jumped him while his back was turned. Suddenly they were on the ground; Eric sat on Hyde's chest and punched him in the face. Hyde was stronger than Eric was, and he always had been.
Refusing to fight, Hyde threw Eric off of him and tried to walk away. Eric didn't back down; he tried to pull Hyde to the ground again.
"Forman this is stupid, just stop it before I have to hurt you," Hyde said between grunts and snarls.
"Hurt me! You think you haven't already hurt me!
"You're being a whiner."
"You better take it back, she's mine, say you don't love her."
Hyde punched Eric to the ground, one hit and he was down. Eric looked up at Hyde, blood steaming from his nose.
"I thought you were my best friend, but you're just an asshole Hyde."
"Forman, you are not the center of the universe. Donna is a human being, not a possession, or a trophy. Stop being an immature little boy and start acting like a man "
And with that, Hyde walked away, leaving Eric to sulk in his bloodied state.
Fez tossed and turned in his bed, after a year of living with his host family he was still unaccustomed to his sleeping arrangements. He stared at the ceiling vacantly, thinking of what he had said to Hyde about Jackie. That she was the treasure of his heart. He would never admit it but it was true, she was very appealing. Finally he drifted off to sleep…
In Jabba the Hutt's Palace, Tatooine.
The party atmosphere of Jabba's Palace had died down. All that could be heard was the sounds of a giant slug-like creature snoring and the light footsteps of a princess in Boussh bounty hunter gear. Princess Leia crept slowly up to the Carbonite holding cell, knowing that the slightest noise
would end in certain doom. She adjusted the dials on the holding cell until it slowly melted, revealing a very cold Han Solo.
"Relax, you are free of the Carbonite."
"I'm blind!"
"Shhhh, you'll wake the Hutt."
"But I can't see!"
"You have Carbonite poisoning," she began. "This very thing happened to a good friend of mine and her eyes came back to normal within a few hours."
"Who are you?"
Still in bounty hunter regalia, Leia's voice was disguised and therefore unrecognizable to the shivering Solo. She removed her helmet to explain.
"Somebody who loves you."
"Laurie?"
"Michael, it's me! Your girlfriend!"
"Oh, Jackie, yeah, that's what I meant."
Kelso looked down at his outfit with blurry eyes.
"Alright! Finally I get to be Han!" Kelso said with too much enthusiasm. There was a disgusting guttural laugh from the corner; Jabba was awake.
"Michael, you idiot you woke up the slimy guy! That's it I don't want to be in this dream any more!"
"Jackie, wait!" Han yelled.
The Princess stomped away only to be stopped at the door by a couple of hairy looking guards. They promptly took her away to be fitted for her slavery.
"Mebo woshal nowor cheno. Bajaa notot locha." Jabba said.
"Huh?" Kelso replied.
A droid next to the pile of puss translated for our dumb-ass friend. "He said that your girlfriend now belongs to him. She is now a slave among many."
"Well there's still Laurie…"
"Kawa laurie woche no moro tendo, muahahahaha," Jabba cackled.
"Jabba says; Laurie is a whore and will belong to no man, mua-ha-ha-ha-ha," The droid translated, complete with mechanical laugh.
"Okay, what about Pam Macy?" Han asked.
"Docho lomera pammacy no sonna."
"He said; don't get him started on Pam Macy."
"Well damn! Then what am I supposed to do?" Solo whined.
"Rotte me poran la cheru Solo!"
A group of guards started to drag Han away.
"Wait, what did he say?" Kelso screamed.
"Jabba says; rot in the hell that you have created."
"Nooooooooooooooooooo!" Han-Kelso cried as he was carried throughout the dark corridors of Jabba's cave.
When light broke on the Palace, the party was again in full upswing. Jabba was showing off his new slave to the room as she sat uncomfortably in a shining, gold, bikini-like outfit and a heavy chain.
"This chain could damage my neck, I may never cheer again!" The princess cried. She sulked as she watched the partygoers. Everyone was there… including a very pimpish Boba Fett.
"Hello ladies." Fett said to Jabba's dancing girls.
"Hi!" The girls said in unison, swarming around him like drunk, slutty cheerleaders.
"We love your uniform!" The dancer with the purple skin fawned.
"Why thank you, this suit is for bounty hunting. But sometimes I wear it to get down to business." All the girls sighed, and nearly passed out.
"Dance with us, please!" The girls pleaded.
"My pleasure." Fett replied.
Jabba watched them dance with jealous spite, he hated to have his girls swoon over Fett like crazed sex monkeys. If Boba were not his best bounty hunter he would be excluded from all party activities.
"Nolchnu! Dana, dana me girey!" The Hutt growled.
(Loosely translated: 'Enough! Dance, dance my slave girls!')
"My apologies Jabba, I just wanted to display them like flowers…"
"Sotto whorea lowrot, nome slava princessa noda usegee." Jabba offered. (Translation: 'If you want a whore take the princess, she is useless as a slave.')
"A bounty hunter, he is so not an option," Jackie whined. Jabba fumed, "Domea! Mochew loka Bantha fodder!"
(Translation: 'Silence! Go with him or you are Bantha fodder!')
"I assure you, princess that with me you will be worshipped like the goddess that you are," Fett said, his sultry accent muffled by his helmet.
"Can I at least see your face first? You aren't disfigured or anything right?" The princess asked.
The bounty hunter removed his helmet, underneath was our favorite foreigner, Fez.
"Yay, you are human!" Jackie squealed.
"Would it matter if I were a hideous freak?" Fez asked.
"No… do you think I'm shallow?"
(Silence)
"Well?" The princess grew more and more impatient.
(Silence still)
"I guess I'll go with you, anything's better than Bantha fodder! Except maybe Sarlaac fodder…"
Fez thanked Jabba and led his whore-princess out of the palace and into his ship.
"You will love life in my homeland, the beautiful planet…"
"Could we go shopping for some clogs first, my feet are killing me!"
"Of course, your feet are a holy treasure."
"Thanks… I think."
Fez awoke with a very large smile on his face and an idea in mind. A plot to expose Kelso and Laurie in such a way that Jackie would need him for support. He would have his turn; he would get his whore.
"Eric, honey, what's wrong?" Kitty asked her son as he burst through the kitchen.
"Nothing mom," He muttered.
"No no no no, something is bothering you. A mother knows these things."
Eric looked up at her and she saw the bruise on his eye and the gash on his cheek from Hyde's ring.
"What happened! Eric have you been fighting with that David Millbank kid again?"
"I'm fine mom!" Eric insisted, rather gruffly.
"Now Eric I understand that you have a problem and that you probably don't want me to interfere, but that is no reason to take a harsh tone with me!"
"I'm sorry mom."
"Now sit down and tell me what's wrong." Kitty pulled out a chair for her little man.
"It's Donna… and Hyde."
"Go on."
"Donna won't speak to me. And yesterday, Hyde and I had a fight, he told me he… loves her."
"Well we all love Donna. She's a good sweet girl."
"No Mom, he said that he's in love with Donna."
"Oh dear."
"And I'm really worried because she won't talk to me and if Hyde gets her to open up…"
"They aren't… well they didn't…" Kitty stumbled on her words.
"NO… at least, I don't think they have. Oh God I hope not."
"Well I think that you and Steven should sit down and have a talk. No more of this fighting, I won't have it."
"I don't need to talk to him about it Mom, he's leaving. Moving to New York in a few days."
"Oh no he's not. Well I'll just have to talk to Red about that!"
"Mom, don't. He won't listen to you or Dad or anyone else. Just let him go."
"Eric honey, Steven is our responsibility. He can't take care of himself no matter what he thinks."
"You can't take care of everyone Mom."
"I can take care of my family. I've known Steven since he was in kindergarten, he's your best friend and he's practically your brother," Kitty stated.
"No, my brother wouldn't try to steal my girlfriend behind my back. If he leaves then maybe I can fix things with Donna, before it's too late."
"Is that it? You think that if you don't have to talk about it then it will all just go away. Well let me tell you it's just the opposite. The more you ignore it, the worse it gets."
"Mom…"
"Listen to me Eric, problems like this fester. Fighting and running away from them turns everything into hate and regret."
"What do you want me to do, beg Hyde not to put the moves on Donna? Do you want me to cry for him?"
"Just tell him how you feel."
"I can't."
Kitty was baffled at the way the Forman men couldn't for the life of them show their emotions. She had hoped that things would be different with her son. Apparently not.
"Do you love Donna?" Kitty asked.
"What?"
"Do you love Donna?"
"Uh, I think, yes, I do."
"Have you told her?"
"I don't want to talk about this Mom!"
"Eric, answer me."
Eric answered her, not with words, not with a nod. Only with silence and by a sudden inclination to stare at his shoes.
"Oh honey no, you, you just have to tell her."
"Why, doesn't she already know?"
"Not if you haven't told her. Now you march right over to her house young man and you tell her that you love her!" Kitty ordered him, ushering him out the door.
"She won't answer the door!" Eric insisted.
"Then break in." Kitty pushed him outside; then readily locked her son out.
Midge primped her hair in the mirror, preparing for another feminist class she had that night. Bob Pinciotti had left for work over an hour before. His beard stubble was still in the sink; Midge looked at it in disgust. "What an ass," She muttered to herself.
"Where are you going Mom?"
"To my 'Woman Warrior' meeting."
"Do you have to go?"
"Yes."
"Mom, I…" Donna choked, shivering at the sheer thought of David Millbank watching her. Waiting for her mother to leave so that he could do God knows what.
"Donna, these meetings are very important to me. I have to be there."
"I don't want you to go."
"Have you been talking to Bob, did he put you up to this?"
"No Mom, it's just…"
"I thought that of all people my oldest daughter would support me in this."
"I do support you, I just don't want you to leave…"
"Well I'm going!" Midge marched away in an angry huff.
"Mom!" Donna yelled after her.
"Drop it Donna! I'm disappointed in you!"
The front door slammed and Donna was left alone save for a sleeping Tina. She rushed over and quickly locked all the doors, closed all the curtains and turned off all the lights. Seeking safety in her dark room armed only with intense fear… and a baseball bat.
Several minutes later Eric sat down on Donna's back porch, contemplating his approach. He got up and paced a bit, then tried knocking. No answer. He tried the doorknob; locked. Immediately he remembered a secret that Donna told him when they were eight; the spare key tucked into the shade on the porch lamp. And with that, he was in.
A displeased Kitty Forman greeted Hyde at the door. He knew immediately that he was going to be lectured. Red was no where in sight so at least he knew he would live to see tomorrow.
"Steven, we need to talk."
"So I figured."
Hyde took a seat next to Kitty on the couch.
"You and Eric had a fight today."
"Yeah."
"Do you wanna talk about it?"
"Girl trouble."
"He told me that you love Donna, is this true?"
"Yes. But I know that I'm wrong to and I'm gonna back off."
"He said you plan on moving to New York."
"Yes Mrs. Forman, you understand where I'm coming from. I have no reason to stay here anymore."
"Yes you do, you have friends and family that love you and need you."
"I don't have any family here, I'm an orphan. And as for friends… A guy like me doesn't deserve friends."
"Steven, no matter how worthless you think you are or how unloved, you couldn't be farther from the truth. We are your family, Red, Eric and I."
"That's nice Mrs. Forman, and I appreciate everything you all have done for me, but I'm a grown man. This is something I can handle on my own. Now if you'll excuse me, I have some crap to pack." Hyde started towards the stairs.
"Steven Daniel Hyde! You are not a grown man; you are seventeen years old and are therefore a minor in my care. There will be no leaving this house unless I say!" Kitty stood her ground quite firmly.
"You are not my mother."
"No, I'm not. Your mother wouldn't care if you ran off to Guam! But I do care."
"You wouldn't if you knew, if you knew what kind of person I really am."
Hyde pushed his glasses up on his face; he swallowed hard at the lump in his throat. Kitty gestured for him to come closer. Hyde walked over to her reluctantly. Kitty reached up and gave the boy a warm hug. Hyde just stood there for a second, trying to no avail to remember the last time his real
mother had hugged him.
"I do know what kind of person you are, that's why I haven't given up hope for you," Kitty said.
"Hope, for me, interesting sentiment." Hyde chuckled softly.
"This whole situation with Eric and Donna, It'll work out. You'll see."
"I'll make you a deal Mrs. Forman."
"Okay."
"If things get settled with Forman I'll stay here until I'm eighteen, but if they don't, I'm gone."
"Well that sounds fair to me Steven, but you have to talk to them. As soon as possible."
"How about tonight?"
"Oh honey, that's wonderful."
Hyde bounded for the door. As soon as he put his hand on the doorknob he stopped, looked back at Kitty, and gave her a pleasant smile. "Thanks Mom."
Donna glimpsed through a small hole in her curtains, certain, that she saw David on the corner a few streets down. He stood there gazing unabashedly up into her window.
"Fucking pretzel boy…" Donna muttered to herself. She was angry at him for scaring and at herself for being scared.
"Donna…" a small voice from the hallway called her. It was Tina. Donna scurried to her sister's room.
"I heard a noise, is mom home?" Tina asked.
"No, what kind of noise?"
"At the back door."
Donna ran back to her room and looked out the window; David Millbank was gone.
"Shit!"
She hurried down stairs with her baseball bat. She hid behind a wall and called out.
"Who's there?"
"Donna, it's me."
"Eric?"
Donna sprang out from her hiding place and rushed over to him. "I'm sorry I used the spare key, I knocked but…" Donna hugged him very hard, so hard that he couldn't choke out another word.
"I'm so glad you're here Eric!"
"You… are…?" Eric attempted.
"Yes! I'm hugging you aren't I?"
"I thought you were trying to suffocate me."
"Eric, please, please don't hate me forever. I need you."
Eric smiled at her, still holding her as close as possible. "Why would I hate you? I lov…"
Just then there was a loud crashing noise and a thud by the front door. Eric and Donna rushed toward the sounds; they opened the door to see Hyde holding David Millbank up against the side of the house.
"What's going on?" Donna shouted.
"Pretzel boy was trying to break into your room," Hyde replied.
Eric looked around; sure enough there was a ladder on the ground and Donna's window was jimmied almost half open.
"What the fuck were you doing Millbank?" Eric was furious.
David tried to answer but couldn't for lack of air. He choked out a few syllables and Hyde dropped him.
"You were saying?" Hyde said, kicking David in the ribs while he was down.
"I was going to see if Donna was okay. I heard a noise," David lied through his bloody teeth.
"Bullshit, Donna told me about how you've been stalking her," Hyde said.
"What the fuck were you going to do to her?" Eric grabbed David by the shirt collar and punched him.
"What do you care, the bitch will fuck anything that moves." Millbank laughed.
Hyde pulled David away from Eric and kicked him in his gut; he then proceeded to punch him several times. He held Millbank with his arm behind his back and pulled his hair forcing his head back.
"Now apologize to Donna before I kill you," Hyde demanded, still maintaining his cool.
"Why, you know it's true Hyde! She's been screwing her boyfriend's best friends and I came for my turn."
"What!" Eric was dumbfounded.
Hyde kept his eyes away from Eric; he still wanted to keep his secret.
"Is that true Hyde?" Eric asked, his eyes pleading for an answer in negative.
"No."
Eric looked at Hyde, his face fell and his hands curled up into fists.
"Don't lie to me Hyde, I'm your best friend man."
"Forman, if you knew what was good for you, you'd just leave it at no."
The silence was deafening.
Hyde glanced at Donna, her head was hung low and she stood very still and quiet. She wanted to disappear; she had tried it before; concentrating all of her energy into a tiny ball in the pit of her stomach until it all vanished. Hoping that she too could curl up into a tiny ball and vanish. Eric knew what had happened, he didn't want to admit it of course, but he knew. He turned to Donna, she reached out o touch his shoulder but he shrugged away.
"How could you do this to me?" Eric pleaded.
"I wanted to be with someone who loved me," she replied in very small voice.
"I love you."
"Then why didn't you tell me you did?"
"Because, because… I'm a dumbass."
Donna tried to touch him again, this time he didn't fight her. "I'm sorry, I really am."
"It's never going to be the same Donna."
"I know that."
"You have no idea how much I hurt inside. It's unbearable, I don't even want to be here." Eric's eyes never left the ground; it hurt even more to look at her.
"Please, don't hate me." Donna begged.
"I don't, if I hated you it wouldn't hurt so much."
David Millbank had slinked away during the conversation and Donna was safe for the night. Unable to hold in his emotions for much longer, Eric started towards home. He knew that eventually he could forgive Donna, but Hyde was another story all together.
"Don't follow me home, traitor," Eric shot back at Hyde.
"I live there too Forman."
"Not for long, you're moving to Sodom and Gomorra with a subway."
"No, I changed my mind."
"What! Why can't you just leave?"
"Well, I talked it over with my Mom and she convinced me to stay."
"When did you talk to Edna?"
"Not Edna, Kitty."
"No, no no no! Don't even say that!" Eric began, "You are not my brother and you never will be."
"I wish I were. You're my best friend Forman, and I'm really sorry that I messed everything up with you and Donna. It tears me apart to see you guys fighting."
"If you really were sorry you'd leave."
"Look, I'm not asking you to forgive me, just give me another chance."
"No."
"Fine, then just leave me alone until I move out."
"As long as you stay away from Donna."
Hyde's anger peaked; this possessive bullshit that Eric was fronting was driving him up the wall. Still, he knew that it was the only way to earn his trust again.
"Okay, I'll stay away from Donna until you can trust me again."
Eric nodded reluctantly, "Then I'll give you another chance. Don't fuck it up 'cause it's the last one."
"I won't."
"Fine then."
"Fine."
"Okay."
"Yeah, okay."
Eric and Hyde silently parted to their respective rooms, for days they didn't speak even after their agreement. It was very hard, but eventually, Eric and Donna were back to good.
Hyde and Eric went through several more rough spots and had a few more fist fights. Still they remained friends until Eric and Donna got married in 1984. Hyde was Eric's best man.
Jackie found Laurie and Kelso in a compromising position in his van several weeks after the battle with David Millbank. Needless to say she dumped Kelso and needed someone to comfort her. Much to Fez's dismay it was Timmy's shoulder that Jackie chose to cry on.
After Timmy's romp with Pam Macy, and a month of dating unfaithful football players, Jackie ended her string of bad relationships and ran into the arms of an awaiting foreign exchange student.
At the end of his senior year, Fez's mother fell ill and he had to return to his homeland. Fortunately he didn't have to go alone; his friends joined him on the trip. Fez had to remain there for four months after Hyde, Donna, Eric and Kelso left. Jackie stayed behind to keep Fez from being lonely.
In 1989, all six were present at the Point Place High 'class of 1979 reunion. The music was the same but everyone had changed, a 'pretty-much-happily-ever-after' ending was had by all
… Even Hyde.
Until next time, May The 70s Be With You…always.